As of September 1st, user flair is required in order for users to participate in this subreddit. Flair is meant to give context to other users; if you're getting advice on how to handle a sensitive situation, it would help to know if the people giving advice have had similar experiences or if their knowledge of the disorder is from romantic relationships. This also informs people who aren't allowed to participate that they aren't allowed here if they try to post.

If you're on a computer, the option to choose flair will be in the sidebar on the right side of your screen when you visit the subreddit's main page.

If you're on the app, you can go to the subreddit's main page and tap "see more" near the top of the screen to see the sidebar. Tap "Community Guide" to bring up the option to choose your flair.

If you have any questions or need help assigning your flair, you can message the mods.

I’m a 25 year old only child whose mom likely has BPD. This year, my mother was hospitalized twice after suicide attempts - one in her car, the other was far more serious and she ended up in a coma from an overdose. The second one included a social media post revealing she had been having an affair for 2 years and wanted to die because she had been broken up with. I only recently found out that the first attempt (in January) was also due to having had NYE plans with her then affair partner cancelled.

I always had a difficult relationship with her - I am now diagnosed with CPTSD from the constant hypervigilance, emotional neglect and enmeshment. I also have never once been able to talk to my mom about my feelings on anything, ever - she has yet to apologize for lying over and over for 2 years. She only ever talks about herself (her current fixation hobby is gardening) and has little to no interest in my life, my accomplishments, etc. On the day of my most important job interview of my career, she decided to meet with her ex for the first time in 3 months, then hide it from me. I almost called the police because I hadn’t heard from her in 6 hours.

All this to say I’m just feeling alone and scared. She had never attempted before, or even mentioned it - but this was so specifically triggered by her favorite person abandoning her twice. I don’t know how to support her - I also don’t know how to take the needed space, because she lies and manipulates and honestly doesn’t care about me much. Thanks in advance.

If you see something that breaks the rules, please report it so the new moderator can see and learn. If something rule-breaking stays up longer than it should after you report it, it's probably for training reasons.

the worst part is, I am not even doing that well- at least by my standards. I moved away from home a decade ago but my family still has contact on social media. I generally try not to post much of anything that could be gloating, bragging or showing off because my fam will interpret it as a personal affront. I wonder now because I am in my 30s and not really hitting my personal goals as much the last few years if somehow I subconsciously know it reminds me of being beaten by my sister when we were kids. fear of being seen / playing small.

when we were growing up she beat me up, knocked my teeth out, stole any money I saved, was kicked out of school for violence, didn't graduate HS, she liked to triangulate our also disordered mother against me, (she once tried to talk her into kicking me out of the house at 17 so I, too, couldn't graduate HS.) when we were young I could never just have a happy, normal. birthday, if I got cake she had to get one too, if I had presents- she would snap if she didn't get any also. of course i never dreamed of demanding the same. once she had me kidnapped while I was at the park with my friends. she is older and had older 19/20yo kind of predatory boyfriends and when I was 14 she sent them to the park to actually kidnap me in front of my friends because I wouldn't let them haze my 'boyfriend' (I'm gay- not out then- and he was my best friend.)

I think the real reason I am ranting about this now is because I haven't been home in years, sometimes I feel guilty and hedonistic because I am unwilling to go back to my hometown (50% child poverty level now and since I was there) I live somewhere safer, warmer, in another hemisphere. my life is a lot better then everyone in my family but I do feel like I could have done much much more. some kind of guilt about doing well maybe holds me back. I was on a call with my mom and she obviously is very lonely, she misses me, she has a very toxic marriage that is providing her no sustenance by virtue of her own nature. my mom told me she is still very resentful of me even though I haven't been back in years.

the biggest thing now is money, my only real problem, and I wonder if I subconsciously sabotage it so I have an excuse to never see my family again unless they make the effort to see ME or pay for me to come home. my dad has in the past and he is the only person who is more stable although obviously has his own flaws to have been attracted to the circumstances. money has always been a problem in my family and for me it comes and goes. I feel like I have all the qualities to be successful in whatever I like to do but something always fails me. maybe I manufacture the distance subconsciously on purpose.

My MIL shows BPD behavior a lot, and it is becoming extreme now that my FIL has declining health. Unfortunately, she refuses any real help and expects miracles instead. Thus, my enabling FIL constantly increases his pressure on us to do what she wants as he can’t bear it anymore by himself. Instead of spending a few good months with his dad, my husband has to navigate her accuses and outbursts and his demands to obey her.

Now I found another handwritten letter to my young son today in the mailbox from his grandfather. A while ago, I decided to read only the non-accusing, no-pressure and non-medical scare parts to my son. Today’s letter had to be reduced to „Hello grandson, …, Yours dearly, grandpa and grandma.“

It’s just so sad and unfair.

My mother in law has BPD. She divorced her husband when my husband was 5-6 after cheating with a neighbor, and he grew up in a messy chaotic home with an older brother who left home in his teens. She enjoyed his baby years but lost interest in him as he grew up. His paternal grandmother watched him after school so at least he had some structure. His mom would leave on weekends with her boyfriend while he was in middle school. He remembers a lack of food in the house and finding her passed out with a burning cigarette. She didn’t turn on the heat but bought a boat and a nice car. She was always unstable but miraculously held a job until her early 50s.

She now has stage 4 cancer in her late 70s, but her cancer is stable. She has major back problems and uses a walker. She just moved closer to us from an unsafe/hoarding living situation, and my husband is her primary caretaker, but is really struggling. I was hoping the move would be a fresh start and it would make things easier. We have stressful jobs and a pre-teen son we adore, and I want to limit our involvement to safety and hygiene issues and bringing her to Dr. appointments, but he goes to her house everyday sometimes more than once, angrily cleans up after her, walks her dog, and is beside himself. He wants her to clean up her messes, stop impulse buying from Amazon, admit she needs a dog walker, housecleaner, etc., and it leads to terrible fights, where she denies needing help and threatens to k*ll herself.

He is so deregulated with her and it is causing fights between us. He has many amazing qualities but can be controlling and rigid, and she is pure chaos. When I tried to talk to him about letting go of things we can’t change—like her messiness and useless spending—he blew up and broke his glasses, which feels like an attempt to manipulate me and shut down the conversation. His mom also blows up/screams to shut down conversation. He does know that the dynamic is bad but can’t seem to controls his emotions with her.

His mom has little/no insight into her helplessness/chaos and the fact that she could not live independently or keep her dog without our assistance. She is also suspicious of us and idolizes her older son who lives thousands of miles away. She complains about money when I ask her to hire help but spends thousands on Amazon items she doesn’t use. Short of convincing my husband to cut off contact (which feels wrong to us), is there a way to change this dynamic? My husband understands that his mother’s own neglectful/harsh mom may have contributed to her BPD but struggles to see that his controlling/rigid ways are related to the chaos he grew up in.

My wife and I have a 23 year old daughter who is living with us, she had a rhinoplasty done last year as she was saying she had breathing problems and wasn't happy with her nose and we paid to make her happy.

After the procedure she still wasn't happy with her nose saying it's worse, she spoke with a surgeon about getting it reversed and was told her nose is fine and it could make things worse intervening and that she needs to get her mental health sorted first

She attempted suicide and was detained by the Gardai twice and brought to the hospital and then let go, she was involuntary admitted and released the next day

The hospital said she has a personality disorder not a mental illness and they can do nothing for her, this msge her behaviour worse as she knows she won't be admitted.

She dropped out of college, sitting at home all day every day fighting with us, she's destructive and has broken nearly everything in the house she has assaulted us, the neighbours called the Gardai a few times they said they can do nothing, I asked for her to be detailed under the mental health act as she is a risk to herself and others they said they can't do it.

She is extremely angry and gives me lists of things to buy for her for when she's going back to college items that costs hundreds of euros, thinking they will make her happy

We are at our wits end I got scalded with boiling water last week

The GP and hospital are useless

Besides the legal route of court orders what else can we do.

There is nothing stopping her getting on with her life only herself

It's creating a very stressful environment the house is thrashed with items broken and clothes destroyed

She needs to be admitted for depression but the hospital are not willing to help

Any advice or guidance or anyone in a similar circumstance I would greatly appreciate it

Does anyone have a family member who is BPD and an only child? I'm just curious as the BPDs in my life all have siblings--one was #3 of 5.

Reminder to everyone about this announcement post that user flair will be required starting Tuesday.

Hi. I am looking into residential programs for my niece, who has been diagnosed with BPD, adhd and has had a very hard time transitioning to life an adult. She’s on Medicaid and has had spotty mental health care so I’m not 100% confident of the diagnosis, she needs some intensive help away from the pressure of real life. Any recommendations? Would love to find a great combination of diagnostic, therapeutic and life skills. She is willing (even eager) to go so fortunately won’t meet with resistance.

While she is currently on Medicaid, her mom will putting her on her health plan in the Fall so we conceivably we could have some insurance coverage and I am able to contribute financially.

We’re in Michigan but happy to go anywhere for a really well regarded program.

Thanks!

My older sister (BPD traits, calling her Jen for the post) told me today that she doesn't want a therapist because she knows all of her problems already and "doesn't need someone to point them out". I tried to explain to her that therapy isn't just having someone tell you what's wrong, and she started calling it a waste of money, pointless, etc.

I've been in therapy for about 5 years. My other sister has been in therapy for about one, and my mother has been going to therapy off and on for probably a decade, maybe longer. Mental illness runs in our family, but Jen is the only one of us with BPD traits.

She constantly complains about how her only choice is to suffer through life, how all her relationships fail through no fault of her own, how she's never accepted into any groups "for no reason", etc. Every time someone mentions getting professional help, we always make sure to phrase it in a "you deserve to be happy" way, Jen starts crying and flips out at us.

Is there anything I or my family can do to help her or to get her help? She lives with our parents still, so her behavior has a huge impact on our family dynamic.

My sister (47f) has BPD she has never had a steady job and she refuses to get one. Is this part of BPD or is this just another issue she has? She also will not do the work to get help. She is back in DBT but you can tell she is just halfa**ing it. Her reason for never being able to be responsible is she is like paralyzed by how upset she is with her life and life choices. Ultimately, she is the only person who can decide to get things together. My parents are old and I am so burdened worrying about what's going to happen when they no longer can support her. I have had this conversation with my mom so many times that she has to put her foot down because she's ultimately leaving it all on me. I can just imagine when my mom passes, my sister will be too emotional to deal with that or herself. Whenever someone else is struggling or there is a crisis, then she has to have a crisis. I am so tired of it and my friends tell me to just not think about it, but the mess we are going to be in when my parents are gone worries me so much and I have no other siblings.

Using a throwaway…I’ve posted this elsewhere but maybe they weren’t the right subs

I am so angry at my sister. For her lies, the emotional turmoil, her alcoholism. Worst of all I’m angry because of her negligence of her daughter/my niece and potentially putting her in harm’s way by having her around someone she KNOWS is abusive.

All because my sister literally refuses to ever be single. She would rather have a worthless abusive piece of shit hobosexual leech off of her than be single.

She kept it hidden that not only she is seemingly back with her abusive boyfriend, he has also been living with her. She hasn’t said a word about this guy since the incident, probably because she knows that if I or anyone else found out, that we would be extremely concerned and disapproving. Her not saying anything tells me that she knows it’s wrong. I only found out because my niece just told me.

And now I’m concerned that this guy has been around my niece on the days that she is staying at my sister’s (she primarily stays with her dad, where she is safe) After knowing this, my niece is not going to be staying with my sister so long as this fucking guy is there.

How could she be so reckless and potentially put her child in danger? How could she let a guy who beat and assaulted her be in the presence of her teenage daughter after the fact??

It’s been years of constant chaos due to her alcoholism and BPD & bipolar disorder and I’m just at the end of my rope. I know that there isn’t much I can do anymore but try to protect my niece.

If it wasn’t for my niece, I would’ve completely cut contact with my sister long ago.

Hi all. I posted originally in a different sub pertaining to Bipolar Disorder. My sister is formally diagnosed as such. She is not diagnosed with BPD but I believe there is a comorbidity. Recently something happened that was the final straw for me. Honestly I'm not even sure what I hope to gain by sharing this but I have found a great many posts here to be very relatable. I am providing more detail than my original post in the other sub now that a little time has passed and I am able to speak on it a little more comfortably.

TW : SA

Some years back I was SA'd at a party. We were teenagers, the host and most of the guests were 21+

For a long time I carried guilt and shame because I believed what happened was my fault. I will skip most of the details. I remember having one drink and I blacked out. I have a few scraps of memory from that night. Eventually I began to confide in people I trust including my husband, my doctor, and my therapist. Virtually everyone has suggested that my description of events suggests a likelihood that I was drugged. I learned years after the event that there was a person at the party who has since been accused of drugging other women. I cannot definitively say that that's what happened to me. Needless to say it is a complex and turbulent thing to process.

Years after this event my sister began dating one of the men that I have confirmed to have had intimate contact with me while I was....influenced. She was aware that there was a negative sexual history between him and me. She was (as far as I know) unaware of the possibility that I had been drugged and did not perceive the history as problematic. She was present at the party where it occured.

They dated very briefly, around three months. He was in a car accident and passed away. She was devastated and the family rallied to support her. I was sympathetic but largely tried to remain uninvolved.

About three years after his death, she called me to chat. We were having a very casual conversation when she said unprompted "Hey, you remember that party with *guy*? I think he might have drugged you". When I asked what made her think that she did not answer and instead talked at length about the problems that had been in their relationship. During this conversation I shared that other people had reached the same conclusion and gave her all the details of what I remembered. During this conversation we explicitly discussed how painful it was for me to see other people memorialize him every year. We concluded the discussion of the topic with what I thought was a shared position that he was not a very good guy.

Very recently she decided to get a new tattoo. It is a memorial to this man. She sent me a picture of it without disclosing the context. I found out later via Facebook, when she shared a picture and a heartfelt paragraph about how it felt like the right time to get a tattoo in remembrance that she had been thinking about for a long time.

My extended family feels that I am in the wrong for being upset about this. I've been told I can't take her behaviors personally because she is unwell. I feel like at best she didn't consider how I might feel about it, and at worst she DID consider it and was fine with the possibility of it hurting me. I can't sit across from her at Thanksgiving and see this tattoo. I just plain can't. I went NC with her and now my family is in an uproar about it. I'm not sure what I can really do at this point. I don't want her in my life anymore.

I love my family, but my sister wPBD is destroying things. She's almost 40 and spiraling. She recently tried to kill herself (or accidentally OD'd depending on what mood she's in - I think it was probably an accident but she says it was on purpose when she's trying to manipulate someone), pushed our terminally ill father down, is constantly on and off of drugs, neglects her kids, overreacts to everything, lies, steals, and lays around all day every day. Last year she was in jail because she tried to beat me, so I called the cops. She got out because I didn't press charges - we were hopeful that the mandatory psych appointments and NA meetings would help. They didn't.

She doesn't have a job, doesn't drive, doesn't really contribute anything. She's usually pretty mean and nasty to everyone except for me because I usually ignore her.

I moved back home a few years ago to help out my family - I wanted to help my parents financially and emotionally, and I wanted to be able to help with my nieces so their lives aren't so fucked up since their mom is fucking insane. But she's totally gone off the deep end lately, and there's seemingly no end in sight. My mental health can't take it anymore. I have all but BEGGED my parents to either let her leave, or make her leave because I'm worried about the safety of the family. I know it's a big ask to basically abandon your kid, but when enabling their bad behavior, their "comfort", their UNENDING misery is at the expense of everyone else's comfort and safety??? That seems like it will end badly to me.

After she pushed our father, I tried to tell my mom the gravity of that - it could have killed him. This is RIGHT after she almost died from an OD; she stole our dad's medicine (which he needs to be comfortable in hospice) and had to be revived. For some ungodly reason they let her out of the hospital on the same day.

When they told me she tried to kill herself I wasn't sad. I was just angry. Angry that if she were successful, then I am saddled with the responsibility of raising her two traumatized children and arranging her funeral. Angry that if she weren't successful that I'll still have to deal with her behavior. I feel awful for saying that, but it's the truth. Yet another no-win situation she has put me in without consent. Of all the things she's taken from me, I feel the most robbed of my empathy. I cannot care about her or her problems anymore - it's just too dangerous.

In the past she has been violent to partners, my mother, me, pretty much anyone she "cares" about. It's not like this is some unexpected pattern - this is her. It's her personality - she is violent and delusional, and sees nothing wrong with it, and she keeps getting away with it because our parents enable it at every turn.

I feel like 20 years of my life have been robbed from me, and I have - at every turn - tried to help. I may not have been warm and fuzzy with her, but I've never tried to make things harder. I've paid court fees, watched her kids when she was too assed to do so, bought food, clothes, furniture, upkept and fixed the house. Whatever they've needed, all the time. But what have I gotten in return?

I will never have the relationship I deserve with a sibling. I will never know what it's like to grow up in a stable home. I have never had the comfort of a safe space. I can't describe to you what it feels like to be worried someone else is going to hurt themselves or someone you love all the time. Since she's so much older than me, it's been like that for as long as I can remember. My childhood was full of being bullied and afraid of someone who was supposed to protect me. I can't forgive her for many of the things she did to me and my parents. I accept that she is just like this, but I don't have to be a part of it anymore.

I want to stay here - I love my family. I love my nieces, our pets, this house - it's all so, so important to me. I have put so much time, money, effort, and emotion into keeping this house beautiful and my family happy and healthy. Family has always been everything to me. But I love myself more than this. I'm not willing to put up with her putting all of that in jeopardy. It's not fair to me, and it never has been. I don't think I should be expected to bear this burden that I didn't choose. I feel like I have to give up on everything I care about because of her; I have been robbed over, and over, and over again.

I want to tell my parents that it's her or me. That if they choose her, then they won't hear from me again after I leave. I want to be strong enough for that, but I'm not sure if I am (especially because of my nieces, who I basically treat like my children at this point). I just wish they would love me and themselves enough to put our health and safety above someone who is hellbent on killing themselves in slow motion; someone who doesn't care who they take with them on the terrifying journey down.

If you are a parent to a child with BPD and one without it - please, don't let the problems of one kid become your only focus. Think about how much this impacts your other child/children. Think about how much it hurts you. Please check in with them. Please put their (and your) safety first. People with this disorder are fundamentally unstable. Don't let that instability destroy everything you love like it has for us.

My stepsister (F28) has had BPD since she was a teenager. I (F32) will admit she has come a long way since I first met her, but this illness slowly but surely eats at everything. What doesn't help is that her mom has no backbone when it comes to holding her daughter accountable. My stepmother is afraid my stepsister will "split" or go no contact, and she does something to displease her daughter. I should say, I got caught up in the coddling as well over the last few years, trying not to draw her ire and apologizing for how I reacted to things she said or did to me, while my stepmother prioritizes her own daughter's feelings over mine. Another thing is that my step-sister cannot stand my dad. They usually get into arguments/have the most tension, and it's wild because he tolerates her disrespect most of the time to keep the peace at the cost of his own sanity. He also has done SO much for her, y'all, like he changed the course of her life (and my stepmother's), and they belittle or don't acknowledge his feelings. My dad tries really hard to remain composed and calm because if he reacts, he's made out to be the bad guy and there's no winning. Looking back, I feel bad because I never defended him; I remained Switzerland, and I should've taken a stronger stance.

Well, I did that over the last few days, and we had a blowout. It was like the veil had been lifted and I could see things for what they were. I was being manipulated and perhaps even gaslit. There's a lot of nuance I'm choosing not to include, but the result is that I got "kicked out" of the "club" my stepmom and sister founded. It quickly became a party of two. My stepmom, whom I've known since I was a teenager and had a really good relationship, became instantly distant from me. And, based on a passing comment my dad said to me after the fight, most likely blames ME for how I reacted to what my step sister said to me. As if I have to remain composed when vitriol is being spewed my way, but if it was the other way around, it would 100% be my fault, and I would have to apologize.

When we tried to talk about the blowout as a family to see if anything could be salvaged, my step-sister just deflected and blamed everyone else but herself. She literally said that when I asked everyone to lower the temperature at the start of the confrontation, it was because I had an attitude — that I wasn't actually trying to help. And then it became, "well I FEEL she had an attitude," as if she hasn't ripped other people's heads off for assuming how SHE feels. Then when I attempt to talk and tell her how her words and actions affected/hurt me, stepmom interrupts me and says that my dad and I are ganging up on her. An instant shutdown. Another instance where I'm being told wordlessly that my feelings are secondary when it comes to her daughter.

It was right then that everything became clear to me, even though it's so fucking obvious. I feel foolish and used. I feel like I wasted years getting to know and care about these two for it to end like this. Whatever happens, those relationships are irreparably damaged. I've never had such a loving, yet contentious relationship with someone as I did with my stepsister. I researched BPD to understand her better. I deal with my own mental issues as well, and while I always gave her leeway, that same consideration was never given to me. I'm so angry. I'm so mad that so much of our lives are intertwined because I don't want to interact with them, but I don't have a choice right now. Never bring family into business- just a warning for all of you. It's the worst thing you can ever do.

My goal now is to fix the damage I've done to my relationship with my father by being a bystander. Thankfully, he's understanding about how I got there, but the guilt is eating me.

When somebody annoys you, you take it in stride or talk to the person about what they did was inconsiderate. I just wrapped a get together and my sibling went on a tirade about me being inconsiderate towards her in particular for… talking to my cousins. She said I talked over her, and that I was burping (I wasn’t lol I was very careful to eat politely). I offered her a ride home and she was swearing and blowing her lid the whole way. She nearly jumped out of the car mid drive and when I asked her if she wanted me to drop her off she flipped out on me again and said I don’t listen to her and that I should drive her home. Crazy mixed signals.

The trouble is my sister literally does not actually care what you have to say. She will twist everything we say into being a form of narcissism or an oversight on your part, or that we’re horrible and always playing the victim. This is something she does consistently and I’ve know her my whole life. She is volatile in relationships with me and her immediate family and puts on a performance for other relatives and friends to avoid looking psychotic.

I listened to her rant in a daze because I knew she had to vent. She’s mad when I speak and mad when I’m silent and wants me to feel terrible because some part of her thinks that will rectify her situation. And whatever flaws I have or don’t have do not matter. I could cure cancer and she would still see me as a parasite because it’s not what I do that actually upsets her. It’s that I’m her brother and a convenient excuse to blame her feelings of insecurity and her disorganized rage against our parents. Life is not perfect but instead of accept we all have problems she wants stress toys she can abuse freely without having to seriously self respect and confront her need to project her feelings of ugliness onto us all.

I’m done. I’ll interact with her when needed and drive her home. But she has nothing of value to give or say to me because her narcissism demands I’m torn down for not feeling the self-loathing agony she feels. I’ve checked out and maybe in 10 years if she’s in a better place we can have an okay relationship. But she wants to hold onto that ugliness within her because it lets her excuse whatever decisions or actions or words she feels bad about without understanding the consequences.

She does have some capacity for thought and consideration but she chooses to nuke everything again and again so I’m not sure if it’s real or just a means of telling herself it’s not for her own self-satisfaction like she accuses me of all the time. Like is that it? Is it all projection? Is it really that petty and stupid? Either way that’s up to her to sort out. I am powerless in that regard.

So I posted a few months back (new burner for paranoia reasons) that my sister had managed to bilk some of our family out of a lot of money. The amount that was told to me originally was a lot... Last week my mom called me on my lunch break in a near breakdown and as we're talking she drops a bomb on me. It was actually double the original amount she had told me.. We're talking over $10,000. She said she doesn't know how to handle my sister as she gives new crisis's every other week about how she needs money and is in a desperate situation.

She plays on our mom's emotional side and will tell her she is getting evicted and that her ex-GF emptied her bank account and left her penniless. She's gone as far as even saying she owes someone money and that the person is physically threatening her. Yet every single time the money goes to herself, and never to these made up people or places. It goes to cigarettes, beauty treatments, alcohol and weed.

She has zero empathy and seems to not care at all how badly she destroys our family at this point. If our Mother was homeless and living out of her car, she would still find a way to get something out of her. Mom already doesn't have a ton of money and is now behind on a lot of bills + her mortgage because of the whole situation, but doesn't know what to do as the ultimatum my sister gives are always: "Either I get money or something bad will happen to me."

Our parents are divorced and now I'm wondering how much she could have potentially gotten from our dad without him knowing that she's been doing this to others in the family.

I don't know what to do anymore or how to handle it. It's making me ill and anxious. She's become this never ending blackhole that sucks everything good away and then still gets upset.

My sister was diagnosed with BPD quite a while ago now. Since we were teens (we're now in our 30's), she's been nasty to me, but then turns around and says that I bully her, and according to her have done so since we were children. She constantly mocks my weight, my looks, my health, and speaks of and to me with such contempt. She brings these personally attacks and insults into any disagreement, regardless what it's about. When she goes on and on and I've had enough, I'll make a sharp reply back, but then the conversation becomes about my reaction instead of what she had been doing for god knows how long. She's fixed events a certain way in her head and she genuinely has convinced herself that that's what happened, even if there is definitive proof otherwise. And there is definitive proof because I have gotten to the point that if I sense something going to go wrong, or something has started going wrong, I will audio record on my phone.

So many times she denies saying the things she said, or claiming that I said or did something first, or recruiting our mother to side with her. I'm so tired of being gaslit about what I've experienced from her that I literally feel like I have to have a record for my own sake, just so I know I'm not making shit up.

And our mother, well, I'm the oldest, and my sister the younger one, and our mom is super religious. So in our mom's religious outlook on life, I am her keeper. I need to be the bigger person, let it go, get over it, keep the peace and move on. But she doesn't see how there is never any peace for me.

In one particular instance, several years ago, when my sister obstructed my ability to drive safely by slamming her entire bodyweight on the horn while I was driving, I had to literally shove her off the steering wheel and back into her seat while keeping control of the car. Cue the rage, cursing and insults. Then my sister hopped out of the car at the end of the exit ramp, and walked home from there - a nearly 2 hour walk. I called our mother right away and let her know what happened, and she expected me to trail behind my sister with the flashers on to make sure she got home safely. When I refused because my sister was still screaming obscenities at me when I asked her repeatedly to get back in the car, my mother equated me to Cain. As in Cain and Abel. As in the elder brother that murdered his younger brother due to jealousy in the Bible. My sister endangered us both on the highway, but I was somehow in the wrong, and compared to a jealous murderer. This is just one example of a lifetime of examples, and my sister is still escalating her behaviour, and our mother is enabling it.

It's exhausting and draining, and as soon as I can be out of this situation where I have to live with them I will be ultra-low or no contact, because there is no fixing this.

I feel like my mother might be a borderline or could be a narc. I'm not sure. I'm saying this on the basis of the fact that I dated someone and she was so just like my mother in so many ways. The gaslighting, the abusive nature, the cold apathetic insults, getting called selfish for calling them out, the silent treatment. It was all there. I went with her for couples counselling once and later she broke up with me(before we reconciled after a week). Based on my ex's behaviours my therapist told me that she probably has NPD/BPD. He mostly emphasized on BPD.

Considering the resemblance I feel like my mother might be a borderline too. I'm from India and in our culture we live with our parents. Nowadays even though my mother talks to me normally I feel irritated by her. I feel irritated by how clueless she is. She doesn't get a thing when I get irritated. She repeatedly crosses a boundary even after repeatedly telling her not to do a certain thing. Somehow when she's around I feel irritated. I have realised that it might be because of her criticisms and contemptuous comments that I heard while growing up. I feel like I cannot share anything with her. Any good thing I come across I like to keep it to myself because growing up whatever good thing I had and shared was criticised and ruined by everyone around me, my mother being one of them. One thing I have realised is I tend te become hyper and abusive when it comes to my mother. I hate it. I don't want to be that person. But I guess that's a part of who I am. My therapist made me do Imago and it is then that I realised that I have abusive tendencies and they only come out when it's my mother. They are part of my disowned self as my therapist told me.

Whenever I behave this way or things happen between me and my mother. I feel like I see my ex in myself. At times I feel scared that I might be someone with BPD/NPD too.

P.S: I'm not trying to ostracize all people who are on the BPD spectrum but dealing with people like my mother and my ex. I never wanted to be like them. And to think I'm like them, it bothers me.

Hey everyone.

I just needed to be doing something, since shit is hitting the fan as I type.

My older sister has now officially been evicted. She sent a picture of her stuff on the sidewalk to my parents and to the cousin whatsapp group.

The cousins didn't respond, either because they know better, or because they don't understand what is happening.

I am visiting my elderly parents with my daughter and we are on another continent.

We are in contact with the bailiff by whatapp, but my sister is losing her grip with reality. And we are trying to get her stuff moved to a storage unit.

I don't want to deal with it and I can't bear to see my parents lose their minds trying to parent a 50 year old from another continent.

Sighhhh

It has taken me almost a decade to figure out what is going on with my sister. I do not know if she has a formal dx (I hope that’s okay for this sub) but multiple family members, in-laws, family of ex spouse, therapists have all suggest BPD.

We were never really close, I assumed mostly due to a 4+ year age gap. The first major verbal attack came when she was about 35. She was pregnant so I gave her a pass. Then it happened again five years later. She later said it was her husband making her say all these things. So I give her a pass again.

Another five years later her husband of 25+ years is having an affair and has filed for divorce. She doesn’t tell ANY of her friends (and she appears to have many). Instead she calls me at 7 am (different time zones) with a story about DV, self harm, guns in the house, it’s moving day, she needs police at the house, she’s hysterical. I jump into protective older sister mode. I enlist my brother. I call the police from 2000 miles away. For the next 18 months I take 3-5 calls a day from her/ walking her away from the cliff. Calming her down.

Meanwhile, her divorce is about as ugly as one can imagine (with the exception that no one was physically injured). Her ex’s family has to get a restraining order, she can’t obey it and spends a night in jail (over an email!). And I am literally all in as the “fighter” she says she needs to help her at this time.

Eighteen months after the divorce is final she meets someone and they get married. He is an absolute saint. He may not be human. And she drops me like a hot potato. Honestly am I so relieved. She was exhausting. But that’s what you do for family.

The next 5-7 years are a downward spiral in our relationship. Suddenly everything I say is wrong. My tone is wrong. My texts remind her of her ex- “because I use bullet points”. 😳.

I begin to notice a pattern. She is fiercely loyal to my mom, and my mom to her. She can do know wrong and my moms heart is still broken because while she is so happy for the new SIL, her grandkids have divorced parents.

She turns to religion - become ocd about it. Is making all these promises to God to be “obedient” to everything she thinks he is telling her. There are moments of mania- writing a blog, a Ted Talk, a YouTube channel- all of which get her in trouble and her ex-husband he he keeps taking her to court.

One major pattern is that she will go absolutely bonkers screaming and yelling at me on the phone for the most simple of misunderstandings. On occasion I’ve said “[sister], I am in the car with [one of mu kkds] “ and she will just hang up on me.

A few days later I will try to approach the topic. If I am angering her so often what can I do to be better? Every. Single. Time. She says “I’m over it. Life is short. Get over it. I’m not rehashing it.”

I went on like this for five years. It took a toll on my mental and then physical health. Then three years ago she really crossed a line that had the potential to really cause a cancer among my adult kids. I tried to ask her to stay in her lane and just give (religious) advice to her own kids. She was ruining relationships by always sending religious stuff to mine. (And they aren’t even anti- religion- it was just over the top!).

Anyway- this is way too long. I finally went NC/LC with her three years ago. The first year was NC and I eventually evolved into LC if it was a holiday and lots of people would be there to serve as a buffer.

Well, after three years of no phone calls. All texts having at least one other family member on them, the only one on one contact was “happy birthday” and “thanks” each year. So after three years of that she sends me and my brother (who had a decent relationship with her because he’s learned how to walk eggshells and he’s clearly a better person than I am) a voice message where she is in a complete meltdown about a chronic medical condition her new (8 years) husband received. It sounded like a desperate call for help. So she got me. I called her to do a welfare check. (Brother called first and it went straight to voice mail). She answered on first ring and is happy as a clam. I don’t know what makes clams happy- but she was that. For over an hour she unloaded all of her stressors. I mostly gray rocked but curiosity did cause me to ask a couple questions.

Then she says she wants a sister relationship and basically asks for a clean slate, full forgiveness of any “weaknesses” over her entire life (when she has not once, ever apologized or taken accountability for anything). I knew where this was headed so I redirected and got myself out of the call- wishing her well, hoping she finds a new rhythm to her new life with his dx. I explained that the last three years have been progress in my opinion because there has been no contention. Essentially I told her “this is what our relationship is”.

I didnt get all riled up. It isn’t on my mind constantly- but clearly it’s there as I am not sleeping at night. Or not sleeping deeply.

I’m really concerned about her. I think that’s the part that’s subconsciously keeping me from calming down enough to sleep.

I have a plan- if she leaves me a distressing message again I am calling an agency local to her for a welfare check.

But I think I’m also terrified of being manipulated back in. I see a therapist 2-4x/month.

This was so long. So sorry. Any advice or information about whether this fits BPD would be appreciated. Clearly not expecting a diagnosis. But if I’m on track with that line of thinking, maybe learning more about it will have me better prepared for the next time?

Has anybody gone the inpatient treatment route for their loved one?

I’ve been struggling with my 16 year old daughter, well basically for all her life, and she’s progressively getting worse. Where she used to have a blow up/melt down every couple weeks, it is happening almost every other day. The most recent one is because her step dad took a vape out of her room (laying in plain view) while he was turning the lights off that she left on before she went to school. Good days are few and far between now and she’s getting to the point where she creates these false narratives about us, and other people and I truly think she’s starting to believe her stories and lies. Some of the stuff she says is very malicious and slanderous for example we are neglectful and abusive etc. Everytime I turn around she’s creating chaos within the family. The only time she’s nice, is if she wants something or if everything in her world is just the way she wants it. All hell breaks lose if one thing doesn’t go her way (fight with her friend, the cat didn’t want her to pick him up…the list is endless). She completely goes of the rails and treats everyone in the house terrible whether it had anything to do with us or not. I’ve read the books, we’ve set boundaries and ground rules and we don’t feed the monster but it’s hard, we are all exhausted and I don’t think I can take it anymore.

If anybody has any experiences with residential treatment, good or bad, I would love to hear it.