r/Norwich • u/Ornery-Ad-4438 • 10h ago
Rum’un 🛸 Leaked DfT report - NORWICH BUS SERVICES
DfT Transport Inspectorate Re. Norwich Bus Service Annual Review – Final Report
Major problem identification and analysis:
Following the investment of millions of taxpayer pounds into the Fine City’s electrical buses and upgrading of bus lanes across the city, Norwich’s transport network has reached a new peak of efficiency, environmental standards and speed.
However, our analysis shows these gains are being rendered useless by lackadaisical and long-winded driver handovers on Castle Meadow. One user complained, “having flown past the traffic on the Newmarket Road we then waited ten minutes while our drivers examined the possible reasons that neither of them had been offered a b***-j** in lieu of payment on Atlantic Avenue.” Another passenger noted “My elderly mother fainted on the bus last week when the drivers turned off the air conditioning while they watched TikTok videos of XL bullies mauling goslings on the Wensum.”
The bus drivers’ guild has responded by saying it is vital that they have the opportunity to “reconnect with their colleagues and share tips on maximising passenger experience”. Our analysis suggests that to respect their wishes the council will have to spend £17 million to upgrade bus lanes to offset these “intersectional dialogue pauses”.
Further analysis shows that 7,000 man hours of passenger time are being wasted during these handovers daily – almost enough to keep Marriotts Way litter free or recover every shard of glass in the Queen of Iceni beer garden.
A complimentary study published by UEA’s Neuroscience department has conclusively disproved the existence of telepathy. In 293 observed events the simultaneous mental urging of an average of 53 bus passengers all silently willing the drivers to “stop talking about what the optimum levels of THC to make a shift go faster and drive the f****** bus” failed to increase the urgency of the handover in every case.
Two options are being studied to ameliorate the problem:
1) A similar problem in Jakarta was solved by installing a league table on the wall of the drivers rest area that detailed handover times, and telling the drivers that they should pretend to be F1 drivers doing pitstops. The driver with he fastest average handover time was awarded with a year’s supply of beta blockers, haemorrhoid cream and a pair of aviator sunglasses.
2) The DfT’s psychology unit suggested placing a photo of universally-loved Norwich podcaster and performance guru Jake Humphrey on the dashboard so that drivers feel comfortable offloading their conversational reserves in his sage and benevolent presence while driving instead of during handovers.
This analyst would like to conclude by both congratulating passengers refraining from violence, and questioning why anyone in Norwich is even in a rush in the first place.
