"Pride and Prejudice is like Love Island if it were haughty."

We use the correct names for body parts with our kids. It's a body safety thing. We've always done it.

Anyway, we are trying to potty-train my almost-3 yo, and we've had a few discussions about how her butt is in the back and the front is her vulva.

Just now she was telling me that I was pinching her "fufa" as I was putting the cloth diaper on. It took a long moment to realize she was saying vulva. I was not pinching it, I was covering it because she's been running around the house like a naked hooligan.

Anyway, I know how important anatomy names are, but I love this accidental nickname for her privates. I'm also glad she understands that her butt and her vulva are not the same.

She did some drawings in the front yard with colored chalk. She loved it. This morning I accidentally washed those away while watering the plants. The moment i realised it, my soul left my body for a minute. I am not even kidding.

She would put this under the blasphemy bucket and not in the 'mistakes happen, be careful next time' bucket. I am afraid she would use every tactic my wife and I have ever used back on me.

How can a 5-year-old tiny human be so scary? It was great knowing all of you.

I try to answer these questions honestly so I said it was a challenge at first as I struggled to adapt to the new life, but now it’s clear that it’s made me a better person and yes I am glad.

She thought for a moment and replied with, “oh you mean now you’re a better person than mom”

I was quick to say, “that’s definitely not what I mean please never say I said that!!”
I’ve never been so quick to correct a child 😂

“Are you going to fight the gym leader?” He asked

(He’s joking, but I thought it was funny)

She refers to her mom as your wife when she is unhappy with something. Makes me chuckle every time.

my 3 year old was sitting on my lap. she farted on me. i said " did you just fart on me??" and she said "no i burped" and i said "that wasnt a burp!" and she said "NO MOMMY! THAT WAS A BURP!" and we went in this circle, i explained it burps come out of her mouth blah blah and then she lectured: "no mommy, tiny farts are burps." and i replied " oh. ok honey. youre right"

My daughter has said several very funny things when she was little.

"Your whiskers are getting old" my beard was starting to gray.

Pictures taken w my phone were "phonetos"

I always called her "my sweetheart" when she was little.

My dad asked how my sweetheart was(referring to a woman i was dating at the time) and my girl looked up and said "Im daddy's sweetheart! '

I sure do miss that little girl. Shes 17 now.

My 20-month-old (referred to as Baby) walked into the kitchen and said to my husband "DADA, Mama want pizza! Mama want pizza. Yeah. Dada make it."

I could hear him. I knew I hadn't asked for pizza. But I wanted to see how it would play out.

Dada and Baby made pizza. And we all really enjoyed it.

Everyone should have a pizza advocate. 🍕

For YEARS my sons have each mispronounced this animal’s name in unique, hilariously consistent ways. We have all tried correcting them to no avail.

Older son, currently 7.5, late speaker: Octopiss

Younger son, 5.5: Hotpuss

Listening to the two of them talk about an octopus sounds like the wrongest, raunchiest thing.

Five year-old son, distraught because his seven year-old brother ripped a handmade Christmas ornament he had made off the wall of his bedroom:
“Why did you do that? It was mine!”

Seven year-old brother:
“Because it was trash! It had been on your wall for too long!”

Mother, interjecting:
“Older brother, it’s not right to take things off younger brother’s wall and destroy them.”

Seven year-old, shrieking indignantly: “Nothing lasts forever. Not even us!”

Then he runs out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Mother and younger son giggle uncontrollably.

She is just 5. Throughout the day she keeps asking questions like
-Do other kids get scolded as much as i do

- Are other kids able to finish everything on their plate

- Are other kids more happy or less happy than me when they go to swimming class

Neither my wife nor I are really competitive. We keep explaining to her that this does not matter. But she still wants to focus on this. Its not really serious since she is playful when asking and most likely our response does not even change her mood. She simply wants to know.

Is this normal? What are some things that kids like to compare with their friends?

This morning as I was leaving for work my 2 year old son came up to me and said “fuck you!”

I immediately was like oh my god I said “fuck” too many times around him he’s gonna go to daycare and say it and I’m gonna get a phone call

He proceeds to say it three more times and I’m like ok wait buddy where did you hear that

He then walks up to the vacuum and points and says “fuck-yoom!”

😂cue the relieved sigh and the laughter and the vow to work on the v sound a little more

Basically the kind of conversation you overheard or have with a kid where you’re like “You are so cute but STUPID shut up.”

Examples from me:

1. Large age gap between me and my siblings. My sister was around 5-6 so can form coherent sentences. She started yelling loudly about how she saw a pregnant woman on TV having a baby and “MAMA did you know she had so much blood coming out from her peepee place?!?! And she screamed so much!” We’re trying to distract her and change the topic and she gets frustrated and doubles down like HEY STUPID I know what I saw! And she starts pointing down there and says “That is where the blood came out from!!!!!” I’m not sure if what she said / did was funnier than our very traditional conservative mother’s reaction, getting very embarrassed and her face getting red. Our conversation afterwards was basically what on earth are they watching on TV and how is the nanny not supervising this?!

2. My other sister was in a waiting room with us at a clinic. Walks up to us pinching her nose and points at a man and says “MAMA fat black man stinky.” Tried to slap her hand to stop pointing but of course it was winding her up and she doubled down. Her attitude was basically like “Tell stupid to go take a bath.”

3. A friend told me her 4 year old niece grew up in Northern England and there was some family trip to the beach or whatever, they decide to get ice cream, she wouldn’t stop staring at a black man in the shop. “Mummy why is he so dark?” they try to change the topic and she points at him “BUT NO MUMMY LOOK he is so black!” try to ask her what ice cream she wants “NO BUT TELL ME WHY!!!! He doesn’t look like us!!!!” The more they tried to distract the baby the more racist her comments got. They eventually had to get her out of the shop LOL.

I had been on my laptop all morning working while minding the twins (6 yrs). My eyes were strained and I took my glasses off and was cleaning them when the home phone rang. My son was doing some colouring at the table within reach of the phone, so I asked him to answer it. The conversation went thus:

Son - Hello

Son - No Mummy's not here

Son - At the shops

Son - Yes....... But he's cleaning his testicles

Me (shouting) SPECTACLES! They're called spectacles. Gimme the phone.

All I could hear for nearly a minute was uncontrolled laughter on the phone.

My daughter (8F) did a long division problem on her own and got it right so I said, “tell that math who’s your Daddy!” And she leaned over and said, “My Dad’s Garret” into her math book 🤣

My 20-month-old (I'll refer to as baby) asked my husband for a purple popsicle today.

Baby, happy eating his popsicle, says "Baby like purple popsicle. Mama like blue?"

I said, "yeah I like blue."

Baby said, "DADA, Mama like blue one! Dada, GET IT!"

Not my kid but boy this made my day...

Was visiting Muckross House last week and while looking at Irish Wolfhounds, I saw a father explaining to his young son, maybe 4 or 5, how they are the oldest dog in Ireland. The kid looks up at his dad and says with absolute seriousness "if he's the the oldest, why isn't he dead?"

Was all I could do not to burst out laughing, the pure innocence of it 🥹

Mr 7 year old has been reading the Famous Five books and now occasionally says:

"Goodness gracious me!"

Grabbed some old Mechanix Illustrated magazines from the late 60s early 70s that my mom is getting rid of for my kids and their cousins to flip through. They were the kind of magazines that have cool futuristic looking cars and such on the cover. I thought they would enjoy them, but didn't think about the fact that the ads would be from the time the magazines came out...

6 year old: "Look mommy, this magazine has candy cigarettes in it!"

8 year old nephew: "Oooo, these ones have a better taste and less tar!"

Not mine, but still good:

My son said my father "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

Grandpa said, "Yeah, I guess, but why do you want me to?"

My son said, "'Cos Momma says we can all go to Florida when you croak!"

Getting breakfast with my husband and daughter, 9.
About 10 minutes after we were sat, one of my daughter’s friends from class and her family get seated at a table nearby.
My daughter asked to go sit with her friend. Her family agrees.
After we’re all done eating, the girls come running over to our table to ask if they can have a play date together. My daughter‘s friend says,
“My mom and her associate said it’s okay with them.”
Girls mom approaches our table to properly introduce herself.
“Hi, I’m Kate. And this is not my associate. She’s my wife.”
We all had a good laugh about it.