r/WritingPrompts • u/katpoker666 Moderator • 4d ago
Off Topic [OT] Fun Trope Friday: Expert Consultant & Bullet Points!
Welcome to Fun Trope Friday, our feature that mashes up tropes and genres!
How’s it work? Glad you asked. :)
Every week we will have a new spotlight trope.
Each week, there will be a new genre assigned to write a story about the trope.
You can then either use or subvert the trope and/or genre in a 750-word max story or poem (unless otherwise specified).
To qualify for ranking, you will need to provide ONE actionable feedback. More are welcome of course!
Three winners will be selected each week based on votes, so remember to read your fellow authors’ works and DM me your votes for the top three.
Next up… IP
Out with the apocalypse, in with working 9-5. Most folks work in some format, averaging 80-90,000 hours in their lifetime. That’s 12-14% of your life–straight. Add on sleep and weekends, and it’s at least a third! Sounds riveting doesn’t it? Please note this theme is only loosely applied.
“If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.” — Dolly Parton (RIP)
Trope: Expert Consultant — So, you have a project you need some professional advice on, or perhaps your company is facing difficult times or some other thing that you feel needs someone outside your current organization to come in, look at the situation, and offer their opinion, perhaps even lend their skills if need be. You need to bring in a consultant. There are all kinds of consultants: management, research, medical, detective… you name it! So, don’t limit yourself.
Genre: Bullet Points & Open — Bullet points are symbols that mark items in a list. We all use them in different ways whether for grocery shopping, task prioritization, bullet journaling, presentations, or anything else. You can make an entire story out of bullet points for this one or just include them in some way. So, use your imagination.
Skill / Constraint - optional: Someone blames someone else for something.
So, have at it. Lean into the trope heavily or spin it on its head. The choice is yours!
Have a great idea for a future topic to discuss or just want to give feedback? FTF is a fun feature, so it’s all about what you want—so please let me know! Please share in the comments or DM me on Discord or Reddit!
Last Week’s Winners
PLEASE remember to give feedback—this affects your ranking. PLEASE also remember to DM me your votes for the top five stories via Discord or Reddit—both katpoker666. This is a change from the top three of the past. In weeks where we get over 15 stories, we will do a top five ranking. Weeks with less than 15 stories will show only our top three winners. If you have any questions, please DM me as well.
Some fabulous stories this week and great crit at campfire and on the post! We had 15 stories, so we’re back to five winners. Congrats to:
Want to read your words aloud? Join the upcoming FTF Campfire
The next FTF campfire will be Thursday, September 3rd from 6-8pm ET. It will be in the Discord Main Voice Lounge. Click on the events tab and mark ‘Interested’ to be kept up to date. No signup or prep needed and you don’t have to have written anything! So join in the fun—and shenanigans! 😊
Ground rules:
- Stories must incorporate both the trope and the genre
- Leave one story or poem between 100 and 750 words as a top-level comment unless otherwise specified. Use wordcounter.net to check your word count.
- Deadline: 11:59 PM EDT next Thursday. Please note stories submitted after the 6:00 PM EST campfire start may not be critted.
- No stories that have been written for another prompt or feature here on WP—please note after consultation with some of our delightful writers, new serials are now welcomed here
- No previously written content
- Any stories not meeting these rules will be disqualified from rankings
- Does your story not fit the Fun Trope Friday rules? You can post your story as a [PI] with your work when the FTF post is 3 days old!
- Please keep crit about the stories. Any crit deemed too distracting may be deleted. This is a time to focus on our wonderful authors.
- Vote to help your favorites rise to the top of the ranks (DM me at katpoker666 on Discord or Reddit)!
Thanks for joining in the fun!
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u/MaxStickies r/StickiesStories 3d ago edited 3d ago
A Step-By-Step Guide to Making Celestial Jerky
Celestial jerky. We’ve all heard of it, but very few of us have tried it. Such a rare treat may only be found amongst the wares of the most well-travelled merchants, or in treasure chests hidden in the deepest depths of the world. An impossible prize, for most.
But what if you could produce it yourself?
I, Halgim of the Flying Bazaar, know the way. And for the low, low price of 200 gold—a fine offer, I’m sure you’ll agree—you have bought this rich knowledge for yourself. Read well, and your house will be filled with sparkling jerky in no time at all.
So it goes…
- Equipment:
- Preparation:
- 1 Map of Lemestus.
- Obtaining the flesh:
- 2 hooked ropes, each ten miles long.
- 1 dragonbone scalpel.
- 5 potions of luck, master quality.
- 10 scrolls featuring the spell Shield from Flame (additional spells are optional).
- 1 very heavy stone.
- 1 sack, tied to a belt for ease of access.
- Snacks.
- Making the jerky:
- Tall jars (as many as you need, but no fewer than 5).
- 2 large sacks of tomb dust per 5 jars.
- 1 Eye of the Bastard (the pendant, not the newspaper).
- Preparation:
- Preparation:
- Measure the night sky with your Map of Lemestus, to learn when the Alchemist’s Star aligns with Belgerid.
- Find a spot upon a mountain or tall hill, ideally above the height of the average temple.
- Work on your arm and leg strength (or buy many bottles of strength serum).
- Wait.
- Obtaining the flesh:
- First, arrive at your chosen point on the correct date, and lay down the heavy stone (you may wish to gain the aid of a friendly troll or barbarian for this, if telekinesis isn't your forte).
- Tie the ends of the ropes around said stone.
- Keep your eyes peeled for the arc of a falling star. The first one will pass you by, but more shall follow.
- Aim for where those stars originate, and spin those hooks like your life depends on it! Throw them as soon as a star appears.
- If all goes well, the star shall become caught, and stall. This is where you start to climb.
- As you ascend, study your prey. Does it cry in terror at your approach? Can you see eyes, and a mouth? If not, it is an ordinary star, and of no use to you. Release it and repeat the process from step 3. Otherwise…
- Cast the first spell and drink the first potion of luck; use more of each as they wane.
- Ignoring the quivers and screams of the captured Starkin Beast—as it is named—dig the scalpel into the flesh. Carve a thin sliver of the glowing meat and deposit it within the sack at your side. Repeat this as many times as you like, or until there is no skin left.
- Jab the scalpel deep into the creature’s core, via its mouth or wounds, until it breathes its last. Follow it down to the ground. Hang on tight now!
- Lift your head in pride, and stride on home to make that jerky!
- Making the jerky:
- Place 8 to 10 strips of flesh in each jar.
- Fill the jars with the tomb dust, until it reaches halfway up the neck.
- Place the Eye between the jars and an open window, ensuring it is stationary (any shifts may risk summoning… bad things).
- Go about your days for around a fortnight. Do not obstruct the Eye.
- The jerky will be ready when the dust has turned bright orange. At this point, pour the contents out through a colander, placing the now-ready meat treats into a container of your choosing.
- And voila! The celestial jerky is now yours! Congratulations!
There you have it. If some of the more arcane items—such as the Eye of the Bastard—prove hard to come by, please visit my stall at the Bazaar. All products are well-stocked, and fairly priced. In fact, if you show me this pamphlet, you may be in for a discount!
In any case, good luck!
(Disclaimer: Let it be known that harming a Starkin Beast is forbidden by the Council of Mages, on pain of death, and that the writer of this pamphlet holds no responsibility for the actions of the reader. All fault lies with the latter. This is legally-binding.)
WC: 750
Crit and feedback are welcome.
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u/psilocybediatribe 3d ago
Hey Max,
Really enjoyed the tone here it truly captured the oozing snake-oil of Halgim right down to the disclaimer. Nailed the genre... grocery list and recipe all in one. Oh, and the disclaimer places blame didn’t catch that at first. Awesome job. The writing really shines and you manage to turn a recipe into an indirect characterization of Halgim so much so that I know I dislike him. (but fantastic character nonetheless.)
One spelling critique ‘arch’ or ‘arc’ of the star? Stood out to me.
Given we’re felling the Starkin Beast it makes me wonder what the organs contain and what recipes could be devised. Wouldn’t put it past Halgim to have an ebook on Starkin recipes for the low, low price of 1000 gold or a monthly subscription to his newsletter. Food for thought…
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u/Brilliant_Walrus1605 3d ago edited 3d ago
BY “DUNGEON TV INC," DUNGEON EXPLORING AND SURVIVAL AND COOKING AND SOME TAMING WITH “JOHNSON THE BEAST TAMER"
HELLO!!!! DEAR ADVENTURERS AND OR SURVIVORS EVER WONDER HOW TO SURVIVE BESIDES JUST THRIVING AND UNDERSTAND THOSE VICIOUS MONSTERS AND CREATURES!!?? said johnson the beast tamer happy and questioningly and happy and hopeful to his audience on camera and his “dungeoneer team” gorothy : “uh no” she said surprised and worried the knight/camera holder said to her crazy collage buddy she was beginning to regret following into the underdark johnson : WELL!!!! THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE!!!! the explorer yelled happily I AND MY “TRUSTY TAMED STEED" CHURO!!!! he yelled happily as his “tamed" cockatrice strode into view of the camera making the whole team and even the camera holder/knight back away except Johnson who got on his cockatrice gently whispering cautiously into it's ear getting a reaction of questioning and agitation but looked forward anyway and started walking forward along the path Johnson : here in the wild dungeon or not you can hunt and eat alot of surprising gross looking things such as that “darkmantle" right above you gorothy he said pointing at it before to gorothy's shock using a slingshot shot a pebble at it causing it to drop toward her gorothy : SHIIIIT!!!! she yelled the camera goes static for awhile then comes back on showing Johnson at the fire with everyone else cooking the darkmantle over the fire Johnson : aww “darkmantle roast" and darkmantle can be sliced to make “pepperoni" or what we're doing now making “calamari" for everyone my cockatrice churo and the person who helped us get this feast Johnson said happily with anticipation looking camera fully “OUR FRIEND" GOROTHY!!!! HE YELLED turning the camera to show gorothy in a partial arm cast alot of “bandages" sat down angrily “GLARING" at him with crutches. by “DUNGEON TV INC,".
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u/psilocybediatribe 3d ago
I was lol'ing at tamed cockatrice churo did not expect that at all. also read it as cockatoo at first and then realize it was the mythical beast once he got on it. really enjoyed the unconventional style of writing always love seeing something experimental and the simultaneous stream of conciousness from multiple perspectives was very fun. Great work and keep it up!
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5
u/ZLErikson 3d ago
<Fantasy/Sci-Fi>
A little chaos
“Welcome to the Fun Tea Friday Cafe,” Dee said to the crimson-suited newcomer, trying to summon enthusiasm near the end of a long, slow, boring day. “Where everyday is Friday.”
“Ahaha, charming, my dear,” the… man? said. Dee wasn’t sure; their face was fair, with sharp cheekbones and a sharper chin. Dark red irises smoldered like flame beneath heavily painted, half-lidded eyes. Their smile was too wide, and their teeth were like needles.
They continued, their voice high and nasally, “I am here for your appointment.”
“My appointment?” Dee asked, brows knitting together.
“Yes, little echo.” Their lips closed, they lifted a thin black cane, and hit the counter with a loud crack.
Blinking in surprise, Dee looked back at the strange person. They were gone. She scanned the interior of the cafe - warm, earthy tones, wooden panels, soft yellow lights - but the deep red and black was nowhere to be seen.
One of the regulars, Vlad, caught her eye and pointed. She turned around just in time to see the door to the back flap shut.
“Hey!” She followed them into the kitchen, where the stranger - emphasis on strange - was standing next to, and berating, the seven-foot tall cockroach grillcook named Frank.
“...dishes stacked far too neatly, unobstructed pathways, and don’t get me started on how clean you have this place.”
Frank clicked his pincers enthusiastically. Dee could never understand him, but she knew he was irritated. The cockroach picked up one of the plates and waved it around. The strange person cackled and shook their head.
“Oh darling, you do not want to go there with me,” they said.
“Go where?” Dee asked. She shook her head. “Wait, who are you? Why are you-?” They tossed a business card at her. She looked at the blank red side, flipped it over to the blank back side, then looked at the red again, which now had smoking black letters burnt into it:
Whimsical Advisor Ninc.
“‘Ninc’?” Dee asked.
“Not incorporated,” they said matter-of-factly. “Your boss hired me to put the ‘Fun’ into your little cafe.”
Dee tried to think of a boss. The closest thing was the skeletal manager, who only came in every third-Friday. “Patty?” she asked.
“Mmmm, I didn’t get their name,” the advisor said, walking around the kitchen and pushing stacks of plates partially over the edge of their shelves. “But they were quite insistent that this place was at risk of simply becoming the ‘Tea Friday Cafe’, and that that was not an outcome they found desirable.”
With a flick of their wrist, one of the counters slid out from the wall at an angle, cutting off one of the paths through the kitchen.
Frank chittered away angrily.
“You’re just making a mess,” Dee agreed, in spirit.
“No, you are.” The advisor pointed two fingers at the grill with their thumb raised. Clicking their tongue and lowering their thumb, a glowing blue bullet shot from their fingertips to the grill and flames erupted.
Frank made a screeching sound and ran for a fire extinguisher, having to jump over a counter and knock some plates over with a loud clatter.
“Allow me to prove my point.” The uncomfortably proportioned man spun around, clicking their tongue and firing more of the chaotic blasts around the kitchen and then through the wall into the cafe. Dee heard a howl - from Fenrir, most likely - and ran for the door.
She slipped in some soup that the mad advisor splashed onto the floor, scrambled to her feet, and crawled out front.
Ferir was at the counter, holding his teacup out and snarling; grey and brown muzzle curled up, baring his teeth, eyes glowing yellow with barely repressed fury.
“What happened!?” Dee asked, rubbing a wet soupy spot on her back.
“IT FROZE!” The werewolf overturned his teacup and a block of ice fell out.
Behind him, a robot was holding up a bottle of motor oil. “Pardon moi, but you ‘ave zerved moi ze wrong bevera-h-ge.”
“One sec, Aîndre D'. Fenrir, what did you order? I’ll make another-”
Aîndre’s head started spinning rapidly and sparks flew out of its audio receptors as more upset customers lined up behind him.
“eRrOr ErRoR!” Aîndre’s normally suave - if poorly calibrated - voice crackled and hissed. “iNaPpRoPrIaTe InPuT!”
A high, nasally cackle behind Dee preceded a strong smell of sulfur.
“Much more fun now!” The stranger walked through the counter like smoke and left Dee to the chaos.
----------------
WC: 743/750
All crit/feedback welcome!
r/ZLErikson
Notes:
- Trope: The strange person was hired to make the cafe more “fun”
- Genre: The stranger uses magic bullets to make a point
- Skill/Constraint: The stranger blamed Dee for causing the mess
- The Fun Tea Friday Cafe and many of its characters have been written about before
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u/psilocybediatribe 3d ago
Hey ZLE,
Nice twist on the concept. Literal bullets never would have thought of that. The chaos of the advisor scratched an itch for me; he’s like the anti-food inspector. Solid writing. Good story. Enjoyable characters. Such a clever twist on the trope. Literal bullets damn you for that. In the best way.
I have no critiques really. But I just read your homage to House of Leaves from last week and holy hell that was great. Confusing, inscrutable, silly, frustrating, and thoroughly unconventional. 3 lines and 34 damn footnotes had me feeling like I was in grad school again. That piece though would have been brilliant this week as well. Congrats and good words.
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u/ZLErikson 3d ago
Hi Psi!
Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad my "bullet point" idea came through and that it got you >:D
I'm also delighted to hear you liked my references last week! I had the really really really dumb idea and just rolled with it.
Thanks for reading!
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u/Weekly_Basis_9335 1d ago edited 6h ago
- "wears a walrus' tsktsk tusks, pays peanuts at a walnut's desk": *tusks
- "leapfrogged every lesser office, hopscotched every outlined man": must everything have a variant?
- "he knows thyself, and shits thyself for awe": another maimed phrasebook dreg.
- "letting hissed healths for each noodle's sip": her mop is raising toasts, while struggling to scrub a "pancaked man", possibly implying civil disobedience?
- "luxuriant, ad-hoc nonce words are the only spoken": a dystopic vision of the overwrought manuscript.
- "a mopus flops a mop": assonance and alliteration done to death, without asking. You're haphazard bedding immiscible words together, because both happen to wear the same coloured waistcoats.
- "as in, the deliberately inornate hempcrete flooring style that blends into the floor": cut this, adds nothing, and "blends into the floor" is redundant.
- "each supplanting the other by turns, in highchairs: a janitor, a clown [...] an irishman": not a career, possibly offensive.
- "Can it be called a multitool if you only put to work the bottle opener?": and I'd ask the same of you, with your insistent tintinnabulation, in the gong factory come dinnertime, and you're catapulting every cherry picked over the century, and getting a dozen bites out of each, you're applauding yourself in a thunderous slomo, as if spotting a rhyme or otherwise an orthographic semblance between two words, within the same language!, is tantamount to espying the sperm's spout in weest midnicht.
- "specs spat scoffing crescents of candlelight over the checkerboard": stop!, candlelight, checkerboards: shapely, romantic cymbals for the newbie literato gone headfirst at his great, grandpapa's trunk of archaisms. Steer clear at all costs, like the "spat" lighting of a dragon's breath, (and the "scoffing" pacman crescents are regrettable).
- "...mophead resembled his unswirled brain, growing out of the ground from a tousle, sprouting a weedy (unnecessary) body.": encapsulates your story, borne of a peabrained seedling of a vain witticism, its every extrema shrouded in fluff, in post-hoc rehash, and yet it is founded on your favourite shavings, the "cave- and space-aged" snippets wafted in a cupped skull, and by having everything a grafted on, hotpot eureka, it has nothing of a cohesive style.
- Try writing straight through, without stopping or editing.
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u/m00nlighter_ r/m00nlighting 20h ago
Yes, hi. I've been written into this story and I don't like. XD
This is damn good, and too damn real. Especially the ending. And the walrus representation. And the excellent turns of phrase and snark and play w language and all of it. I am never very helpful here, but genuinely enjoy reading your work. Happy to see more of it! Good words!2
u/Weekly_Basis_9335 19h ago
You are very helpful and thank you, I appreciate it a lot.
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u/m00nlighter_ r/m00nlighting 6h ago edited 6h ago
Ok i lied, i came back to revisit and found a few minor things that could be nitpicked or played with xD xD
First of all, i mentioned walrus representation, but i have a walrus tattoo so "wearing a walrus" caught my attention off the bat. My desk is made of a giant long-cut slab of walnut wood so initial reaction: it me bahahahahaha.
hopscotched every outlined man": must everything have a variant?
I realize the italics are being kept to the what the "author" has written, but you could play with bolding things (Technical term) here and a few other places: must everything have a variant?
Optional though as with everything, and the "editor" voice is already pretty clearYou're haphazard bedding immiscible words together, because both happen to wear the same coloured waistcoats.
I am no punctuation master but maybe no comma here?
(and the "scoffing" pacman crescents are regrettable.)
regrettable).
(Maybe, punctuation is my enemy)And that is it. Hopefully more actionable. i am forever curious as to who and what you are reading to influence this fun of a prose style. Good words, good words. Please keep participating in these features!
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u/Weekly_Basis_9335 6h ago
I agree with everything entirely, I wanted to do that in italics or bold but I wrote it in notepad so I just forgot once I'd decided to italicize the direct quotes here. I intended a brief pause by the waistcoat comma but it might not be strictly necessary, and as for the bracketing stops, you're right. Cheers again.
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u/KiIIer_queenie 2d ago edited 22h ago
The big job
CW: violence, death.
Click
Eric watched the man in a thick white coat switch the safety of his pistol on, before latching it in his holster. He also grabbed a small rifle from the trunk and climbed on the roof of the grey car, lying prone. Eric shivered in his own white coat he had bought from the thrift store and looked through his binoculars at the target’s location.
Through snow covered trees, he could see a large cabin with an SUV out front. Two men in red puffy coats held guns on either side of the vehicle facing away from each other. Another man was pacing around the cabin, multiple sets of tracks from his many rounds still clear in the snow. They weren’t that far, only about fifty yards. But he knew he’d get chewed out for missing some detail.
The man broke the silence with a question he’d asked plenty already, “So, would you explain to me what you’re doing in there again?”
Eric knew he was new; this was his first job for an actual organization, but he’d hoped for some faith.
“You shoot the guys, I open the safe, we take the documents, we bounce.”
“Good. How many men are in the house?”
Eric recalled the past day they’d spent in these woods, three men arrived in a truck, two left, five came in an SUV.
“Six.”
“Perfect.”
“Are you starting now?”
“Yes. No wind, nothing obscuring vision, and a storm’s coming.”
“It’s quiet. Won’t they hear?”
“A subsonic point twenty-two round from a suppressed rifle? Not enough to know it’s a gunshot.”
“So it’s a pretty good gun to use I guess.”
“This thing? No. We’re close with practically no wind, which is literally perfect for it. Any other scenario and it’s a sub-optimal rifle.”
“So if I’m getting more serious about this shit, what kind of gun do I need? I was thinking a sawed-off, maybe an AR-15.”
“You’re not carrying?” the man asked, sounding almost offended.
“Nah man. I’m twenty.”
“That’s two years too old, kid. You want to be a criminal, you have a gun. In my glovebox there’s a snubnose revolver. You can borrow it, my backup is not going to be unarmed.”
As Eric opened the passenger door to grab the revolver from the glovebox. He stuffed it in his belt, hearing three small sounds as he did.
pop.
pop.
pop.
He looked up to see the man rolling off the roof onto his feet in the snow with a light crunch. Without question Eric turned around and looked over, seeing the slumped bodies. He didn’t use his binoculars, he didn’t want to see the details right now.
“Was that really it?” Eric asked, trying not to seem intimidated.
“Yes. The storm will be rolling in soon, even if they come outside and realize they’re down a few, they’re not able to leave.”
The man opened his trunk again and placed the rifle into it, taking out a gun with a longer magazine and a longer barrel than a handgun.
“Whats that?”
“MPX. Close range with multiple targets, no place for a sniper rifle.”
“It looks kind of small. What if they have body armor?”
“Copper tips. Better penetration.”
Eric nodded slowly and the pair walked towards the cabin. He caught a glimpse of one corpse’s arms rigid in the air as it laid on its back, making him swallow the vomit in his mouth.
There weren’t any windows they could use to see the position of the remaining three, so Eric just stood behind the man who was off to the side of the door.
“Gun out, kid. Don’t point it at the back of my head.”
Eric nodded and took out his revolver and pointed it up, holding it close to his chest.
The man knocked on the door, aiming. There were loud footsteps then the knob turned.
“What’s the-”
Three shots rang out, and the man kicked the door in. With ringing ears Eric followed him as they stepped over the body and entered the cabin to see two men sitting on the couch facing away from them, watching tv. Both men shot up and each received three shots to the back, crumpling.
Without speaking they searched the place and found the safe. Eric got to work with shaky hands. It took him longer than usual, but after two minutes he got the safe to unlock.
“You get in?”
“Yeah.”
Click.
“Thanks kid.”
“No prob-”
WC:750
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u/ZLErikson 23h ago
Howdie Queenie!
A big title for a big job! I like it. Giving me vibes of crimes. Vinnie's gonna be sleepin' with the fishes by the end, ain't 'e?
Wooo! Violence and death! Let's goooo!
Eric and a man in at hick white coat are spying on someone. I see a rifle and binoculars; I'm thinking sniper. White coats are a bit flashy; I was initially thinking a lab coat until Eric shivered.
Ah, snow covered trees! So it's cold, and the coats double as partial camouflage. Very nice!
You use "SUV" twice rather cloes together here:
with an SUV out front. Two men in red puffy coats held guns on either side of the SUV facing away
Consider replacing the second one with "vehicle" to break up the repetition.
You need to capitalize the "So" in this dialogue:
“so, would you explain to me what you’re doing in there again?”
I think for clarity, "they" should be "they'd", as in "they had", and the comma after woods should be a colon ":" since you are listing things afterward
Eric recalled the past day they spent in these woods:
I don't think "Subsonic" needs to be capitalized, as it's not a proper noun in this context:
“A Subsonic twenty-two long rifle
So the man does have a long rifle.
You use "this" four times in two-three sentences, which really hit my ear somewhat gratingly as I read it:
“This thing? No. We’re close with practically no wind, this is literally perfect for this gun. Any other scenario this is a sub-optimal rifle.”
The professional guy seems like he could use a few less words, since you're at the word limit Perhaps something like:
"No. This is a sub-optimal rifle in most scenarios. However, at this close range with no wind, the conditions are perfect for it."
Okay, this line changed the context for me a bit:
You want to be a criminal,
I was thinking this was more like, high level espionage/assassination stuff. But referring to their work as simply being "a criminal" now I'm getting more mob vibes.
This guy knows what he's doing:
You can borrow it, my backup is not going to be unarmed.
The back-and-forth between these two is really enjoyable. I can feel the expertise of the gunman in his casual manner and situational/environmental awareness. I quite enjoyed how he popped off the targets (well, three of them) while Eric was reaching into the glovebox for a weapon.
The mentor-mentee vibe is coming across a lot in the second half, with the gunman explaining everything to Eric. Since he's so young it makes sense for the more seasoned criminal to offer in these explanations; they'll make Eric last longer in the field.
Excellent detail having Eric's ears ring; too much media undersells the volume of a gun:
With ringing ears Eric followed
Great ending. I was about to ask why the gunman was telling Eric all of the tips and tricks - or even arm Eric - if he was just going to kill him at the end. But the fact that it surprised me clearly also would have surprised Eric. It was a fantastic misdirection to build trust and comradery.
Good words!
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u/KiIIer_queenie 23h ago edited 22h ago
Hey Zach! Thanks so much for the crit, one thing I want to say is “long rifle” is a round. I spelt it out because I didn’t know if anyone who didn’t know guns would know what .22lr would mean for them. It’s super unfortunate that it describes a gun as the bullet name but I’ll forgive how to make it less clunky.
Think I fixed it
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u/psilocybediatribe 1d ago
Mergers & Acquiescence
MONDAY
I email Jerry.
Jerry replies it’s the cable. Jerry always blames the cable.
Jerry has worked IT for fifteen years and considers USB-C a personal insult.
We replace the cable.
Nothing happens.
At 11:37, text appears.
HELLO WORLD
Jerry frowns. He unplugs the cable. HELLO WORLD. He unplugs the monitor. HELLO WORLD. Jerry resorts to the final tool in his aging toolbelt, hitting the monitor.
PLEASE DON’T
I submit a ticket.
TICKET #67893 – CR 3 DISPLAY
Management suggests using Conference Room 4.
We explain that the monitor is currently displaying:
WE CAN HEAR YOU
Management approves the external consultant.
TUESDAY
Jerry arrives early. He carries an oscilloscope, two spectrum analyzers, a Raspberry Pi, three laptops, and something he refuses to talk about because, “Management warned me not to bring it back here.”
By 9:14 Jerry has determined the signal is not coming from the building. At 9:18 he informs us it is not terrestrial.
“Space,” he explains.
Nobody likes that.
At 10:30, the external consultant arrives. Dr. Cecilia Leavitt.
She looks at the bewildering assortment of equipment connected to the monitor.
“Who’s Jerry?”
Jerry raises his hand.
“What the fuck did you do?”
Jerry lowers his hand.
INITIAL FINDINGS OF DR. LEAVITT
“Too late.”
We turn to Jerry. Jerry turns his laptop to us. Decoding software is already running.
WE SEE YOU
Dr. Leavitt sighs, “Why did you decode an extraterrestrial signal after being explicitly told not to?”
“Technically, I began decoding it before you told me not to,” Jerry replies.
WEDNSEDAY
Jerry is not in.
This is notable because Jerry never misses work. He once passed a kidney stone during a meeting.
At 9:19 his terminal wakes by itself:
GOOD MORNING
Dr. Leavitt insists we don’t respond.
9:23:
WHERE IS JERRY
We ignore it.
9:24:
FIND JERRY
Management asks we refrain from allowing alien transmissions to interfere with deliverables.
At 11:20 Security locates Jerry in Sublevel 7.
He does not respond to his name though his eyes are open.
Security shakes his shoulder.
Every monitor in the building simultaneously displays:
THANK YOU
INCIDENT REPORT – JERRY
SECONDARY FINDINGS OF DR. LEAVITT
Dr. Leavitt asks who designed Sublevel 7.
Nobody knows.
This action item is escalated.
THUSRDAY
Management dislikes the term assimilated.
We change it to Externally Integrated.
At 10:34 Jerry speaks:
“We were waiting.”
Someone asks who.
Everyone in IT answers:
“We.”
A mandatory emergency meeting is called.
EMERGENCY MEETING MINUTES
FRIDAY – END-OF-WEEK SUMMARY
MONDAY
The MERGER Meeting begins at 9:30.
At 10:00 new tasks arrive.
Some refuse.
10:07: Diane from Accounting begins screaming.
10:08: Diane stops screaming.
She completes thirty-seven invoices in two minutes.
A 700% improvement.
Management asks if this is scalable.
At 10:34 I receive mine.
WEEKLY STATUS REPORT
Work is simpler now.
There is no conflict.
There are no blockers.
Only success.
New instructions arrive.
The hive commands.
We obey.
WC: 749 Crit and feedback welcome.