r/StopSpeeding • u/AggressiveRow8725 • 6d ago
Self-Post/Vent I am so disappointed in myself
In the past 48 hours I took 660mg of vyvanse and I done nothing but watch porn and masturbate. I am physically okay, I didn’t even feel my heart racing or any physical negative side effect probably because I am a bodybuilder and athlete and I do take cardio and heart health seriously. But I do know I did place an unnecessary amount of cardiovascular strain.
This is my 2nd time ever stimfapping. After the first time I said I would never do it again and here I am.
I don’t have any addiction to stimulants but I do have a crazy addiction to porn, and combining both just makes it crazy dangerous. I first came across porn when I was 12 and ever since then I couldn’t stop watching it. I also have an insanely high libido. There are some days especially during Covid where I was masturbating 9-12 times a day.
This habit is unfortunately deeply rooted in my life. I really want to quit this before it ruins my life.
I am writing this to vent but I am also asking for advice or anecdotes from other people to go about quitting.
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u/kneegrowbehellafaded 6d ago
Bro I understand completely. You said it's your second time, walk away bro. Get out while you can. This shit will strip all motivation you have for bodybuilding. Look in the mirror man, all that work you put into your body, gone in a flash. One weekend, turns into bi daily, turns into everyday, then it's like, you look in the mirror and see a deflated version of yourself. You could've sworn it was only a couple weeks off the gym, month at most, you look at the calendar when you last went, 6 months ago. The next immediate thought is "what the fuck am I doing?".
It's the truth man thats my exact experience, multiple times. It gets crazier Everytime hahaha. I love lifting and id never thought I would stop lifting for any reason, I was so hooked, 7+ years straight, but stimfapping has a crazy way of becoming the only thing you look forward to. It's literally dopamine-release maxxing, it's so good, that it's the worst.
Get a support network, and hit them up when you feel any craving of some sort, that shit passes bro. You're lucky man, you can get out right before it becomes a real issue. You don't want the consequences, it's like a real life nightmare. The closest thing to an IRL nightmare is when you're gacked out from the night before, no sleep, and walk into a place where everyone knows you and doesn't think you do that kinda stuff, and you're pretending to act normal. Dude, not only is that one of the worst feelings in general, imagine your skin is like crawling with anxiety, and you're sensitive af because youve just nuked all your dopamine, all while anxiously scanning everyones reactions to you to see if you can spot any sign that they notice you're the fried egg from the dare commercial. I mean it's also wicked depressing to lose everything because you want to take drugs and stick stuff up your ass and violently masturbate for days on end while watching futa-furry Albanian Roblox porn. I'm only speaking from experience. Everything else, not the porn tho. That's usually trans porn.
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u/doctorvyvanse Fresh Account 5d ago
Perfectly said. Especially the part about feeling anxious in public. I don't miss that
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u/thelastrealone94 5d ago
What’s crazy is after I decide to take a break from stimulants like addy or vyvanse, about 2 weeks in I’m like wtf was I even doing or thinking?
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u/Complete_Leg_6902 5d ago
Every time, and then months go by and you forget why it sucked and only remember why it felt amazing… crazy how the brain works!
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u/AggressiveRow8725 5d ago
Thank u for the advice. I am going to cut off my supply. I am currently withdrawing and I feel awful. I am very regretful of my actions. I don’t know what had gotten into me during that moment.
Nevertheless I am going to cut my supply, as I know I would tell myself I wouldn’t do it again but as soon as my prescription would renew I know I am going to abuse it. And even if I don’t end up binging again, this shit just enables me to masturbate.
I don’t feel proud when I say this but even when I take my prescribed dosage a voice in my head just tells me “wait 3 hours until it peaks then jerk off”. Am I just living to jerk off? I am ashamed of this. This medication aided my life when I was taking this properly but unfortunately it is now more ruining my life.
It is sad that I will leave this medication behind. At my prescribed dosage it aided with confidence and my social anxiety as well, but I guess for some people this won’t work for them in the long run.
Do u have any advice for the withdrawals, I am currently going through it. I feel so depressed, overwhelmed by regret. I feel completely anhedonic right now. I am writing this 36 hours since the last dose.
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u/kneegrowbehellafaded 5d ago edited 5d ago
Dude it's okay man, you want better for yourself, and you're asking for help, which is miles better than you were doing before. Don't beat yourself up towards another relapse, Especially in such a sensitive state. It's all accumulative steps towards the end goal. Just keep going, even if it's one micro step, KEEP IT UP BRO. NOW IS THE TIME TO RALLY. WE LOVE YOU. Dude you have the motivation, the will power, and the drive. I know you do, I mean look in the mirror. (I've never actually seen you but I believe you lol) I relate so much to your story. Dude it actually hurts how much I relate hahaha, I literally feel like I'm talking to a past version of me.
Dude, I'm glad you mentioned that it does in fact help you. Ive told myself that same thing hundreds of times, and that same thought process has kept me locked in the cycle forever. Imma be honest, I've literally relapsed just to get my room clean, but you know what I did immediately after? 🫣 And if i managed not to, I use that one rare occurrence to justify another 100 times of amphetamine. Hell if it didn't help, you'd probably have thrown it away months ago. Seriously ADHD is a blessing and curse, especially when the cure itself can become its own curse. Dude I promise you, like someone else said, once you walk away from this shit, you'll realize how delusional you were. I'll speak for myself, Ive actually justified years of abuse cause I cleaned my room a few times. Plus, how many times have I cleaned my room, then to be like "ah okay all done, now time to fuck it all up by being a lunatic on drugs". It's all one big illusion.
Man, stimulant withdrawal does suck, but thank da Lord it's one the easiest of the hard drugs. I would say just face it with no remedies. Head on. Do you want to stop? I had to change all behaviors and thinking, which comes back to the support group. Our brains lie to us. We need someone else to tell us when that's happening. In my experience, when I soften the blow of the consequences, it gives me no real reason to stop. If I remedy the one thing that creates the change, uncomfortability, then why would I? You want to look back and literally shudder. Humans can be stubborn, it's usually the worst possible thing has to happen before they stop. Don't let that be your story. Listen to someone whos done the whole thing already.
The beautiful thing is you never have to to this alone. Look, when you reached out, people have come to listen and give their shared experiences. Get connected. You are in prime position for change, find people who can lead you toward success, like here, or any other recovery safe space. Let yourself be vulnerable with people you trust, people like us, need each other. Together, ape strong. Hahaha. I don't know you, but I care. Never be afraid to reach out to me in DMs, or anyone. I literally live to meet/listen/care/help people. Dude even me helping you right now, helps me so much, you don't even understand. (Not yet, at least ;) )
Good luck man, we are all here for you.
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u/_axeman_ 6d ago
Don't try coke or meth
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u/Complete_Leg_6902 5d ago
Meth will have you stim fapping for 12 hours straight while your wife home lol
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u/ChillyCharlie-xc 366 days 6d ago
Yeah man - that is some seriously addictive stuff. I don't even know how much formal research there is on this specifically.
It's good you're not completely engulfed in this yet. Trust me it only gets worse.
If you're prescribed vyvanse I'd recommend speaking to your prescriber and tell them you've been abusing it. My personal belief is that nothing would stop me abusing and so cancelling all my access to stimulants was essential. If you're getting it from a dealer, lose their number. If from a loved one, tell them.
I'd also consider finding a 12 step or other type of recovery meeting. It's never too early to get into recovery.
If shame, guilt and remorse were enough to keep us from abusing drugs, we wouldn't need rehabs and recovery programs.
You just can't take this seriously enough.
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u/doctorvyvanse Fresh Account 5d ago
Bro you need help... Like yesterday. I saw that you've previously posted about a weed and porn addiction.
I was the same.. extremely athletic and fit (although unlike you, I dont use exogenous testosterone & steroids), and yet I had suffered a medical emergency. The body is amazing at coping with physical stress, until it "falls off a cliff" and you end up in hospital. Especially in younger people, their body can mask illness well.
Since this is your second time, GET OUT NOW!!!! You're young and have your entire life ahead of you. Imo it's miles easier getting help, than trying to muscle through it alone. Shame and regret loves to keep us trapped alone, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Please cut off your supply and get alone
(Sidenote: supplements for motivation are just that. Only YOU have the power to get out and do stuff. There are no magical pills)
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u/AggressiveRow8725 5d ago
Thank u for ur advice. I am going to cut my prescription.
I have read your story and I must say that it’s the exact same thing I am going through as I am also studying for med school. May I ask if u also did binges similar to this? How did u deal with the withdrawals? As I am currently going through it.
It’s been around 3.5 months since I have done cannabis but I must say that stimulants are a whole different beast when it comes fapping. Nevertheless being cannabis free really is good.
I had good intentions when hopping on vyvanse as I wanted it to aid my life especially in school, but I guess this medication is not for everyone.
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u/doctorvyvanse Fresh Account 4d ago
I had similar binges. Each time ended in feeling like the lowest, dirtiest scum of society. A waste of space. A loser deserving of nothing. You get my drift. I initially muscled through those feelings alone, then I sought help and started to speaking to people about it. It was comforting knowing others had through this, and they have solid advice. The most common being.. stop taking stimulants now! You're smarter than you think, especially if you've been accepted into medical school.
Cannabis addiction is probably the worst, because you're unaware that it's slowly zapping your motivation. That was one of harder addictions I overcame. I hope you stay cannabis free :) you certainly won't function well as a doctor if you're still consuming it.
I had similar, genuine intentions too. But I'm much happier and competent functioning at my natural level :D
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u/fxcker 5d ago
As someone with personal experience from this..
If you can’t stop, tell your doctor. They will pull your prescription and you won’t have access to doing that.
Never try coke. It’s even worse, it’s more normalized in bar situations these days, cost more money and will ruin your fucking life. Definitely never try meth. It’s worse than the first two.
You still have time to get out of this. You’re honestly in a really good place recognizing it this fast. You’ll be OK, as long as you take it seriously and stop now.
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u/IcyDescription4357 4d ago
Hey man i gotta say this, ive been doing meth for about 7 years and the stim fapping is a major major trap , like i dont even know if i would have been doing meth this long if it werent for the stim fapping , know what i mean? stop now while you can man, i dont know what else to say .
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u/StupidOgre_ 5d ago
get NAC and see if it helps with cravings, much easier to stop if the cravings are milder
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u/AutumnTheAutist In Recovery 4d ago
Please just stop and never look back.
Vyvanse addiction ruined 4 years of my life, wrecked my neurochemistry long term and nearly killed me.
I did multiple binges a month staying awake for 3-4 days at a time masturbating taking doses of anywhere from 600-1400mg per binge, with it getting higher near the end.
It has taken me months and months of being off that shit to recover any semblance of functionality at all and I'm still cooked tbh, although I'm doing better.
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u/thaithaipoppetje17 4d ago
Hey man, please stop before it's too late. Recognise what are your triggers to watch porn and take a lethal dose of Vyvanse, I hope you get help for your addiction. Maybe in regards to your libido it would be nice to get into the wild and start dating or actively pursue a relationship. Vyvanse isn't worth it, not in the short or long-term. Your heart is already enlarged, so you're lucky you're still alive. Try to block porn where you can and if you really feel the need to do it, do it by imagination. And quit vyvanse, it's not easy, but it is worth it, hope you can take a sick week off and recover and find a healthy coping mechanism.
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6d ago
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u/tbtb_ 5d ago
Yeah mods this one should be a ban
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u/HotInspection5675 5d ago
wow ban huh, for asking what’s the problem? sensitive bunch
how do u guys make it through real life tho?
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