I met someone at a Späti and asked if he was using Monkey Dust. I was attracted to him and went back to his place because I wanted to hook up.

He then used Monkey Dust in front of me and became clearly psychotic, even saying that I was a “honey trap.”

I didn’t use anything and eventually went home. Looking back, I put myself in a risky situation because I prioritized sex over my own safety. I’m glad I recognized what was happening and left.

Today is 21 months since I used meth, and 8 months and a couple of days since I became totally clean and sober. Here are some things I’m grateful for…

I am building offline connections with new friends and fellows. People I can have coffee, go for a walk or go to a concert with. I went to a retreat in another European country for members of CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous). We were 55 guys with different variations of the same story who bonded, shared, laughed and cried together for four days. A year ago, going to such an event would have seemed utopian to me. Now I’m doing it.

I have all my basic needs met: I’m healthy, I sleep, I exercise, I read books again, I keep my weight, I have a cosy place that’s my own, I have an income. Some of these I had before too, but now I can appreciate them more.

My true friends are still there for me. Some of them are bewildered by me going all sober and serious, but they are still there and respect my journey.

I’m getting better at allowing myself to stay in difficult feelings. Sometimes I still panic when I get sad, angry or hurt and look for an escape hatch. But I don’t pick up. Also, I’m coming to understand that I too am allowed to be upset, angry or enforce boundaries. It’s not just for other people. That’s a small step for mankind but a huge leap for me.

I have some peace of mind. Not always, but regularly.

That’s all I have this time. Nothing more, nothing less. Love and hugs.

I remember seeing this sub when I discovered meth and got into my heavy use. I have been looking for it, because I am on the otherside of my chemsex adventure. I have made a lot of strides in just a small amount of time, and i am moving out of a housing program here at the end of December with a savings, and I am grateful for that (still gotta find an apartment, but i have a job and money to move, I will be ok). The love of those wild times still calls to me like a siren though. I think of the sexcapades I always wanted to have but never came to fruition. I think of the strange kinks and things about myself I discovered along the way. I think of the people I wished were my friends, who clearly aren't, and i hate myself for still thinking about them. I think about a lot of things. Like how my body has changed and I hate it now. I was always skinny. Now I am fat. I am 46 in transitional housing. I am single and who the hell will want me. I think about the year and a half more until I get my license back. I think about if my parents will die before I can drive down to see them. I think about the countless humiliations and abuses that I will never fully understand or see justice for. I think about the pain I caused and disappointment. So many damn things.

Anyways I saw this sub when I discovered meth, and that wasn't that long ago. I had everything, lost all of it, and i am working to get a life back.

So I wanted to say hi.

And please, fuck right the hell off if you are a bot and respond to this. My brain is already messed up enough.

Hey Ya'll,

I'm needing some advice. How do I make amends with those whom I've hurt with my addiction when those people are no longer with me? Both my grandparents past away and I'm dissapointed to say that towards the end of their lives I was deep in my addiction and didn't visit or call them like I should have.

Now I'm over 2.5 years clean and am struggling with how to handle the guilt. I can only take solice in knowing that they never saw what my addiction did to me.

After reading Dr Dallas’s post on how certain kind of corn viewing could trigger cravings and i have been rationalising that, i am sober already and its just 🌽 and what harm could it bring… i guess it works like a gateway drug for me. I need to delete the tapes of myself too from my phone & backup that i had made during intoxicated state. I hope i find the courage for that too. I just don’t want to let those moments be erased for ever and is it wrong to feel that way and the resistance it causes…please share what you did in this situation…

I’ve been friends with this guy for years. We’ve been in and out of recovery together, but nothing sexual ever happened. I’m in love with him, and he knows it. This is the second time he’s relapsed and asked me for money in exchange for sexual favors. I sent him the money, but blocked him after. I feel bad for letting my emotions get to me. I didn’t have to be so harsh.

It’s bullshit that he’s only willing to get with me when he’s on meth.

I've been worried about my best, closest friend lately, he's lost a ton of weight, has been going random places at night for days on end, and seems to be matching the pattern of the last time he relapsed. I've tried to ask him about it a few times but he just says "it's just hooking up, I've come close but I haven't relapsed."

But with the weight loss and the lies I've caught him in about his location (he shares it with me) recently are making me second guess trusting his word.

He was sober for 3 years through 6 months of rehab and then had a relapse and was sober again for about 2 years without rehab and I think he's been using again for about the past 5-6 months based on weight and behavior changes.

Last time he relapsed I noticed bad bruising on his forearms from IV use, this time I haven't noticed that.

What advice do you have? I've tried to ask his sister to back me up but his family doesn't "believe" in talking about their feelings and things like that so it's hard to find someone to talk to who knows what he's gone through.

His family were supportive of his time in rehab, but once he got back home they mostly pretend like it never happened or jump down his throat accusing him of using again. They had a shared therapy session with him during his rehab and they told the therapist they don't talk about feelings and wasted their hour essentially, is what my friend told me.

He and I had a group therapy session during his rehab and I felt good about where we stood.

I'm trying to find a happy medium and let him tell me when he's ready but I've given him a lot of opportunities and I think he's still lied to me.

I know I sound rambly but I don't know who else to turn to. I've been talking to my therapist about it too, but wanted some advice from folks in the community.

Part of me wants to believe him and part of me wants to force him to pee for a surprise drug test. But I know that'd be way too confrontational and probably ruin our friendship. Part of me thinks he's lying and I need to set boundaries, but he's my closest friend and I don't know if I can be as strict with my boundaries as I would need to be.

The title says it really. I'm doing really well...managed to save and buy a car (didn't have one for 6 months and it really limited me in my ability to actually do the things you need to do to connect with people. Now I have my life a little more sorted, all I can think of doing is ruining it. This year I've been taking bigger breaks, but still have a lot in my life to escape from...it's hard to stay strong, and what's really been stopping me is the inability to keep using my arm veins, and I get too scared to try injecting into my hands or legs, which I guess is good, unless it makes me use and totally ruin my arms

I dunno. Life's so hard, and the last decade for me has just been holding on. Until a couple years ago I only used occasionally, but my relationship was falling apart (meth didn't help, what a surprise, but it really needed to end anyway), and since my brain immediately goes for escapism as a protective measure against pain, I immediately got half an eight ball and spent the next week or so high. Since then, being high and coming down have been some of the best and worst memories I've had. Which is really sad.

What do I do? I am trying to stay clean but...there's a big part of me that doesn't want to be. And this conflict is messing me up.

I’m 13 days clean and I wanna keep it this way but some guy is hitting me up to use and fuck and I wanna say yes so bad but I shouldn’t. Does anyone wanna talk on the phone right now??

I'm new to the group and here to say that recovery is possible. Go chase your recovery like you chased your drugs. 😬

Just wanted to acknowledge this milestone. I’m grateful to have put this many days together since my last use. It’s better now to not have to worry that I won’t be in a condition to do things. I can plan and go about life freely. May those who are struggling find a way out. Persistence and patience served me well. Love to all!

...and this sub seemed like the perfect place.

I've been an IV meth user, on and off, since 2017. When I first tried it (and I did try it the first time with a syringe) I didn't think it'd be a life changing decision and hugely life-altering. I didn't know what evil I had just let into my life.

This drug and the chronic brain disease that comes along with it, Addiction, takes over your life FAST.

In the beginning you can manage to work, have a normal social life, and keep up the facade that everything is okay. But, slowly you start making compromises in order to keep doing the drug. The drug is paramount over anything within a few months of using it. Your brain start making neural pathways that will become so deep in your decision-making that you won't know any other way. You start to lose weight and your appearance becomes less than. You look at old photos of yourself and wonder how you looked so happy and normal back then.

The ironic part is we all think we've accessed that cheat code for serotonin. That's what meth is... cheating the system in order to feel happy. But, there are always repercussions for cheating the system. Those serotonin compounds your brain is receiving are stolen goods that must be returned later. That's when the come-down happens and the endless cycle of getting more begins.

That's been my life in a nutshell the last 10 years. Can't hold a job, haven't been in a relationship in 7 years, lying to my loving family in order to go further down cycle if addiction.

I am so lonely. My god am I lonely. I am out using rn. Shooting up everyday. Out in the gay tweaker scene of a major US city. I meet so many guys ... And genuinely have a good time with them. But these relationships are always situational. Nothing ever comes from these relationships other than getting your dick wet or getting more drugs. They're so shallow.

I'm laying in my bed alone rn. Feeling so sad and lonely. I would love any one of these guys I've hung out with and like to be able to just come over to cuddle and talk. Those type of guys that are willing to do that almost don't exist entirely in this world. I miss having a boyfriend (7 years single). I miss having my friend group I could call and hang with when I was having a bad day like today.

Anyways, that's what's going on with me rn. Just lonely and my best friend is stuck in a syringe rn in the other room. I'll ttyl.

I've been relapsing / using more after finding myself after months of sobreity.
I found the things that work and the things that work... mostly it's the confidence/chem sex that gets me to want to use again. I don't have that desire when im not using which makes me feels "ugly"
Sex, especially sober sex, makes me insecure. I also just have shame now with sex because of my use.

But weirdly, I found myself using to also get work done around the house... I find myself focused and being able to clean when I use...So there's that statifaction when I use.... But I can find that feeling without using.

I've going back to a porn cleanse and avoiding hook-up apps.
I've removed contacts from my phone and blocked with people that engage in said practice.

I also told my closest friends about my struggle to have a bit more accountability and pressure from people who mean a lot to me. Who don't want to see me fail and fall into this.

I could use some words of encouragement from you guys and maybe some advice or hear about things that worked for you.

I'd love a buddy to talk about this, if you'd be down for an email penpal... someone who understands what this is like. Please reach out :)

Sorry for the long one , but I recently got diagnosed and I've been on treatment for about a month. What stands between me and abject suffering and an indescribably slow deterioration with every helpful blood cell in my body being wiped out is a thing veil of a few short decades of marginalisation, culture wars, ineffective medication...that became unbelievably effective. I contracted it from someone I know is a bug chaser, I was only at his house because I didn't want to buy my own gear, the sex was just what I tolerated and I knew he had only recently gone back on to his ARVs. I didn't think it was safe, but I did just ignore all the oppression that caused people (particularly gay men like me) to retreat to these dark corners and eventually soulless sex parties with a poor prognosis. Didn't bother to take PeP afterwards because I was ashamed, but I did resume my PrEP and decided to quietly disappear from the scene for 3 months, eventually I got really sick, ended up in A&E twice over 3 weeks for tonsillitis and throat gonorrhoea I got from a dealer I slept with 4-ish months prior.

Used twice since being diagnosed, both times with a frequent partner of mine (using protection because I feel like I'm no longer a complete jackass — still a jackass tho) but man, dare I say I've all of a sudden developed a low tolerance for the side effects, usually it was worth it because I kept the misery machine going to fuel the acute, intermittent and reckless lapses and I'm just fucking tired. Not physically (aside from recovering), I'm young and bounce back every time, but it's like having a conjoined twin attached to me who can only whine and complain, an inescapable yapper who hates everything. The high is also just meh...last time I used I didn't even want to have sex and we didn't do a thing, I just sat on my laptop and worked on a few passion projects and occasionally chatted

It's such a waste of time for me, and we all need to make choices to change our lifestyles at some point in life for the sake of health. For me? Eat well and often eat what I like even if I don't meet protein goals every night. Do I get a chocolate croissant most days? Yeah, I do. Do I put 2 sour patch kids in my medicine box for each morning? Hell yeah. I have also taken naps with my cats when I think I should go to gym and get fit for the festivals ahead? Yep. ITS NOT METH and I can't waste anymore time than I already have. I'll fix that all later (or maybe I won't idk) but I am eating more wholesome and frequent meals, mostly because work booked me off for 1.5 months to recover because if be a liability otherwise 🤣 paid time off with variable job security? Meh, I'll use the time to apply for jobs and up skill (which I'm giving my best shot). I'm tired of sleepwalking through life wondering why I'm pulled back to the dens of men who own too many fucking quirky bongs for it to be endearing (no offense, I adore you whichever way you come) . I might just repurpose my broken one as a vase if it's still in my storage unit somewhere I can't remember, hut honestly. Fuck it all ✨

Consistency is challenging, but I was a consistent mess for years, so I am confident I can turn these lifestyle changes into at least half the consistency I displayed when I was at my worst. Honestly, fuck everything. We are all so small on a cosmic scale and I am literally giving synthetic crystalline fuck rocks more time than they deserve

Do you think Viagra is not harming your sobriety? Is that okay to take that?

I now have over twenty-five years stuck with addiction to meth. My life has been a total waste. I have less than nothing to show for it. Over $60k in non-dischargeable student loan debt. No house. No job. No prospects. No nothing.

I’ve been to inpatient rehab six times. It does not work. I’ve been through 12 step programs. They do not work. I’ve tried religious based programs. I’ve tried scientific based programs. I’ve tried anything and everything I could get my hands on. Nothing works.

I’ve a place to live thanks to a housing program for homeless people with HIV. I’ve no food in the kitchen. I’ve got a car thanks to the generosity of my parents. I’ve no gas in the tank. Things have just gotten worse and worse and still no solution is in sight.

If I could make a wish and wipe out my existence completely, I would. The only reason I’m still alive is not to grieve my friends or family.

There’s no path forward. There’s nothing to be done. I don’t know why I’m even here. Why must I suffer so? Why must any of us suffer so? What is the fucking point of any of this? Why is there no answer? What is the goddamn point? Please tell me what I should do that I haven’t done already.

Or if all you have is platitudes and cliches then fuck right off.

This is my third go at sobriety, and my second 60 day tag.

Finally taking responsibility for my choices, because they're my choices.

My recovery is my recovery. It's my responsibility, my duty, my life to make right. Others can advise or suggest or support or encourage, but it's always ultimately my choices that will cause me to tumble and my choices that will cause me to rise.

Just a wee note from the mod team:

We’re all part of this subreddit because we share an interest in this community. We’re all here because we want to end the party and have lives beyond drugs. We’re in the same boat.

Please treat other members of this sub with the same respect you’d like to receive. Disagreements are normal and differences in opinion are OK – but conversations should stay civil and constructive.

Take a moment to think before you hit “post” or “reply,” especially if you’re feeling frustrated. Remember – you’re not just engaging with some anonymous Reddit bots. We’re all real people. 😊 🙏

Hey, this comes a little later than usual but last week I reached 7 months of total sobriety and 20 months without meth. I was travelling to the UK at the time and there Reddit has an age verification thing where recovery subs are deemed adult content and I would have had to scan my photo id and send it to some company. Not doing that.

Also, no porn in the UK which was actually good for me. I need a break from that.

So I’m writing now instead. Things are good for me. Living in my own place, practicing honesty with myself and everyone else, and generally feeling more grounded.

To visit London clean was an important step for me. That’s where I tried meth for the first time, and my trips there used to be non stop clubbing and afterparties until it was time to go home.

This time I met up with a friend that I got to know in this very sub, to have a coffee and a hug. I went to a CMA meeting and got to hug fellows I know from online CMA. And I walked and walked, feeling connected to the world.

At almost six months single, I’m thinking a lot about intimacy and how to actually take the step to have sober sex. I did get triggered on my trip to act out, like going to a sauna. but I meditated on it and decided that it was the wrong setting and wrong time for me to do that. I’m not saying I will never go to a sauna. but I made decisions in the moment based on what my heart, not my dick, was telling me. that’s a new skill I have acquired on the way.

I’m grateful for my new life. I have hope. Just keep going if you are struggling.

xxx

Hey guys, send love or be kind if you want to add your perspective, I’m not looking to „cut my losses“ - I take good care of myself and if I feel it is too much, I’ll watch out for myself. I am a decent bit older than him, financially independent (or rather, providing) and have robust social contacts. I am much older and have a stable environment. I cannot, however, talk to my friends about this.

It’s past midnight and I can’t sleep, can’t think straight and I’m more scared than I’ve been in a long time. I’m scared to lose my boyfriend, whom I love. I’m afraid for his wellbeing, for his future, for our future.  I came to understand what partners, parents and loved ones of addicts experience. I chose to stay, I chose to move in together, I chose it all. I’ve been lied to, betrayed and hurt more often than I can count. 

My boyfriend got a delivery of meth in the mail today (far delayed, thus arriving now rather than when I was away).  I didn’t want it in our place. When I demanded he flush it straight away, he was angry and hurt, telling me I’m controlling and he  needed trust and support to deal with it on his own terms rather than me forcing my will on him. There is some truth in it, but I feel it needs a lot of context. Indulge me, if you will.

I love my boyfriend deeply and unconditionally. When I first met him 3 years ago, he told me at length about his worries, he was always up front about his meth habit and that it was a problem. Since I’ve never been part of that scene, I didn’t quite grasp scope and severity of the issue and what exactly meth was. My only contact with meth prior to our first conversation was watching Breaking Bad. He never consumed in my presence and I never saw him smoke, I never saw him high. When we met, he was in a really bad place and used twice a month, as far as I know.

We started dating, regardless, and eventually moved in together. When we got serious about dating, he promised he wanted to get off it and be with me. He kept going, albeit a little less regularly. 

As I go on business trips and visit my hometown regularly, he will have the house to himself a week or two per month, unless we’re traveling together.  He relapsed every once in a while when I was gone. He was devastated by each relapse, but his consumption was noticeably less frequent. A little over a year ago, he finally got rid of his remaining meth and all the apps. I was suspicious, but I knew I couldn’t force anything and let him take it at his pace. He refused professional, outside help. He said he was committed and would do it. I didn’t check his phone, I didn’t intrude, I didn’t ask again and hoped he would tell me if he needed support.

Fast forward, I return from a 10 day work trip this May, and he tells me he slept with someone, no meth. I told him I was hurt, we talked at length but I didn’t pry or poke. He came to me after all, right? I went away for about week in July and returned recently. I saw his tablet and looked at his recent google account history, to find suspicious Grindr, Telegram and address patterns. When he came home from work, I kept my distance, and after a while collapsed on me crying, telling me what a horrible person he is, that I deserve better than him. Next day, he went to work and dug deeper - going through his google history of the past year.  He was back on a variety of apps by December, telegram in January, and from context I am certain he used in March, April, and now. Probably, his lapse in May also involved Meth. I didn’t confront him, as it is futile and I didn’t want to give up my sources. He does hide the apps on the phone or deletes them, he does not use Google Maps timeline, but he doesn’t seem to understand just how much of his activities google logs regardless.

I know this will remain a serious problem. He struggled and struggles a lot with admitting to himself that he is not in control, as he does not want to be seen as an addict. He is not quite there yet, and I know it can be years, even though it breaks my heart.

Am I insane to stay? Maybe, but I don’t give up on people, ever, especially those I love.

Just needed to get it off my chest. Apologies for my English, it’s not my first language.