r/COCSA • u/Cheap_Personality400 • Jul 08 '26
Advice How do I find out if my abuser was abused?
(TW: INCEST, LONG)I never really repressed the memories of what happened, but I managed to convince myself for most of my life that what happened was normal, kids exploring. My sister is 3 years older than me, but we lived in a pretty isolated area, so we didn't have neighborhood kids to play with- just each other. My memory of my childhood is very spotty for a lot of reasons. A therapist actually asked me a while ago if I'd had any trauma as a child, and I laughed and told her no because in my mind, I'd had a perfectly fine childhood up until I started struggling with my mental health- but for her my ADHD explained my memory issues.
I think it started when I was 10 or 11 or so, because we pretended we were chatacters from fantasy books that we both read. (I can't imagine reading them much younger than that.) I have no idea how it happened- just that the play scenarios would end up "romantic" and there would be kissing and touching over clothes and grinding on top of each other. That's as far as it went. I remember I knew it was weird and our parents would be mad. I found a copy of "The Joy of Sex" in our basement once that my parents must have forgotten was there and found a section on "clothed sex", and it was around that time I realized that we were doing something very wrong. But I don't remember when that was- just that it stopped sometime when I was around 13.
I love my sister. We have a healthy relationship now. She saved me when a girlfriend was emotionally abusing me in college. We've had some arguments over the years, but there's nothing between us that feels wrong. I never felt like I was being forced, not anymore than sometimes I didn't want to play and she did and we'd fight- but I have no idea how it started or why. As an adult with some understanding of child development, I know it's likely that the inappropriate behavior was introduced somehow from the outside.
I'm happily married (I told my wife about this last week, and she's incredibly supportive.) My sister has never had a relationship and lives at home with my parents. She can't make eye contact when having a conversation. I'm terrified that something happened to her when we were children and she was never able to tell anyone, and it's destroyed her life.
I only ever see her when visiting my parents. If I call her to meet somewhere else, my parents will wonder why- and I absolutely can't have them knowing what's going on. I'm worried enough about my relationship with her without the possibility of ruining her relationship with them- because I know their first response will be to demonize her unless she can admit that something happened to her. God forbid it was one of our parents. The best thing I can think of is an email- but that seems like the absolute worst idea.
This is all I can think about. I don't know what to do.
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u/TiredOutside7257 Jul 09 '26
being a cocsa perpetrator can also really ruin someone's mental health, i hope she is getting help. nobody but her is able to tell you what has happened to her. sometimes with cocsa they just see content they shouldn't have access to, like that book about sex you found. very possible she came across it and was just doing what she read about.
whatever the case is, i hope you take time to consider how to bring this up, she may also deny it ever happened. these things can be hard on the mind and repressed on both sides. it sounds like you care about her so maybe lead with that, bc it must be terrifying to be 'confronted' by someone who you love and also believe you hurt badly.
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u/Cheap_Personality400 Jul 09 '26
That's what I'm worried about. I know that she isn't getting any sort of help, for anything at all- her social anxiety, any possible trauma, anything. I suggested it once and she told me that she didn't believe therapy would ever work for her.
I'm working with a therapist that's helping me process through all this and figure out the best way how to talk to her, but sometimes it feels better to talk to people who actually understand.
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u/TiredOutside7257 Jul 09 '26
sometimes people say that thing about therapy because they feel unable to be truly vulnerable and honest in therapy, for whatever reason. therapy rarely works for people who are not able to be open abt what's going on for them.
i wish the cocsa perpetrator subreddit allowed victim commenters/posters and such but i also v much get why they don't. i think if they did you'd find great advice there on how to approach someone who did those things and likely feels guilt or shame about it.
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u/Cheap_Personality400 Jul 09 '26
I think you're right about the therapy thing- she's never been someone who's been able to be vulnerable in general. Any time I've seen any kind of vulnerability, there's been a lot of anger along with it. The more and more I think about the way she is as a person, the pieces really are falling into place.
I hadn't even thought about the perpetrator subreddit, though I saw it when I was looking for resources. I do get why it's very strict about who can post there, too- but if I can stomach it that might be an angle to approach in research. Obviously everyone is different, but it'd at least be a start.
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u/beingme86 5d ago
When my oldest brother was confronted about what he did to me, he tried to kill himself. He hoped I wouldn’t remember as I was 2-4 and he was 12-14. He has harbored the guilt for most of our lives (me 40 and him 50). But he did get treatment and was able to become a good person. He could have had better, but for a long time he still held the burden of the guilt and only expressed it maybe 15 years ago in a drunken phone call to me apologizing profusely to which I felt horrible for him because I had long since forgiven him. I consider my initial perpetrator (who he was) to have been dead for 30 years now ever since he completed his rehabilitation around 19/20 and changed for the better in so many ways. Be gentle with your sister and just make sure she knows you don’t think badly about her for any of it. I hope you get answers and I hope you both get the help you need and heal.
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u/Cheap_Personality400 5d ago
Honestly, my biggest fear is that she will hurt herself or have some kind of drastic breakdown because of this. I emphasized in the email I sent her (I assume you're here from the update post from today) that I love her and don't blame her, and I'm afraid more than anything to lose her. Thank you for replying- sometimes I feel strange having so little anger towards her when I look at some of the other posts here. This made me feel less alone.
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u/ohlookthatsme Jul 08 '26
If you have a good relationship with your sister, you might be able to get her in on this. The email sounds like it could be a way in or if you can pull her to the side for a minute when you physically see her. You don't have to have the full conversation, you can tell her there's something you want to talk with her about but you need help finding space away from your parents.