I’m witnessing far too many people on this sub who are almost casual about marital abuse. I’ve been told that I’m “overreacting“ “weirdly passionate“ or “jumping to divorce too soon“ on posts describing extremely toxic relationships where one spouse is suffering or even in danger. I know this is where people bring their marital issues but I’ve talked to women who left this sub because it made them terrified of marriage and men.

my husband and I have been married less than a year. he has been dealing with a porn addiction for a while. he will go to that for comfort during stressful times and heated arguments. He would also go look up his exs to lust over them during those times. He has admitted to doing it out of spite as well. He does have accountability groups and a group that he attends weekly for sobriety. This has absolutely torn me apart in so many ways. the lust the porn the wandering eyes, constant exes being brought back, cant go out in public with him. I’ve given him so much grace and mercy but it is killing me. I am now pregnant, still in my first trimester. the other week we ended up arguing and it got heated. we went into separate rooms to cool off and I notice on his covenant eyes application that he is browsing around trying to find things to lust over, I go confront him and he admits to browsing. I break down yell at him and run back into my room. my mom and sister end up coming over, he stays in his room dosent come out. As im crying in my moms arms, my husband is watching porn in the other room. I find out and go confront him, he unlocks the door and admits to watching porn. I completely lost it, I was screaming at the top of my lungs bawling my eyes out completely hysterical, yelling at him cussing him out condemning him to hell. my mom had to drag me out of that room and try to get me to calm down. she told him he needs to leave for a bit , he packs his stuff goes to a hotel and continues to watch porn there. i go and stay at my moms and have been here for about a week. he went back to our house a couple days later. He texted me his sorrys and how he’s hurt me and been ungrateful. if he wanted this marriage, this family the least he could do is apologize in person. I am so mad , so hurt I do not know what to do.

Hey all!

My fiancé and I are getting married this Saturday (yay!) and have both waited for marriage to have sex together. I'm a little bit nervous about what to expect (especially as a woman, I'm concerned about pain). My fiancé is the most loving and caring man, so I know I can trust him and feel safe with him, but it's still my first time, which is scary! What is your best advice for us? Thank you, guys!

I am basically opting for an in-home separation. We have a bunch of kids and I don’t really want them to experience the trauma of divorce, but I don’t want to deal with my husband either.

Yelling and screaming is normal for me in my childhood so I guess I do it naturally, not good I know. My husband says when he tells me to stop talking at him and I keep going and going that it feels like I’m r*ping him, which is a crazy comparison to me but that’s his feeling of it. He says if 1) he tries to calm me down and 2) he can’t get away physically, he feels trapped that I keep talking/yelling at him and he feels he has no other choice but to get physically violent.

He basically fake-choked me the other day when he got mad at me for continually harping at him about some stupid stuff (hands around my throat without actually squeezing while shaking me). This obviously shut me up and scares me. He’s done this four times this year and it’s being done more and more and he keeps using the excuse that it’s a defense mechanism for when I keep r*ping him with my “verbal and emotional abuse.”

I told him if he did it again I would seek out a divorce because I’m not living with fear of getting choked just because I happen to yell. They are not comparable to me, but he thinks they are.

I don’t want to dismiss the fact that I yell at him and follow him around the house when I’m upset. it’s not the greatest I get it. He is an avoidant type and a withdrawer. So I want to be fair to his side, I probably get angry because he never wants to talk about anything. he will never bring up old disagreements and never wants to bring up anything because he’s afraid it will turn into me arguing and following him around the house.

he says if I just stop being upset and following him around, then there would be no threat of him snapping and hurting me. he says I contribute to the danger and that without me following him around, he is zero threat. this confused me because he’s basically right, but at the same time, I don’t want “don’t yell at me and you won’t get choked out” to be what keeps the peace. it’s super weird to say that. He is otherwise a great father and generally good husband, but he sucks at dealing with conflict normally and definitely trash when he feels cornered, which feels like all the time lately.

I don’t want to divorce but I also don’t want to live in a marriage where I can’t express basic disagreement without him running away, and if I push it, having the threat of violence.

And no, he has never harmed the kids.

So we have an almost 12 month old boy and yes all I wanted was to become a mother. I absolutely love being a mum, I am still breastfeeding and my hormones are all over the show sometimes. If I ever tell my husband I am quite exhausted or tired he says 'you wanted this life'. This gets my blood absolutely boiling, how am I meant to respond to this? He has no sympathy for me being tired, overworked, exhausted. He says 'you're in your pyjamas all day, Im actually at work wrong. 14 hours days'.

How am I meant to respond or be with this situation? Or will men truly never understand?

I know I wanted this life and I love it but he needs to realise sometimes I will be a little overstimulated, tired and exhausted.

I'm feeling helpless.

Basically the above question. My pastor says that there is no 1 person/soulmate for a person seeking marriage. That anyone, as long as they are truly a child of God and equally yoked, qualifies. I kinda disagree, I believe that some, especially when it comes to destiny related kingdom marriages, there is a specific person for you. Some destinies/calling are not marriage dependent so those kinds don’t have soulmate type of marriage. Im more 50/50 depending on your purpose and if its tied to marriage.I want to understand what/how others feel and I am willing to learn. Those who are married please feel free to let me know your thoughts.

I have been wondering on this topic for a long time. As a proper Christian family should operate. I believe there should be no need for either spouse to masturbate. Neither should they be consuming pornography or using “marital aids” without the other partner.

Do you practice open communication, do you plan special nights, or do you talk openly about how you feel on intimacy levels.

I think this is incredibly important for marriage because at the end of the day a lot of people seemed to have marital problems related to this, and it even seems delayed to problems that are much bigger than that due to dissatisfaction either on the wife or the husband’s part.

I believe that the closer two people are the less room there is for the rest of the world to corrupt them

I don’t like my fiance having close relationships with the opposite sex. He is very friendly and makes a lot of friends at work (male and female). He had a best friend female coworker that as our relationship deepened I started to feel uncomfortable with. I disclosed I personally don’t want my husband having close relationships with the opposite sex where they are texting, sending memes and snapchatting daily.

After the convo, he seemed to agree but I guess just got sneaky with it because I found out months later about a new female coworker who he became best friends with who he kept hidden from me. Never heard of her until I saw they were number 1 Snapchat besties.

There was nothing sexual or romantic in the texts. But they were very close. Mainly work related convos but also some personal stuff. One day after me and him fought, he texted her asking if he could call for girl advice. Then later that day venmoed her for her birthday. So clearly he felt very comfortable with her.

I’m not sure if this was due to him feeling controlled ( again there wasn’t anything sexual or romantic) or if I’m valid for feeling so hurt. I’m not sure how to move forward with opposite sex friendships or if we are just incompatible. We are not married yet.

We are both Christians and I have prayed to God but I feel I am being clouded with emotion and can’t figure it out. Am I being unreasonable? It seems I don’t agree and he is constantly making these friendships in turn making me uncomfortable.

This issue perplexes me bc there’s like this push to reproduce but how can this happen when standard of living requires two incomes almost certainly? Like my sons and wives need those two incomes to live their basic lifestyles and that’s before children, they are young so they have some time to figure it out and things can change but right now? No way, No one can stay at home and get bills paid and both working means childcare expenses, which means both working full time for about $600 more per month after paying childcare. That just seems crazy to me! So how does this work?

So my husband had an encounter with Jesus as a teenager which is when I met him. He even became a Youth Pastor and was very devoted in his faith and everything to do with God. He prayed, fasted, worshipped, preached, etc. Then he started struggling with his emotions and mental health. Shortly after we got married and then COVID came and after that we moved to another state and he pretty much stopped attending church as much (he did but it wasn’t a priority to him and would find any excuse to get out of it). Now I get that as Christians we all have seasons where we’re up and then down. But this has been going on for about 7 years. And I don’t even recognize the man I fell in love with. He is still depressed which I know can affect a looot of things. But, I find it strange that he doesn’t even open his mouth to praise during worship, doesn’t like praying with me (he’ll ask me to do it instead of him). And he doesn’t ever say amen out loud. When confronted about it he just says he’s saying it in his mind. But, all of the time? I just worry there might be something stronger behind it like a stronghold that keeps him from truly being free to worship, to praise, to pray, etc. I know proverbs says the tongue has the power of life and death, so I believe it is important to be able to do this things out loud too. I don’t want my daughter to grow up wondering why mom does certain things that dad doesn’t because what kind of example are we setting for her? Is this something I should address with him or should o just keep praying for him like I have for the past 7 years? I don’t want to push him but I also don’t know if I should stay quiet about something I feel is important as a Christian and as a marriage. IDK PLEASE HELP

I female (23) have been struggling with my marriage. I been in my relationship for 10 years since we were teens. I have exposed my husband for explicit content he stored on his device. It affected the way I see him in so many ways. Especially bc some of the content contained real life people in our close circle. It’s been so hard to forgive and move on. He’s reassured me he still loves me and obviously knows the damaged he caused but yet doesn’t consider it “cheating”. I been so disconnected since, we have 2 children together and he states he doesn’t want to end our family. I’m not sure if he’s saying that because it would be hard without me or if he’s being sincere. Any advise anyone?

I didn’t know wether to post this in the age gap couple group or here. But I need Godly advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years! Together for 12. And we have a 30 year age gap !!!!! I know. It’s very controversial and so many people against it, but here we are. Anyways, the age gap is truly affecting me now and I feel stuck. We have 4 kids together. My first was from a previous relationship but he stepped up and has been a great father to him. When we both met, we were both going through vulnerable time in our lives so we basically just connected. We were both unsaved at the time. And I got pregnant with my second child very soon into the relationship. Like after 2 months ! He was basically my savior after I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship. And I knew that I wanted a stable healthy life for my kids so I stayed. He’s a great man very respectful, great father hard worker anyone who knows him thinks he’s a great man. We came to Christ together after a very rough patch in the relationship after I confessed that I had stepped out of our marriage and betrayed him. He forgave me and we worked through it. Years later, these feelings of bitterness are surfacing again. And my struggles with lust are coming back. We have great communication and I’ve even talked to him about this. I know that being with a younger man does not guarantee that I will be happy and fulfilled. But I just hate being with an older man now. And I know you could think like, why didn’t I think about this when I first met him ? I get so mad and tell myself that I was so young and naïve and had kids to think about. I wasn’t thinking about how it was going to feel 10 years later. I even get mad at him and say how he took advantage of the situation. I know God works everything together for good for those who love him, and the good thing is that we both came to Christ together. On the outside, everything looks good a happy stable family like I wanted to give my kids. Everything better than I had in my childhood. But in the inside i feel stuck. And im scared to fall. But im also scared of divorce! I don’t want to fail God, I don’t want to destroy my family.

For context, my boyfriend (M27) and I (F23) are a Christian couple, we actively go to church, and my boyfriend has been studying theology in hopes of becoming a minister one day.

I had posted on here previously, asking for advice as my boyfriend (who confessed that he watched pornography. However, I already knew as I had seen his search history several times). We had a deep and long conversation how he was addicted to it when he was younger, and would still occasionally watch it. He told me that it's not personal, it wasn't about me. To not take it personally because that's just how men are hard wired. But how can I not? He says that God designed a woman's body to be something that men like to look at.. Those kind of lines. I mean, I appreciate the honesty, but I can't help but feel disgusted, not only in him, but myself as well. Especially with him talking to me about proposing to me soon.

For me, I've never indulged in that and it was quite hurtful on my part to have that revelation. Made me question, whether or not I was good enough, attractive enough.. It's taking a toll on my self esteem. I've had a history with my ex who r*ped, assaulted and abused me, have also caught him cheating and watching porn as well. Just feels like it triggered my trauma too. I actively am seeking therapy for it. But just wanted to ask for people who have gone through something similar to me.. Does it get any better? Does the icky feeling go away? What do you even do in this situation, other than praying and hoping that he changes that habit and gets better one day?

This is going to be a long one. I have a lot of pent up resentment, and I guess grief, to let loose.

I don't know how to continue my marriage, or if I want to. I feel defeated, lost, and resentful. I didn't arrive here overnight. This has happened in increments, and now I am on the verge of leaving. I looked at apartments yesterday.

The background: if I had to describe my marriage (2 years on September 9th) I would say that it has been disappointing. My husband: distracted. Me: invisible. We weren't able to live together for the first year or so of our marriage due to our existing leases. We closed on our home about a year ago. It has been the hardest year of my life, between a series of problems with the house and what seems like a complete 180 on my husband's part once we were under the same roof. We are Christians (well, I am) and it was important for us to be married before living together. Since we moved in together, though... he doesn't pray with me anymore. He prays with his son, but not with me. I never see him read his bible. His marijuana use has gotten worse. He curses in casual conversation, even with me. He curses at his son. He plays hours of video games on his phone, like two hours per day. This combined with the marijuana use... he is behaving like a teenager. He isn't leading our home in any capacity. Once, I went downstairs to find him looking at a half-naked woman on his phone. He then lied about it. We both work full-time jobs and earn similarly, yet I am responsible for the majority of the housework. I'm exhausted and I feel used. I don't feel appreciated or even seen. Whenever I express an emotion about any of the above, it's too much. I am too anxious. I am overreacting. I need to delegate more. But I've tried, I've really tried! I've asked for months to go to therapy. He is amenable to going, but wants me to pick the therapist, make the appointment, and tell him when to show up. I'm too exhausted to do this work right now. I'd really like to do it together, but he won't. He expects me to prod him along in his own life.

Almost two years in, this is what life is like, outside of the stepparenting dynamics. Add those in, and I'm lost in the sauce. I feel like a maid. Sometimes, the only time his son speaks to me is when he is asking me to buy him something or to make him food. One time, my husband told me that we needed something from the grocery store, and I told him to add it to the grocery list. He said, "I just did." Meaning, that I'm the grocery list. He said that in front of his son, and they laughed about it. This is a small example, but these add up over time. They walk ahead of me, together, wherever we go. I invite them to have a popcorn and movie night, they say yes, and then they do their own thing instead. You get the picture. I just don't belong, and they make sure I know it.

The straw that is breaking the camel's back is this: my husband's shared parenting plan with his ex-wife indicates that my husband's parenting time begins on Tuesday evening and ends on Thursday morning every week, and every other weekend, his parenting time begins on Friday evening and ends on Monday morning. The split is 50/50, but we have him much more as my husband handles Cub Scout and school activities even on his ex's parenting time. My husband pays child support as well as covering all Cub Scout expenses, clothing, haircuts, and other necessities for his son. We often purchase clothing and shoes on top of the child support. On Tuesday morning, my husband received a text message from his ex-wife stating that he is no longer to pick up his son after school. He must now wait until 6:00-6:30 in the evening, as he is needed to babysit his younger sister, who is 5, until the ex-wife gets home from work. My stepson is 10. Setting aside the morality of a 10 year-old being a 5 year-old's caregiver for multiple hours each day, this has caused chaos in our home. My husband had to wait for 40 minutes outside of the ex-wife's house on Wednesday, because his son wasn't allowed to leave until she got there. Cub Scouts begins at 6:30 on Tuesdays and we host a church small group in our home at 6:30 on Wednesdays. My obvious frustration about this has of course been labelled too much, as the rest of my emotions are. His ex-wife is again telling him to jump, and he is again asking her how high he should. This has been a pattern throughout the duration of our marriage, with him even leaving me alone in the middle of an active miscarriage because he had to deal with drop off/pick up. He has always implied that he doesn't do these things for her, but for his son. But he can no longer hide behind that lie, because being a full-time babysitter at the age of 10 is obviously not in his son's best interest. So again, I am expected to just go along with all of this, have no opinions, and continue to be the grocery list and the urine cleaner-upper.

I am really thinking about leaving. I am a Christian, and I believe that God does not condone divorce, which is why I have held out as long as I have. But I have a hard time believing that this is how God would want me to be treated for the rest of my life. I find myself fantasizing about how my life was before I married him and moved here. I miss the peace that I had.

If you have read this far, thank you. Please be gentle with me, as I'm already pretty torn up. However, I am in need of advice, and I guess support? Confirmation that I am not asking for too much, and that I am not crazy? What would you do if you were me?

I know I'm not unique in this but praying with my wife has always be a bit of a struggle for me in that I suck at doing it consistently, and I want to improve. I don't pray "eloquently" and I know that's not a requirement. But I often don't know what to pray for in the moment. So, today, while I was in church I started writing a prayer and it clicked that I could actually write my prayers ahead of time and read them with my wife later. I hope to try that soon.

So my question for the spouses here is, what does prayer look like in your marriage?

Hello all,

For context my wife (32F) and I (32M) just got married in April, going on 5 months. Prior to being married our relationship was great, we weren’t living together yet, but even then we were well, but once we got married and started living together, things have went downhill. Our love life has dwindled down, we argue constantly and just never understand each other. I have honestly asked her multiple times if she wants to get out of it, and she gets mad cause it seems I go to that in her eyes every argument we have. When we do argue, I get petty and have smart comebacks and check out emotionally, while for her she can get pretty riled up as well but still looks for emotional connection. Yesterday was her bday and I got her a small gift and took her out for dinner. This morning she said she was sad cause she expected more (flowers, a card, presentation) to make her feel more special, and I took it as okay fine, I now know to make sure I have that every single time and she said it was sad that I took it as my duty and not wanting to. She also said I didn’t touch her much yesterday but I hugged and kissed her before she left to start her day.

Sorry for the long read but nonetheless now I’m at a point where it’s hard to see our marriage truly flourishing but I am willing to make it better. Any suggestions?

My husband does a really great job at being the anchor for the family and taking on the leadership role. After a long day of that though, I can tell his battery is really empty and it'll seep into the next day. Wives, what do you do to help your husband after days like that? Husbands, what have you found to help you after days like that? Is there anything you guys have found together that helps?

Hi so my husband is always talking about how tired he is even when he gets a full nights sleep. It sometimes becomes an argument for us because I am also waking up for the baby in the night.

He got about 9-10 hours of sleep last night. I woke up multiple times to comfort the baby (multiple wake ups but easy to console him back to sleep). This morning around 7AM when my children were waking, I asked my husband to get up with them so I could rest a little longer. He seemed annoyed, so I asked if he was. He told me he was a little because he had to get up since he wakes up so early for work days during the week. I reminded him that I do all the night wake ups for the baby. It turned into a big fight. I definitely could’ve been gentler with how I was feeling.

Now I’m questioning Is it wrong of me to ask for that help? Should I try to do more since he gets up for work (around 6AM, sometimes 5-5:30 AM if he has to drive farther). I always do the night wake ups for the baby, so that he can get his sleep.

I am nervous it’s going to cause a rift between us again. Him being annoyed when asked to help me get a l

This was a fight with our last child, too, because I used to work full time & do most of the night wake ups. Now I don’t currently work, so I don’t feel as exhausted from it.

What do other people with young children do? Does the lack of sleep cause arguments?

Im a 27 y/o christian man and have been waiting to find my wife before being more intimate than anything past kissing.

That being said, I have a high drive. Ive spent most of my adult life not being in or pursuing any kind of relationship, but ive started to be intentional about it over the past year. And a worry/struggle thats been running through my mind over the past several months as I've been dating/trying to find my wife, is meeting a faithful, God fearing girl, and eventually marrying her, only to find out shes not interested in sex. Or even just not nearly as interested in it as I will be.

That intimacy is something that I really look forward to and hope for for a relationship; I dont want to go Into a marriage and be blindsided by her not being interested enough for me. Knowing my body and its urges, id hope to be able to make time for it every few days, ideally more, but ik that's not reasonable for a lot of women. But i could even be content with once to twice a month, given theres no external reason we couldn't (in which case I can be understanding and patient when the situation calls for it, like sickness/being too busy).

I just hear way too many stories of married couples being dissatisfied with a dead bedroom, or not feeling desired by their spouses, and I cant help but think that a lot of those situations could have been avoided. So for the people who did make an effort to avoid it...

Whats the best way? Should it be talked about within the first 5-10 dates? After becoming exclusive? And how do you bring it up in an appropriate manner when you decide its time to?

My husband (59M) doesn’t take care of his hygiene, and it affects me (49F) more than I care to admit.

He showers maybe once or twice a week. But without soap or a washcloth. He’s mostly bald so no attempt for shampoo.

He does brush his teeth twice a day. But doesn’t wash his face.

Yes, this is depression.
Yes, we’re in marriage therapy.
We’ve been married two years. Waited for marriage. To my knowledge, this all started when we got married.

I’ve tried inviting him in to the shower with me. I’ve tried leaving the shower on when I’m done so he can hop it. I’ve tried turning on the shower when I’m not showering and suggesting how good the hot water would feel on his achey muscles.

He smells so bad.
Our bedroom smells.
The side of the couch where he usually sits smells

At our next therapy session, we’re supposed to be talking about physical intimacy. Which we have none. My husband thinks he has ED. We’ve had sex maybe 4-5 times in the two and a half years we’ve been married. I need more physical intimacy. Touch my hand. Something. Anything. But please shower first.

How do I gently discuss this in therapy?
Men who have experienced the shame cycle - how do I encourage my husband?

Seems like all I see is complaining here. Can someone comment some positivity?