I recently moved out after an 8-year relationship. My ex husband is struggling with meth addiction and is currently on another bender.

I’m realizing how much of my life became a cycle of worrying about him, helping him, getting hurt or angry, feeling guilty, remembering the person I love, and then helping again.

Last week I had hope that he would at least take care of our cats. Now he’s disappeared again and says the neighbor is feeding them, but I’m not even sure I can trust that.

I ultimately want to get to no contact. But our breakup feels staggered rather than finished. We still have the cats, money and other things connecting us, and emotionally I still feel responsible for him.

He was also my family. I was relatively new to this country when we got together, and he was there while I built and stabilized my life here. There were genuinely good years and good parts of him, which makes it difficult to simply turn off the love and concern.

I’m trying to learn the difference between loving someone and caring about them from a distance. I try not to go into rabbit holes where I am questioning if any of what we had was genuine? Now I see how he is using people like my neighbor for the cats, me when he is home from benders and feels terrible.

For people who have been here:
-What did detachment actually look like in everyday life? How did you handle the guilt when you stopped helping?
Meth is no joke. He went to treatment once, but now he just doesn’t want to go back. He speaks, thinks, and behaves differently now, and it’s incredibly difficult to watch someone you love change like this. But I, along with the rest of his support system, am starting to understand the powerlessness of it all.
How did you learn to live with that powerlessness? And how did you eventually make peace with it and move on?

My uncle is currently in IOP following the completion of rehab that he agreed to go to. He has no money and is now behind on his insurance premium.

In the height of his addiction he stole money from family via access to their debit card (they knew he had access and didn't realize what he was doing) The person did not want to press charges.

I'm the last family member he's got. My mom died a few months ago and my grandmother is now in assisted living. I've been STRICT about no financial support. My grief and rage has also fueled how strict I've been. He shared with me that he's behind on his insurance premium. He shared that if he loses his insurance premium he will be kicked out of IOP and won't be able to get the hip replacement surgery that he needs following multiple drug induced car accidents. Ideally once this hip is fixed, he'll be able to get back into the workforce.

On one hand I am trying to stay firm on boundaries. On the other I understand that if he loses insurance he is back at the start. He will likely go to prison if he's not in treatment due to traffic violations, etc. He did this. He crashed cars, stole money, lost money, etc. He got himself where he is. I know it is not my responsibility to fix this.

I will feel sick if I go back on my boundary. And I will feel sick if I was able to help out a bit but didn't. I know I need to make a decision. Any insight, validation, etc etc will be helpful right now as I think this through. Thank you.

The father of my children has been battling meth addiction on and off 3 years. I tried so much to “save him”. Last time I saw him was a year ago cause he stole my car and got charges. He got out in April from jail and called me the day before but I couldn’t pick him up. He had 8 months sober. I asked him to call when he got out and he never did. I confirmed by people he relapsed. He has been missing for 5 months now and I’m sick. I can’t do my normal day to day routines. This is the most pain I’ve ever had. Not knowing if he’s alive or not. We have 3 young kids together and my oldest sleeps with his dad’s hat. I don’t know how to let go and try not to constantly think of where he is or what he’s doing.

My bf got out of rehab 2 months ago. He‘s been going through emotional ups and downs in recovery but overall things have been stable with our relationship. Recently he told me that he found a pill in his room, thought it was Xanax and asked if I lost one of my allergy pills. He claimed he didn’t have the pill anymore but he showed me a stock photo of an allergy pill I do take, just a different manufacturer. He claimed he found it 3 days prior but just now asking me if I lost one. He again stated ”I thought it was Xanax“.

I have NEVER brought any pills to his home. I keep my allergy pills in a zipper part of another zippered area of my work backpack. He would never even know what allergy pills I take unless he searched my belongings. I wholeheartedly believe he stole a pill or a few thinking I was hiding Xanax in a stock bottle, then after realizing it wasn’t that he thought I would notice some pills are gone. So then he makes up this bogus story finding my allergy pill on his room floor smh.

I‘m just so tired. It’s like when things seem to be going well, he does something that snaps me back into reality on who and what Im actually dealing with here. He’s clearly drug seeking and in relapse mode. He has also played me on money in the past lying saying he needed it for something important then shows up a few hours later nodding out barely coherent.

Have any of you gone through these types of things? What do I even do or say anymore? I love him but I’m at the point of detaching and leaving him to his own chaos. It‘s all so exhausting.

This is going to be very ramble-y and likely incoherent, but I have to get it out of my head. (Also because my memory isn’t the best, and it’s helpful to be able to look back on my posts to put things into perspective.)

It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted here, which is mind boggling. A few months ago my Q came clean about continuous use - we’ve been through several “detoxes” over the past year or so, but apparently he never took it to the end and always relapsed before a week. So for the past few months, he’s been trying something different. He hasn’t been hiding using, and instead has been using less and less to try and wean himself off. I’ve been giving him some money every two weeks or so to buy more, each time swearing to him and myself it was the last time. He’s been working, but has been having issues getting paid.
He told me a few days before my birthday that he wanted my birthday to be his new sobriety date. I’m not hopeful at all anymore, but I feel like I have to hide that from him. I’m the only one left believing in him, his parents barely talk to him anymore.

When he started his current job, he told me he gave them my routing and account information for direct deposit, and that they keep giving him the runaround for his paychecks (this has happened before, his industry seems to get that a lot). He’s been sending me a couple hundred dollars on odd occasions, saying his boss gives him “good faith payments” while they figure out why his paychecks aren’t going through. I haven’t been comfortable with the under-the-table payments, but it was better than nothing and it helped to cover his phone bill and the biweekly drug money. He stopped going to work last weekend to detox at home, and I figured it served them right for not paying him properly.
But of course….today I looked in his phone before leaving for work. I found cashapp deposits, from his work. Every week, since he started the job in early June. Totaling close to $6000. Most of it sent within days to his dealer, every so often sending a little bit my way. I’m pissed, but I can’t talk to him about it because he’s emotionally fragile and besides- he’s barely coherent. I feel stupid and gullible, but mostly cheated - once again, in a brand new creative way.

Today is day 4 of withdrawals for him, and it’s rough. He claims he’s started urinating blood, and that he feels like he’s going to “stroke out”.

I’m so angry… but mostly? I’m scared about this detox. I’m scared he’s been lying about weaning off safely. I’m scared it will kill him, and I’m scared that part doesn’t scare me enough.

This is long, but I really need to vent.

I think my (35F) best friend (39F) has brain damage or something else from long-term drug use. We had a huge confrontation about 3 months ago after a bizarre visit where she kept lying, but seemed to genuinely not think of it as lying. I lost my absolute shit yelling at her, which is not fucking okay, but the way she lied was truly baffling and made me feel like I was losing my mind. In the moment it felt like she was fucking with me, hence the freakout. Now that I've talked to my therapist about this extensively, I realize she might be in a cognative state where she doesn't know she's lying and can't acknowledge that she's sick.

While she wasn't using her DOC at the time of our confrontation, I think the cumulative effects of her DOC combined with marijuana, alcohol, and unmonitored psychiatric medication (antidepressants/mood stabilizers), not sleeping or eating for days, have turned her into a completely different person. Has anyone experienced this?

I've been in recovery from my main DOC for 7 years, and I'm still trying to quit smoking weed (which is my new DOC, but for clarity's sake I'm going to keep it separate here), so I'm very sympathetic to what it's like to be an addict. But I think I've let my sympathy outweigh my need for boundaries, stability, and my own sobriety; I might not be able to have her in my life anymore. This is not the first addict friend I've had to cut out in my recovery, but this one really fucking hurts.

Espeically because the confrontation stemmed from her coming to visit and throwing my life into complete chaos, and she actually thought her coming to visit would help me. Like she truly believed that. I am going through a lot being in a caretaker role for my dad who has dementia and also being unemployed for almost 3 years. I am really on the edge of losing it all the time, so her coming here, lying constantly, and bringing chaos into my families life fully sent me over the edge, and she genuinely doesn't understand what she did wrong.

This is where I need to take accountablity. I can't put myself in situations like this anymore. I need to know what is bad for me, and vehemently avoid it even when someone i love is enthusastic and wants to do something. I can't handle a lot of additional stress right now, and I can't and DONT WANT TO live like I did when we were both drug addicted sex workers in our 20s. Everything about this experience reminded me of how i used to live when I was at my worst. Before I went to detox I owed everyone in my life money, my bank account was $700 overdrawn, I owed my roommate rent, and all my bills were in default. I'd ruined my relationship, and my family almost cut me off completely. It's taken years to rebuild that trust and a couple short relapses to realize I never want to touch my DOC ever, ever again. I still struggle with weed (which is a factor in all of this, we were stoned AF the whole time), but I'm actively chipping away at my use so it is no longer all day everyday. This experience showed me how weed degrads my ability to control my emotions, and I'm getting pretty sick of being stoned all the time. While it's not a hard drug that will kill me like my DOC, my weed use has also had negative effects on my life and relationships.

It was not fucking okay that I flipped the fuck out on her the way that I did. What happened unlocked a terrifying version of myself I don't see that often. And I'm having a hard time accepting that that might mean I can't interact with her when she's:

• Lying casually, all the time. And doing it a way where she makes you think you're crazy for calling her out.
• Unable to make a plan or think about the future beyond a couple hours ahead. And a couple hours is generous
• Unable to take accountability for anything, ever. Treats the smallest criticism as an attack on her character
• Manipulating people for money, drugs, etc.
• Blaming all her problems on autism (????)
• Not sleeping and eating for days
• Can't focus on a task for more than a few minutes
• Casually cruel to me and others
• Deliberately humilating me and others in public or in a group by talking down to us, making fun of us, etc
• Overreacting, being hypervigilant and freaking out at the smallest things in the most over the top way
• Forgetting major details about my life, like that my dad has dementia (which was kinda funny in the darkest possible way lol)

She hasn't always been like this. To be honest, dealing with her felt a lot like dealing with my dad when he's having a bad day. Just trying to keep up with the fragmented train of thought is disorienting and exhuasting. She both says she cares about me and does genuine caring things while also lying to me and demeaning me?? I have no idea what is going on in her head. I just know I can't deal with it.

I have so much going on in my life. I'm trying to accept this is just the way things need to be right now. I can't afford to have a friend that makes me feel this shitty, and I need to keep moving towards sobriety from smoking and being a full, actual adult that people rely on and want to be around. I want the beautiful, good person I know she is inside to realize that and want it for herself. I still feel so guilty that I yelled at her, but I didn't know how else to get through to her. She still doesn't think she did anything wrong and that what happened wasn't a big deal (I'm leaving the details of what happened out because it is so insane and disorienting I'm not putting myself through trying to explain it coherently. Just trust me that it was classic addict chaos)

I'm fucking devasted. If you read all this, thank you for listening to me vent. Reading the posts here make me feel less alone and remind me why i need to prioritize my own sobriety.

My qualifier quit rehab for the 5th time this week. Well, one of those times he was kicked out. But yeah. I'm so tired. I've mostly detached until last week when a rehab called me that he had checked in and could I provide some information. Then today a case manager finally called me back that he left against recommendation to stay to "take care of some animals" (at the trap house). I'm just so tired.

i just found his mugshot online. we lived the same lives till i went off to college then he got into meth/crack/heroin
but especially meth. idek who the fuck he is anymore idk anything about his life but in the rare event i do see him i still see my twin brother like the old him is still there. he’s still alive but my heart breaks with grief that i don’t have him in my life for my own safety i just wish things were different cuz things will never be the same again but i just bottle up the hurt and keep it pushing and try not to even think about it cuz there’s obviously nothing i can do to make it better as the last decade has proven

kk im done just had to get it out. goodnight to all those who celebrate

I was dating an addict for two years. At the start of the relationship, I was naive about the severity of his addiction (he had been to rehab for fentanyl twice in the past but I understood it as fully in the past and something he had figured out). Alcohol increasingly became an issue in the relationship - him getting way too drunk, coming home from work incoherent, drinking whenever something stressful was happening, etc.

Even though at the beginning of our relationship, we would drink together and things felt completely fine and normal and happy, we’d occasionally get drunk at parties, etc. overtime I became super stressed and uncomfortable any time he was drinking, and I could never have fun at parties or gatherings where he would drink. So eventually, things came to a head and he stopped drinking completely - we both drank non alcoholic beers and wouldn’t go to parties or gatherings where there would be a lot of alcohol to make things easier for him. I supported him as much as I could, celebrated his sobriety, and definitely changed my lifestyle to be essentially sober.

Around six months later, his mental/physical health was declining and it eventually came to light that he had been using for several months, and things were escalating such that he was using 5/7 days a week. He basically started using again as soon as he stopped drinking. It was an incredibly difficult period of time and when I began going to naranon meetings and learning a lot more about addiction and sobriety. We ended up breaking up at the end of January 2026 and it has been an extremely difficult and heartbreaking thing to move through.

Seven months later, I am sure it was the right decision however, and the guilt and the stress are slowly starting to leave my body and I am able to see our relationship with much better perspective for what it was - extremely imbalanced and draining. Even though I am healing in many ways, something that I can’t seem to resolve is how I feel about alcohol (and any other substances).

I have never had any substance use issues, nor has anyone in my family. Yet, I am having a really hard time drinking and being around people who are drinking without feeling the same dread, stress, despair about it as I grew to feel around my ex. I feel judgemental of my family members who are having 2-3 beers at a family gathering. If I have one drink and begin to feel slightly tipsy, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and don’t want to talk to anyone for fear of saying something regrettable or just being too loud/outgoing. If I’m talking to someone and I can tell they are remotely tipsy, I feel wary of them and want out of the conversation and can’t take seriously anything they are saying. When people are telling drinking stories of times they got drunk/high and did something silly, I feel disgusted about it. It’s making it not fun to be in most social gatherings (because drinking is so widespread) and I feel isolated and anxious.

I think some of this perspective shift is healthy - like seeing substance use as dangerous and having my eyes open to how casually ubiquitous it is valuable. But I have never had a drinking problem and love beer and want to be able to have casual drinks with friends/family without feeling intense dread and anxiety. How can I work on this??

I needed to go out of town for a day. A family member with dementia lives with me and I had no other caregiving options. The family member loves the ex and still thinks we are together so in a fit of desperation I asked. He swore up and down he could manage 12 hours. Spoiler alert, he could not.

My loved one was fine. Fed, didn’t get lost, nothing got burnt down. But he used my house to film on OF. I found some of the shots and was so fucking grossed out. I kicked him out and haven’t spoken to him since.

He has called me almost every day since and I have ignored the calls. It’s so much more peaceful than picking up and yelling. Today he is getting more persistent. I am still ignoring but am worried he is going to show up to get his dog back.

We have been trading the dog on and off, he’s a neurotic little bozo and while sometimes I wish I wasn’t responsible for him, we have found a good med regime and are in a good groove. The ex swears he gives the meds but the bottles don’t lie. I don’t want to send the dog back but also recognize that I am fucking pissed and being petty.

My husband is on a 28-day program. Very committed, making good progress and building a consistent support system. I don’t know yet if we will stay married, but I am giving him a chance to earn my trust again.

However, I fear becoming hyper vigilant and constantly looking to see if there are signs of relapse. I get worried he will do something crazy and put himself in danger and traumatize our kids.

This is his first time in treatment and actually working the program. In the past he detoxed at home and tried to get away with IOP, coaching and other stuff that he never committed to. This time he seems to be taking it seriously but he comes home next week and I’m very anxious.

How do you stay ok and keep living without the fear of relapse looming over all the time?

Husband has had a long term addiction to heroin and later crack cocaine and cocaine. Had a relapse 2018-2021 and went onto methadone. Then relapsed again from 2023-2026 which escalated into daily heroin and crack use.

Lots of denial, deflection, stealing and lies went on until a final admission and rehab for four weeks between May and June. He relapsed again around 2-3 weeks after coming out of rehab and denied it despite many signs. I put a camera in his living space in a separate annexe in our garden (I know this isn’t ok but he was coming into our home smelling of crack but denying it and I wanted to protect the children).

A few weeks ago, he admitted his relapse and said he would get back on his bupes and self detox. The camera told a different story. He then discovered the camera and said he had staged calling a drug dealer (which is true- it’s obvious he wasn’t actually talking to anyone). He said the videos of him smoking a crack pipe were also staged and he’s clean.

I’ve had enough of the cycle and started a divorce. He is still denying that he went back on drugs and is still insisting he staged it all to trick me.

I’m so confused and he’s accusing me of coercive control .

Any advice please.

First time posting, looking for advice.

Partner went to rehab last year. Claimed was clean until a month ago.
I suspected they were using many times before they finally admitted. Each time I brought up my concerns around their behaviour they became defensive, said the distrust was my problem and told me that if they used I would be the first person they told.
When they finally admitted, they said it was one time. I now know it was going on for months. They did many saliva tests and somehow managed to ensure they came back negative, even the times they had taken something an hour before.

I’m not angry or disappointed they relapsed, they have my full support in recovery and I’ve made this very clear. I just don’t know how to get past the lies. I’m honestly scared how easily they lied to me, family and friends. And I’m terrified about how easily they could continue to do it in the future.

I’ve said I can’t continue in this relationship unless there are serious changes. They need to come from them. They said this is their absolute lowest point, and they intend to get better but again how do I not believe this is a lie as well? Am I enabling by always staying?

I plan on attending local naranon meetings to hear from others, but in the meantime would love to hear from others how they have navigated the distrust in a partner, and if it was worth it.

So I’ve been dealing with my sister’s addiction and the impact it’s had on our family and her own children. It has recently morphed into pretty severe schizophrenia from what I see her doing online.

Around a decade ago, as I was entering Highschool she had up and left with her children to go live with someone in a neighboring state. This person was living on disability checks and receiving pain medication. This really ramped up her narcotics abuse resulting in the loss of custody of her children. I was there in the throes of her addiction as we drove off with her kids escorted by police. They were toddler/kindergarten age at that time. It is genuinely so heartbreaking to me that they were subjected to that environment and nearly dying of an accidental overdose. I can never forgive my sister for that.

In more recent years she was in a religious sobriety home. Very strange vibes there - no sugar and constant prayer group type of place. I was honestly emotionally numb on the drive to see her but got so devastated at the sight of her. She was a completely different person in every way.

More recently she is trying to glom on to our mom for financial help after being given a million chances to help her find a job and get back on her feet. I can’t stand that she continues to devastate her family all while posting stupid posts online about speaking in tongues or being spiritually enlightened. I feel guilty but i honestly wish she would have never come back into our lives and just lived out her addiction in solitude. She has been given so many opportunities to be a parent and a functioning adult I can’t even begin to explain the effort our family has put in. I just lurk on her Facebook account but it’s honestly getting to be a bit much. I really deeply worry for her safety and how her children will grow up. I am at the point where I want nothing to do with her but the pain is still lingering.

My (26 M ) best friend (35 F ) has recently had a bad domestic dispute with a partner ! She got evicted from her house because of it and is living out of her car ! Unfortunately through the domestic dispute I got dragged into things and it’s been really negatively affecting my mental health which then is affecting my physical health ! She refuses to admit this all stems from her crack / fet addiction and she keeps slipping and getting worse ! I can’t handle the thought of her dying and it eats me alive with worry every day ! She’s a good person who’s faced a lot of hardship in her life and I know losing me will not help with that but for the sake of my mental health I have to help myself by letting her go and I don’t know how to !

Our son started kindergarten on Wednesday. He hasn't seen the kids in almost 9 months now.... hes talked to them a few times on the phone. I had cut off majority of contact between him and the kids because hes a chronic relapser and has been on drugs around them and brought drugs into our home more times than I can count over the past 5 years.

I requested treatment, rehab, outpatient, sponsor, meetings, anything to show me hes doing the work to change before he can be apart of kids lives due to them constantly getting stuck in the middle of his shit. I wanted someone else to verify hes been sober for him because last time I tried to do supervised visits with him I requested drug tests and he was a mess. He was on drugs, fighting with me infront of kids, falling asleep on my couch around the kids, being crazy and it traumatized me and I dont want to do it again.

He hasnt done anything.

Okay, well he harassed (yes, harassed) me for weeks if not longer to be here for our sons first day of kindergarten. Spam called my phone, sent a million texts, called me names, etc. Sunday before school I finally answered him and he threatened to take me to court if I didnt let him be there.

Ive never been so mad... and i was very stressed out and exhausted, the dude wore me down. I said yes. I voiced my concerns but ultimately said yes. He had a whole plan of what he was gonna do to ensure he would be here on time. I told our son to give him a heads up.

He didnt fucking show up. He didnt try to call or text or ask about our sons day, or his teacher, or anything.

He's actually both an alcoholic and a kratom addict but hasn't drank for a number of years. He's an adult who recently moved back with us when he had nowhere else to go. He was clean for a few months here then picked up again and stole from us to buy it. His relapse lasted about 6 weeks before we found it.

We confronted him yesterday and cleaned out his stash - working towards getting a counselor and rehab but he's got no license and no insurance and no job. He's sleeping and miserable now so I'm sure it's gone and he's withdrawing.

I don't know why I'm writing other than i needed to put the words down among people who understand. It's so hard to know where the line is between enabling and supporting. He's had a difficult life - due in some part to my own active addictions as he was growing up so I'm not going to be quick to give up on him or have him arrested but i will not allow him to stay here if he's using. I love him and this is breaking my heart.

Still Being made to feel and look like shit for choosing myself and healing, when will it end?I’ve tried to explain myself in every way possible and way too many times till I shut down and I couldn’t do it anymore and now he still guilt trips and says I abandoned him and such , even when I know it’s not true, it still hurts and triggers me sometimes to react . I have a hard time believing that he actually believes the things that he still constantly dismisses my experience or says that I’m exaggerating looking for an excuse to leave because I want to be free or date other people
this is somebody I was married to for seven years , and we’ve been separated for eight months
it’s too painful.
Honestly if not for the kids I would block him

My friend went to rehab this week for a cocaine addiction. There is a group of mutual friends - "the team" - who are coordinating everything. The team started going through their apartment and has already found hundreds of dollars of baggies in plain sight. We need to dump the entire place and find everything else.

Plan is to go through every drawer, bag, container, all clothing, shoes, etc.

Any advice/strategies on locating the stashes? Unexpected places to search? Tips on how to track what's been cleared?

Every time I share my story as the wife of an addict—someone who loved her husband deeply, stood by him for years, and eventually had to leave there is always at least one person telling me I “don’t understand addiction.”
So I genuinely want to ask: at what point do I get to say that I understand?
I gave 10 years of my life to this.
Ten years of rehabs. Relapses. Overdoses. Lies. Broken promises. Trying to raise children while never knowing what version of my husband I was going to get.
I supported his different business ideas, even during periods when he was using. I tried to believe in him. I tried not to question him when I suspected he was high because the second I asked, he would become offended and tell me I didn’t trust him.
Then later, I would find out I was right.
Eventually I realized that making me feel guilty for questioning what I was clearly seeing was part of the manipulation that kept me doubting myself.
And somehow, after everything, when I finally say enough, I’m told I’m judgmental.
That I don’t understand mental health.
That I don’t understand addiction.
I’ve even had people tell me my husband is “lucky” I left him.
At what point are the loved ones of addicts allowed to have limits too?
How many rehabs are enough? How many overdoses are enough? How many lies are enough? How many years are we supposed to sacrifice before we are allowed to protect ourselves and our children without being accused of abandoning someone?
Is 10 years too little?
I will never claim to understand what it feels like to physically crave a drug or live inside the mind of someone struggling with addiction.
But I absolutely understand what addiction does to a family.
I understand loving someone while being terrified of them dying.
I understand searching for signs that they’re using again.
I understand wanting desperately to believe them while your instincts are screaming that something is wrong.
I understand forgiving and forgiving and forgiving because you keep thinking maybe this rehab, this promise, this consequence will finally be the thing that changes everything.
And I understand finally reaching the point where you realize that loving someone cannot require you to let their addiction destroy you and your children too.
So when do we get to say we understand?
And when do we get permission to say enough?

My partner of a decade has being an addict that has no preferences. From drinking, smoking, popping pills, doubling up meds, to kratom.
After months of recovery in the program I discovered pills in my partners bag. Claims his friend gave it to him bc he was out of his prescribed meds. He also doubled up his seraquol to sleep. Thats insane.

Now he’s distancing himself from me in shame, won’t even come near me. I’m having a hard time being codependent. I know he did me dirty… AGAIN. He lied AGAIN.. but I still love him. Please please if anyone has recommendations on how to invest in myself and focus on me. I attended a naranon meeting so I’m gonna keep up n that. Thank you for reading if ya do.

I’m the wife of someone addicted to fentanyl. We have two children, and I’ve had to Narcan him three times over the past five years. He has been to rehab seven times.
I eventually asked him to leave after discovering he was smoking blues. He is still using, and we are now separated and moving toward divorce.
What I’m struggling with most lately is trying to understand what is actually going on inside of him.
During our separation, he has given me so many different explanations for how he feels.
He has told me that somewhere along the way I became the breadwinner and that I was always ambitious and moving forward.
Then he tells me how much he misses our relationship and that drugs are the reason he becomes so defensive and angry with me.
Then he says he is simply a lost person and talks about how his father wasn’t there for him emotionally in the way he needed growing up.
Other times he says that people around us wanted our marriage to fall apart.
And then he talks about how amazing our friendship and relationship actually were.
The hardest part is that I agree with that last part.
Before addiction completely took over our lives, this was someone who understood me to my core. We laughed together. We built businesses together. We built a family together. We had two beautiful children. We had a home. We had a life that, from my perspective, was incredibly beautiful.
I spent years supporting him through sobriety, relapse, rehab, businesses opening and closing, financial instability, and everything that came with his addiction. I worked a full-time career in healthcare, ran my own practice, became the primary breadwinner, and eventually became the person carrying most of the responsibility for our children and household.
And somehow he continued going back to drugs.
I understand addiction intellectually. I work in healthcare. I understand that addiction changes the brain. I understand that trauma, shame, cravings, dopamine, avoidance, and mental health can all play a role. I genuinely have compassion for people suffering from substance use disorders.
But being the spouse is different.
There is an emotional part of me that keeps screaming: How could this life not be enough?
How could your children not be enough?
How could watching your wife carry everything not make something inside of you say, “I have to fight like hell to get better”?
I know people will say that addicts don’t “choose drugs over their family” in the simple way that it looks from the outside. Intellectually, I understand that.
Emotionally, it absolutely feels like he chose drugs over us. Over and over and over again.
And now I resent him.
I’m angry that I spent so many years understanding him, protecting him, supporting him, believing in him, and trying to understand his addiction—and I’m realizing that maybe there was an entire part of him that I never understood at all.
That is probably one of the most painful realizations for me. This man knew me better than almost anyone in the world, yet now I find myself wondering whether I ever truly knew him.
So I would genuinely love to hear from people who are in recovery, especially those who had a spouse and children while they were actively using.
When you were using, did you know how badly you were hurting your family?
Did you actually believe the explanations you gave them at the time?
Did you love them and still feel unable to stop?
When your spouse set boundaries or stopped allowing you around your children, did you see it as abandonment at the time?
And once you became sober, did your perception of what happened change?
I’m not asking because I’m trying to save my marriage anymore. I think that part of me is gone.
I want him to recover because he is the father of my children and I want them to someday have a healthy father.
But I’m trying to understand how someone can have what appears to be everything they once wanted—and still keep returning to something that is destroying all of it.