(I am a non-native English speaker, and since this was written using Google Translate, the sentences may be somewhat awkward. Please bear with me.)
(These image are my dreawings)
I am someone who draws cartoons. I am 20 years old and currently attending art college.
I tend to stay cooped up at home alone all weekend. Specifically, in my room, in bed. However, I found that doing so for a long time takes a toll on my mind and body. Sometimes, I do want to meet anyone and just be with them. But I never bring up the idea of making plans first.
My hobbies include drawing, listening to music, watching movies or animations, watching YouTube, and exploring the internet. Most of these activities are convenient because I can do them from my bed or desk.
If there is one activity I would most like to do with friends, it is sitting around a desk and drawing. Opportunities to unleash our creative desires while laughing and chatting over each other's creations are not as common as one might think. It is especially enjoyable to share creations with like-minded friends. Speaking of more mainstream activities, I also like board games. Board games have a classic kind of fun. There is also the enjoyment of playing games with various rules. As an aside, I also enjoy making board games by hand. Did you know you can play horse racing and mahjong with playing cards?
I've been doodling since I was little. I used to doodle in my textbooks and show them to the friends next to me. Perhaps that's why I'm actually pretty good at drawing. However, that doesn't mean I'm good with my hands. I'm terrible at crafts. I've never tried sewing or anything like that. I did like assembling Lego when I was young, but I only ever followed the instructions; I never built a unique house of my own. I suppose it's because I lack the skills.
Honestly, I'm not that interested in sports. I played a little table tennis and badminton at one point, but my interest has completely faded now.
I am far from being a leader. I was the president of a comic creation club in high school, but well... maybe because there were so many unique members, the situation I wanted didn't really work out. However, I do know what kind of leadership style I prefer. I don't want the people who follow me to feel pressured. I want to accept everyone's opinions in the most comfortable atmosphere possible. I want no one to feel left out and to feel free to suggest ideas they want. I am simply providing the direction and the space for that.
I am confident in my ability to create entertaining comics. I draw absurd fantasy gags. You could say they have a certain slapstick charm. I also enjoy touching on specific emotional nuances. For instance, the feeling of driving along a vast beach at sunset, the feeling of being cooped up in a room for a week, or the sensation of standing alone in a blizzard holding a pistol.
Speaking of my musical tastes, I listen to a lot of jazz-influenced band music filled with drum and guitar sounds. I listen to a lot of J-pop, and my favorite artists are Zutomayo and Lamp. In the Funk genre, I like the playing of Cory Wong. In the Pop genre, I like the music of Magdalena Bay. When I listen to music, I prioritize the enjoyment of the sounds I hear above all else. Lyrics come second. Perhaps that is why I like it more when instruments are used in a diverse and rich manner. I also love the sound of drums. The raw rhythmic sense created by the drums brings a kind of life to the music. I really love that enveloping sensation.
My way of accepting the past is simple. I do not regret the turning points in my life. Even if looking back, I believe a better path existed, I think I made the optimal choice at that moment. It feels like I respect my past self. However, that doesn't mean I don't think about the past at all. On the contrary, some rather odd moments from the past remain in my long-term memory. For example, memories of being coldly ignored after asking a friend for their test scores, ruining the mood at karaoke by choosing the wrong song, or having a song I recommended quietly skipped over. There are countless other moments, but they don't come to mind right now when I try to recall them. Usually, these things pop up out of nowhere when I'm lying down trying to sleep.
Because I have a hard time saying no, I help out if someone asks for it. I have never regretted helping anyone. Also, when someone asks me for help, it means they trust me. That makes me even more reluctant to refuse.
My control over other people is practically zero. Unless someone provokes me, that is. If someone is being too rude, if they are a close friend, I tell them politely but directly, "Don't do that." If they are not close, I quietly keep my distance... But can this really be called control?
My learning style is "making it something uniquely mine." When I read material, I rewrite it in my own words in a notebook. There is always a nuance that only I can understand. It is incredibly helpful to capture that in my own materials. The same goes for drawings. If I just blindly create them, I understand them well. From that perspective, rote memorization feels quite difficult to me. Even when memorizing English vocabulary, I find that I don't stick unless I specifically recall the nuances of each word. I also really struggle with memorizing historical names of people and places.
The most important value to me is authenticity. A life that isn't true to myself isn't my life. I don't want to let others take my life away from me. That is why I dislike being artificial. If someone were to write a book based on my observations, I would want my true self to be captured exactly as it is, even in that book.
I am most afraid of being defined negatively by others. I am often misunderstood. People who aren't close to me think I am cold, serious, and rigid. I have a strong desire to clear up that misunderstanding. It is a desire for them to realize that I am more sensitive and fun-loving than I appear. In short, I want them to see my true self. However, that desire is actually an obsession, and that obsession only makes the situation worse. I get nervous for no reason, causing me to stammer or speak softly. In most cases, the pressure from this obsession prevents me from even approaching others first. Sometimes, I push through my nervousness to show them something, only to create situations I end up regretting. Consequently, people end up defining me with an image I don't want to project—calling me someone who is difficult to communicate with, stuffy, and unable to adapt. To clear up that misunderstanding, I become consumed by my obsession once again. It is a vicious cycle! This repetition has reached a point where it has caused me to close the door to my heart. So, what was the spark that started this vicious cycle? A shocking event from the past was that spark. I was bullied in a group of four when I was young. Even though that was my first and last experience with bullying, the impact still remains. Since then, I have been conscious of every moment to avoid appearing "unlikable." The thought that someone might look down on me and despise me, just like before, became deeply ingrained in me. So, while a compulsion to show who I am wells up, a fear of failure and rejection also blossoms. If I fail, that person will forever remember me as someone other than myself, and I am afraid of that.
Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
>>> I will complain about why I aren't even given a cell phone. Then I will think about life without a phone, about a digital detox. I have indeed been living a life where my brain was melting. As I imagine the toxins in my body being detoxified, I think of milk from Minecraft. I ruminate on memories related to Minecraft. My friend used to like Survival Mode. (He was a challenging friend.) It reminds me of Baldur's Gate 3, which I played with him. Come to think of it, I still don't know the ending of that game.
Thoughts flow in this way, one after another. When I suddenly come to my senses, I sometimes retrace my steps to figure out why I arrived at this particular thought. It usually falls into one of three categories: philosophical external analysis, self-reflection, or reminiscing about the past.
Emotions have a significant presence in my life. When I get angry, I can't concentrate on my work, and when I'm sad, I can't hold back my tears. Sometimes, emotions seem more important than everything else surrounding me. But in reality, that isn't the case. I have rarely messed up my work because of my emotions. I try to remain objective in my own way.
I tend to follow the rules well. If I find a rule unfair, I gauge the situation carefully and make a suggestion to a public forum like a petition box. I believe that everyone's opinions should be respected. But if I get rejected anyway, well, it can't be helped.
As for the ideal life I envision... It is a life where my comic becomes a hit and I make a fortune, and my worldview becomes so famous that it will be remembered forever, even after I die. It is a life without contradictions at the beginning and the end.