r/OCPoetry • u/phlloetic • 7h ago
Feedback Please Tin of Rain
Bells and plucked strings, scattered to the wind like seeds set out to bloom.
My heart beats on for songs like these,and so I I shall return soon.
I miss the rain and his comforting sounds,
the way he sways and lays, fluctuates in waves—
a melody profound.
I feel as though the rain would not say the same for me, I weep and I admire—
a sorrowful sight..
he’d observe through blue stains worried and confused— “do I bring him peace, or worsen his mood ?”
These are a few elements which aid in my loneliness,
they drip down the cracks in my mind—moisturising my soil.
New, positive thoughts fuse, and the seeds I planted begin to bloom.
Still—
Is my Mind
For a moment im at peace, drifting with the way of the world,
with thoughts clouded—
yet my ears hear well,
a divine melody—like a blue lagoon.
I’ve returned.
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u/BrilliantRuin2414 7h ago
I really enjoyed your imagery. It’s almost peaceful with a sad undertone. The second part really makes the reader think about that sadness and creates a bridge to tie everything together. The last stanza really stays with me. It’s very balanced. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
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u/fablestillawake 5h ago
The strongest move here is giving the rain a point of view. Most poems about weather use it as a backdrop or a metaphor, but yours has the rain looking back at the speaker and wondering whether it helps or hurts. That reversal, the weather worrying about you, is genuinely original and it earns the whole poem.
"Drip down the cracks in my mind, moisturising my soil" is the best image. The crack is the wound and the moisture is the healing and they come through the same opening. That is a real insight about how comfort works, and it does not need the poem to explain it.
Where I would push: the opening couplet (bloom/soon) and the closing lagoon feel like they are reaching for a prettiness the rest of the poem does not need. The raw middle, where the rain has feelings and the speaker weeps while admiring, is where your voice is most itself. Trust that voice more. The poem is strongest when it is uncertain and messy, not when it resolves into neat images.
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