From the YouTube Description: Ramit unpacks how resentment, unequal workloads, and conflicting ideas about money can push a marriage to breaking point, even when the numbers suggest a couple should be doing well.

Ramit Sethi of I Will Teach You To Be Rich speaks with Lauren and Robert, a married couple who have spent years building resentment around work, spending, and who carries the financial load. Lauren works three jobs, often 55–60 hours a week, while managing most of their finances. Robert, a retired Navy veteran who once believed retirement meant he wouldn’t need to work again, has recently returned to work.

On paper, they’re doing better than they think, but they have just $24,000 in savings, around $70,000 in debt, fixed costs at 81%, and almost nothing currently being directed toward savings or investments. Along the way, a $700,000 inheritance, a $40,000 pool scam, a $3,200 bounce house, and a $150,000 pool became major sources of conflict.

Lauren believes Robert needs to earn more. Robert feels like his opinion often doesn’t matter because Lauren earns more. But Ramit quickly discovers that more income isn’t going to solve what’s happening between them. Their resentment has reached the point where they’ve talked about divorce. To move forward, they’ll need to stop keeping score, create a shared vision for their money, and learn how to operate as a team.

We have a very close relationship with them and I also know how much are theirs as well. But we won’t be updating from time to time😅 It’s just like a joke for us to have a conversation and uplift each other. I love them so much

This month, will you be saving, spending, or splurging?

Share your progress on all your goals, financial and non-financial! 🦋🌱🌼

My husband is an older student and finally found an entry level job closely related to his field of study. We want to start saving more aggressively with our future combined income now but not sure how to divvy up the savings or to hyperfocus on student loans, 401k, or potential downpayment. Here's our current data:

* Area: HCOL

* Age: Early 30s for both of us

* Income: $165k pre-tax (combined)

* Retirement balance: mine is $80k, his is $35k

* Cash on hand?: Enough to cover 9 months of expenses

* Student loans: $40k (ranges from 3-5% interest, all federal)

Our housing goal would be a small condo/townhouse since SFH are $800k+ here. We can't easily move right now since my husband needs to have a decent work history before job hopping. We also have a lot of family and friends here so we'd like to stay in the area.

I lean more towards buffing up his retirement savings through work 401k (no matching sadly) since his student loans are low interest. But my husband wants the opposite. And then there's also the consideration of getting a downpayment ready before housing prices get even worse?

I've seen the personal finance flowchart but would like more opinions based on our actual numbers and our age. Thanks!

Long story short, my husband is completely OK with living in poverty. I bring in an income and cover most of the bills as well as almost all of the kids wants and needs. Because his income only covers the house payment, and some groceries.

He is completely OK with having nothing and living in poverty. It seems like it’s getting worse. He wants to take a new job to pay significantly less, but gets him home a lot more. We hate each other, but I am currently financially stuck. I have no family, no friends, and there is no way I could support a family on one income.

I tell him that there’s no way he could take this job because we are already in financial trouble, doing this we will be worse off. He says I’m OK with sitting home and we have plenty of money. I said we can’t even afford to get groceries on your income. We don’t have a car payment, we are one car family. We don’t go out to eat, we don’t have any extras. We live stupid poor because of him. He is the most selfish self-centered son of a bitch that I have ever met. He doesn’t care that we all have absolutely nothing. he says he makes enough and that’s all that matters. I said if it wasn’t for my income, we would be in severe trouble and he hangs up the phone on me. He is very abusive. He knows, and he doesn’t care. I’m not stuck forever, I just need my kids to get a little bit older.

I just can’t understand how a man that’s supposed to be a provider is completely OK with living in poverty and saying that’s enough money. I say yeah it’s enough money for one person but not a whole family. He says it’s plenty of money. Calls me all the names in the book and hangs up on me. He is extremely hardheaded and the meanest person ever meet.

*** financially stuck, he is a narcissist, he is never wrong. His mom helps with food. He has no shame. After my work, I babysit and do side gigs for extra money and he says we don’t need it. I say I can’t live in poverty! He acts like his $4800 a month is wealthy!!! He didn’t used to be this way!

I’m 26F, married, work full-time in wealth management/finance, and somehow my personal financial life has always been an absolute disaster. I’m posting because I genuinely need outside perspectives on what I’m supposed to do differently at this point.

My husband and I purchased a mobile home in 2023 thinking we were making a good decision. Between him the mortgage and lot rent, (yeah, LOT RENT to the trailer park for the spot my MORTGAGED HOME SITS) our housing costs are around $1,200/month before utilities and everything else. I have consistently been the more financially stable person in our relationship and have been the breadwinner the entire time.

The frustrating part is that I KNOW how money works. I work with money professionally. I understand budgeting, cash flow, debt, late fees, etc. This isn’t a situation where I don’t understand that bills need to be paid. We simply never seem to have enough cash at the right time, and once something falls behind, catching everything back up while paying current expenses feels impossible.

Our electricity is literally shut off again as I write this.

We had a roommate living with us who was supposed to be paying $850/month. Obviously, that money became part of our household cash flow. The roommate situation eventually became its own nightmare involving money, terrible communication, delayed responses, and me having to repeatedly chase down what was owed and ask what was happening. Eventually I ended the arrangement, and she still has belongings left at our house. She did not pay a single dime in over 8 months. But also was never home either. It was a weird situation.

Losing that $850/month obviously didn’t magically make our existing expenses disappear.

Meanwhile, my husband and I have had ongoing arguments about money. One of the biggest issues for me is his spending. I feel like I’m constantly trying to figure out how we’re going to cover necessities while money still gets spent on things that aren’t necessities. Then when we’re broke or something is overdue, somehow the conversation circles back around to what \*I’ve\* spent or what \*I’ve\* done wrong.

That’s the part that is starting to make me feel insane.

I’m not claiming I’m financially perfect. I’m absolutely not. I’ve made mistakes, spent money when I probably shouldn’t have, and we’ve both contributed to getting ourselves into this position. I like to joke that I was a professional idiot, like I was putting in the HOURS lol up until I was nearly 24. But I feel like I’m carrying the mental burden of figuring out which bill gets paid, what can wait, how to catch something up, where money is going to come from, etc., while also being blamed for the fact that we’re struggling.

We’ve had utilities, the car, mortgage/housing expenses, etc. overdue at different points. It constantly feels like putting out whichever fire is currently closest to burning the house down.

I’m also in a very low-contact relationship with all of my family. By my choice, I’m adopted, it was basically doomed from the start lol.

But the irony isn’t lost on me that I WORK IN FINANCE. It drives me INSANE.

I spend my workday in an environment where people discuss investments, retirement accounts, portfolios, and wealth, and then I can go home and wonder whether we’re going to have electricity. It’s embarrassing. It makes me feel like I should somehow be uniquely capable of fixing this because of what I do for a living, even though knowing financial concepts doesn’t just create additional income or a working budget.

I’m also trying to advance professionally and get further licensed, because increasing my income is obviously one of the ways out of this. But it’s incredibly difficult to focus on building a better future when my present-day is constantly choosing between two decisions that are both bad, but one is \\\*less\\\* bad..

I don’t even know whether I’m looking for financial advice, relationship advice, or just perspective from people who have dug themselves out of a similar spot.

And for people who have been married while going through something like this: how do you fix it when one person feels like they’re carrying the financial anxiety and responsibility, but both people feel blamed by the other?

I’m tired of being behind. I’m tired of being scared of the next bill. I’m tired of having the same arguments about spending. And I’m especially tired of feeling ridiculous because, on paper, I’m the person who should know how to fix this.

Right now I mostly want to figure out how to stop living one overdue bill away from the next crisis. My husband has his own ideas to fix this, but I don’t agree with his plan, and he isn’t willing to compromise with me on anything either really. In his eyes it’s my fault that I don’t log online and pay the bills, even if there isn’t any money to do so.

I’m just really sad, really scared, and really alone.

Edit: this may be weird, but I have nobody. If anyone wants to dm me and just talk and be friends, that would do so much for me right now. I won’t even trauma dump. I’m actually extremely funny (throws up for calling myself funny) but I’ve clearly been through enough things that it is true. So does anyone want to be friends :)

(really basic) profile : mid-20s, works in government in Indonesia, no dependents. monthly spending comes to ~80% of my salary (still working on tracking my spending!). i do plan on staying in government until retirement age, or until the country crashes and burns.

as part of the civil servant position i have, i will receive a pension after my retirement (about 30 years from now). i also want to start saving for it but it feels.... too far out? inconsequential in comparison to my 5-10 year goals? i understand the calculations, i understand that this is the best time to start even with the measly income i have, but it really haven't clicked in me.

my goals in 5-10 years are to try for a master's and move to an apartment (ideally a landed house but it is impossible here) and do at least one international travel. i don't know if i want to have a family by then, either.

do i just suck it up and save anyway? start small or be as aggressive as i'm comfortable with?

thank you!

Hey everyone,

Did something good happen to you this week? Share below!

I got my annual bonus this week and it ended up being quite a bit more than I expected. My first instinct was to move basically all of it into savings/investments and pretend I never received it.

But then I started thinking about a few things I've been putting off because they felt unnecessary. A trip I've wanted to take for a while, replacing some furniture, and just generally allowing myself to enjoy a little of the money I've worked for. I have some money saved from sidepot us, no major debt, and I'm contributing to retirement so it's not like this bonus needs to rescue my finances. Still, spending any significant part of it makes me feel like I'm wasting an opportunity to get further ahead. I'm thinking maybe invest 70–80% and use the rest guilt-free, but even that feels weirdly difficult.

How do you handle unexpected bonuses or windfalls?
Do you have a percentage you automatically let yourself spend?

Hiiii, my boyfriend 28M and I 26F have been dating for 7 years, living together for 6. He and I have a beautiful relationship. Not very many fights, very low drama. When we’re together we can just be silly, talk about anything, and be ourselves. I struggle to even imagine my world without him in it. I love this man sooooo much you guys. He’s literally my best friend. But I am in so much pain right now writing this. The main issue in our relationship, and it is a big one, money….of course…ugh. I am someone who is financially stable. I am not wealthy by any means but I am simply stable. I can pay my bills and have spending money. The thing is my boyfriend is not financially stable. He goes to work consistently. Like he works his 40 hours a week. But he is a car salesman and that job is just not enough to support himself. When he can’t pay a bill his mom or I will. I know he has a work ethic. He’s motivated and works hard but spins his wheels. He just can’t catch a break. I am at a crossroads right now because we have been together for 7 years and he doesn’t have a penny saved up for a ring, a wedding, a house, a family, traveling, retirement. Nothing for the future because he has been in survival mode this whole time. I don’t have a savings either because I have been paying the utility bills, random bills he can’t cover, and sometimes our groceries. I will say something positive is we do not have student loan debt or any large amounts of debt that needs to be addressed. It’s just that monthly income that leaves me covering for him every month. We are in love and he has told me numerous times he wants to marry me. Every time we talk about it the theme of the conversation is: “once I have the money to buy you a ring, I’ll propose” And I believe him. When I look at our relationship from a birds eye view it’s like of course I want to marry him. But when I zoom in on the money situation I start questioning things. I have invested so much time and money into being with him. Like I want to marry this man so bad. But part of me feels dumb for wanting to marry someone that can’t even afford a ring after 7 years of a serious relationship. Last summer I was bummed we weren’t in the position to get engaged. This year I am devastated. I don’t think I can go another year waiting around for a ring. Have you ever been in a situation where money is holding your relationship back?

Welcome to the "Salary Saturday" thread!

If you’re seeking advice from the sub regarding your specific situation, it belongs here. Great topics include:

• Negotiation/pay/benefits
• Job offers
• Interviewing
• Anything else related to careers, work, salaries, etc.

Bring us your burning questions!

Hey MD!

I am in an interesting situation. Would love to hear your take.

I've been in my current role for 6 months. I love the work itself, love the vision of the company, and my manager is the bee's knees.

However, I was recently approached by a recruiter and took the phone screening (my mom said to always keep interviewing! Haha). After interviewing with them, they've offered me the job.

Part of me feels really excited about possibly working for this new company. I've solved problems like theirs in previous roles, so I'd be comfortable running with it. It'd be leveraging the same skillset as my current job, except my total comp would be about 50% more. And it's a bump up in title (still in an IC role).

All of the other variables are pretty much the same (commute time, industry, required soft/hard skills, etc).

Part of me wants to go to my current manager and ask if they can match. I already asked what moving up on the team looked like previously (a couple months ago) and their response wasn't dismissive, but it seemed like they didn't have approval at the time for the extra budget.

Part of me is hesitant to leave since I've been in my current job for less than a year. (I was in my last one for about three years). But part of me would feel dumb to stay at a place I'm paid way less, have a lower title, and where I'm literally doing the same work.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Super open to thoughts or different suggestions on how to approach this. Or to questions I haven't considered.

How are you spending, scrimping, splurging, or saving?

What are you doing with your hard-earned £$€ this week?

The time has come and we're calculating our retirement figures.

Here's my basic equation.....

**Housing (property taxes, maintenance) + transportation + healthcare + food + everyday living × # of expected retired years.**

How's our equation look? Are we missing anything major? I know we'll need to account for inflation.

We're anticipating 20-25 years of life post retirement. This is a very high estimate. I think 15-20 years is likely more accurate.

My spouse and I have a few recurring donations (on the order of $100-500 total per cause annually) and I usually donate $1000 to the annual fundraiser at my kids’ school.

I’m considering making a larger donation to the school this year or next year. It’s a public K-8 school with a special focus and my younger child is currently in 7th grade. Next year will be our last year with the school. Both my kids started there in kindergarten and it’s been a really special place.

I’m thinking of donating $10K. To put it in perspective, this is about 1 month take home pay for our family (after retirement, insurance etc). I think their annual fundraising efforts usually net around 150K. So it’s likely to be a meaningful but not huge amount for them and is basically the same for us. We can manage this donation from savings without making sacrifices or neglecting other important priorities.

But I would like the impact to be as helpful as possible. What should I be thinking about in terms of the gift? For example, the school has a fundraising “gala” [it’s just a party] every year with a silent auction and all that. Sometimes they announce that there are matching funds up to X amount, NPR-style. Is that effective? Should I consider doing that? I would donate the same amount regardless. Anyone with fundraising experience who can speak to best donation practices?

Second, should I delay the gift till next year? (Our last at the school). We will have some additional school related expenses next year (8th grade trip, approx $4K) but they’re not mutually exclusive. I’m not planning on doing this twice so I’d probably go back to my usual $1000. The rationale for doing it this year would be so that my kid gets some of the benefits. 😝

Anything I’m not thinking of? There’s no compelling tax argument for either year. We usually take the standard deduction.

I'm currently at a job I absolutely hate (to the point that it's made me suicidal again), and I've been trying to get a new one since I started two years ago. It's hard enough even getting an interview, but whenever I do get one, I bomb it. I've never been good at interviewing, and while I know I did well enough to get the job I have now, I'm pretty sure I only got it because no one else wants it.

I feel like I've tried everything, and none of it works. I always prepare answers to potential questions beforehand and practice them, yet when I'm actually in the interview, I can't think of anything to say and end up sounding like an idiot. I've tried keeping the document with my list of answers open when I interview over Zoom, but I can't take the time to look for the correct answer and read directly from the page. I have to remember at least some of it. Also, I can't prepare for every question because I don't know what I'll be asked beforehand, so when I'm asked something I didn't prepare for, I have nothing to say. I've tried practicing with other people, but the same problem comes up there. A couple times, I just started crying. My doctor prescribed a beta-blocker, but all that did was stop me from sweating profusely. Then she prescribed an actual anti-anxiety med, but that didn't work, either.

Even worse, I can't find any helpful advice online. Everyone just says to practice, relax, and be positive. A few people say to try medication. The worst piece of advice I always see is to treat it like a normal conversation. Having a normal conversation is already extremely stressful, and that's when my ability to eat and pay rent doesn't rest in the other person's hands.

I'm sorry for rambling. I just want to know why I can't seem to interview at all. I know part of it is because of my anxiety, but I'm not the only person with anxiety. It's not something I can change, either. Does anyone in my situation (or who was in my situation) know what I could do? It honestly feels like I'm stuck at my current job forever.

Am I the only one who finds hanging out with friends who earn way more than you genuinely exhausting?

Bit of a weird one but its been on my mind. I've got a group of mates from uni, love them to bits, been close for nearly a decade now. But over the last few years the pay gap between us has gotten wild. Two of them are in finance, one's a lawyer, and I work in the charity sector because thats what I actually wanted to do. I knew what I was signing up for salary wise.

The thing is, I didnt realise how much it would slowly start to eat at me. It's not even that they're flashy or rude about it. They're lovely. But every plan is just a bit above where I'd naturally go. Sunday roast at some gastropub in Marylebone, birthday dinner somewhere in Soho with a set menu that's the price of my weekly food shop, weekend trips to Lisbon or wherever with flights booked last minute without a second thought. I keep saying yes because I love them and I don't want to be the person who bails on everything, but I end up eating beans on toast for the rest of the month and quietly resenting it.

I've tried suggesting cheaper stuff. Sometimes it works, we had a really fun afternoon at Trejo's Tacos a few weeks back and nobody kicked up a fuss. But more often the "cheap" suggestion gets politely folded into something bigger ("yeah lets do that AND then go to this cocktail place after") and suddenly im back to spending 80 quid on a casual Tuesday.

The bit i cant work out is whether this is my problem to solve or theirs. Like, am i being precious by not just saying "hey guys i cant afford this"? I've hinted at it and they always say oh we can cover you, which somehow feels worse. Or is there a version of this friendship that survives long term when the lifestyles keep drifting further apart?

Anyone else been through this in London specifically? Feels like the city makes it so much more obvious because everything is expensive and everyones default is spending. How did you handle it, or did the friendships just quietly fade?

SECTION 1: BIO

I’m 27F and work as a Senior Research Associate in the biotech industry. This trip was my second time visiting Japan and my partner’s first. We visited for 16 days in late May - early June. I wanted to combine the classic stops (Tokyo, Kyoto) with some new locations. Typically prefer fast-paced travel and prioritized time in nature, temples/shrines, food, and unique cultural experiences. 

SECTION 2: ASSETS AND DEBTS

Net worth at the time of the trip was ~$153k (401k $67k, Roth IRA $42k, HSA $8k, company stock $4k, savings $32k). No home equity but also no debt. Everything was paid for directly (no payment plans or credit card debt).

SECTION 3: INCOME

I was previously making $110k but received a raise to $120k a few months before the trip. Other sources of income include credit card rewards, gifts, and HYSA interest which total a few thousand. Take home pay after retirement, insurance, and taxes is $5060/month. Expenses in SF average $3300/month excluding travel costs.

SECTION 4: TRAVEL EXPENSES

I do not combine finances with my partner but we split costs at home and for this trip. I also convinced my partner to sign up for the Chase Sapphire card which gave us 100k points to use for lodging.

Costs are in USD for 1 person. We did not have a strict budget in mind, although my initial guess was $3k per person. Went a bit over this (total $6.8k for 2 people) but felt like the costs were worth it. Definitely possible to do this trip for much cheaper.

Transportation ($1620)

• Flights (SFO <> NRT): $1060, booked 7 months in advance through Zipair. Very basic airline so we purchased extra weight for carry ons, checked bag on the way back, and seat selection. Also needed to buy food and water for the flight.
• Public transit: $560, for airport trains, shinkansen, highway buses, local buses and trains, and one taxi ride. Booked the majority of longer train rides ahead of time and saved a small amount here.
• Accomodations ($265 + 110,000 total points)

Includes 3x 3-4 star hotels (using points), 1x temple stay, 1x private room in a hostel. We normally would stay in smaller / not as nice hotels but found good deals with points through the Chase portal. We booked around 6 months in advance and prioritized staying near a good train station.

Food & Drink ($775)

• Restaurants: $600, aimed for mid-range local restaurants with a couple of nicer dinners at each stop. Did not do any cooking.
• Konbinis: $100, for breakfasts and snacks.
• Drinks: $75

Entertainment ($180)

Includes baseball game, temple entrance fees, cemetery night tour, museums, bike rental, indigo dyeing workshop, chairlift, zoo, onsen, and cat cafe. Some of the transportation costs could probably count here instead like the buses for Shirakawa-go and Kamikochi.

Shopping ($495)

• Gifts: $75, mostly snacks and homemade goods.
• Souvenirs: $115, for graphic tees, magnet, ornament, goshuin, and wall art.
• Personal: $305, shoes, clothes, and kitchen goods. Had no idea how much I was going to splurge here but happy with my choices.

Other ($75)

Covered all other general purchases like travel insurance, coin lockers, eSim, Netflix subscription for plane entertainment, umbrella, and toiletries.

SECTION 5: TRAVEL DIARY

Going to break up by stop to keep it from getting too long. Happy to go into more detail about any of the stops.

Our itinerary covered:

• Tokyo (4 nights + stop in Kawaguchiko)
• Takayama (3 nights + stops in Shirakawa-go, Kamikochi)
• Kyoto (4 nights)
• Koyasan (1 night + stop in Osaka)
• Ito (3 nights)

Tokyo (4 nights)

• Accommodations: Hotel Gracery Shinjuku
• Notable food and drink: Hotou Fudo, Torigin Honten, Aging Beef Shinjuku, Hokkaido Milk Bar, Rainbow Pancakes
• Favorite activities: Biking Lake Kawaguchiko, Chuerito Pagoda, Tokyo Giants game, Meiji Jingu, Tokyo National Museum, Tokyo Night Market, Harajuku
• Travel notes:
  • We both wore compression socks on the flight but still had swollen feet for the first couple of days. Made walking/standing pretty painful. I would recommend making the first few days lighter on walking. The cooling foot pads from seven eleven and elevating feet on the walls helped. Also, having sandals in addition to sneakers was key. 
  • Shinjuku Station is huge and we needed an additional 15 minutes to find the right platform compared to the smaller local stations.
  • For Mt Fuji, we booked buses for the 3 days we were in Tokyo and then checked online sources to see which day looked the best as it got closer. Cancelled the other two days for a small fee. This strategy worked for us as we got a clear view of Fuji!
  • Unfortunately, we missed our bus back to Tokyo. Not exactly sure how as we got to the station 1 hr before departure. Did some light shopping and sat in the waiting area until 30 minutes before. Then we moved outside by the platform and tried to get on one of the Shinjuku bound buses but they said it was running late so this was the earlier one. We got shuffled around from line to line (with people checking our ticket to place us) but eventually someone told us that our bus left already. Pretty unfortunate and was a long story getting back by train.
  • Stumbled into 3 different markets over our 4 days in Tokyo. The Tokyo Night Market, a local ceramics market, and an antique market near Tokyo Station. Felt like there was always some local event going on here which was nice.
  • It was helpful to have almost a full last day in Tokyo to finish up our souvenir/present shopping without having to carry it for the rest of the trip. Some people recommend doing Tokyo last for this reason which could have worked well for us too. 

Takayama (3 nights)

• Accommodations: KOKO HOTEL Hida Takayama
• Notable food and drink: Hanamizuki Shirakawa, Takumiya Yasukawa, Aji-no-Yohei, Hidagyu Marukai, Funasaka Sake Brewery
• Favorite activities: Shirakawa-go, Kamikochi, Miyagawa morning market, Sanmachi historic district, Showa-Kan museum, Higashiyama walking course
• Travel notes:
  • The bus from Shirakawa-go to Takayama was non-reserved only. We got back to the bus station with 10 minutes to spare and there was already a long line. There was a second bus, not sure if we got lucky or if they always have more than one. Otherwise, would have waited an hour for the next one.
  • Bought round-trip Kamikochi buses the day of at Takayama station. Everything is well labeled for the transfers and the station staff members were helpful too. We got off at the Kamikochi bus depot and got back on at Taisho pond to save some walking.
  • Kamikochi was much cooler than Takayama, bring layers! It also rained briefly but it was still an enjoyable hike if you’re prepared.
  • The vibes (and food) here were my favorite of the trip. It had a smaller town feel while still being well-connected and I liked how walkable all the attractions were. Add in the natural beauty of the surrounding mountains and opportunities for day trips and it’s a well-balanced stop. Really enjoyed Takayama and highly recommend it for anyone looking to get off the Golden Route or for a second trip to Japan. 

Kyoto (4 nights)

• Accommodations: The Royal Park Hotel Kyoto Sanjo
• Notable food and drink: Niigata Katsudon Tarekatsu, Wagyu to Buta Sanjo Kawaramachi, Hikiniku to Come, Mensho Takamatsu
• Favorite activities: Kurama to Kibune hike, Fushimi Inari, Roketsu indigo dyeing workshop, Tenryu-ji, Otagi Nenbutsuji, Jojakko-ji, Yasaka pagoda, Kiyomizu-dera, Yasui Kompiragu
• Travel notes:
  • The typhoon really limited our stamina during this portion of the trip. It was really hot for a few days and then pouring rain for the last two. I bought an umbrella from a konbini but was wishing I had a bigger one with the wind. Umbrellas also make crowded tourist spots even harder to navigate. We ended up taking breaks by shopping or going back to the hotel midday. No impact on our transit plans luckily.
  • Everyone talks about the crowds in Kyoto and they felt more noticeable than the last time I was here in 2023. We had some early mornings and planned our most popular activities for the times with the worst weather. Not sure how much it helped. It was also good to get off the beaten track and do less popular options like Kurama to Kibune or the less popular temples in Arashiyama.
  • For Hikiniku to Come, I recommend making the online reservations that open a month in advance. We missed this window and the ones that open 1 week in advance were impossible to get. We ended up going the morning of for a ticket. They started taking names before the 9 am time listed on the website. I think we went around 8:15 and there was already a long line, we got one of the last time slots available.

Koyasan (1 night)

• Accommodations: Eko-in temple
• Notable food and drink: Shojin ryori meal at temple, Kotobuki Shokudo, Hirano Seishoan
• Favorite activities: Okunoin cemetery night tour, morning prayers and fire ritual, Ajikan meditation, Dotonbori, Namba Yasaka Jinja
• Travel notes:
  • The cemetery was really atmospheric at night, but I'd recommend going back in the day because you can see so much more. It's a nice walk through all the cedar trees and mossy graves. Very peaceful and serene, not too crowded in the morning before the buses come in.
  • The transit to Koyasan is a very long day, especially after our stay towards Ito. It involved a bus, cable car, train back to Osaka (with a transfer in the middle), shinkansen to Atami, then another train down to Ito. The legs near Koyasan come very infrequently and don't necessarily line up. I'd consider this a half - full day lost depending on where you're headed to.
  • The main area of Koyasan was pretty small and can be explored in a few hours. Not a lot of shops and restaurants were open in the morning. There were a bunch of temples to walk around with almost no one else around. We found one with a completely pitch-black tunnel underneath that mimics the cycle of rebirth, kind of spooky.
  • I wasn't the biggest fan of Osaka on my last trip, which is why we only spent a morning here. We had enough time to see Dotonbori and a couple of temples in the area and get some food. Felt like enough time for me although I'm sure others would disagree.

Ito (3 nights)

• Accommodations: K’s House Ito Onsen
• Notable food and drink: Inakaya Sanpei, HAMA Sushi, Ohmuro Luncheonette, Joynt Brewing Co
• Favorite activities: Mt Omuro, Kawazu Seven Waterfalls hike, Amagiso Onsen, Jogasaki Coast hike, Izu Shaboten Zoo
• Travel notes:
  • The transportation here was more difficult than any of the other stops. The buses come infrequently and occasionally have a 2-3 hour break in the middle of the day. Additionally, if you don't line up beforehand you risk not getting on the crowded buses. This happened to us outside of the zoo and we had to take a taxi instead. For taxis, we used the Go app which worked well. However, there weren't any available further south near Kawazu and the taxis available only took cash. The previous typhoon meant that part of the train tracks were washed out and there was a replacement bus instead. This ran infrequently and caused us to miss our later connection. The station staff were super helpful in making sure we knew where we were going and that we were tapping on/off correctly.
  • addition, we also had the hardest time finding places to eat here. We got turned away from 3 different restaurants for not having reservations. One of them was definitely just because we were tourists though, as we literally got laughed out of the room. For future nights, I checked for places with English menus available and we went on the earlier side to be safe.
  • general, the Izu peninsula was beautiful but probably would not go back. It was a lot harder logistically than the other places we visited. Might have been better as a day trip and skipping Kawazu.

SECTION SIX: CONCLUSIONS

Overall ranking and highlights:

Takayama > Tokyo > Kyoto > Koyasan > Ito > Osaka

Most memorable experiences (not in order):

• Baseball game at Tokyo Dome
• Koyasan Goma fire ritual
• Seeing snow monkeys in Kamikochi
• Waterfall onsen in Kawazu
• Indigo dyeing workshop
• Walking around Miyagawa morning market + Sanmachi
• Eating curry udon while looking out at Shirakawa-go
• Grilling our own Hida beef set
• Walking around the rim of Mt Omuro
• Exploring Gion in the early morning while it was pouring rain

Hi! Almost 2 years ago now, I made a post about the cost of prepping for a combination top surgery/hysterectomy. I FINALLY have a definitive answer and figured I’d come back and break it down so that it’s here if anybody is interested/is going through anything similar.

TL;DR: My surgery went great and I’m super happy with the results, but medical billing is the tenth circle of hell and we all just pretend it’s fine somehow when we should probably be doing things I won’t say on Reddit. After ~20 months, a million phone calls, multiple in person visits, and an honest to god snail mail letter, I officially have my final bill. The grand total I owe for the surgery itself is $3600, which is around what I was initially told.

TWs for some body grossness, discussion of OCD/anxiety/depression, and having a generally Bad Mental Health Time for a while (but with a happy ending! I promise!).

Pre-Op

At the time of my last post, I was waiting on the bill for my last pre-surgery appointment. It came in at $72.79, bringing the grand total of pre-op specific costs to $1165.95.

The main thing I remember from the morning of my surgery is that everyone on my care team was amazing. It was hard to comprehend that it was actually happening, and I kept waiting for someone to burst in and call the whole thing off. Everyone was super kind and reassuring to me and my family and explained everything that was going to happen multiple times. I had never had surgery before and distinctly remember thinking that getting wheeled into the operating room felt like being abducted by aliens.

Post Op

My partner and dad stayed at the hospital the entire time and said that they got multiple updates, which was really nice. I learned that anesthesia makes me nauseous, which was much less nice. By the time they got me situated in a chair at home, I’d thrown up four times. My dad ran to the pharmacy for us so that my partner could keep an eye on me. The combination of pain meds, anti-nausea, and laxatives cost $75.23.

I essentially slept through the first three days of recovery, so no further notes there. I started tapering off the oxycontin at that point so that I could move around a bit and eat some more without immediately falling asleep. By day 6 I was up (carefully and with supervision) planting garlic bulbs in one of our raised beds. My pain at that point was about a 3/10 which was way better than I expected.

Insurance paid in full for my one week check-in appointment where they took the bolsters off my nipples (terrifying) and told me I could start gradually lifting my arms above my head again. I was disgusting at this point and have never been so grateful to shower in my life. Bought a wedge pillow ($24.88) to help with the transition back to sleeping in the bed. Also bought scar cream ($21.43) and scar tape ($15.28), which were optional but recommended by my doctor.

As mentioned in my other post, I have OCD and was pretty worried about managing it through recovery. Taking care of my nipple grafts was definitely the hardest part. My doctor recommended applying vaseline twice a day to keep them moisturized and then covering them with bandaids to keep from gooping my shirts. On top of being a sensory nightmare, I was absolutely certain that I would somehow give myself an infection or tear one of my nipples off. Eventually we worked out a system where I would do it myself when I woke up without looking at my grafts and my partner would do it for me before bed so that they could actually check that everything looked fine and I could sleep instead of spiral about how I definitely had nipple-centric necrotic blood poisoning. This period was really hard and I don’t know what I would have done without their help. Two weeks, six boxes of bandaids ($13.14), and one little tub of vaseline ($5.79) later, everything was healed enough to leave alone.

Around this point (three weeks post-op) everything started to get much more manageable. My pain was still low, I was fully off of any medications, and everything was starting to turn into a scar instead of a literal open wound. My anxiety started to mellow out. I was still easily fatigued, so I initially debated taking another week or two off of my main job since I’d told my boss it could be up to 6 weeks.

Then I got an EOB from my insurance. They stated that they were denying all of the claims related to my surgery and I could owe up to $80,000. I promptly freaked the fuck out and went back to work. After calling them multiple times, I finally got someone to explain that this plan had added a blanket exclusion for gender affirming care. Because of a variety of factors (my dad’s employer saying nothing had changed, weird insurance language that made it sound like it was covered with a diagnosis of dysphoria which I had, the plan switching so close to my surgery, the fact that blanket exclusions like that are generally considered illegal, etc etc) I hadn’t caught it in the plan documents. Since no one mentioned any issues with prior auth and my surgery wasn’t cancelled, I figured the insurance and the hospital had worked it out. This was clearly not the case, but I had no idea how or why.

Post Post Op

I won’t lie, things got pretty dark here. Any euphoria I felt when I thought about my new chest curdled into shame, guilt, and fear. I felt stupid and irresponsible. At the worst points, I blamed myself for jeopardizing not only my future but the futures of my partner and my sibling. I oscillated between not being able to think about it at all and not being able to think about literally anything else. I took as many hours as I could get at my second job as soon as I was cleared to go back.

At around the three month mark, I received a bill for $3600. It included the surgeons’ fees and some post op labs. Looking through my EOB showed that these were all separate from the $80k in hospital fees. Calling the billing department confirmed this. I set up a $50/month payment plan, not wanting to use any of the money I’d earmarked for surgery in case the bigger bill followed.

Months passed and it just kept looming. I visited several separate departments at the hospital trying to figure out what was going on. An LGBTQ+ legal advocate took my case pro bono and tried to get my dad’s employer to remove the exclusion, but they refused. Since I didn’t have a final bill, we didn’t have any way to show that the denial was an undue financial burden. I live in a red state, so there wasn’t much more to do on that front. Eventually, someone at the billing office advised me to stop asking questions. I knew $80k wasn’t going to just disappear, but didn’t want to incur anything if by some miracle it had. I tried my best to drop it.

Top Surgery 2: Electric Boogaloo

After a few more months, I started to think maybe the billing department was right. I know medical bills can take forever, but it seemed weird that nobody could even tell me whether or not I owed anything.

The increasingly hostile political environment was only getting worse, so my partner and I decided to move forward with their surgery while we could. Their parent’s insurance is way better than mine, so we were both caught off guard when their procedure got cancelled shortly after scheduling. It ended up being a mix up between the hospital and the insurance regarding prior auth. After a few weeks of phone tag, they got rescheduled. The surgery went great, they were super happy with their results, and recovery was smooth. Their job is super physical, so it was a full 6 weeks off work, but we’d budgeted and saved for it so we made it work. They got two bills within the next couple months, one with surgeon’s fees and labs ($1200) and one with the hospital fees ($1000). They paid both in full from their personal savings and confirmed that everything was settled.

I was obviously super relieved that everything worked out, but it also raised a lot of questions about my billing. I called my insurance and asked why they had given prior authorization for my surgery if they weren’t going to cover it. They said they hadn’t, but I’d never received anything about it and the hospital never mentioned an issue. I messaged one department out of curiosity but didn’t get anything definitive back and, again, didn’t want to incur a charge that may or may not be coming, so I let it go.

Life went on. The potential bill was always in the back of my mind, but I figured there must have been a mistake somewhere in the communication between the hospital and my insurance and that they were either duking it out in the meantime or trying not to alert me to it via a bill.

The Bill

A few months ago, a full 1.5 years and some change after my surgery, I got an email with a bill for $40,000. I promptly locked myself in a call room at my main job and had a panic attack to end all panic attacks. Once I got myself together enough, I called the hospital to ask how that was even possible. If my insurance was really denying everything, surely I’d qualify for a self pay discount, right? I’d seen people pay anywhere from 4 to 12k that way which, while obviously not ideal, was not more than I take home in an entire year.

The billing office informed me that I had received a discount - their contract write offs with my insurer, which cut the true bill ($80k) in half. I’m pretty sure I actually laughed. I asked again about paying out of pocket and was told they’d check and get back to me.

The next week was, unsurprisingly, bad. I called every single day trying to get anyone to tell me anything and tried my absolute hardest not to crash the fuck out on some poor call center employee that probably had equally shitty insurance. I scoured every inch of the internet. A coworker casually asked how I was and I accidentally burst into tears. I made the earliest available appointment with the financial aid office, which was conveniently a week after my bill was due. I laid down on the floor a lot.

Here enters the hero of our story: a woman in the billing department I’ll call A. A was the first person on the phone to talk to me like I was an actual human being. For a few weeks things had followed a pattern: I called. Someone answered. I asked if my previous question/escalation/whatever had been followed up. They did not know what I was talking about, could I hold so they could look at my account? I held. They came back - this surgery was so long ago, I was just now getting a bill? I explained again. I held again. They came back again - they saw that in my file now! Could I hold so they could follow up with whoever had taken my previous call? Even if this was sometimes them? I held. Whatever I asked had not in fact been logged, but they’d follow up for me and call me back at x time. I would not receive said call. I would call again. Rinse and repeat.

A finally broke this cycle. I got her occasionally when I called and after a couple times she remembered me, which was a huge relief since it meant I didn’t have to re explain my entire situation. She didn’t understand why things were going the way they were any more than I did, but she actually seemed like she wanted to do something about it. She gave me the first useful information I’d received the entire time: the department’s direct mailing info.

I wrote a four page letter and laid out the entire timeline of the whole debacle from before my insurance switched to the time of writing. I’ve never actually sent mail before beyond returning packages, so I called to make sure they got it and was again given no information until I happened to get A on the line. Her supervisor was reviewing it and she thought I’d hear back in a couple days.

I got the call at work. It wasn’t A or anyone I’d talked to before. They informed me that my bill had been adjusted and I could log in online to check it. I did so on the phone to make sure I didn’t have to just call back immediately and dispute a $39k bill. My account showed $0. I was confused and asked when I’d get the updated bill. I was told it was my bill. I made a sound like a whoopee cushion. I asked for proof. They sent through an itemized bill with the same final amount: $0. I wish now that I had asked how or why, but at the time I was just focused on getting off the phone before they could change their minds. I assume (?) it’s something to do with the prior authorization, but I really have no idea and am not about to ask.

Total & Reflection

It took a few weeks to really sink in. I checked my account every day until the original due date came and went with nothing. I didn’t realize until recently that I’d been holding my breath since I went into the OR. It had felt like my body and my life were on loan. Being able to think of surgery as something I did for myself instead of a mistake I made has been amazing. I wish it had been like this the entire time, but I’m beyond grateful that it can at least be like this now.

I am sad that I haven’t gotten to thank A but don’t want to risk interacting with the hospital in literally any capacity ever again. Wherever you are, you may have genuinely saved my life. I hope your kindness and care is repaid tenfold.

The grand total for pre-op appointments, my portion of surgery costs (the surgeon’s fees), and post-op supplies comes out to $4921.70. My partner didn’t keep track of their exact expenses like I did because they’re not insane, but with $2200 in surgery specific fees, much lower appointment copays, and having most of the supplies left over from my surgery, I’d guess theirs was in the ballpark of $3000. These are both on the lower end of the ranges I’ve seen, especially as access to care has gotten more uncertain, so we’re both really lucky. I’m glad we both did it and I’m especially glad that it’s finally actually done. No matter what happens, the government can’t legislate my boobs back.

That’s a lot of words to say “American healthcare system bad”, but there it is! Everyone in this sub was really sweet on my initial post, so I’m glad I could finally come back with good news. Hope everybody is surviving as best they can <3

Welcome back to the “Workplace Wednesday” thread!

If you’re seeking advice from the sub regarding your specific situation, whether it’s about interviewing/benefits/negotiating/advancement opportunities, etc., it belongs here.

Bring us your burning questions!

I. Bio
39F Nonprofit Program Coordinator and 36M Business Intelligence Analyst with HHI around $192k gross in the suburbs of Philly. I still work for the same small nonprofit and was able to transition from 80% remote to 99% remote.
In 2023 I talked about how much I loved our neighborhood and hoped to live there a long time. In 2024 I said we’d probably never find a house better suited to the birds’ needs, and it’s possible we don’t move until it’s just the 2 of us with no birds.
So anyway, here we are in 2026, having moved 2 of us and 2 birbs to Pennsylvania! The move itself was a total hot mess express and financial drain that certainly could have been planned better. Months ago, I had started trying to write a moving diary, but couldn’t get it together and scrapped it.

II: Assets + Debt
Retirement Balance: $1,332,700
* $1,301,600 in 401k/IRA/etc
* $31,100 in HSA

We have both always prioritized retirement savings. When we married, we were able to contribute nearly 100% of my earnings for a while due to having access to both a 457 and 401k. We mostly invest in index funds and have never made any withdrawals or loans from any of our retirement accounts.

Equity: $154,700
* We bought a house early this year for around 480k with 25k down that came from a 2025 inherited IRA and life insurance payout (totalling about $100k, $75k of which was temporarily put into VTSAX earning $10,000-11,000). Our home is currently valued at $486,000 with $408,500 remaining on the loan.
* A few months later we sold the Maryland house for our asking price around $450k. We netted $109,300 after closing costs, not accounting for some contractor work and expenses we paid for outside of the sale. $50k of it was paid toward the new mortgage principle. In the spring we aim to pay another $25k and get PMI off.
* We still own the “rental property” out of state, valued at $125,000 with $47,800 remaining on the loan. My mother lives there, so it’s not bringing in market rate rent. It would likely sell closer to $180k currently, but we don’t update the spreadsheet value outside of actual appraisals.

Brokerage account: $27
Checking/Savings accounts: $33,200
Credit cards: $0. We don’t carry a balance on any cards.

Student loans: $0. I paid off $10,000 in subsidized federal loans in 2014. Then paid OOP for a graduate certificate in public health from 2020-2022. K paid off his $70,000 in undergrad loans in 2018. Then a MS that a previous employer reimbursed for. He’s now in another MS program that his current employer is reimbursing for.

SBA Disaster Loan: $19,200 remaining of a $25,000 loan taken out in 2018 to rebuild after a natural disaster. This is unsecured and has an extremely low interest rate.

Auto Loan: $29,600 remaining of a $38,700 for a Honda CRV Hybrid. K bought this in April 2025 when he anticipated commuting to Philly from Maryland for a 2 day stint in the office each week. He ended up making this drive from June to November. It’s a great car and a massive upgrade from his 2005 Matrix beater.

III: Income: $11,151 (take home)
Income Progression: I worked in public health for 13 years, growing my salary from a $21,000 clinic clerk position to a high of $44,000 as a disease investigator/health educator. In 2022, I left a toxic manager to go part time at a nonprofit and finish my grad school classes. The organization I support provides child & family services that could have changed my life and mitigated some of the early trauma I experienced. I love it and feel happy and fulfilled in so many ways. I started at 20 hours, then my only coworker left, giving me the opportunity to bump up to 30 hours per week. In 2024, I got raises from $20 to $23 per hour, and this year I got a COLA to $23.65. I go back and forth about looking for another job, but with all the health complications I’ve been through, I really think I’m best staying here where I know I can take off all the time I need on a whim. Now I mostly only apply for jobs when having an active conflict with one particular board member who’s a bully.

K gave his progression writeup in his own words:

Due to changing market and team composition, I took a job to be a business intelligence analyst at corporate HQ 160 miles away from where we lived. I really like working with data, and this role was a fairly strong fit skill wise. 2026 salary is 130K with 13% bonus target.
In our new home, I’m about 13 miles from the office on the days I have to go in. While not fully satisfied with the transition, there is a begrudging acceptance that my corporate structure is poorly suited for full-time remote work because of how far behind the curve we are with technology and developing good processes.
Still working on an online master’s degree in software engineering. Took a semester off in the beginning of the year due to all the time of moving house and then moving house again. I’m finishing this year doubling up on classes to make up for the time. The goal is to graduate summer of 2027 and really start to enjoy being in our new location.

Main Job Monthly Take Home: Mine is $2,491.
K: $7,946 (Not including bonus)

Side Gig: I’ve made $1,244 on Rover this year. I’ve had a surprisingly easy time building a base of local clients whose pets have medical needs (my specialty, along with birds/exotics). It seems like it has gone much more quickly than when I started out in Maryland.

Other: My mother still pays $558 monthly in rent, about 30% market rate.

Deductions
Insurances: $540
FSA: $125
Federal: $1,424
State: $494
Local: $35
401K Contributions: $868 (K's only; I have almost no benefits.)
ESPP: $500 (for only 7 months of the year)

IV: Expenses
Primary Mortgage: $3,302
* P&I: $2,800
* Escrow: $792
* Lender incentive: -$290 (for the first year only)

Rental Property Mortgage: $719
* P&I: $492
* Escrow: $227

529 Contributions: $75 ($25 per kid) monthly, plus $300 ($100 per kid) at Christmas and $300 ($100 per kid) at birthdays. We currently have $34,700 saved in niblings’ 529s, which I don’t count in the assets section since it’s for them. Our hope is to cover a year of college for each child; they’re currently 6, 8, and 14.
IRA Contributions: K maxed his out early in the year with some of the inherited IRA funds. I made a large transfer into mine then and now put $278 per month.
Savings: $632 monthly into my savings account.
Donations: about $500 per year including my university, fundraisers for the organization I work for, and other groups I care about.
Electricity & Gas: $217 avg so far; we haven’t been here 12 months
Trash/Recycling: $44
Water: $62 avg
Sewer: $15 avg, but the seller paid a large estimated amount at closing, so we still have a credit remaining. We fixed multiple running toilets, so I think their usage was just really high.
Internet: $50. K doesn't get the reimbursement anymore since he isn't fully working from home.
Cell Phones: $97 avg – with Google Fi, we pay for data. This also includes a $12 payment plan for K’s phone.
Car Insurance: $121. I eliminated comp/collision on my 2014 Prius this year, but with adding the Honda and moving here, our costs have gone up a bit, despite thoroughly shopping around.
Life Insurance (mine): $29
Pets: Roughly $3k per year. Our sweet Pumpkin passed in December 2024. Fiddler and Gizmo have chronic care needs at a much lower acuity than Pumpkin’s, but costs here are much higher. Ex: Gizmo’s monthly injection ran $80-90 in Fairfax. It’s $175-200 here.
Hobbies: Roughly $125 per month between my crafting and playing music, K’s Steam, and (new this year) getting set up with new climbing gear for both of us.

Subscriptions:
* $15 monthly for our farm share (saves us $8/week on delivery)
* $16 monthly for Audible
* $100 monthly for the climbing gym (50% local resident discount)
* $100 annually for movies
* $90 annually for Microsoft 365
* $130 annually for Costco
* $150 annually for AmEx Gold SkyMiles. I’m considering canceling this and getting the AA card since PHL is an American hub, but I keep getting award credits and flights off the miles I have.

V: Diary
Monday: $154.62
It’s my last visit of a 2 week long, 2x/day Rover booking with a sweet elderly cat who uses an inhaler for his asthma. He’s in my borough, so I’ve mostly been walking to these visits, but today my belly hurts, so I drive. I spend a few extra minutes vacuuming and resetting things for my clients’ return.
Back at home, K has already left for the office. I make coffee (this week it’s a blend of Wegman’s decaf chocolate cherry and Costco’s Colombian Supremo) and breakfast (oatmeal with hemp hearts, flax, pbfit, chocolate chips, and cinnamon). Usually my work hours are 10a-4p, but I have a massage midday so I start work early. I notice my coworker’s reimbursement requests are still pending for over $300, so I nudge our treasurer for her review.
Time to wake up the birds! I go out to pick them some fresh basil, dandelion, and clover. We had a ton of rain last week, and my tomato plant is overloaded, many are overripe and splitting, so I pick two mixing bowls plus a colander full of tomatoes, eating them by the handful as I go (especially the split ones because they won’t last long). These are sungold cherry tomatoes, super sweet and bright yellow/orange when ripe. I bag up a quart for my massage therapist. The thistles are scratching my ankles as I pick, so I boil a tea kettle of water and kill them. I got this method from Real Simple magazine (a friend sent the subscription as a Christmas gift). It’s great because it’s very targeted and doesn’t leave anything toxic on the “weeds” that I pick for our birds.
My lunch is pasta salad made with tomatoes, sundried tomatoes, basil, bell pepper, olives (garlic stuffed this time), zucchini, fresh mozzarella, a little bit of leftover feta, pine nuts and lupini beans. I feel like the beans really make it something special. I made a vinaigrette with harissa infused olive oil, blackberry ginger balsamic, a tiny bit of spicy mustard, salt, and pepper. K buys lunch at the office cafeteria with a coupon: $5.35.
I respond to a few more emails and then realize I need to dig up some cash for my massage. Luckily I remember I still have loads of cash in my instrument case from a music festival in March where I rented a car to share, and bandmates all paid me back in cash.
My massage focuses on my shoulder (recovering from a frozen shoulder), wrist (oddly stiff and weak since returning to activity once the shoulder resolved), and my belly (CW: 💩recent med changes have caused me awful constipation). $120 + $20 tip
There’s a cafe nearby with the best selection of biscotti. I get a cafe mocha and banana bread biscotti $9.27
Back at home I have a meeting with my board president and our bookkeeper. We dealt with two awful bookkeepers in a row over the last 3-4 years and finally have someone who is great, responsive, and gets things done. In addition to bookkeeping services, we’re also getting nonprofit financial coaching, which is what this meeting is for. She’s helping us develop and revise financial policies so that we are prepared to grow and apply for state and federal funding.
We spend the evening hanging out with the birds and putzing around the house. Yesterday morning I woke up with vertigo, which kicks up again this evening and I don’t feel like doing much. I suspect it has to do with some of the medication changes. Tomorrow morning is the deadline to skip or add to this week’s veggie box. It looks like a good selection, so I keep it and add a jar of ginger beets with garlic that sounds good.

Tuesday: $23.29
With no Rover visit, I sleep in for the first time in a while. I tend to block off my calendar for a few days after a long booking, and I’m glad I did so. This morning I’m feeling vertigo again and do a deep dive of all the meds I’m on to figure out what’s causing this. I discover it is a well known side effect when reducing (or missing) doses of Effexor. So, a quick rundown of my recent health journey:

In April, I started a cancer prevention drug (tamoxifen) that works by blocking estrogen receptors. I also saw a gyn who confirmed I’m probably in perimenopause (night sweats, brain fog, low libido, the frozen shoulder). I started testosterone because it’s the only HRT compatible with tam. Tam really ramped up the peri symptoms with worsened brain fog and by July, hot flashes keeping me up at night. I saw the gyn again, reduced testosterone because of my labs, explored all the hot flash options and opted to change my anxiety med (Live, Laugh, Lexapro) to Effexor because it can suppress hot flashes. The very next day I had followup bloodwork that revealed the tam is hurting my liver, so my onc is having me take a month off of it. Next, a followup pelvic ultrasound to check on a giant fibroid, which has continued to grow and may be linked to the tam, so my gyn said I could do anything from nothing to hysterectomy. A week or so later, this constipation starts, and I wasn’t initially sure which of these changes caused it. I self-adjusted (don’t recommend) the Effexor to every other day and it actually helped a little.

But now back to present, I learn that this Effexor reduction is why I’m having the vertigo. I decide I have to switch back to Lexapro and start messaging my doctors, calling the pharmacy. I cry a lot about all this, the side effects, the decision on whether to have a hysterectomy, hell maybe even throw in a preventive mastectomy so I don’t have to survive 5 years of the tamoxifen. Thankfully I have nothing urgent going on with work, so I wallow for a good long while and listen to You Are Not Broken ep #382. Cry some more.
After crying it out, I get back to work: setting up org email accounts for our board members. This is part of what we need in order for our PII practices to meet state/federal standards. K has another office lunch: $6.35
There’s an ice cream festival this weekend, and I circulate the flyer to my new group of friends, but get no takers. This group met via Reddit and we’ve had 3 meetups so far. We all recognize that it takes intentional work to develop friendship, and we were all looking for the same thing. A text from the pharmacy - my prescription is ready, hooray! I love my independent pharmacy - they are so helpful and get to know you. I stop at the donut shop a block away for a feel-better sugar boost in the form of a pb fluff filled, chocolate iced donut. $1.90. When I get to the pharmacy, it’s actually a different med that was refilled, but they have the paperwork and get my Lexapro ready in minutes. Absolute life savers! $15.04 from the HSA. I’ve already emptied the HRA and FSA for the year. I enjoy the donut on my walk home. K texts that he’s going to be late getting home. After work, I sit with the birds and read (my niece and I are reading Humanish) until he takes over bird supervision.
I work on cooking last week’s veggie box. While I cook, I eat tomatoes with hummus. The meal prep routine has really fallen apart lately. I would have liked to do this on Sunday when I made the pasta salad, but I keep scheduling so many weekend activities that I don’t get the cooking done. Will I learn to put fewer things on the calendar and allot sufficient time for mealprep? Unlikely. K doesn’t love eggplant or beets, so I roast those on a tray with some peppers for me, and a tray of potato, zucchini, and carrots for him. I also start a pot of savoy cabbage & kale. K finishes the birds’ bedtime routine just as the veggies are done. We leave them to cool and walk to the gym together. I update him on my med/pharmacy situation and cried a little bit describing how it feels like my body is outside of my control. He hears my frustrations and is really supportive. We climb some top rope, I try three routes and manage to send one. It’s nice living so close, because I don’t feel like I have to do everything in a session. I’ll be back before the routes change and get plenty of time on them. At home, K portions up the veggies, and we call it a night.

Wednesday: $121.35
My niece calls after dropping the kids off for the first day of school! We’re planning for my upcoming visit. Her oldest will turn 15 and is having a big swimming party at an airbnb with a resort-style pool. She got some quotes, but asks if we could just build the balloon backdrop and marquee numbers ourselves. She knows I’m always up for a project!
This morning while working I listen to You Are Not Broken ep #383. Our office got a letter from the private company that acts as my local tax authority, apparently the org was supposed to be filing quarterly tax reporting? I direct my board president to our CPA and the bookkeeper. When I moved to PA, we paid $600 to our payroll processor to set up my state and local taxes, and we were unaware of any special reporting requirements.
The veggie box is delivered. $52.77 for the ginger beets, tuscan kale, mini cucumbers, delilah peppers, hardneck garlic, roma tomatoes, sweet corn, yellow peaches, zucchini, gold potatoes, and red tropea onions. I eat some of my own tomatoes while I’m putting everything away, then I fix a bowl of tomatoes with basil, balsamic, and everything but the bagel for an afternoon snack.
I’m sure it’s largely placebo, but I took my first dose back on the Lexapro today, and I’m starting to feel like everything isn’t so terrible. Maybe one day soon my digestion will return to normal. At least I’m not having any vertigo today!
In the afternoon I have my weekly team meeting with my coworker and our board president. We have an awesome back to school event coming up with new shoes & socks, school supplies, haircuts, and cases of lunchbox/afterschool snacks for each family. Doing the online snack shopping for work while eating my pasta salad really made me think about how obsessed I am with these lupini beans. I find two different cases of snack sized variety pouches and put them on my Elfster list. Instead of individual Christmas gifting, we do secret santa with my in-laws since it’s a large group.
Wednesday is our date night! A nearish pizza place was recently awarded the 2nd best deep dish in the state, and we haven’t found a great deep dish yet, so we try it out, ordering the pickle deepdish and a 4 topping sicilian pan pizza. $68.58 K picks it up, and while he’s out I clean off the dining room table. We haven’t completely finished unpacking and finding homes for everything, and there are also several home improvement projects in progress that result in just a bunch of stuff everywhere. This is our first takeout date night in a while, and it’s nice to actually sit and eat together at home.
It’s also K’s first day of grad school classes for the semester, and this is the first time he’s taking two simultaneously. We talk through some of his worries about that and also how rewarding it will be to be done a year from now instead of two.

Thursday: $144.71
While I’m fixing breakfast and coffee, my niece calls and tells me everything she heard about the kids’ first days. It sounds like everyone is off to a great start for the school year. I’m running low on PBFit and open the last oat milk, so I add both to the shopping lists.
We also talk about my niece’s plans to look for a job soon. She recently got her bachelor’s degree and is excited to work in her new field after being a SAHM for the last 7ish years. When it’s time for work, I start the first of several meetings with the folks I set up new emails for. Our crew of board members and volunteers are very knowledgeable and incredibly dedicated to our mission, but they are mostly retired teachers in their 60s-80s, and technology is not their area of expertise. I spend pretty much the whole day helping with things like adding bookmarks on their browsers, accessing the account from their phones, adding the credentials to password managers, toggling between personal and org emails.
This evening K is doing homework while I go to the gym. There’s a beginner bouldering class I like to take with a great coach. I should have brought him a bag of tomatoes! Next week for sure. Tonight the class is just me and another short climber I’ve seen around the gym. She’s been at it longer, but we have some similar strengths so we take turns working on the same two problems.
K makes an amazon order of a trackball mouse, lap desk, cooling blanket, and Waterpik nozzles. I add boot bananas for my stinky climbing shoes and a pack of socks. I lament not finding the exact same as the ones I got for Christmas 2020. $144.71 We ditched the Prime subscription years ago and haven’t really missed it. When the need arises, we’ll order a few things at once to get free shipping. If something were so urgent that we need next day or 2 day delivery, we’ll just buy it locally.

Friday: $55.12
While I’m fixing my breakfast, I start a batch of sprouted seeds for the birds. I eat a handful of tomatoes, and then I eat two more handfuls of tomatoes.
When work starts, I get an update that the quarterly tax paperwork is filed. I’m not convinced it’s done correctly (our CPA is terrible) but it really isn’t my job to identify or fix his mistakes, even though I’ve always done it before. (Update from the future: Our bookkeeper has since called out the CPA’s errors on this. At least it wasn’t me this time!)
We’re looking to shift our website off of WordPress, so I meet with a website designer for a quote. The executive board put together an RFP for this work, and I can’t help but notice that one of the criteria is that the contractor must “work collegially with the Program Coordinator” which I have to believe was written specifically to exclude the problematic board member I mentioned earlier who bullies me at every opportunity. I appreciate inclusion of that wording, but I wish they would terminate this person already.
In the afternoon, I walk over to the Rover clients’ house to drop off their key. In between, I pass a neighbor out picking sidewalk weeds with a screwdriver. I stop to share my boiling water tip and learn that they got a citation for weeds in the pavement crack with 24 hours to fix or a $250 fine! I better do some quick maintenance on our section of sidewalk.
At the corner I encounter two kids selling jewelry who turn out to be the niece and nephew of my clients. Throughout my childhood I made and sold jewelry and other crafts to pay for our utilities, gas, and groceries. I don’t get the impression these kids are in that sort of position, at least I hope not. It was not a fun or developmentally appropriate way to grow up.
From there, I walk to the used book store, and come home with a load of birthday books for my niece’s three kiddos. $55.12. The worker shares a pamphlet for the upcoming Philly Bookstore Crawl. I still need to buy a couple Little Golden Books that I didn’t find used, so maybe I could do it then. Putting this on the calendar for next weekend!
One last stop on my way home is at Dunkin. With the Paze promotion, I ended up with $200 of free Dunkin credit. Lots of it I’m saving for gifts, but I’ll spend some of it on myself. I stack up the 3x points on espresso drinks, 50 points for ordering ahead, and 100 points for ordering after 1pm and get an iced latte with oat milk, hazelnut, and toasted almond. I wish more places had unsweetened flavors; all my local coffee shops have sugar-free flavors that taste heavily of …aspartame? sucralose? Something bitter. I have no idea what these syrups actually are (probably as detrimental to my health as full sugar or fake sugar would be, but at least they don’t have that after taste!) $4.06 of free money, so I don’t count this as money spent. While hanging out with the birds, I’m browsing backpack carriers for them. I find one that seems to have good ventilation, easy cleaning, and is nice and secure. It goes on my Elfster list. K is on an organizing spree and cleans off the puzzle/game table. Now we have two accessible, usable table surfaces! While he’s doing that, I’m debating tomorrow’s plan and how many activities I can reasonably make it to and enjoy.

Saturday: $62.77
You can’t Do Stuff™️all day if you don’t Do Stuff™️early, so I eat breakfast and head to the gym for a women’s climb meetup. It’s a small group this time (3 climbers plus the staff organizer), and we have a great time! The person I paired up with may be interested in lifting together, which I’ve been looking for on and off since getting my membership in May. We share perimenopause woes and find that we have a lot of common experiences.
Afterwards I’m home and hanging out with birds for a bit, then listen to This Podcast Will Kill You's July special episode as I take SEPTA into Philly. $2.90. DiscoverCapitalOne’s 5% category includes transit this quarter! I start at Reading Terminal Market for the ice cream festival, which is a bit underwhelming. You couldn't sample anything. I usually like to try a few options; it's a big commitment to make blind. I decided on chocolate stracciatella, and it could have used a lot more of the chocolate flake. $8.64. It’s my first time at RTM so I spent some time walking through and seeing all the vendors. I’d probably come back here for lunch some time. Before I leave, I get an iced oat milk lavender matcha $7.75. My timing could have been better; I have an hour to kill, so I chill in a little park, enjoy my matcha, and watch birds taking dustbaths. It’s surprisingly secluded and quiet for being in the middle of the city.
Next up is a jazz show at Frankie’s Summer Club. I found out about this because one of the people performing (J) also plays in a group that I attended an improvisation workshop with last weekend. I think I may end up becoming a more regular member of that ensemble, even though it’s a bit of a commute. I order a Crodino (n/a aperitif) and find a shady place to sit. Shortly after, I learn that a large group of members who weren’t at workshop are here to support J, and I end up sitting and chatting with them. Someone mentions a “sip and stitch” meetup where you can learn embroidery. Would definitely like to check that out! (Do you see how my calendar ends up overloaded??) Conversation again shifts to hormonal woes, this time both related to peri/menopause and also several folks in various stages of gender transitions. Turns out we’re all out here in the world suffering. At least there’s good company in the suffering! Originally my plan was to just get a drink and then head to another event, but now that I have met some people I enjoy, I decide to stay a while and order arancini and a gin bramble. My tab is $40.58 and I head home while the band is on a break. The other event I would have gone to tonight was a flute choir concert where a friend from my Maryland flute choir is performing, but unfortunately you just can’t do everything.
SEPTA gets me back home, $2.90 where it would usually be our movie night, but we opt for an episode of taskmaster instead of a whole film. Laying in bed, we make plans for yoga and bouldering in the morning.

Sunday: $69.25
We wake the birds up early, and Fiddler doesn’t appreciate this. He doesn’t take his morning medicine. We walk to the gym and start with Express Yoga, a 30 minute class. This is the first time K has been for yoga here, and it’s a great class. The instructor and her partner are also parronts to a cockatiel. She’s having hormonal issues wanting to lay eggs like Gizmo, and we chat briefly about the lupron shots we have her on.
After yoga, we head to the bouldering section. I really want to get back on the two problems I was projecting Thursday. K doesn’t do much bouldering lately; he enjoys the endurance work of top rope more. Before we met, he lived close enough to a climbing gym to go often and got really good at it. He still has a lot of those skills, plus a level of upper body strength that I just lack. So naturally, he flashed all my projects. I didn’t send them this session but made great progress on two and feel incredibly strong and capable. I did have an awkward fall, where if I hadn’t moved slightly, I totally could have broken my leg. My shin will be horrifically bruised, I can already tell. K always does some hangboarding after climbing, and I try it for the first time this morning. I can definitely see the value and how it could help me increase the strength I lack. But I’m really just worn out at this point, and we discuss how I should probably plan some ✨rest✨.
We stop by the donut shop on the way home. My favorite pb fluff is sold out so I get a chocolate cake donut. K gets a cinnamon roll. $4.25. They have a minimum for cards here, so I always bring cash and a pocketful of coins to pay in exact change. Today I have a 50 cent coin, and the young person at the register has never seen one before.
We live at the top of a hill, and every single time I have to drag my tired body up it, I remind myself that it’s worthwhile because we are very very unlikely to ever live through a flood again. We do some laundry. It’s a rainy afternoon. I book a $65.00 “refresher” session on a longarm quilting machine where I took an intro class last weekend. This is a chance to go in and do some guided practice work on their charity quilts to make sure I feel comfortable prior to scheduling a session for my 10 year long WIP.
I consider starting a puzzle on the freshly available puzzle table, but decide I should clear it with K since he sits here for homework sometimes. He’s doing hw now with his office door closed, so I’ll save it for another time.
I sit with the birds and read another chapter of Humanish. Someone on the local climbing discord recently posted a hangboard for $50, so I send a message asking if it’s still available. K and I look at places to put it where I might or might not die. The available spots are mostly at stair landings, which seems a bit questionable. I go ahead and skip the coming week’s veggie box because (surprise, surprise) we’re backed up on the current box that I haven’t cooked yet. And that’s a wrap on my week!

VI: Summary - $631.11
Food/Drink: $205.44
Gifts: $55.12
Hobby: $78.00
Home/Health: $286.75
Transit: $5.80
I never expected to move again so soon (actually we moved twice over a few months due to a bad rental situation), and I certainly didn’t imagine we could end up somewhere that I like even better than where we were in Maryland. Amazingly, here we are. It has been a challenge (and sometimes like a second job) getting all my healthcare transferred over and straightened out. But overall I’m finding community and enjoying getting to know Philly and the surrounding areas. I love having access to public transportation! There's certainly no shortage of sights, events, and fun things to explore.
This week I did a lot of climbing! Usually it's 2-3 times per week; this is the first time I've done 4 sessions. After nearly a year of daily pain and being unable to lift my arm above shoulder level, it feels so powerful and rewarding to be able to move, love my body, and feel good. As a child, I was taught that nothing short of perfection was acceptable (a 95 was a bad grade to my mother). Throughout my entire life, I have carried that with me and had serious problems with perfectionism, expecting to immediately master every new skill. This is the first time I have been able to enjoy something at the beginner stages without feeling like a massive failure. I fall, I don't finish things, and I still genuinely have fun. This is an experience I was truly missing for 39 years.
Overall, I think this week was pretty much as expected/typical for this season of life.

First time poster, so bear with me, and apologies if this is the wrong sub for my inquiry. I'm a 47F owner of a small consulting business that is extremely profitable when the markets are strong, but really suffers when the financial markets and economy take a hit. In a good year, I can net $600K before taxes, but in a bad year, it could be closer to $100K. My spouse is 44M working in a VP-level role for a Fortune 100 company, and his total income with RSUs, salary, and additional benefits is about $350K. Given how variable my income is, I would average our income/savings as follows:

• HHI - $550K
• Home Equity - $1.3M (thanks to tremendous appreciation and a significant down payment)
• Debts - $0 (other than mortgage, which is factored into home equity above)
• Retirement Savings (401k/IRA) - $1.22M
• Investments/Savings - $1.6M
• 529s for our two sons (ages 10 and 12) - $100K/each (expecting significant investments from family members in the next few years)
• Expenses: We are not great about budgeting, but I would say $130K/year, including mortgage payments. Major expenses are healthcare for our special needs son, travel, food and entertainment, and clothing.
• Bonus: We will not be financially responsible for either of our parents and expect to inherit around $5M total from our parents' estates (but that could be 20+ years in the future).

I've had very strong years the past two years (earning about $500K for 2025 and projected for 2026), but with how uncertain the economy is, I can't help feeling stressed knowing that my income will drop significantly if there is a recession. That being said, because I've had good years, there has been a great deal of lifestyle creep, particularly around travel. Our travel spend is about $30K+/year for our family of four, including two week-long vacations each year plus four to six long weekend trips and several additional drivable weekend getaways.

With a financial picture like the above, is $30K/year in travel spend reasonable, or should we dial it back? We will of course be forced to dial almost everything back if my income drops below $200K/year, but I also want to be able to enjoy myself during the good years and make memories with my family while we're all together and healthy.