Hi everyone. I’m hoping to hear from Ethiopians, Ethiopian Americans, or people who have grown up in Ethiopian families/relationships. I’m asking this genuinely and respectfully because I’m trying to understand my boyfriend better, not stereotype Ethiopian people or assume that every Ethiopian man thinks the same way.
For a little Context, I am American. My boyfriend is Ethiopian. He came to America in 2018 at 20 years old.
We have a child together, and we are also expecting another baby. I love him and I don’t want our relationship to end. We have built a life together, and despite the problems we’ve been having, I’m trying to understand where he is coming from rather than immediately assuming that the way he thinks or communicates is simply because he no longer cares for me.
I’ve noticed that we sometimes have very different ideas about relationships, responsibilities, communication, and what a partner should do for the other person.
For example, he seems to have fairly strong expectations about what a woman should contribute in a relationship and at home. Things like cooking, cleaning, groceries, managing money, taking care of the child, remembering family occasions, and generally keeping up with household responsibilities can be very important to him. Sometimes I feel like he expects me to notice and take care of things without him having to ask.
At the same time, when we have disagreements, I sometimes struggle to understand how he processes emotions. He isn’t always comfortable expressing things like “I love you,” “I care about you,” or “I want to stay together.” Sometimes when I’m upset and looking for reassurance, he becomes quiet or distant instead. He can also be very direct or critical when he thinks I’ve done something wrong, and sometimes he seems to believe that giving me space or being emotionally distant is appropriate during conflict.
I’m trying to understand whether some of this could be influenced by how he was raised or by Ethiopian cultural expectations around men, women, marriage, and relationships.
I want to keep in mind we both work full time hours.
I’m particularly curious about:
• What are traditional expectations of a woman/wife or girlfriend in an Ethiopian household?
• Are Ethiopian men generally raised with the expectation that the woman will manage most of the household responsibilities?
• How are men traditionally taught to express love and affection? Is verbal reassurance common, or is love more often shown through actions?
• How are disagreements and conflict typically handled in Ethiopian families?
• Is it common for men to become emotionally distant or quiet when they are angry?
What are traditional expectations around the man’s role versus the woman’s role in a relationship?
• How important is obedience, respect, or doing things the way the husband/partner expects?
• How are Ethiopian men typically taught to view women and their responsibilities within a family?
• Are there significant differences between older/traditional Ethiopian expectations and how younger Ethiopian men raised in the U.S. might approach relationships?
I realize Ethiopia is incredibly diverse, and there are huge differences between ethnic groups, religions, generations, families, and individuals. I am not asking whether “Ethiopian men are like this.” I’m trying to understand whether there are cultural beliefs or values that might help explain some of the differences between my boyfriend and me.
I also want to emphasize that I’m not looking for people to simply tell me to leave him. I understand that relationships can have unhealthy dynamics, and I’m capable of recognizing that. What I’m looking for right now is cultural perspective so that I can better understand how he may be thinking and where some of his expectations come from.
If you’re Ethiopian and willing to share what you were taught about relationships, marriage, gender roles, communication, and love growing up, I would really appreciate hearing your perspective.
Thank you.
