r/OCPoetry • u/Kooky_Spirit_1994 • 23h ago
Feedback Please Your Idols
She knew that
Life would be different when she
Walked into 77 Barton Street
She didn’t smell the Marlboro smoke
She sensed something amiss
the father of her child had gone
Stepping into darkness
Slipping into silence.
No love lost, sister, when the one you love is surely gone.
//
We had a friend back in ‘03
He was Bled White at the scene
Pierced twice through the heart
For someone half as smart
he’d be a work of art
It’s all right
We all return to light so
Step into the darkness
Slip into the silence
No love lost, Brother, when the one you love is surely gone.
//
You talk about our friend
Cobain
he was alive and it was
all the same
We love his life through the
Nineties scene
Torn apart straight at the seams
He was stepping into darkness
Slipping into silence
//
And though I’ll never get to know you now
you know that I’ll love you any how.
In loving memory of Ian Curtis, Elliott Smith and Kurt Cobain.
2
u/dooby-duby 18h ago
Great poem, clear theme and executed well. The second paragraph is especially good.
The repetition of slipping into darkness/stepping into silence is powerful and I think it conveys how these deaths were all connected in some way.
He was Bled White at the scene
Is a great line.
And then the rest of the stanza flows really well and has great rhythm: heart, smart, art, right, light, darkness, silence.
Only line that didn’t work for me was:
She sensed something amiss
the father of her child had gone
There’s nothing wrong with it per se but amiss seems like the wrong word to capture the feeling in the poem. And then these lines seem to cut a bit abruptly into Slipping into darkness. I think there could be another line or two before that point.