I am almost 30 - mom to a two year old and an almost fourth month old. In early August, four days after my daughter turned three months old, my father passed away unexpectedly.
This has been the hardest time of my life.
I woke up one morning to my mom on the phone hysterical with my husband. It’s almost like I can’t remember what life was like before then. It all just feels like grief. It’s been the longest month of my life.
It was my first week back to work too.
My mom said she doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Sometimes she will tell me she thinks he’s watching over her. She says she’s fine. I’m so worried about being strong for her I haven’t told her that I’m not doing good.
English isn’t her first language and she’s depending on me to handle all of the admin things and take over her finances (my dad handled everything). I wrote his obituary. I called to let friends know. I planned with the funeral home. I’m responding to sympathy cards. She doesn’t know how to access their shared bank account or pay off the credit card. I’ve spent so much time on customer service lines trying to hold it together while I explain my dad died I need help getting my mom access to this account. I need to go to social security with her to figure out how she can get survivor benefits. I need to bring an affidavit to a bank because he had an account with no beneficiary.
It’s all a headache and I’m not sleeping through the night. I wake up 2-3 times to nurse. My reading comprehension is so low.
It used to be that every drive or shower was a break for me. Now I’m scared because that is prime think about dad and cry time. When i do bedtime with my toddler, I look at a book and realize it’s the last one he will ever get from my dad. He doesn’t know that yet. I haven’t even thought about how do I explain grandpa passed away? How do I explain death?
I feel it’s so cruel that I’m three months postpartum and my dad died. My kids won’t get to know him. I have so much life to live and he’ll be gone. I won’t ever get to talk to him again. If I ever have another baby, he will never meet them. The one person I want to talk to, the one person who I know would be in my corner, he’s gone.
I didn’t get to say goodbye. Having a toddler and a baby is a busy season of life and now any downtime is spent grieving. When will things get better? I feel like I have no time to rest and recover. My kids aren’t getting the best version of their mom. I have no time for self care. I can’t concentrate at work. I have a hard time being present. It feels like there’s no time in the day and when there is I’m just sad. How do I help myself?