Then they

1. Give you more meds

2. Give you another incorrect diagnosis

You don't even have to accept my apology. Just acknowledge that I am purposely putting myself beneath you in value because I feel guilty for [insert reason here]. Or don't the groveling is what matters.

I always put others above myself, it doesn't feel right otherwise. I always feel like I'm in trouble if I ever decide to think boldly of myself.

Fun fact: apologizing is banned in my family because I say sorry too much. If I say sorry my parents get mad and physically retaliate. So instead, they instructed me to say "ok" as an apology. But then they get mad that I'm suddenly an ungrateful little shit who never owns up to their micro-mistakes and says sorry.

I love playing the "impossible to fix" game, where no matter what I do everything just keeps snowballing and getting worse and worse. And if I cant immediately fix a problem that I feel like is my fault, then I hate myself forever for it. I tremble with a boiling-rage-filled hatred for myself that is artificially made by people who can't handle change or responsibility.

Idk. I'm very tired.

​

Got an intake appointment at a new therapist's office. I am scared shitless. What if they prod at me about the abuse on the very first appointment? Not gonna make it if that's the case...

Update: Okay so it wasn't that bad! I was still anxious as shit but it went well, even though it wasn't a therapist's intake appointment but more of a consult on how to get a therapy slot

No matter what, I’m gonna do everything to not give up on myself. Felt this video for sharing here maybe it can help you too 🫶

Godamn theres a reason your other son dont want to see you.

His favourite thing though was to blame others who "pissed him off".

I was raised by a single mom with paranoid schizophrenia, so I was heavily isolated most of my childhood because of what "they" were supposedly "doing." I don't blame her for her illness, that's obviously outside her control, but even outside her illness she was manipulative, vindictive, and emotionally unstable.

I always feel uncomfortable talking about it, because I worry as a man I might be misconstrued as some dogwhistling misogynist (or worse: have my struggle "Coolsville Sucks"-ed by actual misogynists) given that my mom happens to organically match a lot of bigoted stereotypes (which have nothing to do with her gender, obviously.)

I know my experience is anomalous, and I consider myself a very vocal feminist (the last thing I want is to use my trauma as an excuse to be a bigoted asshole, I honestly just want to create a more just society where what we've suffered doesn't happen to others, I'm a big believer in that "tree whose shade you'll never bask in" principle.) Logically, I know the plurality of all people are not a monolith, but when you grew up terrified of the one who's supposed to take care of you, it leaves some nasty scars.

Also mix in mild enough transphobia that she could reasonably get away with like telling me I still look like a boy

I just wanna go back and hug myself sometimes 🫠

I think my mum tried to present it as something "fun" for us so that we wouldn't be scared.