During triggered reactions what are things your spouse say to you? Sometimes I know its not directly towards me but some days man... it hits lol.

One i got is "i hope you get hit by a car", Ive had times where I laugh and other times I legit felt it in my bones

I know ive done my share or things wrong but I dont say things like that to them, not even close.

How often do you say or do something and break your partner’s trust? Maybe it’s a seemingly minor thing to you but a major breach of trust to them. Does it happen a couple times a week, a few times a year, etc. Just trying to get a gauge of how I’m doing I guess.

Sometimes I feel like my partner completely trusts me, then the script flips and there is no trust at all.

Hi everyone,
I’m 21 and I’ve been with my ex since we were around 17. We’ve known each other for about three years and have an enormous amount of history, memories and experiences together. Our relationship has been complicated for almost two years now, with multiple breakups and reconciliations.
She has CPTSD, and I’m trying to understand whether the pattern we’re stuck in could be related to CPTSD, or whether I simply need to accept that she genuinely doesn’t want to be with me.
More than anything, I’m looking for advice on how I should navigate this situation in the healthiest way possible and hopefully give us the best possible outcome, whatever that outcome ends up being.
I’ll try to explain the whole story.
We were together when we were younger, and our relationship ended around the end of 2024. After the breakup, we went back and forth for about four months. There were periods where we were close again and periods where we weren’t.
In May 2025, she came back again, but eventually left again. Towards the end of 2025, she contacted me again.
Then from February until May 2026, we were officially together again. During that period, things were actually improving. We communicated better than we ever had before, and I genuinely felt like we were making progress as a couple.
One thing that has remained consistent throughout all of this is her doubt.
Her doubt isn’t usually “he treats me badly” or “I don’t love him.” Her main question is:
“Is he really the man I’m supposed to spend my life with?”
She says the doubt eats her up inside.
At the beginning of our most recent relationship, she actually told me something that really stuck with me: she said that she had always been in love with me, but that she had previously denied it to herself.
She has also told me that she loves me and misses me. When we’re together or when we have really good contact, things can feel completely normal. We can talk, laugh, connect and have a good time. She can tell me she loves me and misses me.
But there seems to be a very strong pattern whenever there is distance.
If we’re close, things are generally good.
If there is some distance, her doubts come back.
This happened again recently.
She started working night shifts while I was in the middle of my exams. Our schedules became completely different, so we naturally had less contact and less time together.
Last Wednesday she told me that her doubts were back.
I panicked and pulled away from her a bit, which I now realize probably wasn’t the best reaction.
We didn’t really speak until Friday. We eventually called, and for a while everything actually felt good again. We talked normally and connected. But then she suddenly said that it didn’t feel right for her.
She then had Saturday morning until Monday evening completely off from work. She was exhausted and completely drained. We didn’t really talk that weekend because she was so burned out.
On Monday I messaged her and told her that our conversation didn’t have to happen immediately and that it could wait until she felt better. She told me that she didn’t feel 100% and that she had felt almost depressed throughout the weekend.
Another thing that makes this difficult for me is that her psychologist actually told her about a month ago that it was a good thing that we were serious about each other again.
I obviously don’t know everything they discuss in therapy, and I’m not trying to speak for her psychologist. But that made me feel like the relationship itself wasn’t being viewed as something inherently unhealthy or bad.
Since then, I’ve also become quite anxious and paranoid.
There is a guy who did something with her during one of the periods when we weren’t together. I became worried that they might have started talking again. I asked a friend if he knew whether they had contact again. He told me they didn’t.
Then the next day, that same guy added me on Snapchat.
Because I wanted to be honest with her, I sent her a screenshot and told her about it.
Her reaction was basically: “Wtf, this is so cringe. Are you 12?” and she became quite distant and mean towards me.
I understand why my behavior could have looked weird or controlling. I was acting out of anxiety and paranoia rather than actually having evidence that anything was happening.
Now we’re basically in a bad place again.
She has ended things again because she says the doubts haven’t gone away. She says that after around 48 days she still has the same doubts and doesn’t see enough progress.
The confusing part for me is that I did see progress. Our communication really was better than before. She even agreed with me that we had improved, but said that this didn’t change how she felt about the fundamental doubt.
And this is where I’m completely lost.
If she genuinely doesn’t want to be with me, why does she keep coming back?
Why does she say she loves me and misses me?
Why can we be completely fine when we’re close, but when there is some distance, suddenly she starts questioning whether I’m the right person?
I don’t want to blame everything on CPTSD. I know her doubts might simply be genuine and that she may ultimately decide that I’m not the person she wants to spend her life with.
But I also can’t ignore the pattern.
It feels like:
Distance → doubt → anxiety → relationship conversations → breakup → missing each other → reconnecting → closeness → everything feels good → distance → doubt again.
And this has happened repeatedly for almost two years.
We also have a very deep history because we’ve been together since we were teenagers. So I don’t know how much of what keeps bringing us back together is love, how much is attachment, how much is familiarity and safety, and how much is simply the fact that we’ve grown up together.
There is also another thing I’m struggling with.
She is going to start studying soon and she has a lot of ambitions and things she wants to do. I genuinely want to support her. I know her well enough to know that studying is likely going to be difficult for her, and I want to be someone who supports her rather than adds more pressure to her life.
But I also feel like almost nobody around her is really considering all these different factors together.
A lot of the people around her seem to agree with whatever she is currently feeling. I don’t mean that they are bad people, but it feels like many of them are “yes men” who validate the immediate feeling without necessarily looking at the entire history or the recurring pattern.
I’m not saying that I know better than everyone around her, and I’m definitely not saying that she shouldn’t listen to her friends.
I just feel that nobody is really stepping back and asking:
“Why does this keep happening specifically when there is distance? What happens inside her when she starts doubting? What role does CPTSD potentially play? What role does our attachment and history play? And what would actually be healthiest for both of them?”
That’s what I’m trying to understand.
I also recognize that I have my own unhealthy reactions. When she expresses doubt, I become scared of losing her. I sometimes seek reassurance, overthink things or try to figure out what is happening. I know that can create even more pressure for her.
I don’t want to become someone who constantly tries to “fix” her or convince her that I’m the right person.
At the same time, I don’t want to walk away from something that might actually be workable because I misunderstood what was happening.
And honestly, I’m scared that she’ll eventually come back again, because that has happened every other time — and that I’ll immediately take her back because I love her, only for us to end up in the exact same situation again.
I don’t know if I even want to continue this cycle anymore.
Part of me feels like I’m her “safe person” or a place she returns to because I’m familiar and she feels safe with me. But I don’t know whether that’s enough to build a stable relationship.
I want to emphasize that I’m not asking this subreddit to diagnose her or tell me that everything is caused by CPTSD.
I’m trying to understand what I can realistically do.
How do I navigate this situation in the healthiest way possible?
Should I give her space? Should I remain available? Should I stop discussing the relationship completely? Should I encourage her to work through these doubts with her psychologist? How do I support her without becoming responsible for regulating her emotions?
And if we ever do try again, what would actually need to change to prevent us from repeating this cycle?
I’m not looking for people to simply tell me “leave her” or “get her back.”
I’d really like to hear from people who have CPTSD themselves or partners of people with CPTSD:
Have you experienced this kind of pattern where the relationship feels good during closeness but doubts become overwhelming when there is distance?
Can CPTSD contribute to repeatedly questioning a relationship or feelings for a partner even when the relationship itself is objectively improving?
How can a partner support someone with CPTSD without becoming their emotional safety net or constantly providing reassurance?
And finally, how would you navigate my specific situation if you were in my position?
I love her and genuinely want the best for her, even if that eventually means accepting that we shouldn’t be together. I just want to make the most informed and healthy decision possible rather than reacting emotionally to another breakup.

As I’ve both viewed and written in our group, I have noticed a familiar pattern between all of us patners of CPTSD sufferers.

I have noticed that the majority of the posts or responses I have read indicate that as partners, we are alone with an indication that WE have no support outside of this group or our partners.

And by no means am I judging, as I too am one of those individuals who feel alone with no supports. And have only recently admitted to a therapist as well as to my family what my own marriage of 18 years and myself and our 4 kinds have bent going through with my partners behaviour.

But it makes me wonder, what is it about our partners CPTSD that we end up becoming isolated from our own circles or supports?

For me it was her emotional chaos and me feeling the need to manage her image to those around me, and making excuses why she did or was or acted the way she did, and over time it just became easier to remove myself from those supporting people in order to stop feeling the need to cover and manage for her to them.

So I am curious, based on my own experience, what is it about our partners that have caused us to become isolated and without supports?

I have no one to talk to about this. Sometimes it is hard. Some days are really good, and then some nights are hell on earth. No matter what, I can't ground her and fights erupt and I sometimes have no idea what to do other than cry. I love her so much and I hate seeing her go through this.

Just to edit in and add, I have no support outside of her. This is kind of a rant/off my chest type thing. I'm open to chatting with anyone, we're all in this together I suppose.

My (29 F) brother (38 M) has cptsd, and long refuses to seek any help for it. I’m looking for advice/input on how to broach uncomfortable topics with him without him taking it as an attack and going scorched earth before he calms back down. He does this with every single person in his life, family, friends, employees, etc. nothing is ever his fault, but spends the whole meltdown reciting the usual speech of “I’m just a fuck up I can’t do anything right & everything is all my fault”

It can be something has trivial as asking him to complete a task that he forgot (hanging a clothes line) and it will snowball into how he’s always the victim. Every single time. It’s exhausting, and it saddens me that he chooses to live life in his delusions rather than get some help to handle his emotions and have some healthier relationships.

Anyone have any input on how to try to have a conversation without him throwing a week long fit?

i don’t have a support system, my eyes are strained from looking at the screen for extended periods because of injury, but i need someone to talk to :( my fiance wants to stop our relationship to fix himself, but still wants to continue us to talk, i don’t know how to do that, i suffered miscarriage, in the middle of preparing for licensure exam. all this started when we had a crisis the other night, we both panicked, but prior to this, we were having plans to go to couple therapist.

i don’t know where to stand now, i can’t focus on my license exam, and my grieving, because he says he’s not ready to be in a relationship with me, and suddenly is unresponsive when i bring up couples therapy to him.

i just believe, that should we had that couples therapy on time, we wouldn’t have ended up in that crisis that led us to this situation in the first place.

i wish i can call anyone, i’m so heartbroken and exasperated, my schedule with psychologist will be in a few days, but i don’t know how to het through to now :(

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

hi, do you guys have any leads? did things get better? i’m really desperate :(

In the long term effort to develop strategies for managing her flashbacks, my girlfriend's therapist suggested we put together a box of items for grounding, and a written list for me to refer to when supporting her.

It seems to be that my girlfriend, but mostly the therapist, thinks the problem I have with supporting her is that I don't remember what to do, when it's that she's disoriented and pretty much nonverbal during flashbacks so I get barely any input about what is or isn't working, and she will automatically reject or ignore pretty much everything I say because it's a change and/or she's dead set on bullying herself into submission. This self-created list comes after the therapist gave us a list of grounding exercises that my girlfriend cannot/will not engage with, because she just cannot control herself enough to do anything for more than a few seconds.

It would be great if this were likely to work, or if I'd been included in the discussion, but it's just assigning me a useless additional thing I now have to do in the middle of a crisis. I have to go and get this box and read a piece of paper in total darkness (most of her flashbacks are at night and she's extremely photosensitive), and present her with the things in it (every vaguely useful thing is in her bedside table anyway), all while she's crying and screaming and compulsively self harming unless I jump in and physically block her .... so that she can reject or not respond to all of the options anyway, because what she wants to do is punish herself for being alive.

There is some sort of fixation on the box and the list that means any indication that I'm not into it is taken as a refusal to engage and be supportive. It literally does not contribute, because I already know everything in the box and what worked because I developed pretty much all of these strategies, but now there is this ritual I have to do on top of everything else that proves my supportiveness in a way that staying up for hours and hours in the middle of the night to manage her, taking her step by step up and down the stairs, reading up on trauma and recovery literature, cooking all her meals, telling her stories to distract her, and everything else does not.

She's not unaware the majority of the time that there is a huge amount of pressure on me in these circumstances, and that the therapist and others we know really don't understand what actually happens during the flashbacks -- I think they picture someone who's very distressed, but present and able to verbally communicate, which is very much not the case. I don't know whether I handle her well or not, because clearly I do a lot more than pretty much any professional has to deal with because I can't clock out, it happens at any time of the day or night, the fact that we love each other is heavily implicated in how everything happens, and I've got nobody to supervise or advise me, but also sometimes I just sit there and cry because she isn't responsive at all, nothing I do seems to make any difference, I lose patience and tell her the way she refuses to do anything but scream and hurt herself is just forcing herself to feel worse and then she loses all trust and thinks I don't believe she tries at all.

My partner of 4 years broke up with me for the 4th time. I made a boundary for myself that I would not chase again, so I think this is it. I kept chasing this relationship promising to do better. But I think she demands perfection, which I can't give. She had only received her diagnosis officially within the last year.

We started couples counseling a year ago. My therapist actually referred me to someone who was trauma-informed and skilled in DBT because I think he was starting to piece some things together and suspect some things. She actually broke up with me in the midst of therapy after about 6 sessions (breakup #2), but I said I would be OK if she continued on with that therapist as an individual therapist, because I really hoped it would help her. It was then that she received her diagnosis. Once it was official, I really hoped that the way she viewed me and others might change, but that was naive of me to think that change might occur that quickly. It seems like therapy instead reinforced for her that I'm a bad partner for her, that I'm a "lite" version of her abusive Dad. Maybe this is part of the progression trauma therapy takes you through, and she's just trying to reclaim her power/voice in life. Maybe I just can't give her what she needs and I fail too much, but I tried incredibly hard to be the person she needed.

I suspect that so much of what we've gone through surely has to be related to CPTSD. Though, I'm not so sure she recognizes that yet.

So many of the things that I see people talk about in this community, I endured too. Emotional dysregulation. Beautiful times of connection bookended by lows. Idealization at the start of our "relationship attempts" followed by devaluations once I do something wrong (sometimes instant, sometimes a slow fade). Running away and abandoning when things get overwhelming. Controlling behaviors, usually related I think to wanting to feel more emotionally safe, chosen, in control, valued, or prioritized. Turning small missteps into major slights. Hypervigilance. She was a professional arguer. A lack of deep lasting relationships with *anyone*... friends or family. I can now see that all of this triggered MY own abandonment/rejection fears, and I would placate to try to keep her content instead of standing up for my truth. I'm also not one to give up on problems easily, so I just dug in deep as a fixer personality. What if I had stood up more? What if I wasn't scared to lose her? Where would we be if I had pushed back (with love)? I learned all of this way too late.

The most taxing part of our relationship was that I share custody of my kids with my ex-wife. As early as date 2 my girlfriend was concerned about whether I was truly over this ex or not. I don't believe this fear ever subsided. I tried to tiptoe and walk a fine line between being a good coparent and being a good partner. There were definitely things I had to learn to be better at, it's true that my ex impacted my life more than she should have in a co-parenting situation and there was some level of enmeshment to untangle. But, at the same time, it wasn't extreme (though, I could NEVER show that I'm relaxed about it because I felt I HAD to see things my girlfriend's way). I worked so hard for this woman, and grew so much, and yet still feel like such a failure. She holds resentment for mistakes I made even 4 years ago. So much of our relationship stress revolved around my interactions with my ex, her wanting to see me change the way I interact with my ex, her wanting to see me implement better boundaries with my ex, her wanting to see my entire family prioritize her and choose her instead of what she felt was "prioritizing my ex", her not liking any of my friends because my friends are all also friends with my ex (though we don't hang out at the same time), and so on. Our final breakup was partly spurred on by the fact that my ex texted my sister-in-law to ask for a picture of the kids while I was on vacation with them. Why couldn't she just ask me for that? Is it annoying that she still talks to some of my family? Yes. But I can't control everything. Is this that big of a deal in the grand scheme? I did not think so and chose to let it slide. My girlfriend even admitted this was a trigger, which I am proud of her for saying. Though according to her, the trigger is about ME and all the hell I put her through related to handling my ex poorly. I have to believe that something deeper about my ex is a trigger, and I'm not even sure if she knows what exactly that is. Her Dad was a serial cheater (among other things) and I know she herself was cheated on before (among other bad things). I can't say for sure what's going on. But, to her, my ex "creeps her out" and "is crazy" and "is unhinged" ... and meanwhile I've just always seen my ex as a person who is incompetent, a nuisance, takes advantage at times, and generally "isn't the best" but also "could be WAY worse".. not a creepy unhinged psycho. And to my girlfriend, that's minimizing. My girlfriend once questioned if my son was really my child, or the child of an affair. She told me that she had info that my ex cheated on me during our marriage. When I asked who told her that, it was just "a mutual friend who works in the same industry." Sometimes I wondered if these stories were made up just to get me to fully turn against my ex-wife. Or, I would wonder if MY understanding of my ex-wife is wrong, and my girlfriend is right? I've just been bamboozled this whole time? It makes you question so much ... Anything that occurred related to my ex seemed incredibly blown out of proportion. My girlfriend was/is amazingly smart, successful, beautiful, so much more of what I'd want in a partner compared to my ex-wife, and yet somehow my girlfriend was always seemingly threatened and fearful of something when it came to her. I felt I had to start to see my ex-wife the way she did, or lose her.

And by the way, this is just ONE aspect of tension. If it wasn't this, then it was about my kids behavior. Or my parents behavior. Or something I did wrong that was a slight. So much of our time was spent having "hard taxing conversations" about things she needs from me. Yet the good times were still so good. I was always just trying to get us back to those (sounds like classic trauma bond doesn't it).

Sometimes I wished for a partner who "just simply would not care about half this shit", and eventually I realized that I love this woman, and this woman DOES care, and that's who she is. And I decided to work my ass off to help her feel safe (maybe that wasn't my job, but I digress...). Finally in the end, she couldn't pin a reason for breaking up on something I did wrong in the moment. She pinned it on all the resentment she holds for the things I did wrong in the prior iterations of our relationship and feels like it's all "too little too late". 🫠 It makes me wonder: what if I had this same attitude from the start? I just wasn't well-equipped for any of this.

I always just wanted her to feel safe. It's hard for me to not feel guilty about the ways I failed her. What if I had not been such a people pleaser and made promises to her that would be so hard to keep? What if I had not been so scared of seeing her become severely dysregulated that it led to me hiding things from her at times instead of being radically transparent? What if I had been a pro at validation, assurance, and empathy from the beginning?

Anyways. She doesn't want this relationship anymore, despite her saying that she "loves" me, and this time I'm going to let her go. It's hard to let go of the love I have for her, but also, I feel like I gave it my all the best I knew how and clearly that wasn't enough. I'll just have to love her from a distance. This isn't healthy for me.

Part of me hopes that maybe one day, she'll learn a lot about herself and reflect on all this and have an entirely changed perspective. Maybe she'll become an entirely changed person in time if she stays in therapy? Who knows. I doubt I'd ever be able to trust her fully again after what she has put me through. The good times we shared were amazing. It's too bad that she can't love me in a way that accepts *all* of me, the same way I did for her. I hope she finds someone that brings her happiness.

I will try to keep this brief and concise. How do you and your partner connect?

My partner (43M) and I (34F) have been together for just over 5 years. The first year was a whirlwind of physical and emotional bonding, so much so that I was convinced I had never truly known love before I met him. It has been a downhill spiral ever since...

I have always felt like I'm just living in his world. He only wants to do what he wants to do. He is very bossy and controlling. He doesn't work often, and has had several stints of unemployment during our time together. He spends the majority of his time on his computer, either on YouTube, Twitter, or watching baseball. He does not have any friends or spend time with anyone.

I feel no amount of love from him anymore. He speaks none of the love languages. I feel as though I am just a burden on him, needy and emotional and in the way.

How do you all connect with your partners? I understand that due to his past experiences, he is likely trying to avoid being hurt or traumatized again. But now I am the one being hurt. I feel like he has built a wall between us, and rather than keep him safe, it is hurting both of us.

Any advice or words of comfort are appreciated.

I've (m33) been a lurker on this sub for a while. I'm posting here because I honestly don't know where else to turn, and I just feel broken.

My spouse (32f) has CPTSD and OCD. I love them so much. I’ve tried for years to be understanding, to be patient, to give grace for the trauma and the anxiety. But I am completely drowning.

Over time, our relationship has turned into a setup where I carry literally everything. The mortgage, every bill, the long-term risk of savings and retirement, the daily mental load, all of it all falls on me. Meanwhile, they run their own business, keep all their income separate and buy whatever they want on Amazon and elsewhere without a second thought. (Last month alone, they bought our escrow worth of Amazon purchases on items we do not need).

Every single time I try to gently bring up a budget, or ask for help with household expenses, it feels like dropping a bomb. I get total stonewalling or intense emotional meltdowns. In the past, pushing these conversations has escalated to threats of divorce or even self-harm. It’s left me so terrified and walking on eggshells that my stomach hurts just thinking about bringing up money.

She is working on herself in a way that she has now been on medication to help with the extreme responses. I appreciate that, and it feels like emotions have leveled out a bit. Yet, I don't see her working on herself or her trauma nor actually desiring to. She seems very comfortable.

I feel like a caretaker, not a partner. I am working myself into the ground to keep a roof over our heads while they get to live in this insulated bubble where no adult responsibilities apply to them. And the worst part is, whenever I express how burnt out or sad I am, it gets turned back on me for not being affectionate or validating enough. I am in therapy, and my therapist has been extremely helpful. Putting the work from our sessions into action though is extremely difficult because I am always walking on eggshells at home.

I know a lot of this avoidance comes from deep shame, trauma, and panic. I know they aren't doing this to hurt me. But the actual result is that I am completely isolated, exhausted, and losing myself. I feel like I've kind of lost myself in a way, the things I enjoy.

For anyone who has been here… is there any hope? Did your partner ever actually do the hard work to face their triggers and step up? Or am I just slowly offering myself trying to save someone who will never let me be an equal?

I’m just so tired.

My husband (37m) and I (37f) are getting divorced. This year would have been our 10-year anniversary. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. He was my person, and even with all the heartache and hardships that come with loving someone with CPTSD, I always felt we could get through anything. I went to bed in one world where we loved each other more than anything, and I woke up in another one where he told me I never mattered. He never loved me. Our conversations the week before about buying a house and what month we would implant our embryo never existed. The last three years of therapy and work we put in to building our connection, rebuilding new patterns, and connecting with our inner child are just a painful memory only held by me. The discard is so confusing, but after years of trying to understand him, trying to support him, and rebuilding our lives after every crash-out, I just have to accept that I will never get to understand the illogical alternate reality. I have accepted that only the person who lies gets to know the truth, well, if he chooses to find it.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

Wife (41) has C-PTSP/BPD. She is seeing a therapist, as am I. Everything blew up 8 months ago and she had a total collapse of her life. I as her partner have literally experienced every single thing with her C-PTSD that has ben posted on other threads. (I think we all know the stuff, so it doesn't need to get added in. Its also affected the kids due to her emotional turmoil, control, and dysregulation that bleeds into them almost daily.
We started seeing a therapist back in March, who took 2 visits to fire me as a client seeing that Wife was the unstable one, and I found another incredible therapist that has been a godsend.

Needless ot say, after 18 years of marriage, a total break down of everything on her part over the last 12 months, and a complete awakening on my part to literaly everything I have done to shrink and lose myself for her, and then looking around and seeing the damage that has been done and continues to be done to our 4 kids 6-14, I have come to a clear realization that I no longer have the capacity to handle her anymore. My therapist has acknowledged me saying this. Her therapist in a private session previous to me being "fired" from our joint sessions was made aware of my inability to continue on due to my capacity. Both our therapists have been in communication professionally with one another, and so there is joint support individually.

On thing I am really struggling with is the battle within myself. I know I have no more capacity. I have done it all for her. I have "nice-guyed" it for 17 years before realizing it.. I have over-functioned for her on every level, including taking care of the children. I'm not a perfect dad, But my capacity for them is limitless, while wife has spent our entire marriage underfunctioning in every way due to undiagnosed C-PTSD/BPD until 4 months ago. Once she was diagnosed, 18 years of our life made sense.
But now comes the brutal truth for me, and I have done work for myself, and have de-enmeshed myself from her, I hae also gotten out of my co-dependance on her as well. I have severed myself emotionally from her, and now see her for what she is, and it has left me like so many others here. Drained, a shell of myself, left and dropped hobbies, friends, and family relationships, all for her issues. And I am done with that. I am now rebuilding myself, its working. I have light in my eyes again. My kids can see it, and my kids have seen and are putting the pieces together now about their moms behaviour.

All this to say, I am at my capacity. I have nothing left to offer her. Anything I have goes to me and the 4 kids. And I am seriously contemplating a divorce. But the kicker is, I dont know how. I have all the documents for the accounts, the houses, the birth cert's and health care info for the kids. I have literally everything I need set aside paperwork wise. But I cant seem to bring myself to admit it to her or ask for one.
My therapist and hers know I feel this drained, they both know how prepared I am. My province I am in is a guarenteed 50/50 province when it comes to divorce for child custody, unless there is a proven major safety issue for the kids. So it is "easier" than most provinces or states in that regard.

But I dont know what I am waiting for. Other than myself to built the courage to say it out loud to her. I can see she is doing some work, but I am so drained, I cant see even with the work the future being any better for me. Her weekly dysregulation/dissociation is getting worse in that regard and I find I am being more and more drained by that. She went away for 2 days to visit her family and the kids and I are home together, and my god! it feels peaceful and relaxed and the kids can feel it too. and I sit here guiltily writing this, wishing she would decide to stay at her family's and not come back.

This is kind of a mess, I'm sorry. I just needed to get it off my chest. I guss the real question I have for others who have experieced this, is, As a father and husband of someone who has C-ptsd/BPD, how did you decide it was time to go, and how long did it take you to decide? How did you work through the guilt and anxiety of asking for a divorce and dealing with the abandonment feelings from her end.?
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels a bit with intermittent reinforcement too of seeing her good side. But and hten justifying myself that things are "okay" when inside I know they are not. But then I feel freedom and peace like I do now while she away, and I know everything isnt fine and steps need ot occur to sae myself and the kids.

Thoughts

Hello everyone out there!

I have a partner (F) that has cptsd and we have a toddler daughter together. I am in the midst of prepping for a divorce and wanted to know what some other people's experiences that have gone through a divorce with a cptsd partner, have kids, and what to expect from it?

A little bit about my situation, as advised from my attorney I have no real way to become the primary custodial parent even though my partner becomes un-regulated and ends up blowing up at me or my kid. Instead I am restricted to being the non-primary custodial parent, which I get only the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends with my kid and if I can get the extended, then Thursdays. I am fearing my kid being with her when I am not around and experiencing the brunt of her mother when she becomes un-regulated as she can pop off pretty good. There was one time she just blew off at my daughter and I could see how upset my daughter was, but I was unable to step in due to fear of becoming her new target. This is a hard pill for me to swallow, knowing what could happen to my daughter when I am not around.

Any advice is much appreciated!

I learned a new definition for coregulation today. It didn't occur to me that coregulating is just letting a dysregulated partner borrow your regulated emotions. In a non CPTSD relationship I can see how this is feasible regularly. Small crashouts are manageable but I find myself being tested in my relationship. It's hard to stay grounded and have the capacity for their truths. It's extremely warped, hard to interpret, narrow and absolute at the same time. It's also draining and anxiety inducing. I don't have the energy to stay present 24/7. I don't know which thing will upset them next.

I just want to know how everyone else here is taking care of themselves when there's constant (I won't mince words) emotional and verbal abuse.

I largely didn't bother with sex for the past six months. It's happened, but it was clear she wasn't well enough so I just set it aside for a while. I also wasn't feeling very sexy for my own reasons.

A month or so ago, I decided I'd try to reintroduce it. The main issue has been that she makes herself as busy as possible, so we have an average 2.5 hours to eat and chill in the evenings, not counting other issues.

I thought this week, we might finally have a chance. Turns out that she's been contacted by family and has been on the border of a flashback yesterday and today. I thought she'd come out of it this evening and asked if she wanted sex, but she wasn't interested.

It is what it is. It's very important to me that she feels fully safe to express boundaries, and I'll manage my feelings -- except she's immediately scared I'm angry at her anyway and starts escalating into a flashback, so I have no space to have any feelings anyway.

Discovering that lack of space to feel has been one of the two key issues of managing her CPTSD, I think. Pissing people off happens unavoidably sometimes, and she's unsurprisingly not a great communicator when she has flashbacks and it sets me up to feel really frustrated. I know how to feel my feelings and let them go, but when she's flashing back, she is so utterly terrified of people being angry with her (which I understand the reason for) that I cannot do that at all. It makes my handling of the flashbacks worse, because when I can't back off for five minutes and reset (because of the other key issue: her difficulty doing any calming strategies once she's in an episode), I'm more likely to make mistakes or get overwhelmed myself.

At its worst, she was so constantly distraught that there was flashback after flashback after flashback I was dealing with without having any room to process them for weeks, and I could see my ability to handle them without breaking down dropping so rapidly. It was almost a relief when the frequency started dropping off, and I had the time to have my feelings about all of it, and could respond to the next flashback with a clearer head again.

I can appreciate how she was made to have this insecurity, and she's doing a lot besides leaning on me to get better, although I think she can't be expected to believe she's not in danger unless she has conclusive experience of a loved one who doesn't endanger her. All the same, sometimes I need some room to be pissed off and I don't always have it.

My partner (29m) has CPTSD related from childhood trauma and also workplace trauma. I (29m) have been unable to properly give my partner what he needs in terms of support, as I keep “missing the mark,” dealing with trying to read between the lines on things (eg I need to be seen/witnessed but also leave me alone/give me space). I have OCD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is a deadly combination when it comes to trying to support my partner and not feel defeated when I try to be there for him but apparently go about it in the wrong way.

My partner has severe trauma related to work and has been in continuously abusive workplaces. He has been out of work since June of last year and is afraid to go back to work for fear of retaliation happening again. I understand his plight and how traumatic and stressful this is for him, and also, I have been supporting the both of us financially since and I do not make enough money to comfortably do so. I have accumulated thousands in debt through trying to keep things afloat, and I just don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

My partner is in counseling and finally has a decent informed therapist who I think can actually work with him on navigating the work trauma. He is also incredibly informed and has gone through DBT and is incredibly skilled, and sometimes my partner can intimidate me with how much he knows and is quick to shut me down when I try to give suggestions because he “has already done it all/tried everything”. He is also dealing with a retraumatization period following his last workplace, and I think he has given up in some ways and feels hopeless because he’s already gone through the gamut here, so to speak.

I’m just beyond burned out and I haven’t done a good job of taking care of myself. I’m stressed and struggling. I do research and try to help but it isn’t what he needs. I genuinely feel very very lost and not because of a lack of trying but if anything he says I need to try and put my efforts elsewhere but I don’t know where to go. I feel stupid and confused and totally brain scattered. I wish I could just ask him what he needs directly but I get no answer or told that I can figure it out and he has apparently told me before but I don’t remember because of whatever the fuck is going on in my head right now.

I feel alone and scared. I don’t blame my partner for this and I know I can be doing much better and being more effective but I don’t know how. Does anyone have any resources or experience to help guide me in the right direction? I feel like I’m going crazy between trying to keep us afloat, be supportive, give him the validation and witnessing that he needs, but if he cannot work or find a source of reliable income I don’t know how much longer I can do this and i don’t know if I’m not giving my partner enough grace, being unfair by putting him on a timeline while he’s in treatment, being selfish etc.

Thank you in advance, sorry if this is jumbled

Has anyone experienced something like this?

⁠My partner (mid-30s) has a history of complex trauma but no previous psychotic or bipolar episodes.

After a period of intense stress and the emergence of traumatic childhood memories, he suddenly changed over a few days.

⁠He didn't sleep for 4 nights, became extremely agitated, and seemed to fluctuate between two very different states.

At times he was childlike, affectionate, crying, and deeply attached.

At other times he became emotionally distant, insisted he wanted to leave our relationship, and was convinced he was an empty, fundamentally bad person who was incapable of loving anyone.

⁠During some of these episodes he was also convinced of beliefs that he later recognized didn't make sense, but at the time felt completely real. Beliefs delusional in my opinion (I am sick but my friend is not - when indeed is his friend that is sick) or believing people on the streets were talking about how good the meds were for him.

At times, he is capable to recognize this is not real or coherent.

We took him to psychiatric ER yesterday. By the time he was assessed, he was much more organized, and the team did not think he was having an overt psychotic episode. He was started on medication and discharged with close outpatient follow-up.

⁠My biggest fear isn't the diagnosis itself but whether he'l eventually return to the person he was before. Has anyone seen someone recover from an acute episode like this, especially in the context of severe trauma and sleep deprivation? Did they eventually feel like themselves again?

I am also worried the psychiatrist in the ER is wrong and he is having a psychotic break... Could it just be trauma? could it be DID?

Thank you for your support

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

I (42M) have been married to my wife (45F) for several years, and we have a young child together.

My wife has significant trauma from her past (parentification, childhood sexual abuse, and abusive previous relationships). She's in individual therapy. We've done couples therapy on and off for years. I've also been in individual therapy, completed an IOP after an episode of reactive anger during a relationship conflict, spent time in IFS therapy, and was on anxiety medication for about a year.

Looking back, I realized most of my treatment ended up focusing less on anger itself and more on emotional regulation, boundaries, and coping with the chronic stress of the relationship.

The recurring pattern is this:

A relatively minor trigger (parenting decisions, family, health concerns, schedules, finances, future planning, etc.) can turn into hours-long discussions. If I ask for a pause or say I'm overwhelmed, it often becomes, "You don't care," "You're shutting me down," or "You're blaming me."

If I explain myself, things escalate. If I stay quiet, I'm accused of not listening. If I apologize, it often turns into another discussion about how I still don't understand the hurt I've caused.

It often feels like there isn't a response that actually de-escalates things.

There are also periods where she needs repeated reassurance, revisits the same hurts for months, assumes negative intent behind neutral comments, or experiences disagreement as rejection or abandonment.

Outside of those moments, she's caring, funny, and a wonderful parent. That's what makes this so confusing.

My therapist believes many of these reactions are trauma-driven rather than malicious. We've worked on validation, boundaries, taking breaks before I become reactive, and trying not to get pulled into escalating cycles. Those skills help in the moment, but the overall pattern hasn't changed much.

She tried EMDR but stopped because it felt too overwhelming. Since then she's mainly continued with talk therapy. From my perspective, the recurring conflict patterns haven't changed very much. I often come away feeling like the focus stays on what I'm doing wrong, while the patterns I'm struggling with don't seem to be improving.

I fully own my part. I had an episode of reactive anger that deeply hurt her, and I'm responsible for that. But I don't think this is a story with one villain and one victim. I know I've contributed to our relationship problems. But I also feel like we've reached a point where my mistakes are continually revisited while hers are rarely acknowledged or examined.

The hardest part is what this has done to me.

The relationship turmoil feels like it's become a constant. I've become emotionally exhausted. I feel like, in order to protect my own peace, I've started walling myself off from her. I don't feel free to say what I actually think or feel because I'm afraid it will become another hours-long conflict. I find myself anticipating arguments before family gatherings, vacations, therapy appointments, or even ordinary conversations.

I've kept a journal for over a year because I started feeling like my memory of conflicts didn't match the conversations we had afterward. Looking back, the same pattern repeats regardless of the trigger.

Examples include arguments over routine parenting decisions becoming discussions about abandonment or betrayal, family plans turning into accusations that I don't support her, attempts to take a break from conflict being interpreted as rejection, and ordinary disagreements escalating into threats about the future of our marriage.

The specific topic almost doesn't matter anymore. The pattern is remarkably consistent regardless of what starts it.

I'm not trying to diagnose my wife or paint her as a bad person. I love her, and I genuinely believe she's carrying an enormous amount of pain.

I'm also trying to figure out whether what I'm experiencing is a common pattern for partners of people with CPTSD, or whether I'm missing something important about my own role in it.

If you've lived through something similar, I'd really appreciate your perspective.

• Does this pattern sound familiar?
• Did trauma-focused treatment (EMDR, IFS, etc.) meaningfully change the relationship dynamics?
• How did you distinguish between trauma responses that could improve and a relationship that had become unhealthy regardless of the cause?
• How did you stop feeling like you were losing your own sense of reality?

I'm not looking for validation that I'm "right." I'm trying to understand whether what I'm experiencing is recognizable to others who have loved someone with complex trauma, and what helped you move toward a healthier relationship—whether that meant staying together or accepting that things weren't going to change.