We (me HLM, wife LLF) have been in a dead bedroom for years. Like so many, good companions, great roommates, but nothing in the bedroom to speak of. It’s been years since PIV. We’ve fooled around, I’ve give oral several times, but she’s been cold. I got a granny hug a couple days ago lol. I’m doing a bathroom upgrade and took a pic with me (naked) visible in the corner of the new mirror. Admittedly poking the bear a little - just trying to get a response… something… anything. Not like here it is, in your face, but she’d have to look carefully to see anything. Well… bear was poked. Response, ‘I am not amused I don’t want that pic on my texts’. So… deleted. Experiment failed. We’ve been married for a long, long time. She has been through menopause, but I was hoping for something remotely positive. Nope. Nothing even remotely flirtatious, just shut down.

It’s frustrating… I’ve listened, been patient, respected her every time I’ve been rejected - that’s her prerogative. I’ve tried all the things… lighten her load, date nights, everything to encourage any form of intimacy - not just sex. I hit a wall every time. So… for shits and giggles, I tried a pic. Failure too. I suppose I’ll have to be content with no affection. It’s tough. Frustrating. Challenging. I want her every day, but it’s not reciprocated at all. It’s difficult.

I’m a married man in my 40s. My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years, and we have a child together. I want to establish something at the beginning because I think it changes the entire nature of the problem: I love my wife. Deeply. She is my best friend. We get along extremely well. She knows me better than anybody on earth. She is incredibly loyal, an amazing mother, and somebody I fully intend to grow old with. When I look at her, I still see the beautiful woman I married more than two decades ago. I’m not sitting around wishing I’d married somebody younger or hotter. I adore her.

The problem is that the sexual and physically intimate part of our marriage has basically disappeared. And when I say that, I don’t mean that we have sex once a month and I wish it were three times a week. I mean essentially nothing. We haven’t had intercourse in around two years. There are no oral or manual sexual acts. No making out. No French kissing. No groping. Very little lingering physical touch. Her breasts are completely off-limits. We kiss on the lips, but I genuinely can’t remember the last time we passionately kissed each other. There is almost nothing sexual about our relationship anymore.

My wife is autistic, and physical touch has always been more complicated for her than it is for me. I knew that when I married her, but this wasn’t always our relationship. When we were younger, there was sexual desire. There was touching, making out, sex, and a sense that my wife actually wanted me sexually. Over the years, though, she has become much more accepting of her own boundaries and sensory preferences, which in most areas is understandable. But from my side of the marriage, it sometimes feels as though preferences gradually became absolute limits. Something being uncomfortable for her became sufficient reason for it never to happen.

And because you obviously can’t negotiate someone into enjoying physical or sexual contact they don’t want, the person who wants less intimacy effectively determines how much intimacy exists. That’s one of the things I’ve had the hardest time wrapping my head around, because I absolutely do not want sex or physical affection that she doesn’t want to give, but the practical result is that my need for that kind of connection basically has nowhere to go.

Years ago I also developed a snoring problem. At the time her job was the more stable one, provided our insurance, etc., so protecting her sleep mattered and I moved into another bedroom. That arrangement made sense then. Circumstances have changed considerably since, and sleeping together would be much more realistic now, but she has become accustomed to sleeping separately and doesn’t want to change it. That has removed another little piece of ordinary marital intimacy.

One of the things that probably affected me most happened during the last few years when we were still occasionally sexual. She would tell me that she was perfectly willing to have sex with me, but that I needed to get her drunk first. She genuinely did not understand why that bothered me. Her position was basically, “I’ve told you what works. Get me drunk and then we can have sex.”
There were a couple of times I actually took her up on it because she had explicitly told me that was what she wanted, and every time I felt awful afterward. Not because she believed I had done something wrong. She was the person suggesting the arrangement. It bothered me. What I wanted was for my wife to want me. I didn’t want sex badly enough that I wanted to pour alcohol into her until whatever inhibition or aversion she normally experienced disappeared. We talked about it several times, and she never really understood the distinction. Eventually I mostly stopped trying.

After years of this, something weird has happened to me sexually. The last several times we attempted intercourse, I began experiencing erectile problems with her. Sometimes I could get hard but couldn’t stay hard. Sometimes I couldn’t climax. Sometimes I couldn’t get an erection at all. That is not generally what happens when I’m alone. I can still become sexually aroused. I can masturbate normally. I can climax normally. I read erotica/smut and occasionally watch porn, and my wife knows about both. Neither is something I hide from her. She seems perfectly content for those to be my outlet, probably in part because it means I don’t bother her about sex as much.

So this doesn’t feel to me like my sexuality disappeared. It feels more like my body eventually stopped associating my wife with the possibility of sex. On the very rare occasions when she is receptive to something sexual now, there’s this enormous psychological difference between feeling that somebody wants you and feeling that somebody is allowing you to do something. Apparently that distinction matters to me a lot more than I ever realized.

I can still find my wife physically attractive. I can look at her and think she’s beautiful. I can love her body. I can want closeness with her. But I can’t seem to manufacture sexual arousal in an environment where I know the other person would generally prefer that the sexual interaction wasn’t happening. That’s the hardest thing for me to explain.

Sex itself isn’t even the entirety of what I miss. I miss being wanted. I miss making out, touching somebody and having them enjoy being touched, being touched because somebody wants their hands on me, flirting, sexual tension, and that feeling where kissing naturally becomes touching and nobody had to schedule anything or negotiate beforehand. I miss the entire physical language that normally exists between two people who are lovers.
And at the same time, I don’t want to leave my wife. That’s where I feel stuck. I’ve been married to this woman for more than 20 years. We have a family. We built a life together. She’s my closest friend. We laugh together, function well together, support each other, and genuinely love each other. This isn’t a miserable marriage with one redeeming feature. It’s a very good marriage with one enormous missing dimension.

Years ago I took the lack of sex much more personally. I interpreted it as rejection and sometimes as evidence that something was wrong with our marriage. I don’t really see it that way anymore. I understand her better now. I don’t think she’s withholding sex to punish me. I don’t think she doesn’t love me. I don’t even think she fully understands what this feels like from my side because physical and sexual intimacy simply doesn’t carry the same significance for her.

But understanding why something is happening doesn’t make the loss disappear.

So I guess I’m looking for perspective from people who have actually lived this rather than generic “communicate more” advice. Has anyone had a marriage reach this point, essentially no sexual relationship at all, and actually rebuilt genuine physical intimacy? Not duty sex or “Tuesday at 8:30 is intercourse night.” I mean genuine affection and erotic connection. Is it realistic to hope that something like that can return after years of absence?
If you are the lower-libido or touch-averse partner, was there anything your spouse did that helped you understand what being physically desired meant to them without making you feel pressured? And for people who stayed in otherwise good marriages where sex never came back, how did you eventually make peace with that without becoming bitter toward someone you genuinely love?

Because that’s ultimately what I’m trying to avoid. I don’t want to resent my wife. I don’t want sex that she doesn’t genuinely want. I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life pretending that being sexually wanted by the person I love doesn’t matter to me.

Right now I’m trying to figure out how all three of those things can coexist.

Am I the only one that after so long of no sex or any kind of other intimacy that is done. I feel like if my wife even offered, I say no at this point. Almost would be angry if that makes sense. I'm so lonely. No kisses or hugs, etc. Also, having sex and waiting 6 more months would just add more resentment.

After so long without, it’s like Instagram knows it…I (36HLM) get AI smut/naked ladies…I just spent $50 on AI porn like an idiot 🥲

It was such a rip off, I cant believe I have stooped this low

Anyone else ever had one of these dreams where you didn't want to wake up? I've had one last night and I'm so sad because of it it. I know it was just a sex dream but it was so passionate, I felt so loved and desired. It felt so real. I woke up with my heart racing. Man, I wish I could have experienced it a little longer.

Has anyone’s dead bedroom actually improved after they lost weight?

I gained a significant amount of weight about three years ago, and around that same time our sex life started declining pretty heavily.

My wife says my weight has nothing to do with it, but I still wonder if attraction could be playing some role, even subconsciously.

I’m currently in the process of losing weight, but the constant rejection definitely gets to me and makes it hard not to wonder if my weight is part of the reason.

For anyone who was in a dead bedroom and later lost a decent amount of weight, did anything change? Did your partner seem more attracted to you, initiate more, or did your sex life improve at all?

For context, I wrote another post earlier about the history of my dead bedroom and some of the reasons I’m still in the marriage. You can read it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/O3o5UsPCZk

I’ve spent a lot of time reading posts here, especially the ones from people who left dead bedrooms and either found something better or at least found relief from the situation they were in. I understand why “just leave” is such a common answer here. Sometimes leaving absolutely is the right decision.

For me, though, I keep coming back to the same problem: leaving a bad situation in one area does not guarantee that I end up in a better situation overall.

My marriage has a very serious sexual and physical-intimacy problem. I am not minimizing that. It affects me deeply, and I miss being desired, touched, kissed, and having a genuinely sexual relationship with my wife. That loss is real, and staying means accepting the possibility that I may continue living with a major unmet need.
But my marriage is also much more than the bedroom.
My wife is my best friend and someone whose companionship I value enormously. We have built a life together over many years. This also isn’t a situation where I see her as the bad guy or as someone maliciously withholding something from me. Our intimacy problems are complicated, and there are things about desire, sexuality, and her own limitations that I don’t believe she simply chose.

We also have a son who is entering high school. Separating right as he enters adolescence would introduce a major amount of instability into his life, and I am extremely reluctant to do that unless I believe there is a compelling reason.

Divorce would also immediately create practical consequences. We would go from one household to two. We would probably need another vehicle. The same resources that currently support one family structure would suddenly have to support two separate lives. I would also be introducing a tremendous amount of additional stress into two areas of my life that already require a lot of attention.

It would destabilize my wife’s life as well. Whatever our problems are, I love her. I do not regard her as an obstacle standing between me and a better sex life. She is a person I care about deeply who has built her life alongside mine. Upending that has a cost to her, and that cost matters to me.

And then there is the thing I think sometimes gets lost in discussions about leaving: what exactly am I guaranteed to receive in return for all of those costs?

Nothing.

I would not be trading a dead bedroom for a healthy sexual relationship. I would be trading my existing marriage for the possibility that someday I might have a healthier sexual relationship.

Maybe I would. Maybe I would meet someone with whom the physical chemistry was incredible and the rest of the relationship was wonderful too. That is certainly possible.
It is also possible that I would spend years single. Dating might be miserable. I might find someone who gives me everything I am currently missing sexually while introducing an entirely different set of problems that are just as serious, or worse.

That is something I have become increasingly aware of. A hypothetical future partner is incredibly easy to idealize because she has no known faults yet. I can imagine someone affectionate, sexually enthusiastic, physically compatible, emotionally available, financially responsible, loyal, stable, kind, intelligent, and wonderful with my son.
But that person is imaginary.

My actual wife has known flaws because I have spent decades discovering them. Any real future partner would eventually have her own.

So I cannot look at the worst deficiency in my current marriage, imagine a future relationship without that deficiency, and automatically conclude that the second relationship would be better overall. I might simply trade one kind of pain for another.

And none of this means I think my marriage is fine. It isn’t. The lack of physical intimacy hurts like hell sometimes. I love having a best friend, but if I am being completely honest, there is also a part of me that desperately wants a lover. Friendship, however valuable it is, does not completely replace that.

That is probably the hardest part of staying. I can acknowledge everything my wife gives me, appreciate how deeply she loves me, and still grieve something she may simply be unable to give me in the way I need it. Those things are not mutually exclusive.

Staying does not transform that loss into something insignificant or acceptable. It simply means that when I evaluate the entire system rather than one part of it, leaving currently looks like a very high-cost, largely irreversible decision whose hoped-for benefit is uncertain.

I know what staying costs me.

I also know a great deal about what leaving would cost me, my wife, and my son.

What I do not know is whether the thing waiting on the other side would actually be better.

So I’m not saying I will stay under every imaginable circumstance forever. I’m saying that, given the marriage I actually have and the alternatives I can realistically evaluate today, staying still makes more sense to me than leaving.

For now, the possibility of something better is nowhere near enough for me to give up everything that is still valuable about the life I already have.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and are both in our 20s. We used to be intimate frequently, at least once a day or every other day. We now have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first, I haven’t really wanted to be intimate. I still would, but it became less frequent because I really never was in the mood. After I had my baby, he was really pushy about how I would be cleared after my 6 week appointment and basically expected everything to go back to pre pregnancy. When it didn’t go back to how it was immediately, he began to complain and it was really off putting. I had a traumatic birth experience and it was the last thing on my mind. Plus it was painful. I began to resent him for being upset with me that it wasn’t as frequent. Ever since this happened, he doesn’t hold my hand, try to kiss me, hug me, etc. So now I don’t feel the love even more and it makes it even harder for me to get in the mood. The only time he is nice to me is when he’s trying to have sex. I really never want to. I don’t know how to get out of this mindset, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I want to want him, and I want to feel wanted. It’s starting to wear down our relationship. I don’t want to have a dead bedroom.

Me (32m) and my wife (29f) have been together 9 years. We have a 1y old daughter. But over the years our sex life has decreased. Now, I love my wife to pieces. I also will 100% admit kids, childbirth, and long term partners do take tolls on people. But I've noticed a few changes the last few years even before kids.

1. Whenever she gets into bed she never instigates anything. She'll climb into bed and watch her shows or short form video content. I am always the one who has to roll over to get attention. However, she has no issues with her cat hopping up and nesting into her arms and gives him kisses. And if I curl up with her AND the cat arrives, she won't even shoo him away she'll just give him kisses (we have 4 cats. One is mine. We adopted a pair of siblings, and her coworker gave us a 4th). I've gone nights without her rolling over to hug me, rub my back, spoon me, etc but she always asks for back rubs (again on her phone) ignoring me.

2. Whenever I do curl up, sometimes she won't even put her phone away and will watch her shows over my head.

3. I work afternoons to evenings and she works mornings to afternoons, and is home at nigh to put our kid to bed, but only wants to make love in the morning when I'm unable to. She knows I'm not a morning sex guy.

4. She always says, "Maybe. We'll see. No promises. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe this weekend." And sex is always being pushed out to Maybe once every 2.5 weeks if that and that's if I'm being very persistent.

5. When we do have sex she never does anything. She just lays there and will indulge me with dirty talk. Very little foreplay or seduction. She'll say, if I'm unable to finish, "Well. Don't say I didn't try." And then never offer to do it when I'm able to but always tells me she needs to cum before we finish. I'll ask for specific panties, maybe a dress, a skirt, something to spruce it up and I'm always shot down. Yet she asks for her favorite positions and and doesn't indulge me.

6. In the past she would send me dozens of sexy photos. Now, whenever I ask, or infer, she tells me no and if she does send me one it's always a generic kiss face with some shirt cleavage and nothing more.

I just feel like I come 4th or 5th these days and I just leave to play video games most nights. She always says, "Oh. You're leaving me?" If we're on the couch/bed but doing our own thing. (Again, with her cat and her shows ignoring me.)

It could be me over analyzing things, but it feels tough when I just want my wife to touch me in some way. She rolls over and spoons me instead of me having to go do it. Having her do more in our love life then lay on her back and I do all the work.

I've tried to talk to her but she just turns it around to being tired, dealing with our child, working, etc. And then she shuts down the conversations.

Advice appreciated

I broke up with my partner (M) due to our dead bedroom last week. It had been going on since we started two years ago and since his last relationship for him. We had done a few couples therapy appointments and some sensate work and then had an intense appointment, I felt anxious for a few days, and I left. I really want him back. I feel like my body has come down from the anxiety, but there is such a longing for the partnership we had. The walks, the cuddles, the nothing and everything. I worry he won’t want me back after I ended things with him. I worry I could regret getting back with him. I worry the senate will work or won’t work and I feel like that’s part of why I left. I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to try and change when he didn’t want to and was just there to make me happy, while maybe what we needed was time to try and turn him back online and towards us.

I keep asking myself that hard question: do I stay or do I leave?
Some days the choice feels easy when we're having a hard day. But then other days it's hard because we have fun, we laugh, and we have a genuinely good day together.
I'm really tired of feeling like I'm the one putting all the effort in (from my point of view). I know he probably sees things differently, and that's part of what makes this so confusing.
I saw a comment on someone else's post asking, “What are we all doing with our lives if we feel this way—unwanted, lonely, etc.—most of the time?”
My answer is: I honestly don't know.
I still want to try. I love him. But I keep wondering if things are actually going to get better or change, or if we're just going to keep hurting each other while trying.
I'm not really looking for an answer. I guess I'm just throwing my question out to the subreddit because I don't know what else to do with it right now.
I haven't posted much here, but I do want to say thank you to everyone. Reading other people's experiences has made me feel a little less alone.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. My mind is such a mess these days.

I'm 21M and my girlfriend is 20F. We've been together for about 2 years, and we used to have a pretty active sex life.

About 6 months ago, she went abroad for work and became much more religious. She's now a hardcore Christian and has decided that she doesn't want to have sex again until we're married.

This hasn't been a huge issue so far because we've been long-distance for her job, but she's coming back in a few weeks and staing for good and I'm honestly worried about how difficult it's going to be.

I'm not Christian at all, and I don't really see much value in marriage for myself beyond making my partner happy. Because of that, the idea of potentially getting married just so we can have sex again doesn't sit right with me.

At the same time, I really care about her and don't want to throw away a 2-year relationship over this. But I'm also not sure I can realistically give up sex for potentially years and years.

I'm not looking for people to tell me that she owes me sex — obviously she doesn't. I respect that she's changed her beliefs and that it's her decision. I'm more interested in hearing from people who have actually been in relationships where one partner became religious or where one person wanted to wait until marriage and the other didn't.

How did you make it work? Did you find a compromise? Did the relationship eventually work out, or did the difference in beliefs become too much?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've been in a similar situation.

Ive been patient and understanding while giving her her space to navigate this difficult time in her life.

How have you all dealt with this?

I don't crave sex, touch, affection... being tolerated by others fills my cup. I think that through introspection I revealed to myself that my younger sex drive was egocentric, and used to bouy my self-confidence. I wanted to try everything once or twice and feel competent at something.

Once my career started improving and my confidence in other things improved I feel like I am borderline aroace.

I am comfortable saying that despite not yet being 40 years old I could go the rest of my life being celibate.

In the past, giving my wife massages could turn sexual because hearing her, smelling her, and touching her could turn me on. About 10 years ago she asked that massages not be foreplay... And so I tried to be more therapeutic and now it feels clinical.

I thought maybe my hormones were messed up so I got test and was told I'm normal. I had erectile dysfunction and got 10 pills for it about 4 years ago. We had sex 4 times since then with help from the pills. They're expired now with 6 left.

It has been over a year since we've had sex and I don't get it.. I don't get the drive to do it, I don't get the value from trying. I am sure my wife would have a better orgasm from masturbation. I encourage her to.

I love my wife and I want to want to have sex with her again. I just can't figure out how to want.

I’m not really posting this looking for advice. I think I just need somewhere to say it where other people might understand.

It’s been almost seven years since I’ve had real intimacy in my marriage.

Seven years.

Writing that out feels insane.

My husband and I actually get along pretty well. We have children together. We can laugh, talk, function as a family, handle life together. We fight less now than we used to. From the outside, I’m sure our marriage probably looks fine.

But there is essentially no physical intimacy between us. And after this long, I don’t even know whether I can call what we have a romantic marriage anymore.

I am so lonely.

And lately the loneliness has become almost unbearable.

I miss being touched. I miss being wanted. I miss someone looking at me like I’m beautiful. I miss flirting. I miss anticipation. I miss feeling like a woman someone actually desires instead of just a wife, mother, coworker, person who gets things done.

Sometimes I wake up wanting sex. I go through my day thinking about sex. I go to bed wanting sex. And it isn’t even purely about sex anymore. I want closeness. I want someone I can talk to about everything. Someone who is excited to hear from me. Someone who wants to know what I’m thinking. Someone I feel emotionally safe enough with that affection feels natural.

The saddest part is that I’m not even sure I want that from my husband anymore.

We’ve gone so long without touching that his touch feels unfamiliar to me now. There have been times he’s asked me for a hug when he was upset, and I gave it to him, but I didn’t enjoy it. I hate admitting that.

For years I kept thinking that if the physical issue got fixed, maybe everything else would come back. Maybe if he took better care of himself, addressed his health, addressed the ED, we could have sex again and somehow find our way back to each other.

Now I don’t know.

I’ve talked to him about this many times. I even gave him a deadline a long time ago because I needed to see meaningful change. That deadline came and went.

When we have serious conversations about our marriage, he shuts down. Eventually life returns to normal and it feels like the conversation never happened. Recently he keeps asking me if I’m okay.

I usually respond, “Are you?”

Because I’m tired of answering.

He knows I’m not okay.

I finally told him recently that I’m struggling. And I am. More than I think he understands.

Sometimes I fantasize about being single. Sometimes I fantasize about meeting someone who wants me. Sometimes I just want someone to message during the day who is excited that I exist. I understand now, in a way I never did before, how people in dead bedrooms become vulnerable to affairs. I’m not saying that because I’m planning one. I’m saying that prolonged loneliness does things to you.

It slowly changes you.

It changes how you see your spouse. It changes how you see yourself. It makes you question whether you’re attractive anymore. Whether anyone would want you. Whether this is really going to be your life forever.

And I think that’s where I am tonight.

I don’t know whether my marriage is salvageable. I don’t know whether I want to leave. I don’t even know exactly what I want anymore.

I just know I cannot imagine another seven years like this….

I’m tired…

And I’m lonely…,

Sorry for the long ramble, I needed to say it somewhere…

35M here, high libido. I’m genuinely looking for advice because this has been getting into my head and I’m starting to feel resentment.

This is basically how our sex life goes: I’m almost always the one who initiates. She rarely shows any spontaneous desire, rarely initiates, and most of the time when I approach her she seems completely neutral.

Last night I was extremely horny and tried to initiate. She wasn’t really responding or showing any excitement. I backed off because I didn’t want to create tension, and we watched a comedy movie for around 30 minutes.

After that I was still very aroused, so I told her I wanted to be intimate. She initially said no, but eventually agreed.

The frustrating part is that it felt like she was doing it because it was something she was supposed to do rather than because she actually wanted me. There was very little enthusiasm from her side in the beginning.

But once we started, she eventually got into it and had an orgasm. So I know she can enjoy sex. The confusing part for me is that she seems to have almost zero interest beforehand, but once we’re actually doing it, she can enjoy it.

Immediately afterward, though, she basically wanted me to finish quickly because she was done and wanted to sleep.

And honestly, this is starting to mess with my head.
I don’t just want sex. I want to feel **wanted**.

I want my wife to sometimes look at me and actually desire me. I want her to initiate sometimes, touch me first, or show me that she’s attracted to me without me having to start everything.

Instead, I feel like I’m constantly asking, initiating, trying to create the mood, and convincing her to participate. Even when she eventually enjoys herself, I still come away feeling like I was the one who wanted it and she simply went along with it.

Later around 3 AM I was aroused again and tried to initiate, and she got annoyed because she wanted to sleep. I ended up going to bed feeling rejected and with a lot of thoughts running through my head.
I know nobody owes anyone sex, and I don’t want her to have sex with me out of obligation. That’s actually the opposite of what I want.

What I don’t understand is whether this is just a normal libido mismatch or whether there’s something deeper going on.

Can someone genuinely enjoy sex once it starts but almost never actually **want sex beforehand**?

And am I being unreasonable for wanting to feel desired and wanting my wife to initiate sometimes?

How do couples deal with this without the higher-libido partner eventually becoming resentful and the lower-libido partner feeling pressured?

I’d genuinely appreciate perspectives from both HL and LL people.

My wife (38F) and I (38M) have been trying to figure out our mismatched desire (I'm more spontaneous, she's responsive). We've been doing sex therapy for close to 10 months and we have made some progress - primarily around what her needs are focusing on pleasure over performance. We are intimate 1, maybe 2 times per month - which I know many folks would not consider "dead", but it's not without work. I am always the one asking for/suggesting intimacy...it leaves me feeling pathetic.

Anyways, this specific post isn't meant to complain about our frequency - but I have been struggling to share the burden of resolving our mismatched libido. My wife has gone to numerous doctor appointments, which are normally a bit invasive and overall exhausting (testing for Vaginismus, polyps/cysts, HRT eligibility etc.). Its all for the sake of trying to repair our sex life, which is a problem I have highlighted (she seems fine without intimacy).

I wish I could match her libido by lowering mine (unfortunately, it seems chemical castration is a bit on the extreme spectrum nowadays). I don't even care so much about act of sex - I care more that I'm wanted, that I'm desired...that I'm the man who satisfies her in every way. Yes, I have confidence issues, but who doesn't (to some extent)?! I'm in shape, hygienic, a good father, an equal contributor to household obligations, and the sole financial provider. I also engage in many hobbies, such as running, golfing, and surfing; I think I have a good balance.

TLDR - my empathy eats at me as my wife consumes the burden of trying to raise her libido, all the while I stand on the sidelines as a glorified cheerleader.

I’m HLM and wife is LLF. We’ve been together for 10 years and in that time things have slowly declined.

Nothing will happen unless I initiate it, sometimes I get complete rejection, sometimes I wonder if she only just goes along with it to stop me talking about it.

She knows there’s an issue, she appreciates that this isn’t healthy. Up until 6 months ago she was on medication that is known to have a LL side effect but my attempts to kick start anything have almost always fallen flat.

The one time we’ve been intimate in the last 6 months she was borderline feral. It was like the early days of our relationship. That was 4/5 months ago and even then, I initiated it.

Since then it’s been a brick wall and we’re back to square 1.

There’s nothing in our lives that I can think of that would be such a road block. We share duties around the house and contribute equally, have date nights, holidays etc. there’s just no intimacy.

My husband (32LLM) and I (32HLF) have been married a little over 3 years. I'm at a loss for what to do. We had a very accelerated relationship (started dating in october, unofficial move in the next feb, official move in that may, and married that july) and during our dating phase we had no sexual issues.

It feels like its something that has just gotten worse and worse with time. When I first asked him he said he was tired all the time (he was working a physical job), then it was "oh its my ssri's", then it was "oh you ask too fast", then it was "oh we just need to schedule it", and now its "idk it makes me anxious to even think about". I have always had a high libido and have never dealt with this before in any relationship. He keeps saying its not me but the changing reasons kinda make me feel like it is.

He does occasionally initiate (once every like 4-5 months) and I feel like I HAVE TO have sex with him then because otherwise it'll be months again with me untouched. We're poly and at one point he was like "well just go get someone else" and I tried to explain that, to me, poly isn't about outsourcing vital relationship parts that one partner doesn't want to do. I saw a dead bedroom post on twitter today and it made me realize what this was. I kinda flipped out on him about how I can't take it anymore and now I've been in bed in the dark for hours. Idk. I've been thinking more and more about leaving but we just signed a years lease for rent. Not sure I'll be able to stay for a renewal of that lease.

My (32 HLM) wife (32 LLF) had her friend coming over for a girls weekend. I’ve really been feeling the strain from our lack of intimacy to me growing over the last few months, and I’ve responded by just picking up more and more responsibilities to channel my frustration.

So last week I took care of everything. Cleaned the entire house. The week’s dishes. Lawn mowed, fireplace swept, propane tanks filled, bedsheets laundered and changed. Went shopping for food, did the laundry, etc. She basically did one chore for the week: cooking dinner once.

I made her custom coffee three times and bought her favorite flowers, although I do that every few weeks. Helped her grandparents organize their house.

Then when the friend came, I was a perfect host. Drove them around, entertained them.

After the friend left my wife enthusiastically initiated sex for the first time in…. I don’t even know, a year? More?

I told my therapist about it, thinking it was a success. Then he asked how I felt. And really what I feel is even more sadness and frustration.

The level of effort I gave was insane and unsustainable. I’ve given more to the relationship in general for years now, but I can’t carry 100% of the weight for myself, us, and my partner forever with nothing in return.

I know the common advice is to reduce the mental and physical load to create space for intimacy. But if all of it has to completely be on me just to have good sex, that makes me feel even less confident in our relationship.

If this is the level I have to operate at forever just to have a meaningful intimate life, I don’t know how long I can sustain it.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind, and I’m quite anxious. Together almost 25 years with LLM, and sex and intimacy started declining rapidly in the past 5 years. There has been no sex or intimacy of any kind for at least a year. This is not my spouses fault- it’s due to a new chronic illness that we will live with the rest of their life. I’ve now been relegated to the role of caregiver, cook, driver, and housekeeper. I’ve always bore the brunt of the household chores, but now there’s no intimacy in the marriage, and now I look for it outside the marriage- but that’s not what i want- I want the marriage that has everything, and I can’t have it. I would never leave my spouse to have them face what they have to alone. They were an only child, and there is no family left to help- i am all they have. Although I am in my 50’s, i still feel young and theres so much more I want out of life. I am yearning for the next act i can’t have.

me (18M) and my boyfriend (18M) have only been together for six months, and we haven’t had sex in over 3 months. i don’t really know what to do because there’s not much in the way of advice for gay people in this scenario. because of our age and how recent the relationship is, i feel like it’s a bad sign and i should maybe quit while im ahead.

he always says he really wants to but he’s too tired or it’s too hot, and that we definitely will next week. and it’s never next week. we do have some level of sexual activity, but the past few times it’s been just him getting off and then again he’s too hot or tired and i’m just left by myself. the other week he came, and then left my house and sometimes i feel like im a one night stand to him.

i don’t wanna seem like i just care about sex, because he’s a great guy, but it’s got to the point where i’m really not bothered to do anything because I’m not getting much pleasure from it. any advice would be great.

Everyone says, “Communicate with your partner.” But there’s a strange paradox when the problem is desire itself: talking about it changes the very thing you’re trying to understand.

If you repeatedly explain how unwanted you feel, your partner may start feeling pressured, guilty or responsible for your emotional state. You may also begin appearing increasingly insecure. That pressure can lower their desire even further, meaning every attempt to fix the problem potentially makes it worse.

But if you stop mentioning it, nothing gets resolved and the resentment continues growing.

Then, if intimacy suddenly returns after one of these conversations, how do you know it’s genuine? Are they touching you because they truly want you, or because they feel bad and are doing you a favour? Even when they initiate, you may think, “Would this be happening if I hadn’t complained?”

It becomes a loop where neither person can win. If the lower-libido partner does nothing, the higher-libido partner feels unwanted. If they make an effort, it may feel like duty sex. Meanwhile, the lower-libido partner may feel that whatever they do will be questioned or judged.

Maybe desire and generosity can coexist. People sometimes do things partly because they love their partner, and that doesn’t necessarily make the intimacy fake. But where is the line between loving effort and simply servicing someone else’s need?

Can genuine desire and spontaneity ever return after sex has become a repeated topic of discussion? What eventually made you trust that your partner truly wanted you rather than merely doing you a favour—or did that doubt never disappear?