I’ve been dating/courting this girl for almost 3 years now.

And somehow, after all this time, we’re still not officially together.

Recently, she came home from an outing with her officemates. We saw each other after and I was excited to hear about it, so I kept asking her questions.

“Kumusta? Anong mga ganap niyo?”

She told me about getting drunk, helping some of her drunk friends, etc.

I teased her na muntik na akong magtampo kasi wala siyang masyadong updates compared sa usual. Then I jokingly asked kung may pumorma ba sa kanya doon.

She suddenly asked me:

“May nakaka-bother ba sa’yo?”

Sabi ko wala naman. Curious lang talaga ako and excited akong makinig sa stories niya. Sabi ko pa nga, mas magtaka siya kapag dumating yung araw na hindi na ako curious sa buhay niya.

Somehow, that turned into a much deeper conversation about us.

She told me that one of the reasons she still hasn’t made things official is because she doesn’t want to choose me simply because I treat her well.

She knows I take care of her. She knows I’ve been consistent. She knows I’ve been patient with her.

But according to her, it would feel unfair to say yes just because I’m good to her.

She told me:

“I like you.”

But she wants whatever she eventually feels for me to happen naturally. Ayaw niyang maging kami dahil lang feeling niya she owes me something after everything I’ve done for her.

And I understand that.

Mas gugustuhin ko rin naman na piliin niya ako because she genuinely wants me, not because she feels guilty or indebted to me.

But during the same conversation, I found out something that really caught me off guard.

Apparently, sometime before, while we were already dating, there was another guy she considered entertaining.

She wouldn’t tell me who he was or where she knew him from.

Technically, she didn’t cheat.

We’re not official.

And apparently it never became anything close to what we have.

But I won’t lie. Finding that out hurt.

Because although we didn’t have the label, somewhere along the way I had already chosen her.

And I realized that while I was already looking at her that way, at some point she was still open to the possibility of someone else.

She reassured me that right now, I’m the only person she likes.

And strangely enough, I believed her.

Eventually, I brought up the possibility of taking a break.

Maybe a month.

No dating. No expectations. Just live our own lives for a while and think about what we actually want.

Then after that, we decide whether we continue this and finally become a couple, or whether it’s time to stop dating.

If she genuinely isn’t ready for a committed relationship, I don’t want to pressure her into one.

But I also admitted something that probably defeats the purpose of a break.

I told her that knowing myself, break or no break, I’d probably still choose her afterward.

Her reaction basically came down to:

“Okay naman tayo.”

And that’s the problem.

We ARE okay.

After that conversation, nothing became cold.

We ate together. Nagkwentuhan. Nagtawanan. Same affection. Same lambing.

Before going to sleep, she even thanked me for being honest and understanding about her shortcomings.

She thanked me for being patient with her even though she knows napapagod at naiinis na rin ako minsan.

Then we exchanged our usual goodnight messages.

“Baby.”

“Pogi.”

The usual lambing.

And somehow, that made everything both better and worse.

Because this isn’t a situation where I’m chasing someone who doesn’t care about me.

She does.

Her family knows me. We see each other regularly. We’ve become physically intimate. We help each other with ordinary things. We’ve spent countless normal, boring days together that honestly feel more intimate to me than any fancy date.

In so many ways, we already behave like a couple.

Except we’re not one.

And I think that’s partly why I’ve stayed this long.

If she were cold or obviously uninterested, walking away would probably be easier.

But she’s affectionate. She cares about me. She tells me she likes me.

There’s something real between us.

She just can’t tell me that she wants me to be his boyfriend. Officially. May label.

And lately I’ve been realizing that maybe I need to pull back a little.

Not ghost her.

Not suddenly become cold.

Not play some stupid mind game para habulin niya ako.

I don’t want to punish her for being honest with me.

I just think I’ve spent so much of the last almost-three years pouring myself into this person that maybe some of that energy needs to go back to me.

I want to get healthier. Get physically stronger again. Fix my finances. Work on my career. Spend more time on things that have nothing to do with her.

Build a life that I’m proud of regardless of whether she eventually chooses me.

Maybe I’ll still love her.

Maybe we’ll still date.

Maybe I’ll still be the same person around her.

But I think I need to stop treating every act of love like another invisible point toward eventually becoming her boyfriend.

Because after almost three years, she already knows me.

She knows how I treat her.

She knows how serious I am.

There’s probably nothing left for me to prove.

Whatever she’s still trying to figure out isn’t something another date, another gift, another grand gesture, or another few months of me trying harder can necessarily solve.

And that’s probably the hardest thing for me to accept.

There really isn’t a villain here.

I don’t think she’s using me.

I don’t think she’s intentionally stringing me along.

And I don’t think she’s wrong for refusing to enter a relationship unless she genuinely wants it.

But I’m also starting to realize that I’m not wrong for wanting more than “I like you.”

Maybe two people can genuinely care about each other and still not want the same thing in the same way(?).

Everything between us still feels completely normal.

Hahatid ko pa rin siya sa office almost every Monday. We’ll probably see each other again next weekend.

We’ll probably laugh, eat, cuddle, talk about random shit, and act exactly like we always do.

And that’s the fucked up part.

*The relationship feels real.*

I just don’t know if it’s ever going to become the relationship I actually want.

Almost three years is a long time to exist somewhere between dating and being together.

And lately, there’s one question I can’t seem to get out of my head:

*How long can I keep choosing someone while waiting for them to decide if they want to choose me too?*

I don’t know the answer yet.

I just know that, for the first time in almost three years, I’m finally asking myself the question.

(Haha. Tang/*n/*. Wala eh. Ngayon lang talaga ko nagmahal nang ganto).

I (20M) accompanied my family to a Fiesta that is held yearly in our province. In these events, there is much merriment to be had - people would eat, converse with relatives that they haven't seen in months, and enjoy the community and the culture that has been built around this tradition.

If all's merry and happy, what do I find wrong with this tradition? Well, it's the way in which these people are attended to.

Right now, I have realized that for the vast majority of my life, laging mga Tita, Lola at Nanay ko lang ang tumutulong sa paghahanda. Why the fuck is this the case? Why is it that me, my uncles and my cousins get to have a day off, while these female figures of our family get even more work???

This realization has left me deeply ashamed, and ever since, lagi akong tumutulong sa kitchen kahit sa pagliligpit para naman maibsan yung trabaho ng mga Tita, Lola, at Nanay ko.

Surprisingly, also, laging tumutulong ang Tatay ko sa preparation ng Fiesta! Sobrang nakakaproud na wala syang pake sa gender norms, gusto niya lang talagang gumaan yung workload ni Nanay at ni Lola. Love you 'Tay, hahaha. Ang swerte ko at ikaw yung naging role model ko sa buhay.

As a bread winner, a single mom with a partner, happy 30th birthday to me.

No surprise. Just me, alone in the living room.

My partner was sleeping already with my son na may autism.

Happy birthday to me.

And now my question is, is this the type of birthday I'm looking forward to for the rest of my life?

Even if I was working non-stop since the pandemic.

Didn't I deserve kahit maliit na effort lang :(

Wala na HMO papa ko kasi I moved to a new job with bigger pay but no benefits at all. Willing naman ako mag avail HMO.

I inquired to 3 HMOs and informed my papa (early 50s, no illness), upon checking nya daw, he concluded that it feels like I’ll pay a package (same as corporate HMO sana for dependent) of 30k - 45k for ₱10,000 laboratory services LANG daw, it would feel like a bit of waste and why not spend laboratory services na lang daw when needed. Since umayaw papa ko, we agreed na lang na I’ll send them 2k per month, be it consultation, laboratory, or medicines.

Recently, na-kwento ng kapatid ko mahal na daw nagastos ng parents ko sa maintenance gamot umabot daw 5k.

The other day, I sent papa 2k na. Mom texted today, insisting na ayaw nya daw yung initiative kasi hindi daw sila yung ganun klaseng magulang, working pa rin naman daw sila both. I insisted na initiative ko yan kahit ano ipang spend for the/his health. Sabi wag na daw ako makulit, kaya pa naman daw nila. Hay..

I cried today because it feels like I’m rejected. I know some of you may say na ang swerte ko na may ganito kami magulang, I just want to open up here. Sana hindi ako makarinig eventually sa family o mga kapatid na hindi ako tumutulong if ever, kasi eto na nga initiative ko pero ayaw ng mama ko. Masakit lang to see them having a hard time paying bills tas recently nagkaroon gastos sa maintenance meds, tapos ayaw ni mama tanggapin… hay

2 decades of marriage...spouse asked asked me the question: "wala na ba tayong pag-asa?"

I said, "Wala na... pagod na pagod na ako."

That's it. That's how two decades quietly ended --- not with a fight, not with someone walking out, just an exhausted woman finally being honest herself.

We agreed to stay friends and be present parents to our kids. We're still under the same roof, still co-parenting, still civil --- just not "us" anymore in the way we used to be.

I told him I won't run after him, even if he goes and seeks relationships with men --- something he's struggled with throughout our marriage, something I used to make my problem to fix. Not anymore.

Honestly, I don't feel broken saying this. I feel tired in a different way now --- the kind of tired that comes after finally putting something down instead of carrying it. Malaking bagay pala yung marealize mo na okay lang mag-let go, even after so many years, even with kids involved, even when "wala na" feels like giving up pero sa totoo lang, parang paghinga na rin pala siya.

Sharing this as a way of my healing...sabi nga ni Angela Ken, "ako naman muna"

Failed relationships with partners, family, friends, and even co-workers have taught me that time is the ultimate truth teller. Sometimes, people don’t address their faults. They don’t acknowledge the wrong things they’ve done. They leave us to figure everything out on our own to connect the pieces, understand what happened, and make peace with questions they never had the courage to answer. But time has a way of revealing people for who they really are. Not through what they say, but through their patterns, their choices, and the way they handle the consequences of their actions.

Maybe that’s the hardest part, realizing that some people will never take accountability for the hurt they caused. And somehow, we are left carrying the weight of understanding everything they refused to explain. On nights like this, it hits me harder. I wish there were more nights when those memories didn’t visit me. Nights when I could simply exist without remembering the people, the disappointments, the things left unsaid, and the versions of myself that had to survive them.

I recently saw a post on fb about a girl having a dilemma because her fiancé jokingly said that his mother should live with them after.

And this hits me because I was in the same situation.
My husband is an only child to a single mother. My parents are in a long happy marriage and I am also an only child. So it is assumed that I will live with my husband and his mother after we get married. The house was built by my husband and everything is paid for by my husband. So before we got married I already told him my concern that I am not comfortable living with his mother but after assuring me that everything will be fine, I gave in.

Fast forward, we got married and on the morning when I first stayed at their house, his mother was banging at our door saying stuff at us because we were still asleep at 9am. This is my first day at their house so the night before we were fixing and cleaning our room. I let it go.

Then my husband was helping me wash the laundry and she saw it and made comments like “under the saya”. My husband and I already talked about this things like helping with chores etc.

Also, she was bad mouthing my father in front of me like saying she doesn’t like him etc and I never answered back.

She also bad mouths me to her family saying im lazy etc… maarte… etc. they even direct message me saying nasty stuff about me. I never answered back.

She and my husband would also quarrel and I would just hear them thinking I don’t want my child to grow up in a house like this.

Fast forward, almost every month there would be issues. I would just cry and my husband and I rarely spend our time at home. We would always make a reason for us to go out.

Then I got pregnant, but this still continues., the stress I would feel everytime. And crying because she’ll just yell nasty things making the neighbors hear her.

I do not know how to move in the house I am living in. I never considered it my house or my home because I always feel that it belongs to her.

So, to everyone saying that it won’t be a problem. It always will be. Because she’ll always feel entitled on everything and comfortable because that is her son and it is her house.

Everytime I remember the things they did to me I always cry.

God gave us a way out. An unexpected opportunity was given to us as a family to move out of the country and it has been a blessing.

Potato!

Apparently, when people find out you’re sick, there’s a required performance that comes with it.

You’re supposed to be weak.

You’re supposed to be in bed 24/7.

You’re supposed to look miserable.

You’re supposed to be in the hospital every other day.

And God forbid you’re still functioning. 😂

“ICU mo one day?”

“Di ka natubo?”

“Bakit ganyan treatment mo?”

“Sure ka diyan?”

“Bakit hindi ganito gawin ng doctor mo?”

PUSA. 😂

Sorry, may sakit ako, hindi ako nag-sign up for a reality show called “How Sick Can You Look?”

Hindi po ako required humiga buong araw para mapatunayan na may sakit ako.

Hindi rin ako pineperahan ng doktor para gumawa ng kung anu-anong treatment just so I can impress people with my hospital bill. Kalma. 😂

Somehow, people think if you're laughing, working, going out, eating, or posting a normal picture, suddenly you're not sick anymore.

Ah yes, because apparently serious llness comes with a facial expression requirement.

If I want treatment handled a certain way WITH my doctor, that's between me and my doctor.

If I can function today, thank God.

If tomorrow I can't, then I'll deal with that too.

Hindi porket hindi ako mukhang naghihingalo, ibig sabihin wala akong pinagdadaanan.

I’m sick. I’m not stupid. I’m not helpless. And I’m definitely not auditioning for the role of “Most Miserable Patient.”

Pusa talaga. 😂

my favorite coworker who left, she was the best. Our workplace was seriously toxic, but she was a ray of sunshine and so much fun. I wouldn't have survived without her. She even stood up for me when i was being bullied in the workplace.

She went through hell and decided to leave.

I miss us giggling together while working. Our elevator selfies. Hanging out after work and playing sports together.

I miss eating at 7/11 after work listening to her complain about her situationship while waiting for angkas.

She's sincerely one of the coolest people i know.

After leaving, we used to talk for a while after. But now she doesn’t message anymore and doesn't even open my messages. Never had a fight. i think she muted me.

I really do miss her and she’s so dear to me, but whenever we talk, While we talk about other things, like both having boyfriends from the same country, it somehow ends up about people we hate at work and how things are doing and still suck. It's been a year and i've never been close with coworkers again the same way i was with her.

She still views my stories, and i appreciate seeing her icon.

I understand how she’d want to keep her boundaries and peace. She got pregnant and has a new baby now, and i respect her protecting her energy.

i miss her dearly though, and understand, and always rooting for her.

Miss you little miss sunshine!

As young as 5 years old, I already witnessed my father cheating with our house helper. Little did I know that was the start of the nightmare that I'd be carrying until I was in my 30s.

My father is a good provider. He raised three daughters and sent them to good schools. I loved my dad, despite knowing how unfaithful he was to our family. Every night, I pray he'll change and leave all his mistresses—every damn night. But nothing happens.

My mother knows about the serial cheating. It even dates back to when they were still dating. She knew about it but still married him. She just turned a blind eye because he's been supporting us. As a young girl, I didn't know how bad the cheating was but I've witnessed my dad hitting and screaming at my mom. My childhood was composed of endless fights and suspicions. My mom had proof of the various instances of cheating but she never did anything because she was okay with it.

Through the years, I have witnessed my father continuously cheating. I have seen it with my own eyes. I have talked and fought with these women. I told my dad about this but he never did anything and took the side of these women. I was so hurt and from then on, I realized that I can never count on my father to protect me.

Then, the cheating issue became so big that it resulted in something. And even then, my father continued to live with us because he owns the house.

My sisters got involved with the issue too and we decided to fight for our rights and what is right. We had our father leave the house, much to the dismay of our mother, who was still supportive of our cheating father.

As the children, we feel so disrespected and unvalued. We just wanted to protect what we have and, of course, our mother, but she thinks we're in the wrong and became ungrateful children. She said that, despite the cheating, our father took care of us financially. She said we wouldn't be where we are now without him. Mind you, our family is not well off. We are not even rich. We still have debts. My mother insists that we should be thankful that even if he cheated, he still provided for us.

While I don't discredit what he provided for us, is this really the consequence of being his child? Am I supposed to just accept his infidelity to our family just because he was able to provide for us? If he were remorseful, I might, but I never saw him regret everything he did. He even told me that he doesn't need us or love us. He said he's better off alone. And what he said never left my mind.

Now this has become a topic among our family. We, the children who tried to fight for our rights, became the ungrateful and stupid children who cannot forgive their father, who gave them life. All of them were invalidating our feelings as the children who saw the issue firsthand. All of them were enablers and kept telling us that, as children, we have no right to disrespect our father just because he cheated. They kept telling us to forget the cheating because he was a good provider. In the end, we are the bad person. They hate us. No one's on our side.

My mother, who was on our side at first, turned her back on us. She's my father's number one enabler; that's why it became so big. My mother even told us that if we felt this way, we should've said something when we were kids. Not when we're adults. But as a kid, what do we know? I used to think having a cheating father was NORMAL. I thought everyone has to go through that because it's part of growing up. My mom said we shouldn't have said anything as adults because we had all the time as kids. But again, what do we know? Now, my mother is blaming us as well. All my mom wants is to be a "perfect" family again that she wants and show to other people that we have forgiven our cheating father.

I've been dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, and trauma because of what happened to our family. Every time my father gets near me, I get panic attacks. My mom does not understand this. She just said I'm being dramatic and should just accept that it will be like this.

Currently, our father does not live with us, but he's still on the property. We don't talk to him. Again, I get anxiety whenever I do. And because of this, people look at us like we're the bad people.

I get that most people will think that we are wrong. That as children, we should not be disrespectful. We are JUST their children and we have no say in anything else.

Do you believe in the eldest daughter curse of a cheating father? I have read this before but I did not believe it until my life fell apart, one by one. You see, I have been diagnosed with a rare disease that has made me unable to walk. Now, I'm in a wheelchair. It's pretty hard to get a job because I cannot go outside alone, so I always prefer a home-based job. The past 8 years have been hell for me. I have no savings because of endless bills and debts. And to add to that, I have been single since birth and became scared of commitment because of my father. I am convinced that all bad things are happening to me because of my father's wrongdoings. Well, I'm honestly partly relieved that among the three of us sisters, I'm the only one who's experiencing shit so I guess that's fine?

I know many will say to just move on and go forward. But that has been pretty hard to do because I have my trigger here with me. I know I'm supposed to forgive my father for my own sanity, but I honestly cannot do it now. My heart is still very much scarred and I cannot move past this as much as everyone wants.

My point for this post? I really just want to share my burden and show that it will never get easy. I'm a 31-year-old adult who still cannot forget all of my father's infidelity. I honestly want to heal, but I don't know the easiest way out of this trauma.

And if you ask me what I want? All I want is a hug from my mother while she tells me it's okay to deal with my anger now and that one day I will heal.

For context: I(25F) live with my boyfriend(25M) in a rented house here in the city, and their family's from out of town an hour away the city. nagka hip fracture lola nila and dito sa public city hospital na admit si lola. so my bf's ate decided na dito nalang muna uuwi instead of dun sa province kase isa sha sa magiging watcher sa lola nila. She brought her 3 y/o kid with her here sa house namin and they've been here for 2 weeks already.

so yun na nga, I knew na even before pa I got into my relationship that i dont ever wanna have kids. my bf knows that and he's okay with the fact and frankly he too, realized na ayaw nya din pala talaga after this.

So the past two weeks, kapag wala dito si ate ni bf (referred to as ate hereonafter) kami or mainly ako nagbabantay ang take care sa bata. ligo, kain, play, naptime, change diaper and everything in between. I understand why we have to do these, I geniunely know and understand how to take care of a kid. but she (the kid) is a bit spoiled and get extremely cranky when she doesnt get what she wants and SHE WANTS A LOT OF THINGS. So we have to give her anything she wants (as per her mom's request), then watch her do/eat what she wanted, then she'd ask for another thing that she wants so we'd have to get up again to get whatever she wants.

tapos the mess!!! toys here and there, misplaced essentials, things that arent put back where they came from. jusko. as a clean freak - nakaka drain! She's also a bit loud, and I get that; she's still just a kid at the end of the day. But, both my bf and I work at night and we go to school during the day, so we value our (little) sleep so much. but the past two weeks have been HELL. Even when her mom's here, kid still is allowed to just scream and shout whenever. we've been having the shittiest sleep lately and i am NOT a fan.

and GAAAAWWWDDD my personal space! I am a person who likes to have a bit of distance with ANY person - even my bf. But gosh kahit when I'm about to sleep, talon pa ng talon sa bed namin and natatamaan pa mga limbs ko when she lands on the bed. and kahit pupunta lang ng cr sasama pa tapos kakatok pa sa door tapos ayaw pa mag stop kahit pagsabihan mo.

look, I like to host for guests as much as the next person, but two weeks of this have just been so overstimulating and draining and I kinda just wanna kick them out already. Shempre, I'm not gonna act on it lol alam ko naman na temporary lang to hahahaha pero shet ayaw ko na.

Anyway, I just wrote this because I realized more so now than ever that this (mommy life) is not a life I'd ever want for myself but at the same time it made me realize how hard it is to be a mother. kudos sainyo.

4M Debt due to bad decision business failure investment feel like my decisions making is palyado na kaka hope na makauwi na ako agad sa pinas turns out mas mapapatagal pa pala ako sa mga nangyare.

Originally Nasa 1 million something lang utang ko pero kakatapal di ko namalayan na sobrang lumubo ng lumubo na and ff to now ganyang halaga na. Takot kasi ako malaman ng pamilya ko takot ako sa lahat. Ako yung kuya na role model mataas tingin ng lahat sakin Kaka ilag ko kaka takbo kakatapal hanggang sa ma check move na ako na yung monthly ko di na kaya ng mga utang po. Ngayon tumulong na fam ko sakin. Sobrang sakit din nakikitang pati sila naapektuhan sakin.

Now Im facing every lender lahat ng pinag kakautangan ko kung ano lang kaya ko ibigay. Pinangako ko sa sarili ko di na ako uutang ulit ewan ko bakit ngayon ko lang ma realize to. Sobrang nakakapagod na pero sana kayanin. Ilang beses na ako na post sa facebook. Na harass nasa sabihan na demonyo. Na insulto na maliit na tapak tapakan. Almost apat na buwan ng ganto. Lahat yan haharapin ko di ko alam kung may pag asa pa ba ako. Minsan napapaisip ka bakit ikaw bakit sayo nangyare to? Naging masama ba ako dati naging madamot ba ako as far as i know hindi naman. Pero isa lang hiling ko kay God. Sana maging healthy at madeliver ng partner ko si baby next month. Wala na ako iba pang hiling kung din yun lang. Sa lahat ng palyado ko sa buhay. Sa lahat ng pag hihirap at pag dudusa ko. Makita ko lang makalabas si Baby ng maayos masaya na ako.

Salamat sa pagpapa-rantt. God bless sa lahat ng kapwa kong baon sa utang. Hindi man pare-pareho ang situation natin, sana pare pareho tayong magkaroon ng lakas para harapin ang bawat araw. Gapang lang! 🙏

Recently, I got laid off from work and I started online selling my preloved clothes. Now, I decided mag ukay ang ibenta siya online. Today, sinamahan ako ng bf ko mag ukay. Ako naghahanap ng ibebenta siya naman naghahanap ng sapatos. Then, habang nag uukay ako tinawag niya ko kasi may sapatos daw siyang nakita 800 daw. So sinamahan ko siya, btw I’m from Iloilo, he is from Luzon naman kaya ako kumausap sa nagtitinda.

While checking the shoes sabi ko na una palang something is off, yung glue niya is parang di siya legit. Yung brand is Nike x Dior yata yun. Then aside from that parang di ako satisfied sa quality nung sapatos but then siya naman bibili sabi ko if happy siya dun go na niya. So binayaran niya agad, tinawaran ko at binigay naman samin ng 700.

Edi okay na, balik ukay na ko ulit. Then habang nag uukay ako, nag install siya ng site na nagchecheck if legit ba yung shoes. Then, sabi dun sa site fake raw. Sabi niya “okay lang”, then nung medyo pauwi na kami, parang dun siya panay check ng check, and nakita niya na yung shoes nagchichip off na yung paint. So sabi niya, papalitan nalang. Bumalik kami sa pinagbilhan and kinausap ko ulit. Sabi ko palitan nalang po. Eh kaso wala siya mahanap na pamalit kasi ayaw naman niya yung design. So sabi refund nalang daw. Sabi ko nahihiya ako magsabi pero ginawa ko parin inexplain ko dun sa kuya na i refund nalang at nagsorry nalang kami. At the same time, naawa ako dun sa nagbebenta kasi parang kami yung first customer niya, panay suggest siya ganon at ayaw ng bf ko yung design. Sabi ko, refund nalang po. At nag ask yung kuya na “600 daw i refund” pumayag na ako para makuha na agad yung pera at para na rin sa abala sa kanya kasi may mali rin kami sa part na di namin siya chineck.

Yung jowa ko naman, parang sinabi sakin na para san daw yung 100 na di binalik. Sinabi ko sa kanya na pumayag na ko para makuha na yung pera at kung di siya payag na bawasan ng 100 balikan ko nalang siya kako.

Gets ko naman na mahirap kumita ng pera at sakin malaking bagay na rin yung 100 kahit pamasahe namin pauwi pero I feel bad lang talaga kasi nga naabala and looks like kami yung unang customer for the day kaya pumayag na ko na bawasan ng 100 since mali rin kami sa part na di namin chineck ng mabuti at basta nalang nagbayad.

Mababaw ang luha ko kaya umiiyak ako nung pauwi kami ng bf ko. Dala na rin ng naawa ako kay kuya and parang nainis ako sa bf ko kasi di naman daw issue yung pera pero ganon siya magreact which I offered naman na bayaran yung 100. Idk, mali ba ko sa part na maaawain ako?

i feel like sobrang unfair ng mundo. we broke up officially last july, like no contact at all. ngayon she’s already soft launching her new girl. flexing on her x na ganito ganiyan. ang ganda raw, ang daming kayang gawin. sobra akong naiinsecure tbh. also, ang sakit kasi bakit ako stuck pa rin? ang bilis niya naman, sana ganoon din ako.

iniwan niya ako on a random day after telling me na aayusin namin lahat na naging sira sa relationship namin and then biglang isang araw binawi niya na naman lahat. sinukuan na naman relationship namin. nagbeg ako and all, pero pinili niya talaga ‘yung babaeng nagustuhan niya while fixing our relationship.

wala naman na rin akong plans pa na makipagbalikan pa kasi sobrang gulo ng relationship namin and nagkagusto na nga rin siya sa iba. it’s just nahihirapan akong tanggapin na bakit ang dali lang sa kaniya ng lahat at ako ito pa rin. walang araw na hindi ko pa rin iniisip at iniiyakan. basta, sobrang unfair kasi iniwan na nga niya ako on a random day tapos ang saya ng buhay niya ngayon.

ano ba pwede kong gawin? sabi nila hayaan ko raw na masaktan ako, iiyak ko lang, sa una lang daw pero hanggang kailan?

i tried naman din na bumalik sa hobbies ko like writing pero siya pa rin ang laman ng mga sulat ko. araw-araw halos akong nalabas, inuubos ko ‘yung 24 hrs ko para lang hindi ko siya maisip kahit man lang ilang minuto. ang sakit pa rin talaga.

i really don’t know what to do.

Nakakapagod mag hanap ng work tapos mrereject ka sa role na tingin mo ay "ako to eh". Gaganda pa ng sagot ko sa interview eh walang kaba, oks naman english ko.

10 years of experience, may certification pa, tapos from top to bottom ng job post ganon na ganon yung ginagawa ko sa current company. Tapos available ako immediately. Tangina

If yung job na "perfect fit" ako rejected ako pano pa kaya yung hindi msyado 🥲.

Lord please need ko pa po ng isang work or panalunin mo ko sa lotto (kahit tumataya 🤣), hindi na kaya ng current salary ko yung bills 😭.

Ilang years na ko nag wowork pero laging minimum wage lang (as a job hopper). Pang internet at vet needs lang usually naaambag ko sa family ko sa liit ng sinasahod ko. Last year nag work ako sa Japan pero grabe rin liit ng sahod ko doon huhu kaya di rin ako makapag padala.

Pero this year nabigyan ako ng chance makapag work sa Europe and medyo may kalakihan na sinasahod ko kompara sa dati.

Nanghingi mama ko ng pambills para sa aso namin, nakapag abot agad ako. Nabilhan ko rin sya ng gusto nyang magnetic eyelash yata yon, and nakapag bigay rin ako ng 1k na pang leisure money ng kapatid ko kasi nung nasa Pinas pa ko at walang pera, sya nanlilibre sa akin.

Mag 1 month palang ako dito sa Europe, pero ang saya na agad ng puso ko kasi may ambag na ko finally huhu miss na miss ko na loved ones ko pero lahat ng homesick at pagod sobrang sulit pag nakikita ko na di na sumasakit ulo nila saan kukuha ng pera para sa pangangailangan nila. Praying pumaldo pa ako 😭🥹

I keep doing the wrong things to cope and i’m sad about it.

I’m suffering from major depressive disorder with symptoms of hypomania.

Recently I just found out that my ex is happy and has a partner now while I’m still moving on. It’s been 1 yr and 3 months and I still am grieving.

Now I found myself hooking up, seeking temporary things to distract myself that’s self sabotaging. I found myself getting a tattoo again because I wanna feel pain physically and forget.

I don’t wanna be like this but this has always been how i cope and i can’t seem to change it.

I hate myself even more.

Hello po. Gusto ko lang maglabas ng nararamdaman kasi sobrang nabibigatan nako recently, alam ko na may iba na magsasabi sa’kin dito na at least maging grateful nalang ako sa mga nabigay ng pamilya ko sa’kin pero grabe na, sobra na.

For context, 3rd year college student na po ako while nasa 6 years old lang ako nong namatay yung nanay ko habang yung tatay ko naman, buhay pa man si mama may kabit na kaya nong namatay si mama ay talagang pinanindigan niya na. Naiwanan ako dito sa side ng nanay ko, sa kapatid niya mismo bale sa tita ko.

Nong una, akala ko magiging maayos naman ang lahat kasi maganda naman ang pakikitungo sakin ng tiya ko nong buhay pa si mama, mabait, palabigay ng regalo at madalas pakong ipagtanggol kapag napapagalitan ni mama. Pero tipikal na istorya, syempre nagbago na sila noong namatay na si mama ko.

Dalawang scholarship ang pinagsasabay ko, isang in offer sakin ng university at isang galing sa private, pero madalas parin akong sumbatan ng tita ko na sobrang laki daw ng ginagastos sakin. Masakit lang para sakin kasi nakikita naman niya yung effort kong mag-aral pero neto lang away namin narinig ko sa bibig niya na wala raw siyang pakialam kung naghihirap ako. Alam kong hindi ako perpektong kamg-anak, pero alam ko sa sarili ko na nagagawa ko yung parte ko bilang ampon nalang din nila o sampid dito sa bahay.

Ramdam na ramdam ko yung pinagkaiba ng trato ng tita ko sakin sa anak niya mismo, alam kong hindi ko dapat kainggitan o ipagkumpara kasi sypre nga naman anak niya yon at pamangkin niya lang ako. Pero hindi ko mapigilan na maluha nalang pag naiisip ko kung gano sila ka interisado makinig kapag kwento na ng panganay o bunso nila yung kinekwntp habang kumakain, samantalang sakin madalas na ngang hindi patapusin, halatang hindi pa sila nakikinig.

Nakakapanghinanakit din kasi madalas ko silang marinig na ipakumpara ako sa ibang mga bata na kesyo yung anak daw ni ganito working student, bakit ako raw hindi ko magawa yun. Sa isip isip ko, masyadong needy ang program ko para makapag working student at kung magt trabaho man ako kailangan kong pumili kung trabaho ba o yung benefits na maibibigay sakin ng scholarship ko lalo pa’t masyadong mataas uung maintaining grade neto.

Ang hirap, kada makakakita ako ng kaklase na lahat ng gamit provided, o kahit yung simpleng suporta nalang ng magulang sa kanila. Yung kahit pasang awa sila ay masaya sila kas tapos na yung exam, habang ako eto sinisiksik yjng sarili para lang may mapatunayan at baka sakalking lumambot yung kalooban nila sakin.

** This is a bit of a long read **

One of my cousin's family are facing a medical problem and yet the first words that came out of my mouth was "wag ka muna magpadala ng pera, Ma."

My mother has always been the most helpful person in our entire family. Whenever there was money/medical issue, she's the one people run to for help. To say that she's a beacon of hope is not an understatement.

Sadly, this trait isn't something I inherited. I'm an only-child and for most of my life, when it comes to family problems, I usually sit on the sidelines, watching, listening. Throughout these years, I've seen how some in our family repays my mother's kindness. Some of them talk behind her back when they don't get what they want, others have the nerve to act like she's the enemy now. How these people go from begging and crying to having so much pride and ego, their mental gymnastics still baffles me.

These observations are one of the reasons why I have trust issues within our family but quite frankly - it sounds totally biased without knowing my upbringing. As mentioned earlier, I have no siblings, so all the attention was on me and I was spoiled, to an extent. I had gadgets, all the food I wanted, went to private school, etc. Also, our relatives would come to our house during birthdays and Christmas/New Year and I would play with my cousins so I never really felt lonely, in short, I had an amazing childhood. But the most important of all was that my mother, despite being a single parent, raised me with good morals and provided me with all the love and care. I'm beyond fortunate and thankful for all these blessings.

Thus, I can't help but feel guilty that whenever there's a problem, the first thing I think about is me, how it's going to affect me, will I need to help out financially or how bothersome it will be. Fast forward, I'm 28 now and I can confidently say that I'm a better person than I was but I also realised that there will always be a part of me that is self-centered.

Going back to the first paragraph, this cousin of mine is currently living with us. She is one of my closest and we've always been together since we were kids. Her brother was sent to the hospital earlier today, then I said that line while my mother and I are having dinner in the living room after finding out how much the hospital bill was going to cost. My cousin was in her room all quiet so she might’ve heard me say it.

I don't really know how to end this, it's just that I feel so guilty that this is how my brain works. I hate my impulsive thoughts and when I say things without filter. Why did I say that? Why do I think this way? Why am I so selfish?

Biopsy results back. The C is definitely back.

I have 15 days before I get admitted depending if I need stronger meds.

Naiyak ko na and bakit naiiyak pa din ako.

I thought I was ready.

I wanna tell the one person I want him but ayoko na mang abala. We will end anyway .

Hindi na din halos makalabas dahil need naka car. Ayoko naman ma admit agad dahil sa nahawaan ng ubo.

I hope everyone's September is good.

Today is my birthday, but I feel like it’s just a normal day if anything, it feels even worse than a normal day.

My mom didn’t even greet me a happy birthday. I don’t think my nieces even know that today is my birthday. Sometimes, my mom looks at me like I’m such a disappointment compared to my brothers. I do have a degree, but I’m working in a completely different field.

There’s no celebration, nothing special at all. I made myself a glass of coffee, even though I’m acidic, so I guess this is me celebrating my birthday.

I posted a photo of my younger self on my IG story and greeted him a happy birthday. He was smiling so genuinely in that photo.

I hope I can smile like that again someday. Happy birthday self. I wish we can create a life we always wanted.

I don’t know why Filipinos are so good at saying “okay lang” when we’re very obviously not okay.

Someone asks, “Kumusta ka?”

“Okay lang.”

“Pagod?”

“Okay lang.”

“May problema ba?”

“Wala, okay lang talaga.”

Meanwhile, you’re lying awake at 2 AM, staring at the ceiling, replaying every decision you’ve made since graduating.

That’s me lately.

I’m tired.

Not the “I need to sleep” kind of tired. I’m tired in a way that sleep doesn’t seem to fix.

I’m tired of trying to be the responsible child. Tired of pretending I know what I’m doing. Tired of comparing my life to people I went to school with who seem to have everything figured out.

Some are abroad.

Some are getting married.

Some are buying cars and houses.

Some are posting promotions with captions about being “blessed.”

And then there’s me, quietly trying to make sure I have enough money until the next payday.

I’m happy for them. I genuinely am.

But sometimes I wish I could stop feeling like I’m falling behind.

And I hate that I can’t even tell my family how I really feel because I know they’ll worry. I don’t want my mother losing sleep over me. I don’t want my father asking if I need money when I know he has his own problems.

So I say the magic Filipino phrase:

“Okay lang ako.”

Maybe someday I actually will be.

But tonight?

Hindi.

Pagod lang talaga ako.

And for once, I just wanted to admit it somewhere without someone telling me to be grateful.

I am grateful.

I’m just tired too.

Both can be true.

i love that i’m not a heiress. i love that i’m not a housewife. i love that nothing in my life was handed to me. i love that everything i have has my fingerprints on it -- every bill, every scar, every little thing i built when no one came to save me.

i love making my own money. i love knowing that if i want something, i have to work for it. i love that i don’t owe anyone anything. i love knowing no one can say i’m indebted to them.

i love going home to an empty house. the silence. the freedom. the fact that no one is waiting for me, asking where i’ve been, needing an explanation for why i disappeared. i love knowing no one is looking for me. no one needing me.

i learned to do the hard things alone, too. the emergency room alone. driving myself home late at night. sitting through the waiting room until morning. going to follow-up appointments alone. and i tell myself i love that too -- never having to worry about being someone else’s worry.

and i love my intensity, when i let it show, because it keeps the half-hearted at a distance. maybe i love my detachment because it means no one gets close enough to hurt me twice.

i love who i became.

but i don’t love what it took to become her.

i don’t love the things that taught me not to need anyone. the things that made solitude feel safer than being loved. the things that made me so good at surviving on my own.

i’d be lying again if i said i don’t grieve the person i might have been if i’d never had to become her.

i lied.