Same boat man. I was a latch key kid, and my dad would go on work trips for a couple weeks at a time and I would go to school, come home, lock the door and take care of myself as young as 7 or 8 years old is when it started.
Honestly the best time of my life was when he was gone. It was way worse when he was there.
The term "latch key kid" doesn't convey any info about your parent/s or guardian/s besides that, they work later than when the kid comes home for school, the kid let's themself into the house (usually with a hidden "latch key"), and is then home alone till the adult/s get off work.
So you were using it correctly, although your dad being gone for weeks at a time and the sole guardian is a pretty extreme example.
I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be critical. I mean this softly. Most people I know, including myself, who consider themselves latchkey kids were kids who cared for themselves after school while their parents worked, but the parents eventually came home at some point that night. I’m a bonus parent to a 7yo right now and could never ever imagine leaving them alone for a week. You deserved way better and I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Oh I acknowledge it was an extreme end of being a latchkey kid and it would be acceptable to call it temporary abandonment.
I appreciate your concern and I did deserve better. I’m been on a healing path for many years now and am at peace with a majority of my past. Happy to hear you couldn’t imagine abandoning that kid :) that alone puts you leagues ahead of my dad.
Seriously, though. I grew up with a single dad because my mom skedaddled when we were young. My dad worked long hours at a shipyard. I have an older brother but he was coddled compared to me and was very immature. Like…when my grandparents would ask me about him they would say “how is your little brother doing?” He is that immature. I was given a lot of responsibility at a young age, including learning to cook full meals at 9-10 years old. My dad would leave for work at 5am and get home in the evening well after we got home from school. I had to have a pot of coffee ready when he got home and at least working on dinner being done. We sent ourselves to school, let ourselves in, and basically raised ourselves.
I have 3 kids of my own now and it is absolutely wild to think of them doing the same things I had to do at their age.
Ditto here. Weeks at a time, from 8 years old. I had no idea where my parents were or when they would be home.
This is why I hate cooking as an adult. I can do it. I can do it well, depending on the dish. But I absolutely hate it. It just reminds me of being in a cold single-wide trailer in the dark, alone.
Indeed! My brother's and I would swicth cores every week. One of us would cook, one of us would do the laundry and one of us would make sure we did the homeowrk. When I was in charge of checking homework. It was always funny 😁 they are older. My response was alway "well its done, no idea if its right "
Reminded me of our chores when we were kids. At one point my parents set up a list of tasks and assigned dollar values to them and how frequently we could do them.
I was probably 10-11 at the time and remember looking for most money for least effort, so up on the roof to clean out the gutters to collect that $5 every month. Way better than the 50¢ to do the dishes every day.
My mother finally had an opening to leave my father without him knowing. He was strung out.
He knowingly gave my mother hep c, so when she found out. She has to go on the treatment and shots and everything. She was sick for a while. So my brothers and I had no choice but to step up and do the stuff. We were 8,12 and 13.
My oldest brother took on the task of helping my mother with her treatment injections.
My mother eventually got better but was verbally abusive and made me feel like I was a waste of space. she was on of the many reasons I attempted to unlive myself 3 times.
Im better now, been in therapy for years and on meds and live a great life.
Sorry about my bad grammar. I'm an engineer, who explains things bettet with math. Rather than an English expert or grammar police 🚔.
Steak is such an odd choice for a 9 year old that im imagining you as a tiny Ron Swanson sitting down with a blue Steak and a tumbler of locally distilled whiskey.
Neglected does not mean poor. Bad parents exist at all levels. Think of the common trope of the lawyer or Drs kids. Parents never home or are emotionally distant but house full of stuff.
Thank you for saying this! My gamete donors were wealthy. I was never hungry. I always had clothes. I was never beaten or even threatened much. I was even included in the distribution of their estate.. But I was an unplanned pregnancy that spoiled their plans to be a young, jet-setting couple. I was unwanted and barely interacted with, even by the housekeepers who were tasked with keeping me alive while they were out doing whatever. I find it extremely difficult to be around anyone for an extended length of time, even people who's company i enjoy. I've been totally alone now for most of my life, and I'm sure I'll be alone for the rest of it too. It's not all bad. It's actually quite nice and peaceful. I'm not being manipulated, or lied to, or betrayed by anyone (with the always possible exception of myself) Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out, but then I see how people treat each other and I'm not so sad about it. I guess life sucks for everyone, just in different ways.
Just responding to this to say that it is possible for you to get past the trauma of neglect and form healthy relationships. No matter your age, there's always time to write a new story for yourself.
Yes, it's true that there are lots of people out there who treat each other poorly. I have seen many friends go through relationship after relationship, all mostly bad, until they finally find the person who sees them for who they are and treats them well. It's often a difficult path but the people who I have seen walk it successfully end up growing a lot during the process. It's a journey worth taking.
And while it's true that "life sucks for everyone", all that means to me is that we all have our own struggles. But I think it's important that we strive to not let our struggles define us.
This. While I did grow up poor, I still had 3 hots and a cot, a roof, running water, and my parents beat me over the head with that fact every chance they could get as if it absolved them of the guilt of treating me like absolute shit.
My friend went to a private school despite not being able to afford it as her parents both taught music there. She and her family took her friend from school out somewhere for the day, and the friend ended up bawling his eyes out about how lucky she was to get to spend so much time with her parents; his were always working.
I wasn't neglected but my parents taught me how to cook things like eggs and pancakes before I was 5 and I would often just get up in the middle of the night and make omelettes for myself with whatever was in the fridge at the time.
And as an unneglected child that learned to cook all kinds of things just because my parents supported me learning things and taking initiative, also yes.
Just in case what I mean is they wouldn't buy me cookies but one time showed me how to bake them and then normally had the ingredients in the house so if I wanted cookies I could bake some for the family.
And as a loved child that learned to make cakes and all my food at (~7-10 i don't quite remember) i can also confirm it can just be down to how the kid is naturally
Neglected/abused/used as free labor by 'caretakers'. I've had people telling me I'm an 'old soul' since I was around six. I can come up with characters and stories and stuff (I do a lot of writing) easily, but that particular part of the child imagination that lets them play with toys and like...have 'adventures' with them and connect to them that way? I don't remember ever being able to do that. It was always like...it's a toy. Waving it around in the air and making noises doesn't make anything happen, I'm just...waving it around making noise, and I'll be lucky if one of the other kids doesn't just take it away and/or destroy it because they could see I liked it even a little.
There was just this entire space of 'child mind' that it seemed like I couldn't open, and still can't. Meditation and visualization stuff doesn't work for me. I can't make my mind go quiet, I can't picture myself in a field of wildflowers with a gentle breeze and feel like I'm actually there. I can picture it just fine, but I'm very well aware that I'm sitting on a sofa or whatever and just picturing it in my head, I can't actually feel like I'm there.
The point isn't that the parents are teaching them; it's that the child is teaching themselves because they need to step up into the "parent" role, or learn to be self-sufficient with a parent who isn't covering basic needs.
My dad taught me how to clean up vomit and cover him with a blanket when he passed out in the middle of the floor drunk, what a great dad to that 8yo kid!
I was quite a "serious" kid who "seemed very mature". My mom said I had an "old soul".
Turns out I'm on the autism spectrum and didn't know how to display emotion 'correctly' so I learned really quick at a young age it was just easier to not emote. Plus my parents didn't treat me like a little kid all the time. They spoke to me in normal language like an adult. My childhood was perfectly fine and happy.
I'm also autistic, flew under the radar as a kid, despite being taken to plenty of therapists. I was bullied by kids at school, but my parents were safe and supportive.
It's been frustrating trying to convince mental health professionals that no, abuse/neglect from my parents is not the source of my dysfunction. Their main schema is "something must have happened to you," meanwhile in actuality, my neurodivergence was literally inborn.
I once joined an anxiety support group. It was overall helpful, but I did have a session where I realized that I was the only one in the group who didn't have abusive/neglectful parents. My difficulties come from innate neurological problems, not trauma, but there are so many people with similar symptoms because of trauma.
That realization was actually very helpful in helping me put words to how I need to approach meditation as a treatment for anxiety. People who have anxiety due to trauma often struggle with getting caught in flashback loops, so grounding themselves in the moment helps with their anxiety. For me, my anxiety often stems from sensory overload, so detaching from the present moment helps my anxiety. I'm using meditation to take my mind in the opposite direction, which gets very confusing when I'm talking to someone who sees meditation as the same thing as "forcing your mind to be present" rather than "controlling how present your mind is."
It's about detachment from the present rather than the more popular method of anchoring yourself in the present. It's basically dissociation, but done in a more controlled manner so instead of losing yourself, you get the space you need to process things, reboot your mind, and prepare to actually approach the present.
Yeah, situations like this is why a person shouldn’t always take it as a sign of abuse or neglect. There’s a spectrum of reasons for kids to seemingly be more mature or independent.
But also it's important for kids to be kids. So if a kid is acting more mature, don't roll with it and say "since you're a little adult, I'll treat you like one and not nurture your need to be a child whatsoever"
A lot of kids like that still end up getting neglected as a feedback loop in the long term.
Yeah this is real, was largely left to fend for myself as a neglected only child often and as long as I can remember people called me mature. too many people though write off kids who show maturity like this early as either ‘advanced’ or ahead of their peers, truth was I was being bullied at school and at home and had to learn how to look at the world for what it really was a lot earlier than those around me
Interesting. I get that though. I was told I was an old man in a kids body. Single parent with 2 kids. You learn to take care of yourself.
I did though have friends who treated their 6 year old like she was one of the girls hanging out. This kid was insufferable. She would tell it like it is, which was her just being rude 99% of the time. Then talk as though she knew anything about what we were talking about. I realized she was just regurgitating drag race memes.
Yeah there’s all sorts of situations where I wouldn’t be too quick to call it intentional abuse or neglect. Sometimes you’re doing the best you can as a single parent or parents, and things just sort of slip through the crack.
The neglect doesn’t have to be intentional to be impactful and context is always important.
Precisely this. Healthy kids are usually bubbling with thoughts and ideas that often lead to annoyances. In some cases they might have been raised to understand what annoys people and are good at not acting upon their excited impulses but in other cases it's like the quiet person in hard circumstances who has been mentally broken or a captive person who's exhausted of being upset with something they don't foresee ever changing.
Take pride in knowing your child isn’t afraid to ask you for help. It’s not inherently bad to instill some independence and or the confidence to attempt things without help. Not implying anything about you as a parent, I obviously know nothing about you aside from what you’ve said in this comment.
Of course! She works stuff out on her own when it’s something she wants to learn (somehow she’s figured out how to edit videos in CapCut and design art in Procreate with absolutely no input from me). She asks me when it’s something boring she doesn’t want to do, like getting her something from another room or finding that one shirt in the laundry.
I used to be afraid to ask for help for various childhood trauma reasons, so it’s nice to see her break the cycle but…oy.
Oh, THAT kind of needing you for everything. Understood lol.
Sorry you went through that, I always had to be able to read what emotional state my father was in, but in general I just tried to never need him for anything.
When I was in my teaching internship I was stuck with an absolute psycho of a woman who.saw abuse everywhere (except where she didn't want to look)
One of the kids in Canadian sixth grade was always on time, always had her homework done, was really independant... and this psycho woman saw this and determined there was abuse going on at home. It made for a very awkward experience because I saw it make shit up in front of the director.
Yeah people can be quick to assume the worst for a variety of reasons, people on the internet especially are quick to think they know everything about a persons life from one clip or post on the internet.
Maturity is about a child's capacity to regulate themselves, understand consequences, make appropriate judgments, and handle emotions and situations in an age-appropriate way.
Independence is about how much a child can function or make decisions without assistance from an adult.
They overlap, but aren't the same thing, especially again when discussing within certain contexts. Outside of child psychology and other similar fields people can and do (including myself) use the words more interchangeably.
For example, a child can know how to do X,Y, and Z chores and things for themselves, but throw a tantrum at the slightest bump in the road. The child displays the capacity for independence but not the emotional maturity to handle conflict or failure. A child can express their emotions and show good judgement but still need a parent to do everything for them.
The problem CAN arise when these qualities are forced onto a child for a variety of reasons.
I wanted to be in service to people but found myself unable to do so when I had 30 cases instead of the promised 3-5 at a time and the type of help the state mandates very often wasn’t the type of help a person needs. It became increasingly harder as I became aware a lot of peoples problems where from suffering from capitalism, but I couldn’t say that to them I just had to follow the chart and say the words.
It was soul crushing and I wasn’t being in service to people in a meaningful way except for maybe 1 out of a 1000 cases. The majority just fell through the cracks and not for lack of care or trying.
True, as a child (and even now) I was so proud that I had to do everything without ever asking anyone; if I made a mistake I tried to clean up the mess without ever asking for help. Luckily, as I grew up, I got into the habit of asking others for help. You learn from your mistakes.
Sometimes referred to as parentification. Where children are given, not normally by choice, responsibilities way over their emotional or sometimes physical abilities.
Essentially, when kids end up caring for adults because the adult has some type of physical or mental health difficulties..Happens a lot with kids whose parents are abusing substances too.
Its also an indicator that by assuming the child is emotionally mature she will over look or potentialy abuse or neglect the childs needs.
No child is emotionally mature at 9 years old. They can be organised, responsible (to a degree) and appear older than their chronological age, but they arent emotionally mature.
In the series "Sharp Objects", there's a kid they interview who is like 10 years old but a fully formed and bitter adult, all the way down to the pistol he keeps close at hand. Reminded me so much of the kids I grew up with. It was not a good neighborhood
My dad had been prepping (Grooming?) me for years to answer very specific types of questions. I didn't know it then, but when I got older I realized they were for if/when CPS was ever called and it happened a few times.
The first time I remember the social workers being put off by how well prepared I was and had an answer for everything. The only thing they actually said to my dad was that they didn't like how I had access to stuff to start a fire as an 8yr old child.
One of the questions was what would I do if the power went out and no one was home and I responded with something about knowing where the flashlights were and we had battery powered lanterns. They followed up with what I would do it the batteries were dead and it was then that I said that I would light a candle or a lantern with matches or a lighter. Which honestly feels like a set up haha.
It's funny, now as an adult that's had a lot of time to heal I can recognize the value of the skills I was taught or learned on my own in order to survive while also acknowledging I shouldn't have had to.
I’m a pediatric behavioral therapist and I cannot tell you enough how perfect your comment is. Emphasis on how it’s not always the case but can be a strong indicator.
I had some neglect going on as a kid, but also was undiagnosed adhd-autistic until my late 20s-early 30s. Was bound to mature fast and abruptly stop in my teens. I still feel like a 17 year old in a world full of adults. I can be an adult when necessary (like for my kid) but otherwise I feel so out of place.
Yeah I was very mature for my young age and indeed it was due to lack of cares and interactions with other kids my age.
It led to many psychological suffering as I was growing up
You mean me getting myself up, making my own breakfast, getting my siblings up and feeding them and then getting us all ready for school and feeling like it was something I had to do at age 7 otherwise I'd get beaten for it, was a flashing neon sign of abuse and neglect?
I was mature as a young child and I'm not exactly mentally healthy nowadays but I'm pretty sure I wasn't neglected or abused. As far as I'm aware, at least.
I can’t tell you if you were or weren’t, idk your life or lived experiences.
People are mature younger for all sorts of reasons. Some people have more responsibilities as a kid and that doesn’t necessarily mean abuse or neglect.
Sometimes, even the most well intentioned parents accidentally neglect or abuse their kids.
A really good example I like to use is actually from my partners experience. Her mom always introduced her sister as “the smart one” and her as “the quiet one”
Now her mom loves her and absolutely did not mean to harm her by doing this but she inadvertently gave her confidence issues.
When I pointed this out to her (very gently) it was like a dam breaking loose and it was emotional and she began to heal from something she wasn’t aware was holding her back.
Abuse and neglect is rarely ever cut and dry. It’s often a confusion and complex entanglement of life, reality, reactions, and more.
Can confirm. I was essentially raised by my older brother who was only 4 years older than me. Both of us moved out of the house prior to being 18 and we were abused and neglected
as a kid who was always thinking of my parents economic condition since i was four and even trying to never make a problem to them and become so childlish when i was an adult now,yes
As a neglected kid who had to learn to navigate public buses solo at 13 & avoided telling ALL my friends & after school coaches/mentors why they never saw my parents at games/practices/competitions/performances..... yeah
Strong agree but just to add, speaking from personal experience it wasn't neglect or abuse for me, but just childhood trauma. Caught my mum having an affair at 9years old without her knowing I caught her held that information for 6 months before one night, Mum left in the middle of the night with a note on my bedside table. Naturally self blaming for the divorce occurred...etc.
Divorce was amicable, But witnessing what I witnessed when asked who I wanted to live with I chose Dad. While being too young to fully understand what i'd seen at the time, I knew it wasn't right so picked the parent i thought was "wronged". Seeing the devastation on my Dad both emotionally and financially matured me very quickly. Before my 10th birthday I was abundantly aware of the cost of things, my dad's sensitive nature, how much even his little gestures of gifts and things meant because I knew it was all he could afford...etc. very quickly grew an appreciation for kindness in gestures rather than the monetary value of them and so on. To a point where I would get angry if someone broke a pencil at school that he had bought me, the pencil was more than just a pencil, it was something my hard working dad got me.
I still had and have a great relationship with Mum, apart from in that moment she always put me first, but the damage of what i'd seen grew me up real quick.
30yo now and its hard to say for certain but I definitely feel like part of childhood got lost.
But yes, as you rightly say, not always neglect or abuse, just thought i'd add "Trauma" into the mix. If the above counts as Trauma, maybe by some definition mum having an affair with me in bed is technically a form of neglect?
I'm a social services worker and one my most disturbing interactions was a conversation with a four year old. She tracked everything I was saying and started asking follow up questions an adult would. Then started trying to make plans for her and her mom. She was already starting to parent the parent.
It's just when kids have to do a bunch of stuff for themselves. It's the default in more traditional societies to give kids loads of household responsibilities, but it's very rare in the modern west.
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u/TokenTorkoal 4d ago
Maturity or independence in a young child CAN BE an indicator that a child is being neglected or facing some sort of abuse.
It’s is not ALWAYS an indicator, some kids ARE just more independent.
Edit: was a social worker for many years.