I’m looking for experiences from parents who were genuinely torn about having a second child, especially those who had a larger age gap between children.
I have one six-year-old and I absolutely love our little family of three. I love being able to give her so much of my attention, I value quiet and personal time quite a lot, and life is finally getting easier as she becomes more independent.
The problem is that I’ve never been completely convinced our family is finished.
Before becoming a parent, I always pictured having two children. My first pregnancy itself was medically uncomplicated, but the circumstances surrounding pregnancy and postpartum were extremely stressful. I became pregnant just before the pandemic, dealt with significant job/financial uncertainty, and then our family experienced some major instability during the first couple years of parenthood. I think I may have spent so long thinking “absolutely not now” that eventually “not now” quietly became “probably never.”
I also just really didn’t enjoy pregnancy or the newborn stage. If someone could magically hand me our second child at one year old, healthy and sleeping reasonably well, I think I’d be much more inclined to say yes. When I imagine our family several years from now with a 12-year-old and a six-year-old, I genuinely like that picture. It’s getting from here to there that scares the hell out of me.
My husband is also genuinely undecided. Neither of us is pushing the other.
There are things about having one that I would grieve if we had another: the quiet, freedom, financial flexibility, travelling more easily, individual attention for our daughter, and finally having time for hobbies and ourselves again.
But there are things about stopping at one that I think I may grieve too.
I grew up with siblings and, although my sister and I weren’t close growing up, I’m incredibly grateful for our relationship as adults. I love large family gatherings and the feeling of lots of people and kids around at holidays. I find myself thinking about our family 20–30 years from now, not just about having another baby.
I know another child does not guarantee my children will be close as adults, that either child will have children themselves, or that we’ll end up with the big future family I picture. I’m trying very hard not to make a decision based on those hypothetical outcomes.
I’m also realizing that some of my reluctance may be fear left over from the circumstances surrounding my first experience rather than actually not wanting another child. That distinction has been surprisingly difficult to untangle.
What scares me most is reaching my late 40s or 50s, when the decision has been made permanently by biology, and realizing I actually wanted another child but let fear of pregnancy, postpartum and the difficult first few years make the decision for me.
On the other hand, I’m afraid of having another, loving that child completely, but still deeply grieving the peaceful little family of three we have now.
For parents who were truly happy with one and were this conflicted about having a second: what did you eventually choose, and how do you feel about it now?
I’d especially love to hear from:
parents with a 5–8+ year age gap;
people who disliked pregnancy/newborn life but wanted another older child;
people who had a difficult or circumstantially traumatic first postpartum experience;
parents who ultimately stayed one-and-done despite originally imagining two; and
parents who had the second and still sometimes miss aspects of their life with one.
I’m less interested in being told what I should do and much more interested in hearing what life actually looked like 5, 10 or 20 years after you made the decision.
What do you wish you had understood when you were standing where I am now?