Iām coming back to skateboarding after about two years and Iām so anxious. Iām anxious about getting hurt, and how much it would cost and what if I couldnāt work? Iām anxious about the way it sucks me in and I feel like less of a person and more of a skater, like Iām abnormal and the ānormalā(non-skater) people around me donāt understand what itās like. Iām anxious that Iāll fall into the old pattern of comparing myself and being hard on myself when I donāt land what I want. Day 1 was Friday and I was already getting those compliments again you know youāre only getting because youāre a girl in skateboarding, not because of the work you put in and it ends up feeling condescending. God condescending is the word Iāve been looking for. Iām anxious about the creepy men. Iām anxious about how even though Iām in ATL, I havenāt met any girls to skate with:/ Iām more self conscious of my age at the skatepark than Iāve ever felt before. Part of me wonders if this relationship between me and skateboarding is toxic and i need the toxicity to live. Iām anxious thinking about the people I used to know at the parks I used to skate and if Iāll see them again and if theyāll remember me as all the mistakes I made as a stupid 20 yr old. Part of me never wants to see them again so I can run away from myself and part of me just misses them so much the parks arenāt the same without them.
At the same time, Iām so excited. Iām so happy to be back out there, Iāve been so isolated and sad since I stopped. Skating is my only exercise, my social interaction, my favorite hobby. I stay awake at night again thinking about what I might try next. And to be honest, I was never good at anything until I started skating and it feels like such a shame to throw that all away, but I also couldnāt handle the pressure I felt from those around me. Like it is wood with wheels! If I want your advice and suggestions Iāll askšI just have so many feelings, itās like I want the part of my life back but I donāt want it to become my life again if that makes sense.
Anyways does anyone else relate?
Also if thereās a meetup in atl area lmk:) I promise I probably wonāt be such a ball of anxiety irl I just needed a rant