r/Adopted • u/IstraofEros Domestic Infant Adoptee • 1d ago
Reunion Oooh dear god lol
So I hired a Private investigator to find my birth father with his SSN and birthday (my bio mom gave it to me). He ended up finding him last Wednesday pro bono. He called and my BD confirmed his name but then "acted like he had no idea what (PI) was talking about". PI texted a pic of BM and him and asked him if that was him or to tell me he has the wrong person. I told PI to wait and not text more in case he needs time to process.
Best case, it elicited a strong reaction and he was around people at the time or was overwhelmed, and will follow up eventually when he cools off.
I was going to write him a letter and either have PI text or email it, if in a few months he doesnt follow up.
Basically right now I'm in a suspended state.
I know I'll be okay no matter what happens but uh...
yeah this is kinda tortuous. Posting here for moral support.
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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee 1d ago
You will be okay but give it time. I'm 8 years in now and in the early stage I wanted to rush to "closure" because that seemed like what I was supposed to do but it didn't work. I needed time to grieve, truly, for all I had lost. Therapy has helped and community with other adoptees has been a godsend.
u/bigoleravioli is right that this is always a them problem and not an us one. It's their personal shit plus most of our bios are non-adopted people who buy into all the happy fairyfart bs about adoption. They're often surrounded by other dumb kept people who agree with it and "know an adoptee who is just fine with their adoptive family" so will reinforce the narrative of them as victims and us as intruders. The world is simply wired for them to be that way.
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u/IstraofEros Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
Yeah I first found my bio mom back in 2019 and it's taken me this long to finally reach out to BD because the idea terrified me. I went through all the emotions and hesitancies in therapy and honestly my therapist pushed it, so I would at least know. I guess I'll find out if it was really worth it.
That makes sense as sad as it is. I do see the suggestion to make sure they know I'm not asking for money, like that is the last thing on my mind. But if he does view me as an intruder I dont want contact anyway, I dont need heartless people in my life.
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u/FolkDoom Baby Scoop Era Adoptee 1d ago
I cold called my full bio brother to let him and the rest of the family know I existed.
He almost immediately hung up on me.
It took about a week for him to pass my number on to a full bio sister who then called me.
Hopefully your BD is just in a bit of shock and will be open to more contact in a bit.
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u/harrissari Adoptee 1d ago
You probably cannot expect someone not to be shocked. And if he was around other people, that would just be crass and careless. After the news has sunk in, I'm sure the response will be less reactionary, but that doesn't mean it will be welcoming or even cordial. I think a letter would have been a better way for the finder to do it.
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u/IstraofEros Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
Yeah I definitely understand the shock. In retrospect I do wish he had emailed instead, I guess I naiively thought a PI would have some experience with this kind of situation. He was a bit brief and terse on the phone with me
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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee 1d ago
Yes, they are shocked, esp. family members who didn't know. Mine certainly were. What shocked me was how quickly they got over it. I have a half-brother I've never spoken to and probably never will. It was reported to me that he was very upset about learning of me. I was assured this was anger solely directed at his (our) father. But they seem to have hugged it out pretty quickly.
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u/IstraofEros Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
Yeah I can imagine there can be jealousy and upset over their idea of being the firstborn/only boy/girl etc. It's sad, I think getting to know a "new" half sibling would be super interesting but I'm obviously biased lol
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u/Jealous_Argument_197 Adoptee 1d ago
Are you sure he knew? Some times, natural mothers stretch the truth a bit.
As a side note, it’s always best to have the adoptee make the first contact with the natural parents.
I would make sure the PI doesn’t make any more contact. You be the one. Here’s hoping it all goes well!!
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u/IstraofEros Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
Yeah he did. My parents met him and there's a photo my APs took when they met before I was born.
But yeah that's why I took initiative because I would personally feel ashamed and guilty and not want to reach out as a bio parent. But yeah I told him to back off. Thank you :) It feels like a big old mess right now haha
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u/Sad_Pixie999 Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
I hope it goes well and you get everything you want from this with minimal conflict or avoidance. How difficult was it to get a PI to do this work?
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u/IstraofEros Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
Thank you :) It wasnt hard at all, they listed it as a service on their website. With SSN other sites listed it as a flat $500 fee but he did it for free, I presume in return for a good review. I would recommend being specific about how to go about contacting and make sure they are aware of the sensitivity of the matter, learn from my mistake lol
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u/bigoleravioli Adopted 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh, man. I'm sorry. I went through a similar thing with my bio parents, they acted like I never existed in the first place. They still act that way, they've ignored all of my attempts at communicating. I know it feels like you're in limbo right now, but just try to take care of yourself as best you can. These situations are a Pandora's box and know that whatever the outcome may be, it will mean nothing about you and something about him. I know it can be easy to logically understand that but there is a much deeper place that logic doesn't touch with these things. There are so many resources and I've found podcasts and books about the topic essential to gaining an understanding of these things and myself in the process. It can all feel really de-stabilizing, just know that it does pass. Whatever way this falls for you, I hope you find some peace.