As a recently realized system, something that had always tripped me up at first is that our switches were always more noticeable in retrospect. I think that, like a lot of people, I wasn't fully informed about what life with DID is like and how variable it can be for everyone who experiences it. As a result, I was a bit dumbfounded by switches not being the hard cutoff that I expected and wrote it all off as me just being forgetful.

I knew for a long time that sometimes if I'm in a stressful situation, there's like someone else inside my body that I "became" for a while, and then when they went away, I had little to no recollection of what happened. That's always how I rationalized it at the time.

We don't experience blackouts. (at least, I don't think so...?) It's just one stream of consciousness, but it's like a railroad switch, where the train of thought is now someone else's. It's not very noticeable until I think back and notice the time loss and realize that wasn't me.

I'm much more aware of when it happens now than I was before, and I try not to let it feed into denial, but it does make me nervous sometimes. I know DID is a very personal experience, but are anyone else's switches like this?

EDIT: By "railroad switches," I was referring to the mechanical aspect of train tracks where tracks literally switch to guide the train car in different directions. That's the best analogy I could come up with for what I experience. It wasn't some esoteric terminology I came up with! Sorry for any confusion! ^ ^'

I don’t really know where this is meant to go, but i figured this group is general enough tog eat some ideas.

i’ve recently realized that i tend to dissociate way more than i ever thought. I can’t tell if it impacts my daily life, partly because at this point i believe I’ve become so accustomed to to it but also because of how rigid and stricter my routine has been for years means i just follow that without recognizing the dissociation. There’s also a very high possibility I have something form of undiagnosed ADHD, Autism, or even dyslexia, so I don’t know if that could impact anything.

I believe some of the dissociation I experience aligns with depersonalization/derealization as I’ve frequently experienced moments where it feels like I’m sitting behind or in me eyes and my body isn’t being fully controlled by me. I also frequently find it hard to connect with the idea that anything that is not in my immediate surroundings is actually real and exists when I’m not there. in other words, it feels like my environment and the people in it ‘spawn in’ when I ‘load‘ those specific areas.

i believe I also experience what typically falls in line with emotional or grey-out dissociation. I’ll emotionally withdraw from a situation, or when I think back on a memory I don’t register the emotion that is meant to accompany it despite knowing what emotion i should’ve experienced in the moment. I don’t know if i have experienced any true black out periods, but there could be a multitude of reasons for that.

there have also been times where it will feel like I’m listening to a conversation in my own head. I’ll think something and I’ll hear myself respond in disagreement typically, I don’t dictate the response nor do I control it but it is tunes feels like I’m convincing myself I have to be controlling it. there have also been a couple other times where I’ll randomly get very giggly and bubbly, which I am not typically. I’ll also frequently just consider commenting/posting on a platform, which I very rarely ever do, and sometimes it feels like it would be such an easy thing to do, other times it feels like the most dangerous thing to do. or I’ll be playing a game and I can just feel this bubbling curiosity build from the back of my head. I don’t know where that curiosity stems from considering the fact that I’m playing the game and have made the decision of what I’m doing. More recently a friend has pointed out that I will randomly slip into a distinct accent, which is particularly weird because I do not have an accent different from where I live. With the accent, I only notice that it’s there once they point it out, not once before hand.

i understand that most dissociative disorders and dissociation in general is a trauma response. I struggle to call myself traumatized because I don’t believe what I have gone through is traumatizing, but I’ve spoken with friends who are able to recognize trauma traits in others who have told me that some of what I have experience is traumatic, so I really don’t know. Right now it feels a lot like I’m trying to convince myself I have something, and I really have no idea if I even could.

im kind of just looking for advice, I’m hesitant to tell anyone my thoughts or be vulnerable with them. I’m not in a position to get therapy or anything along that line, but I want to be better informed and get an outside perspective.

i made a mistake okay? and i hate making mistakes because when i was a child i was screamed at, hurt, and looked at with disgust for the smallest of mistakes, for speaking my mind, for breathing too loudly, for existing I guess, every day of my life for so many years until i moved out so i made a mistake at work and my coworker said "don't worry about it" and i told my last supervisor and she said "this is fixable" "you were responsible for too many things and it shouldn't have been on you" and "you're still trusted" and she could tell i was anxious i was pacing around and now inside there is screaming and the fear that i'm going to get punished and im ready to apologiE and to be fired and the little is screaming and afraid shes going to get hurt and trying to take over and im frozen at my desk trying to work feeling so ashamed that im having this reaction because i think everything is going to beokay but i dont know what to do right now whil i feel that the world is caving on my head and i'm going to be dreafully hurt and i need to tell my current supervisro that i made am istake but im so anxious oh gosh its like all the circuits are scrambled right now, been like this for hours, cant underseatnd what to do i am just so sorry and i feel hautned b the screams

Before We Were People

We Were Voices

Before We Were Voices

We Were Sounds

Before We Were Sounds

We Were Feelings

Before We Became Feelings

We Were Made Emotions

And Before We Became Emotions

We Started Off As Songs

And Now As People

We Have Became Oaths.

And Because We Have Made Oaths We Raised Into Pillars

And Pillars Remain Unbroken.

i've been losing touch with life for weeks now because of new traumas happening. i'm still in the house that caused my disorders, and i know that's the main issue here, but is there literally anything i can do to stablize even a little? i haven't been fully present in forever. my life is a constant blur, and it seems like new triggers happen everyday.

i just want friends like me.

friends who forget where they put things after placing them and completely block out the memory of even being in that room like me

friends shoved into the role and box of the fool because thats how they can get away with feigning singelness

friends bound to catatonic movement that leave them feeling like a robot or a hollow puppet.

friends who dedicate themselves to treating their littles with love through external gestures that make us as a grown adult, seem childish and "stuck in the past".

friends who dont see their brain as a horrible curse but a glorious display of resilience and creativity

friends who would like to indulge with me and share their brain endeavors and would frolic with me in lala-land to escape the horrors of childhood neglect and assault.

i just want friends like me.

friends who dont cast me aside, who dont invalidate for their own sake, who don't judge me for the way that im uniquely am.

i just want friends for my friends. like me.

Hi,

Was wondering if there is a difference (or if it even matters beyond semantics?) between having a persecutor who is focused on making the other alters stay quiet/hidden/unnoticed/unseen, and having comorbid Schizoid PD?

If you have both DID and Schizoid PD/adaptations, does that change the way you approach treatment or understanding yourself?

I'm a bit new to navigating life as a system. I actually heavily doubted it for so long because I swore up and down that I didn't have amnesia. After reflecting for a long while, I realized that I was wrong. Really wrong.

I have really severe dissociative amnesia. It's to the point where I do not remember my daily life. I thought my memory was fine because the amnesia was covering all the blank spots. A significant event that made me realize this was one day when I ate lunch, and when I was asked a few hours later if I had eaten, I struggled to even remember whether the plate I ate off of was real, or if I had just imagined it happening, or if it was a different day entirely. That's how my life has always been. It took me this long to realize something was off because I genuinely just thought this was how memory worked for everyone.

Currently, the only solution I've been able to come up with is writing down every single action I complete immediately after it happens. The thought process being that if I can't remember, I'll at least have something I can reference. The issue is that that's cumbersome, yknow? I've tried digital journals and physical ones, and yet it's still so inconvenient that I can't keep it up for long.

My amnesia really interferes with my daily life. I forget events, important conversations, whether I've taken care of myself, whether I've taken my meds; it's terrible. I struggle to log symptoms too because I can't remember when they happen.

I still live in the stressful environment that I grew up in, and my therapist and friends all insist that my memory will be better when I move out. I agree, but I don't have the means to do so yet. I'm not looking to find repressed memories; I just want to remember further back than five minutes in my daily life.

I'm kind of at my wits' end, and I would really appreciate it if anyone out there has a clever solution that could help me remember more things!

This is my very first Reddit post, so I hope it's understandable. Thanks in advance.

Has anyone here been diagnosed with suspected CTE (Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy) after enduring repeat TBI’s in childhood?

Just wondering how you differentiate between bad periods of DID amnesia and actual permanent mental decline?

Do you know whether you can trust your memory or judgement? I have a part with stellar long term memory. I’m worried it will fade and that I’ll instead make up new memories to fill the gaps, because I know denial is a symptom.

How do you handle antisocial behaviours that slip out with heightened stress, but has nothing to do with who’s fronting? I.e. my whole system finds me embarrassing if a really respectful, well-behaved part all of a sudden has lost it and is lashing out. Obviously I always take accountability, but it’s a disturbing feeling when the violence doesn’t match the part fronting.

Any advice for living with both?

I’m currently at Stage II CTE, it’s a bit daunting, so any advice is much appreciated

Ps. I say probable because it can currently only be confirmed post-mortem. So basically, I was diagnosed as-far-as-they-can-tell

One of our 8 year old child alters, Blue, keeps fronting and being really upset and scream crying while I'm concious (so i guess she's co-fronting? Hmm...) and I don't know how to stop it. She's calmed down now but our two cats who keep growling at eachother aggressively upset her because she thinks that they're mad at her. The obvious solution is staying away from the cats, but they're under my bed and our sisters bed, and Blue likes the warmth of our blankets as it helps keep her grounded. The first episode we've ever had happened yesterday for 4 hours straight and I couldn't move at all during it. Horrible. Our 11 year old sister had to comfort us (17M) while Blue was being violently sad.

What I've found to work is to focus on other things. Blue doesn't want much at all, but she REALLY loves Melanie Martinez so I've just made a playlist of our favourite songs by her that goes for a little bit and that's all we've been listening to in terms of music.

But I keep feeling her trying to front as I start crying heaps but then I get back control and I'm fine. I also have no idea how to let her front properly, or any of my alters for that matter, so maybe that's contributing to it. Just feeling really switchy.

Any advice is appreciated.

Cheers guys.

Main here with a question, what do you do when things get oddly calm for a few days? I've had the voices and hallucinations for years but every so often there's a sort off... Odd day for lack of a better term. While working yesterday it was strangely quiet in my head and I had a bit more focus even though most of the day was a haze. Later in the evening there was a switch according to my wife, the feminine alter came out and tried on some of her new items. She's normally the quietest of the bunch so it's surprising that she came out.

As stated it's unusual to have more than one or two days a month where there's little to no extra noise upstairs. On top of the stress switching while we work through our own problems and mechanisms. Any advice, conversation or input is appreciated! 🖤

rant incoming, sorry for language

I'm so angry and disgusted. mostly at myself, but also them, just the world.

our therapist (DID specialist, SO hard to find in this fucking shit hole of a country), told us today that she was at a conference where like 85% of her "colleagues" denied both the existence of DID and of organized abuse. ​according to them it just doesn't happen and it's all fake.

it's like not only do we need to become multiple in order to survive this shit, afterward no one will fucking believe us. it's sickening how DID is in both the ICD-11 and DSM-5 but still so-called professionals deny its existence. not like we don't struggle with denial already. so yeah, maybe it's all fake, and we're fake, and everything is actually fine forever. hell, maybe i don't even exist. that feels like the most likely option actually. fuck this shit

TW: mild(?) mentions of internal sexual assault.

That's it. That's literally fucking it. They enable the littles and they behave horribly because of it. I don't mean "they're annoying," I mean they actually act like the worst kind of person. Try to force me to be romantic and have sex with system members who have raped me so they can live vicariously through me. And more, but that's the worst of it. I know I shouldn't say bad things about them, but I'm venting lol. And it's even worse because when I ageslide to be really young, they treat me even worse knowing I'm vulnerable. So I force myself to be an adult all the time. What the fuck ever.

Can anyone relate? Feels very lonely over here.

Edit: just wanna make it clear that I know I'm supposed to play nice with them even when they're being inhumane. Easier said than done. No hate :p just needed to vent.

Hi, I'm Artemis, and I was wondering if anyone would have any clue why this us occurring or how to help.

TL;DR: Significant internal alters are frontstuck during a system lockdown and we have no idea why or how to help it.

We've been going through a sort of system lockdown lately, where we can't really access anyone internally. What we do know is that us "upper-level" alts (e.g. ones who usually have more say in the system/have a lot of significance internally, but we are not like our major gatekeepers) are frontstuck right now. H, Athena, and I (Artemis) are all pretty unable to access the internal space all that much, except for a few caveats?

H, Athena, GF, GM, and I have access to different sections of the headspace. Conceptually, in our inner world, H is akin to a portal (through which alters will front), Athena is a skybridge, and I'm a different bridge. GM and GF are both gatekeepers for different sections (GF is the front's gatekeeper, GM is for a section we have no access to) and can go into and out of headspace but not the rest of us. H, Athena and I are said to be the kind of connection between subsystems and we can kinda see into it but not access it like we usually can, as in the "land" we connect to is blocked out by a fog.

We still get a lot of fragment interference in everyday life who kinda run us on autopilot for everyday tasks, but that's pretty limited to routine chores like washing the dishes.

It makes things both easier and more difficult. Easier because we have fewer internal heads to manage for now, but harder because our skills and knowledge of the outside world is largely trapped internally now and we are kinda walking around like a bumbling idiot.

Any advice or thoughts appreciated,,

i am not a system and my friend is. i dated one of the alters who was host at the time, i didn’t realise they were a system until after i was already like head over heels in love with him. then we broke up and he went dormant for around a year. but i found it really hard to adjust because it wasn’t on bad terms and i just really missed him. then the new host started dating someone and changed all accounts from the alter i was dating’s name (which i understand). but it just made me feel really weird as it felt like he was being erased and because the alter i dated was the one who identified with the body more so than the other alters. and it hurt to see someone who looks like him be with someone else, even though he wasn’t around anymore. thankfully he came back from dormancy, after a year. but, i never really got over him and missed him the whole time. time passed, we saw each other less regularly than before, but we still did. we (me and the system) stopped talking regularly for a while because of the new host’s partner not wanting them to talk to me. then they broke up and there was a new host. i had been very open and caring and letting them know that i’m there for them and we became really good friends (me and this new host). they’re younger than the bodily age and i just wanted to keep them safe. when my ex would front we would have this tension that was unspoken, which we now know is because we still love each other and we have the whole time. but now the new host is dating somebody, who they met online. and their whole family know about them, and they’re the phone lockscreen. and it hurts me because, i’ve been yearning and loving this man for 2 years, one of those years not even being able to talk to him. i finally found out he feels the same way as me. but we will never be able to be together, and his family won’t be able to know. and i want the new host to be happy, i really do. but it hurts me, because they just met this person and now they’re everything. and i can’t love anyone else. i don’t know how to deal with it. does anyone have any advice?

We’re a system (21M) of 4 years (diagnosed) and we’ve been recieving therapy ever since, aside from the last year since we’ve been having money issues, however it’s been more or less under control within the system since aside from 2 (mostly dormant) alters, everyone’s cooperative.

Our friend group is a small, trusting group with 3 boys and 2 girls, one of which is us and we ended up going on a vacation with this said group, in which our system is known, along with all alters.

I (host, Fire) have not been active throughout the one week long trip since i had issues with my bpd (diagnosed, again) the day before; and one of our social alters (Enzo) switched in as the meetup was made, and he held front for 4 days, and the last 3 days were taken by Kane, who is another social alter with a much higher responsibility sense, and today, (the day after the trip ended) i switched in to see i’m back in my house, the entire trip having ended, multiple photos shared from my friends’ accounts, and i dont have a singular memory of any of it.

I just would love to know, fellow systems; how do you handle these types of situations? because i’m currently facing a real “i missed out on everything” situation which definitely is NOT helpful on my borderline account, i just need some advice is all; im open to any and all questions/advice. thank you

Hi. We might have to stay inpatient for psychiatric reasons soon. We are all wary of hospitals due to very severe medical trauma (a lot of unnecessary reconstructive surgery as a child/in general being sickly/hospital as a teen for our Ed) and I don't know how we should prepare for it. A lot of our main trauma which caused us to dissociate as a young child was medical in nature. Our littles in particular are terrified. This is a very much last resort thing as I believe we are too unwell and need to be in hospital for our own safety. Thank you

My sleep was always bad and I often had one nightmare per night for a long time until recent system discovery one month ago, now my sleep was relatively peaceful with just normal stress dreams since discovery...until today.

After hearing that we were the same person from our therapist one of my alters didn't take this very well then got very sad disappeared/tried to force a merge with me (it failed), and in the end returned as three different alters that I all recognized as facts of this first alter I got to know, I accepted this and just wanted to give them time, but my sleep ever since is worse than before, it feels deeper and like a constant cycle of nightmares, I don't just have one nightmare per night like before, it's like one nightmare ends and I get thrown into another nightmare immediately, like an endless nightmare loop, and it's very hard to wake up too, what is going on? Is this normal?😭 Usually I'll try to resolve any discomfort in the system by trying to communicate with the part experienceing it, but these new three parts have for the most part retreated, so communication is very difficult now, it's even hard to hear them sometimes and feels very faint even though the alter they came from was almost always present in the front and acted as a protector, too.

I will obviously talk about this in therapy, but I'm still waiting to see a trauma specialized therapist as well because of long waitlists (my current one is coordinating with a trauma therapist until I can find one), so any insight I can have would be super appreciated thank you so much

I have a family member who claims I'm faking our DID and putting on a show. Idk, what the show is. I blacked out one time in front of them for just a few seconds. I asked others i didn't say anything or do anything other than get pissed and walk off. I don't and can't switch on command. I litterly have camers all through my house just to track what I do or find things I just had. I had these long before DID was a thought in my mind. I just knew I heard voices in my head. The aggressive one. The flirt. And the little me. I have tiles on all my stuff because my memory is so bad. I just don't know what I could gain from faking this. It's hell. I can't stick to classes for hobbies, I have had so many doctors and dentists let me go for completely missing appointments. I finally got a team of doctors and such for me and my kids who just charge me full price for missed appointments instead of dropping me. I have been diagnosed 3x by diffrent psycholgist. My newest speacilzes in diss dsorders and body language. What more can I do to prove I'm not faking this. I don't know what I'd get out of faking this. It's so stupid but I'm an adult and feel so heart broken. This isn't something I want.

we entered crisis mode at 4am this morning and it has not stopped, the panic attack only lasted 4ish hours but we still cannot relax at all and are so nauseous from how tense we've been all day, we have no support system and i have no idea how to make this stop, please help

Most of us have the uncontrollable instinct to mask around others. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if we had a single host, but we haven't had a particular one since we were a child, so nobody knows who they're supposed to be acting like; we're just doing what we think other people expect us to do, which slightly varies alter to alter. It's created this weird feedback loop where we're constantly confused, dissatisfied, and unable to really live our own life.

We're still young, so most alters mask as some version of our teenage self, though others can go even younger. This was mostly fine when we were growing up, but it's become really hard to grow into an adult identity. It's like all of us are just sitting in the backseat when literally anybody taking the wheel for longer than a few days would be better.

I think the fact that we're often around people who've known us since childhood is limiting us. We didn't have a solid identity as a kid of course. Meeting new people is difficult because we still end up calibrating to whatever we think they expect. This seems like partially a fawning thing, partially a compensation for dissociative amnesia.

The issue is most apparent with our best friend. We've known him since we were kids and grew up really close. But there's something in our head that insists we have to "act right" around him. Nobody who fronts these days actually knows what "acting right" entails, so we just shut down, go on autopilot, and let him direct every conversation while we panic and react internally. Hanging out feels like an obligation similar to family interactions now. We care about him and have vague memories associated with him, but we don't typically feel that connection because it existed between him and a set of parts that aren't around anymore. It's impacting our friendship and I don't know what to do.

Is there a particular therapy model that would help with something like this? If you have any advice or anecdotes, those would be appreciated too. Since we've never been able to mask properly, people already know and accept us as a moody eccentric, so I'm not too worried about potential reactions at this point.