r/Swingers • u/Curious480couple 47M/49F Couple - AZ • 3d ago
General Discussion MFM help, please
A little background: my wife (49F) and I (47M) have been in the LS a little over 2 1/2 yrs. She loves playing with girls. I'm straight. Our typical dynamic is playing with other couples or group parties. We've FFMed a few times.
She's played with two or three guys at a time at parties or whatever, but it's always with other women around. We've never done a straight MFM. I think it's hot when she's with multiple guys, but seeing her with one other guy doesn't get me off. It doesn't bother me, but it doesn't excite me either. I also kind of think, what's in it for me in a MFM? I know it's selfish, but with FFM, we *both* get to play with someone else. Not true with MFM.
So, yes, the opportunity is presenting itself tonight. A couple who are LS friends of ours is asking us to take the guy out for a date because the wife just had surgery and he's been waiting on her hand and foot. She'd love for him to get out of the house. She told us that they're just fine with a vanilla date, but she also said that she'd think it's hot if we played with him (she kind of implied that was their hope for the night).
I'm a little stuck. I'm a little uncomfortable just saying yes outright. I suggested taking him to an LS club that way we have some options and if the MFM came out of it, then okay. My wife is afraid that that would just predetermine what the night would be if we go to a LS club and she'd prefer it to happen organically if it's going to happen. She's also concerned that we'd run into people that are friend of the other couple and us and that they'd want us to play with them (yes, I know, we can always say no).
She's being great and saying that she's fine with just a vanilla thing, but I know she'd love it and I feel bad bombing the whole thing because of my apprehension.
HELP! Guys, have you been in a similar situation? What did you do? How did it turn out?
Am I being a stick in the mud? I think I'm allowed to set my own boundaries and parameters if we do this, but it is a little frustrating that my wife is shutting down any comprimise outright, although I do understand her perspective.
Any thoughts or advice?
Thanks for staying with me through my musings here! Any comments at all are appreciated!
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u/thelatinos 3d ago
If you are very uncomfortable talk to your wife and cancel the date before you do something you might regret
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u/Itchy-Inspector-5458 3d ago
Well, I love to do MFM+s with my wife though we love MFMF and group situations of all kinds too. She is just so hot in those situations and I love it. Pleasing her is sexy to me.
You don't actually mention if this is a fantasy for her or not (though she has played with multiple guys in larger groups situations). But it you don't like it and she isn't hot for it, why push it?
Why don't you guys leave it on the table: talk to her about it and her interest as well as your concerns. Sounds like tonight is as good a chance as you'll ever have to "organically" pursue things if it feels right. Maybe it feels right maybe it doesn't. But you know this guy already, you know he open to it if you're feeling it but ok with a vanilla "date" too. Go out to dinner and see how you feel. It's a safe space
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u/Curious480couple 47M/49F Couple - AZ 3d ago
"Fantasy"? She's never said so. Does she like more than one dick at once? Absolutely lol. I did ask her her thoughts and what she wanted. She did say that she thought it'd be hot. And I know for sure he'd be up for it đ
Letting it play out organically is a good idea. Maybe I can ask her if she'd be open to the club as well if that happened organically đ¤
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u/platypusbelly 3d ago edited 3d ago
It seems like compersion doesnât really get you aroused, and thatâs okay.
But do you think dp would be a thing youâd want to try? If so, youâve got a perfect opportunity.
You could also always think of it like youâre doing something to make your wife happy. I think in this case itâs less of aâ taking one for the teamâ because as youâve mentioned, you watching her with another guy doesnât really bother you. So you could call it similar to going to your wifeâs favorite restaurant that you think is just alright. You go because it makes her happy, and you still get something to eat, too. Youâre not doing it for you, youâre doing it for her.
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u/machiavel5507 3d ago
Compersion is a feeling of happiness for your partner enjoying intimacy with someone not you. It's not sexual arousal, it's a joyful, warm fuzzy feeling.....sexual arousal is very complex.
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u/Curious480couple 47M/49F Couple - AZ 3d ago
Thanks. That's definitely one way to look at it. As much as I love seeing her get off, this has always been a thing for "us". I guess that's part of it. This doesn't feel like it's for "us". I'm sure at least part of this selfish on my part too, not having anyone else to play with. I think your suggestion could help me get over that part at least.
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u/NerdynaughtyNJ 3d ago
Does your wife want the MFM with this guy or no? Itâs a little unclear to me from what youâve written. If sheâs shutting down taking him to the club it seems like maybe sheâs not into it.
Iâm a bi woman who loves FFM but Iâm not gonna lie I think Iâd be a little salty if me husband looked at an MFM scenario (after having done many FFMs) and said âwhatâs in it for me?â The thing in it for you is getting to have sex with your sexy wife in a way thatâs fun and exciting for her because you like making her feel good?
Thatâs only if she actually wants it though.
I personally like MFM probably more than any other configuration. I consider myself very bi but I think in FFM thereâs always at least some time that Iâm a little sidelined and even the most prolific guy canât typically cum twice in immediate progression the way many women can so he inherently has to kind of âpickâ who gets that.
But that doesnât mean I want MFM with every guy and if it was a couple where typically we played with them as a couple I might have some trepidation about changing that dynamic.
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u/Curious480couple 47M/49F Couple - AZ 3d ago
Yeah, my wife would totally be down for it. I don't know if it's a "fantasy" necessarily but she loves having more than one dick to play with at once. We talked about to today and she did say that she'd enjoy it. With the club, she feels weird about taking a guy out specifically fuck him. As sexually liberated as we are, she's still a little weird about this little hobby of ours. I think if it happens organically, she can at least tell herself that she didn't plan this.
I appreciate your feedback and I do feel like I am being a little selfish here. I just have a hard time drawing the line between "don't be selfish" and "my comfort level is relevant too"
We have friends that throw parties who always emphasize "enthusiastic consent". I definitely don't feel like I there yet...
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u/NerdynaughtyNJ 2d ago
Yeah enthusiastic consent is definitely important, and I honestly wouldnât want my husband doing it if he wasnât feeling good about it, I wouldnât be able to enjoy myself if I knew he was actively uncomfortable or not enjoying himself.
âŚbut you seemingly have seen your wife with other men before and go to clubs/parties before, have group sex with her etc so itâs curious to me why this is a hesitancy for you. And it sounds like itâs MFM more generally and not just this guy specifically?
Part of what makes me feel safe/comfortable swinging with my husband period is knowing that even if we donât do anything else we have loads of fun playing with just each other and itâs important to me to know that just being with me and having a sexy adventure with me is still very appealing to him. In the case of a straight MFM thatâs really what it is for the men, theyâre each engaging with and focused on me, not really with each other other than being co-conspirators/collaborators/team mates in my pleasure.
Iâm not saying anyone has to get turned on by specifically sharing a partner or seeing them with someone else, you like what you like and donât have to change that. But I think for me if my husband was ok with FFM but not ok with MFM that would kind of make me feel like he couldnât just enjoy/support my pleasure or see the value in the part of it where he was having sex with me as value in its own right, like I wasnât enough for him? And perhaps like I was doing the work a bit emotionally that he wasnât willing to match my energy on.
After all guys in an MFM still very much get to enjoy a lot of what I assume are rather fun things for them (Blowjobs! sex!) itâs not like youâre just sitting on the side watching.
At any rate, sounds like you and your wife have a good collaboration and will be fine wherever you landed! But yeah maybe sit with it a little bit and think about where thatâs coming from for you as it might be worth considering more and talking with her about it more in the future. She might be totally fine with never doing it! But Iâd imagine you wouldnât want her feeling kind of quietly resentful if she did want to try it and you couldnât find a way to support her in that if itâs something where she would do the same for you if the roles were reversed.
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u/Curious480couple 47M/49F Couple - AZ 2d ago
I really appreciate your comments. I think you looked at this very reasonably and could see the nuance in my feelings. We ended up going out and letting the night take us where it may. We did end up back at our house and had sex for a couple of hours. I was fine with everything that went down. I'll post a little more detailed update later.
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u/Windbag1980 3d ago
Well, as a man I get it, but I would take one for the team.
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u/tomlogit 1d ago
Never, ever "take one for the team" in LS! Never. There are too many emotions at stake.
The rule is simple: only do things you both enjoy. So both can say "no" without the other should even feel any disappointment at all. Because it's about you as a couple at all times!
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u/SampsonShrill 3d ago
Well, sounds like your wife wants to just go out and see what happens. And well, what's wrong with that? Sometimes in this discussion everyone wants to talk, talk, talk and plan, plan, plan, but part of the fun is just seeing what might happen. Everyone has said they are fine with a vanilla date, even if they hope for something more. That's what lots of dates are like. Maybe just go one one and see how it goes?
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u/CamelCurious8269 1d ago
You would be giving him a night out away from caretaking. Just play it by ear. Either way is a good thing!
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u/canonetell66 3d ago
So your wife wouldnât enjoy blowing you while he fucks her hard? Or, sitting on your cock while he cums in her mouth?
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u/curiousdevianttx 3d ago
We did this for a similar reason. Played with the husband while his wife was postop and had discussed that sometime later there would be a reciprocal swap with the wife once she was healed. It was not expected, but they had brought it up and we said sure. We then moved further away and havenât seen either of them since. Itâs very unlikely that we will ever get that trade, but itâs a risk we knowingly took and didnât particularly care that much about because we liked them both.
FWIW, I never had the desire to have a man join us for MFM, however after almost 2 years, there has been a man or two that Iâd be interested in doing that with. Itâs definitely not my husbands thing, and Iâm bi so a female or couple offers me more opportunity, but if I really wanted to do it, my husband would probably oblige as long as he got a say in who the man was.
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u/Dense-Region-6382 Couple 3d ago
We are bi and do mmf and mfm alot. If I were straight I would just do a spot roast, one guy fucks while the other is getting sucked, you rotate fucking / getting sucked. That way you wouldn't make contact and both enjoy the situation. It is good fun for everyone, just try it and have an open mind, we love it.