Hi all; I’ve been mulling over this for over a week now. I’m tired and looking for someone, anyone who might relate to my story.
I feel like I may be experiencing a pull towards individuation after leaving my country of origin at a very young age (17). My country is on the news and started a war with another country a few years back; I think you can guess which one that is.
Seven years ago, before the war and with my parents’ financial support, I moved to another country to pursue a bachelor’s degree and possibly stay. It was always the plan for me to leave, the plan that my parents had and I never particularly objected to, even though for a time I considered pursuing a psychological education in my country of origin, which was shunned by my parents and for that reason never considered further by me.
I really, really disliked my study, but enjoyed the freedom and independence that came with living abroad. I was not doing well mentally during COVID, and that was also when I realised that I hated my study, that I wanted to do more. But I was already half-way through; I confronted my parents and they shut down the discussion. I completed my study, graduated, and got a job at the place I interned. I enjoyed having a job and being able to provide for myself, covering all of my expenses. As a junior, the actual job part of it was also fine, but about two years ago I started growing tired and bored of it. Every year there would come a time when I would break down and have to take time off work; this year I went on full-out burnout leave.
All along, I was tied to this job as a visa requirement. Recently, I obtained the citizenship of the country I moved to, which freed me up a lot more, yet I feel no pull whatsoever to pursuing another job; it all feels equally dead to me. On my burnout leave, I had been trying to do various courses and do more creative things / hobbies I usually don’t have time of energy for. While I enjoy them and can produce quality works, it’s nowhere near enough for a sustainable life / job. I don’t speak the language of the country confidently enough to fully fit in or to have more job prospects, and I frankly have no desire to invest more energy into it than I already have.
Around a year ago, I started having doubts about my future in this country. I am currently visiting my parents in my country of origin and the doubts have increased tenfold. Not even the life conditions of my home country being pretty dire / unstable, having no connections other than family or just the danger of moving to a country at war stop me from having these considerations. Both options feel hopeless. I don’t want to give up what I spent so much time building, to return to a place that has very little to offer in terms of a stable, calm, healthy life. It terrifies me to think about it, quite frankly. Yet I have this conviction that, by moving young, I skipped a crucial part of development; that living an easier life abroad means I have to catch up on suffering and eating shit sooner or later, and I better do it sooner. With that, a lot of guilt for not being more persistent with my parents, feeling like I only recently developed a mind of my own, separate from theirs.
So there are two aspects; one, being genuinely unhappy / discontent where I live for very real reasons. Two, feeling like I have to make up for inaction earlier in life and suffer meaningfully this time, to self-actualise and integrate. All that with the backdrop of a country sliding further and further into crisis, and a country I have lived in for 7 years now but see no future in. It all feels like a huge mistake, and I’m not happy with / terrified of the seemingly only way out of it (moving back).
Honestly, just looking for someone with a similar experience / someone with immigration in their biography who has been through similar doubts and managed to integrate them without letting their life fall apart. I feel like I have exhausted my sources. Yes, I have a therapist. Some parts may have been written somewhat emotionally / with exaggeration; that’s only because I’ve been obsessing over this for the last hours and weeks, and am running on little sanity left over lol.
Thank you!!