r/DatingTO • u/Next_Language4987 • 8d ago
Why does dating feel like a group project?!
Is it just me, or is dating in your 30s wild because apparently every Toronto man I've come across will say he wants a relationship but does not participate in the relationship?
You’re expected to contribute, communicate, show up and somehow ALWAYS be doing the work. Then when you finally ask so…what are we doing? They’re like I don’t know you pick or I'm going with the flow.
SIR… really?!
Can anyone else agree that the older you get, the less important a spark becomes and the more important momentum becomes? Allow me to explain…
Are they curious about you? Do they follow through? Can they communicate when something feels off? Can they actually make room for you in their life?
Because attraction gets you through the door but consistency, curiosity, kindness, and communication are what determine whether you actually want to stay.
SO at this point, dating feels exactly like a group project: one person does all the work, the other disappears and somehow he’s still expecting an A.
Anyone having similar experiences?!
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u/energy_is_a_lie 8d ago
The truth is - we're all running after the top 5%
At most, we "drop our standards" to date the top 20% but no more. All of them are popular enough that they don't have a reason to rest their head on the same pillow twice so we're just pumps and dumps. Then we believe we can tame them, fix them, convince them to settle down with us when they already have 20 others believing the same queued up through the next Sunday. They have zero incentive to put in the effort when just existing alone means they have everyone's attention.
That's all there is to it. I'll take my downvotes now.
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u/Wonderful-Win8554 8d ago
Basically the ones we want to hang out with don't give us the time of day, and the ones we don't like are the ones reaching out to us. The vicious cycle of trying to be social.
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u/TobleroneThirdLeg 8d ago
Wow. Accurate on how things are.
Why put effort into quality when quantity exists :/1
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u/smmmxx 8d ago
33F here also lol but you actually nailed it with this analogy. It’s like pulling TEETH sometimes… and I ask myself like is this normal? Because it’s not just one isolated incident, it’s almost all guys seem to be missing basic conversational or relationship/communication related skills. I don’t expect you to be perfect but I also don’t want to pull all the weight and be the only one steering the ship. Effort, consistency, and communication is all I ask - but seems like a huge ask.
Last week I was supposed to go on a date with this guy I’d been talking to for about a month. I KNOW, crazy for me because I usually won’t text someone for more than a week without meeting 😂 but I was injured for a bit, and I genuinely enjoyed talking to him, so I was still interested in meeting. We had made plans Sunday night to go out Thursday. I suggested Port Credit since it’s kind of in between us, and he agreed but then asked me what we should do. I was already a little annoyed because I felt like I was doing all the planning, but I suggested dinner. He then asked me where, so I politely said something along the lines of, “I picked the area and activity, you can look into restaurants.” He just hearted the message. Thursday morning he texts me saying he has to cancel because he has a haircut. A HAIRCUT. I was annoyed, but he asked if we could do Friday instead, so I said okay, no problem.
Friday rolls around and at 5 PM he asks if I can meet him at 9 PM. That’s later than I would normally want to meet for a first date, but he’d had a long day, so again, I accommodated. He STILL hadn’t picked anywhere, so I ended up suggesting a chill bar I’d been to before. Then at 6 PM, he cancels again because apparently his mom’s washing machine broke and he needed to help her bring her clothes to the laundromat. He apologized and suggested Saturday, but I already had plans, so I said I couldn’t. And that was basically it. No “what other day works for you?” No attempt to actually reschedule. Nothing. And that’s the part that annoys me. I completely understand that things come up, but it’s the lack of effort and initiative. I basically planned the date, accommodated him changing the day, accommodated the late time, picked the place AGAIN, and then after cancelling on me twice, he still didn’t make any real effort to make another plan. Maybe it’s just me, but if the roles were reversed and I was genuinely interested in someone, I would be making sure they knew that. I’d be saying, “I’m so sorry, when else are you free? Let me take you out.” It’s totally fine if he wasn’t that interested, but then don’t keep texting me and acting like you are. I don’t need constant attention, I just need your actions to match the energy you’re giving me.
I’ve been entertaining the thought lately that i know I won’t settle, and I if I don’t end up with someone that’s okay because I’d rather be alone than constantly have to chase or try with someone who can’t naturally reciprocate. It’s really discouraging though!
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u/Apprehensive_Heat176 8d ago
A fucking haircut of all things? At least he could have come up with a better excuse than that. Yes, this guy is making no effort at all and he actually did you a favor. Sadly, it's not just the young guys that do shit like this. I had a family gathering and one of the guests said his mom told him not to drive because of heavy rain. That guy is pushing 60!!
I think that many people don't know how to use a calendar anymore despite them having one attached at all times. I have got canned lines like "I'll have to let you know" and not just when asking people on dates.
Is it a weird concept to check your calendar to see if you're free and then reply back? "I'll have to let you know" is code for I don't want to commit to something just in case I have something else better to do.
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u/Next_Language4987 7d ago
Omg that is awful. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. F the haircut. Here let me cheer you up with a joke. Have you heard that every single time a man hurts a woman their hairline recedes an inch?
My story of the night is that a date confirmed with me yesterday that we're still good to meet up at 6 tonight. Fast forward I sat at a very small restaurant alone for 25 mins without any text or anything until I finally called it quits and embarrassing left the restaurant.
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u/andromorr 8d ago
Hah, yeah. 35M, experiencing the same thing. I went on a couple of dates with a woman - organized a nice picnic and everything. But I didn't see any effort from her side, so I stopped reaching out, and that was the end of it.
IMO if they're interested, they'd make the effort.
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u/Next_Language4987 8d ago
33F! Ugh I'm sorry to hear that. Lol I would be so excited if someone I was seeing organized a picnic...This weekend I had a man tell me he didn't wanna meet up because it was raining. Then had to ask if we should do something indoors but didn't suggest anything and honestly my IQ dropped. People sadly aren't very proactive
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u/TobleroneThirdLeg 8d ago
It’s good to find out early that they are secretly made of sugar and will melt in the rain.
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u/Apprehensive_Heat176 8d ago
I think that people have forgotten that a relationship is really a partnership. You don't need to divide things perfectly in half, but each person still needs to offer / sacrifice something.
I was in a relationship for just under a year when my GF asked me to move in with her on "a trial basis", but she was adamant that she would not be getting a mortgage with me. That was the first red flag. The second red flag was when she decided to quit her job a few months later. She basically wanted me to move in with her on "a trial basis" and have me pay for all of the living expenses while she floated around. She was in her 40's BTW.
I've never liked the idea of "shacking up" with another person as a "trial." A relationship isn't Amazon Prime where you can cancel after hassle free for 30 days. There's no such thing as a clean break after you've lived with someone for a period of time.
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u/OkRevolution2349 6d ago
Yikes - sorry to hear this man! Trial in itself is a scary word - I don’t like return policies lol
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u/No-Dot-7661 7d ago
It sounds like you're meeting men who don't really care about you and are just in it for sex.
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u/helpTOguy123 1d ago
You're probably sharing the same guy with 10 other women. Here's how the game works:
One of my male friends had s*x with 18 women in a month :) That was a record and he usually caps it at 5-10, leaving some leftovers for the rest of us.
The rest of us, just watching with popcorns in hand
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u/OkRevolution2349 6d ago
Not to sound facetious but you need to get into dating men in their 40s - they have had life experiences and have, for most part, learned to make an effort in conjunction with higher emotional intellect.
I’m not saying all are there but 40+ is a different breed - one caution I would throw out is many are divorced with kids, so that’s that.
All this to say, irrespective of the age group, men should be taking the lead but ultimately, any relationship is a two way street and a partnership. More importantly, communication is one gap that exists across the board. People tend to struggle to have tough convos which then leads to the fallout.
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u/lilfunky1 8d ago
last week i turned my weekly grocery shopping trip into a date LOL.
let's go for dinner
okay then after dinner, what?
well i need to get some groceries, wanna come with?