In my country, many different cultures practice “custom adoption”, where a child is cared for by a member of their community, often a family member or close family friend. This is generally recognized by the child and family’s community, but often not by Western courts. This can make it really difficult for families formed through custom adoption to access services, like enrolling their children in school or making medical decisions. There was a prominent case in my country where a young girl was missing and ultimately found murdered, and the police didn’t notify her customary caregivers when her body was found.

I got into a discussion with someone on a non-TRA specific adoptee sub, who said that only people who’ve been legally adopted through the Western court system should call themselves adoptees. I really disagree with that, because custom adoption has been a thing for literally millennia in many, many Indigenous cultures.

I agree that having been through the court system and having had your legal identity changed is a very unique situation, I just don’t think it’s the only situation that is “real” adoption. Adoption is such a broad spectrum. There are transracial adoptees like us, and there are people who were intraracially adopted. There were people adopted as newborns and also people adopted in their late teens. To me, it’s not a stretch to say that some people were adopted through customary care and others through the Western court.

I’m biased because I have a close relationship with a custom adoptee, but to me, saying that only Western definitions of adoption are real comes across as a little Western-centric. It feels like a statement like that disrespects another culture’s way of moving through the world.

I was adopted from Korea as a baby and don't have any real exposure to Korean language or culture. I'm considering studying the language as an adult but am daunted by how difficult it is and feeling like I "should" already know it.

Does anybody have any experience learning their "mother tongue" later in life or words of encouragement?

Does anyone else just feel so disconnected and/or different from their AF? Not even just looks wise. idk if my age is part of it (youngest of 6, my adoptive siblings are mostly in their 30s and I’m 23) but my sense of humor, personality, interests etc. are so different. I always feel like I’m suppressing myself when we’re together and stuff. Idk, I’m Black and grew up in FL with mostly POC as friends (black and Hispanic) they’re white and grew up in OH with mostly white people as friends.

I feel like a big part of it is my childhood too, my brothers made many inappropriate racial jokes and I feel like my sister over policed me for every little thing.

Now as an adult I also feel left out when all or most of us are together like they’re laughing and talking about towards each other and I’m just there.We don’t live in the same states so it’s not something I deal with on a daily but when I visit or vice versa I just always feel so meh. Idk. I wonder if this will ever change. Politically too. I’m very left, a lot of their “jokes” are bigoted and I don’t find it funny at all. Being a transracial adoptee can just be so tiring.

I have never spoken with anyone other than online about the pain I felt with adoption and abuse. I have an adoptive sister who was SA. We have talked a little bit about the trauma but understandably she doesn't want to talk about it or relive the memories. Sometimes, I truly feel that I am cursed. Do you or did you feel alone?

I'm really going through it with my family and spouse regarding my adoption trauma lately. They’ve made comments like, “I want my daughter/wife back,” which I told them makes me feel angry and hurt because it feels like they’re asking me to continue hiding my pain for their own comfort, even though I know they have good intentions. Do you ever feel like people are trying to rush your healing and how have you dealt with it?

Hi everyone! My name is Katie. I’m 21, finishing college, and was adopted from Chongqing, China when I was 11 months old.

A few days ago, I launched the earliest version of In Between:

https://inbetweencommunity.com

In Between is an adoptee-centered community I designed and built from scratch using my background in software development so there is probably a lot of bugs which I am sorry about. It began with my experience as a Chinese adoptee, but I want it to make room for the many different and sometimes conflicting ways adoptees understand their stories.

My ultimate hope is to build a community where adoptees can connect, recognize that we are not alone in our experiences, and discover the incredible people within the adoptee community. Maybe make a social media, I would love to highlight adoptees from many different backgrounds and give people the opportunity to share their stories in their own words not only stories about adoption, but also who they are, what they are creating, and what matters to them.

The website currently shows ideas for personal stories, anonymous conversations, small groups, mentorship, local connections, meetups, and a privacy-conscious community map. Most of the features are only concepts right now, and any people or activity shown in demonstrations are fictional.

I am not a social media expert, community organizer, therapist, or someone who already knows exactly what this should become. I’m a college student with an idea, technical skills, and a genuine desire to build something meaningful. Rather than deciding everything myself, I want to listen to the people it is meant to serve.

I would love your honest feedback:

• What would you actually want from an adoptee-centered community?

• Which features would you use, and which would you avoid?

• What is missing from existing adoptee spaces?

• What would help you feel safe, respected, and comfortable participating?

• How should a community make room for different views about adoption without allowing judgment, harassment, or invalidation?

• Would you be interested in sharing your story, being interviewed, helping shape a feature, advising on safety, creating content, or collaborating in another way?

• If you run an adoptee organization, group, podcast, account, or creative project, what kind of collaboration would feel valuable rather than promotional or extractive?

I am also trying to understand what In Between could realistically become. It might grow into a storytelling project, an online community, a way to form friendships, a resource hub, local gatherings, collaborative content, or something I have not considered yet.

There is no single “correct” adoption narrative here. Someone may feel grateful, hurt, curious, disconnected, proud, angry, content, uncertain, or several of those things at once. My story and opinions are only my own, and I do not want this platform to tell anyone else how they should feel.

If you want to participate, there are several options:

• Leave honest feedback in the comments
• Explore the website and tell me what works or does not
• Join the early community waitlist
• Contact me privately about sharing your story
• Suggest a feature, resource, safeguard, or partnership
• Collaborate as an adoptee, creator, developer, researcher, organization, or community member

You do not need to join anything to give feedback. Criticism is welcome, especially while the project is still young enough to change.

I created the first version, but I do not want In Between to be about me. I want to learn whether it could become something genuinely useful for other adoptees—and, if so, how to build it responsibly.

Thank you for reading and for any perspective you are willing to share.

One would think you get used to this and stop caring about it but to me it is almost the opposite. I get more and more upset at these constant reminders that my surroundings always recognize me as a foreigner. That will just always be their assumption when they see me, since I am South Asian adopted to the Nordics where immigration still is quite new. The other day at the gym a guy approached me and asked me a question in English, and I replied in his native language, which is also my native language. He then proceeded to say something like «Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I spoke English to you». And I just looked at him weird because like, are you kidding? We both know why 😂

I was adopted as an infant into a a large family. My AM is one of 8 siblings. She is the second oldest and helped raise her siblings, thus her obsession with babies.

My entire life we pretty much avoided the topic of adoption and whenever I brought it up as a possible reason for my various social difficulties, I was promptly shut down.

Since coming through the fog, my changed perspective is helping me acknowledge things I used to be in denial about. So every time my AM has a conversation with her siblings, especially her sister, I start to feel a little hurt. Because I had a sister and I dreamt of meeting her and recently found out she has passed so that will never happen. It’s not only this that makes me sad but the fact that my AM seems to have zero concern for my feelings.

For some context, my AM is overly concerned and sympathetic towards myself and any of my friends she ever meets. She has this nurturing thing blown out of proportion (she was also a pediatric nurse). So the fact that she is so blasé and dismissive about my feelings as an adoptee really makes our dynamic even more difficult to stomach. Like, I have a whole family too, that I’ve never had a connection with because I was taken from them because you were desperate for an infant. She never even told me I had a brother I just recently found this out and she is also very dismissive about this like it’s no big deal, like it shouldn’t effect me- especially because she bought me nice things my whole life so I shouldn’t be upset about anything.

Not one family member in my adoptive family has ever asked about my experience as an adoptee,. I suppose they simply don’t owe me this kind of interest. It does however make it easier to not put any effort into having a relationship with them. Can anyone relate to any of this??

I sound a bit selfish. I know it’s not all about me but I guess I just feel disappointed in everyone. I know I have a lot of emotional growing up to do. I’m in therapy for years know and am an active member of a 12 step program and I’m really trying to get my shit together. I just feel very hurt and very conned by my AM because how can you be so supportive with everything else except this? It leaves this huge wedge between us and she thinks that we are going to become close and I do not feel like that. I have considered going limited contact with them. They’re not bad people but I feel like our relationship is causing more harm than good and potentially helping to stagnate my personal growth (I live with them)…

Any feedback/identification is appreciated. Thank you to this community 💗💗 also, I am adopted from Brazil as an infant by white Americans. Was told my whole life I’m half Italian (my AM is Italian). Recently found out through DNA testing I am zero Italian and lots of African. As a teen my parents never understood why I wanted to hang out with certain people and always told me to ‘not talk like that’ or ‘not act like that’. When I told them about my DNA they were dismissive about this also. I suppose I am just expecting too much from them. How wonderful it would be to have some genuine interest, concern and compassion. Do you think I am wrong for feeling like that? I know I’m entitled to my feelings but should I just get over all of it?? Idk what to do but it makes me very sick to my stomach.

I know my voice does not match my face, but they often seemed genuinely surprised when I speak. Are people confused when they hear you speak?

I'm a 34 year old female international adoptee, mom was apparently Japanese and dad was from the UK and part Indian, I have no idea from where beyond that. I ended up with white American adoptive parents and I have yet to figure out what is going on at any point ever. I hope adding a "Mixed" flair was okay, but I don't know why it keeps showing it double on my side.

That said, I just wanted to say thank you for this sub and for everyone who shares, I've lurked the past few months reading and finally decided to rejoin reddit because things actually felt a little more bearable, a little less lonely, and a little less like I was losing my mind. So thank you so, so much.

Hey yall, I’m a transracial adoptee. I am native & white and my adoptive family is Arab. I have a very traditionally Arab / Muslim name. I live in a super multicultural city and any uber I get into, restaurant I’m at, and often at work, I am asked by other Arabs where I’m from. It does not help I am racially ambiguous so I’m often assumed to be racially arab.

I have quite a bit of trauma around my experience being adopted, so it’s most times kind of a sensitive topic. Usually when I’m asked I just say “I’m native and my families Arab”, and at times I just say “oh my names from ____ country”. Sometimes I don’t like telling people I’m adopted bc then you get the sad orphan eyes LOL, especially being Muslim, it’s a good act to care for an orphan/ to marry off an orphan etc so sometimes ppl can be a little off. My adoptive family also always tells me “you’re just as Arab as the rest of us” etc- while simultaneously very much respecting my birth culture and identity. Which further kind of confuses me as to how I should identify?

I guess I’m just wondering if any of you run into similar things? Or how you introduce yourself? It also feels like a lot of personal information to tell a random stranger “hey I was an orphan”. But it also feels misleading to just say I’m from where my parents are from. Also it doesn’t help most uncles and aunties in community don’t really understand when I say “native” or “indigenous” bc they aren’t familiar with that as a racial category. Idk. Guess I’m just wondering how other people navigate that.

F18. 🇨🇦.
I was adopted by white Canadian parents as a baby from Africa and I grew up in a predominantly white area. I’ve never felt like I didn’t belong at home nor did I feel some sort of unspoken connection to other Black people. I never felt “deprived” of Blackness. My parents had books, I got my hair done, and we went to a family camp with other children of African heritage, so I did see other black people.

For some POC racial community is important, however I am not one of them.

Ever since I was little I knew who I was attracted to and who made me happiest, and those were almost exclusively white people. (Where I grew up was 70-80% White, and only 1.2% Black).

I feel okay in myself and what I want but the anxiety of pressure from other people is depressing me. I get harassed by white and black men, but I’ve only been assaulted by a black man.

Also the “Black people should date other Black people” discourse is suffocating.

I hate being reduced to a symbol instead of a human woman with my own experiences and preferences.

It’s like me being black makes other black people feel entitled to my body and energy even though they’re strangers.

Trying to feel less monitored and watched. If you’ve experienced something similar please don’t hesitate to reach out 🫩.

This was posted in r/Adopted so passing along the information. Greg Luce is an adoptee and known trustworthy source and highly regarded in adoption advocacy. Stay safe out there!

I’m 21M goona be 22 in a week I’m a typical white American guy but I was adopted basically and raised by Mexicans in a Mexican majority town near border I basically raised myself isolated myself in my room and just lived in my own world it hard tho cuz I don’t feel love by any Mexicans or family I don’t have any white family at all my life is a lie basically I’ve tried running away thought abt doing again and being homeless but everyone knows that life is hard and dangerous I get spit on and disrespected by a lot of ppl because of my situation I’m basically alone in this world I have nobody but the internet Mexican ppl judge me for not understanding them or thinking like them and just literally treat me different everywhere I go especially the darker ones and the times I’ve ran away it’s hard cuz some ppl especially black ppl for some reason will try to be racist towards me cuz they think I’m Mexican when they don’t even my story or who I am and I’ve done it alone ran away travel etc it’s just it real hard I’m waiting for a job idk if I’m getting it but I’m trying to be independent and hopefully one day move on with my life like I’m really trying to avoid the hard life running away being in the streets like everyone knows that’s a whole other deal

Lmk if anybody has questions

When I was a kid, it was being seen with my white family and being embarrassed.

Today it is native language. I could improve my Spanish, but I will still not sound like a native speaker and that will out me as an adoptee. I feel like this has kept me from being accepted on quite a few occasions.

My Uber driver( in my American home city, in the Northeast) doesn't even know his counting numbers to 9 in English. Thank goodness for Sesame Street so I could tell him "tres cinqo cuat[ro] cinqo". I used Google to look up "I was adopted by white people and my Spanish isn't very good." but he still tried to be conversational while we were in traffic.

Wondering now, what else have people in this sub experienced, other than direct criticism about not knowing your roots, because people got your name or saw your face and expected you to be like them?

P.S.: Don't blame my white parents, they at least gave me my name and tried to interest me in Spanish when I was learning to read English.

Lately I have been experimenting a lot with flavours and spices from my country of birth. I am by no means skilled at cooking the local cuisine but adding the flavours into my everyday cooking has been a very nice feeling. I have also started eating with my hands more often and I was honestly shocked how freeing it felt doing so. Just some small wins, I take those.

I recognize that I'm part of the les common group here. I'm white and my family are latino. We grew up in a liberal college town and our mom has multiple doctorates. My brother is her biological son and immigrated with her, I was adopted older. Brother and 8 are now both in our 30s.

My family has had a lot of conversations about race, especially with everything going on in the world. We're terrified for their safety even though I know I can't fully understand. Sometimes though, It is hard to tell what is actually about race and what is about our positions in our family.

I was severely abused by my birth family, so I'm often scared to rock the boat. I rarely ask for anything because I'm always scared to take up too much space because I don't want to break our family too. I try to stay out of their hair, only call every few months. I've only ever asked my brother to disrupt his life to talk to me when a past rapist sent me a harassing message and I only ask my mother for normal mom things: would she like to visit for a holiday, come to my daughter's funeral, come to my son's baby shower, etc.

Last year, we had a family conversation about how it is hard when I ask for things because my mom and brother have a hard time telling me no, because, now that I'm a white adult, I have more social power. I understand and respect that, but I also feel like they don't see how my background, adoption, and our family dynamics make it hard to feel like I can ever ask for anything in the first place. I don't feel like asking my mom to come to her first granddaughter's funeral and saying, "okay, I'm sorry" when she says "no, sweetie" is really the image of wielding racial entitlement or privilege.

My wife talks like my family doesn't care about me, but like, I know that's not true. My mom has done so much for me that my birth family would never have done. But it has gotten to the point where I don't feel like I can ever push back beyond a merger request.

My son (also adopted) has his baby shower coming up and my mom hasn't met him yet. This is her first grandchild to survive birth. This is so big for us and we're doing a ceremony from my birth culture and my mom even wants to say a speech at it. But when I asked if she was coming, offering to pay travel, missed time, even for a hotel if she doesn't want to stay at the house, she said she'd prefer to call in, like it's a business meeting. She doesn't have any reason to not come other than just not feeling like it. My wife says I should tell her this is really important to me, like our wedding, but I'm scared of being offensive by pushing back.

It's hard. I'm obviously very aware of how racism impacts my family. I see how people treat my brother and I differently. The cold attitude we get when our whole family is together. The way people look at me like I'm supposed to talk for us. I could keep going for the length of a book. But sometimes I feel like that privilege just leaves me walking on eggshells even inside our family. I feel like I'm in a china shop and my arms are twice the length they normally are. Like I'm so aware of all the pitfalls, and I just can't move normally.

My mom is always there for my brother, travels to spend time with him, has talked about moving in with him to support his career at some point. They talk every week, I'm made to feel like I'm too much when I call every 2-3 months. It's just different. And that's okay. It's just... It's hard. I'm so grateful to have them after everything I lived through with my birth family, so I want to respect they're giving me what they can.

So I try to be as small as possible. To ask once gently and politely as infrequently as possible and not take anything personally. My in-laws talk down on me and try to tell me my family just doesn't love me, but they just don't see the dynamics of how complicated both adoptive and transracial families are. At the same time, I never want my son to feel like this, I want him to always know I'm here whenever he needs.

Can anyone relate to this at all? How do you even know how to unsort the strings?

Does anybody else feel disassociated from the moment they wake up?

Most days I get this immediate feeling that I’m in the wrong place and wrong body, that I’m already doing something ‘wrong’. It’s like a tremor deep inside my chest that leaves me feeling on guard for the rest of the day.

Even when waking from a nice dream I feel like I’m waking from a nightmare sometimes.

It is even worse when I am in my adoptive household.