My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11. Have an established life with a child and a mortgage. I was given a big job opportunity earlier this year where we would have to move to a new city. We are both established in our careers and it was a big discussion, like two months of discussions. And these were healthy conversations, no big arguments or anything like that. We ended up not moving and I turned down the job. I was a little bummed (it was my dream job) but understood that it would have been a lot for our family to adjust.

Last night, while my husband was doing bed time, I heard a buzzing sound and found a second phone in his work bag. I thought that was weird because his work did away with separate work phones a while ago. When he came downstairs, I asked when did he get a work phone.

His face said it all.

Turns out he has been having an affair for just over a year. And one of the reasons he didn't want to move was because he didn't want to leave his affair partner. I don't know what to do. Child is at a slumber party at my sister's. Husband is in a hotel. I'm home alone with a lot to process and do here. So it's an easy girl dinner tonight and a large glass of wine.

To the moderators; you are incredible. Thank you.

Today I was with my husband on the waterfront and not one but two different men openly laughed at me and my husband, because my husband was holding my hand, kissing and hugging me. I am fat and my husband is fit. I hid my tears behind my sunglasses because I didn't want to ruin my sweet husbands day. He was so happy just to be with his wife visiting where we got married last summer. I was brought to tears because I am astonished by the causal cruelty of men, eager to ruin a fat woman's day simply for existing and having the audacity to be openly loved. I'm not ashamed of myself, just truly sorry we live in a world where men act like this.

Edit:

Thank you for so many sweet supportive comments, many brought me to tears.

Second, this is a lobster and crab cake, it was just before this and it was amazing!!!

Third, I did not hear someone laughing in the distance and thought it was at me because "I'm so wildly insecure" (SARCASM).

The first one, there was a group of three men walking towards us, one looked me dead in the eye, said something to his friends and they started laughing, one even gave a look over his shoulder with more laughter as they passed by.

The second, about three minutes later a young guy was waking towards us with a woman. They both weren't speaking, he looks straight at me, smirks and then does a haaaaahaaaaaaa after passing by. His girlfriend didn't even react or acknowledge him.

It wasn't in my head. I don't walk around looking for reasons to be humiliated and I'm not an insecure person, but I HAVE been fat my whole life and I know when I'm being laughed at. No

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was my only day off after an incredibly stressful week at work, and all I wanted to do was relax and spend some time with my son.

My son got me a beautiful card and wrote a long, heartfelt note in it that made me cry happy tears. He handcrafted me a rose out of cotton pads. He even asked my boyfriend to take him out the day before so he could also buy me a present (it was a sparkly bath scrub that smelled really good!) So the day started out really special, because my son put a lot of effort into making it special for me.

We had plans to all go to the beach and grill burgers, but then my boyfriend started complaining that it was going to be too busy and we wouldn't be able to find a grill. So I said ok, thats fine, we'll just get In N Out on the way there instead. He has the tendency to make any kind of outing way more stressful than it needs to be, every step of the way has to be a critically important decision and if he's not happy he will complain the entire time. Like when we drive anywhere he complains about the other drivers. It's just like a constant stream of conscious coming out of his mouth and he never stops talking no matter how gently or harshly I ask for quiet. I saw the impending train wreck and was very clear before we went anywhere that all I wanted for Mother's Day was to relax--like FULLY relax, to not have to manage his emotions or spend the day appeasing him just to get through it.

Well. He did the opposite of what I asked. We started fighting in the car and didnt even make it to the beach. When we got home I said I wanted to take my son out somewhere just the two of us, and he started arguing that I was excluding him and how HE was hoping to go somewhere fun, and why do I always seem to want to go do things without him? (Gee I wonder) I yelled "because it's fucking Mother's Day and I just want to spend time with my son, this is not about you!"

Then he said "well I'm just gonna go to the beach by myself then" and i said fine, please go, I just want to not be near you right now. It was still early enough that if he had gone out i would have been able to take the car and go somewhere with my son when he got back. But just to spite me and prevent me from being able to use the car, he decided that instead of going to the beach he was going to spend the day working on the car, so he had the wheels blocked off so it couldnt roll anywhere... and then instead of even working on the car he spent all day moving his desk from the living room to the bedroom.

While moving things around, he stepped on the rose my son had made for me and squashed it.

I spent basically the entire day sobbing because I was so angry with my boyfriend for ruining everything my son had tried to do for me. The worst part is, he still doesnt even think he did anything wrong. He blames me for being emotional and getting upset. I told him I would never forgive him for ruining what was supposed to be a special day.

Unfortunately we are both on the lease so I can't just kick him out. I have been trying to find a new apartment for months but it's been difficult to find something I can afford. He claims he is also looking but still refuses to leave even though it would be exponentially easier for him to find a studio than for me to find another 2 bedroom. It seems like he's just making this whole process as difficult as possible just to spite me.

Pictured is a chorizo burrito. Comfort food.

Edit to add: because several people have accused me of not caring about the rose because I put it on the floor, I feel I should clarify. I put it on the floor right in front of the fan to dry because it was still wet. The fan is right by the couch in a spot that never sees foot traffic because it's next to a wall. I did not expect him to walk through that area because no one ever does.

Chocolate, salted caramel and coconut ice cream

*Should I tell my friend what happened to her dog?

Trigger warning: pet loss, trauma

On last Sunday my dear friend put down her 14 year old pug. It was absolutely tragic and we both cried so much but knew it was his time. He was the sweetest little dog but had so many health problems and it was the only kind thing to do for him (I’m tearing up as I’m writing this) we’ve been friends for about 9 years now.

On Sunday she called me sobbing and asked me to help her bury him. She decided she wanted to bury him in the rural area where my bf and I live. We went and helped her, my bf did most of the work while me and her were sobbing when we put her dog in the grave.

I went to visit the grave 2 days ago to make sure he wasn’t dug up or anything (we even left flowers and they were still there) we have a lot of wild animals in the areas (jackals and boars are the biggest ones I’d say)

And everything was fine. We buried him deep enough (or so we thought) and put a few very heavy and big rocks so animals won’t be able to dig around it (we picked rocks that my bf and I had to lift together to move)

And today I saw a message of the area group chat….

They said they think animals dug up a dead dog
My heart sank.

My bf and I immediately got there and saw the biggest rock flipped on the side and honestly I do think it was a human that moved it because it just doesn’t make sense an animal did it but we don’t really know. And the flowers I left were also gone.. I saw his sweet face facing upward (he was completely intact) and I almost had a mental breakdown.

My amazing bf took charge and told me he’ll take care of it.

He completely dug him out, we put him in a trash bag (I kind of hate myself for that) my bf dug a deeper hole, put him in it, put a big rock on top of him, put dirt on and then more big rocks on top in a way no one would possibly be able to dig him out or reach him….

It was traumatic to say the least.

What’s more fucked is my friend has another friend who also buried her dog about a month ago and animals dug up her dog as well (in a different place) and it was so heartbreaking and they had to take her parts (she wasn’t intact) and bury her again….

I don’t know if I should tell her. I’m seeing her tomorrow and I don’t know if I should tell her. I don’t know if she would even want to know 😔 we were “lucky” someone told us before he was eaten by wild animals… but still. It’s so tragic and painful and she’s still in so much pain over him. If she’ll visit his grave she might notice we moved the rocks and I don’t know if she’ll be more upset about me hiding this from her.

I feel so terrible 😢

Post-wedding dinner/snack: sub in a tub

I attended a wedding tonight. I went to use the women’s restroom and there was a line of girls waiting inside as well. I started talking to a couple of them about how we know the bride/groom, etc.

The bathroom itself is very small. One large handicap stall and one next to it that was comically small. Like the kind when you sit down and your knees hit the stall door.

The line died down and the 3-4 girls in front of me all went in the handicap stall and I took the small one. I’m on my period so I had to deal with that too on top of pretzeling myself in this stall (tall girl probs). The girls in the stall next to me are all talking and I realize they all went in there to hit their vapes instead of actually use the bathroom.

As I’m washing my hands at the sink, I hear one of them say “ew it smells like period in here” and “it had to be that other girl that was in here” and “that’s literally so disgusting”, etc.

I very quickly finished up in there and left. The comments hurt me and I’m very confused why they’d say those things knowing I was still there. Maybe I’m overreacting but it did sting and make me feel self conscious.

EDIT: this was a kid free wedding. From our conversations before, I gathered they were all 22-24 years old.

TW: infertility, surgery, mental health

Edit #2: stop messaging me negative bs. I don’t need to be told that adoption isn’t realistic for me, or that I’m a POS for trying to use a surrogate, and ffs stop soliciting me for private surrogacy. I am not interested.

Edit: please, I understand adoption is an option. I am grieving an entirely complex series of traumatic events and realizations and coming to terms with my shitty mental health. I thank all my sympathetic gals in the comments, and I understand the majority are well meaning.

After a long while of being without a uterus (thanks, giant fibroid tumor), I finally began investigating gestational surrogacy to use my own eggs and husband’s sperm to make a baby.

My insurance turns out to not cover ANYTHING. Fine. I ask around and get quotes. Low balled, bad figures, promising packages with lots of fine print for “what ifs” that I realize we cannot afford to pay for. Price rose from 150,000 to 170,000 to now being told 200,000 dollars. IF everything goes right the FIRST time.

Then it dawned on me…

That is JUST for the surrogacy. Not the fertility treatment and egg harvesting. 38k for that. One cycle.

Okay… I’m down, I’m not out. I ask relatives for help and get some hopeful prospects. But then I start reading more into the treatments. How there are contraindications for patients who have mental health history. How taking fertility meds can make depression and anxiety worse and cause awful mood swings (I have MDD and PTSD). You can get sick, you can be hospitalized…. That’s it.

That was the final straw. Not the two year waiting period to have a baby, not the $238,000+ I can’t pay that would have wiped our savings, not the loans we’d have to have taken out, not the pain of multiple IVF cycle attempts from eggs that may or may not take (thanks for telling me there is only a 70-80 percent success rate during consult, guys!) but JUST KNOWING that on TOP of all this, I’m going to have to physically and psychologically suffer. Again. I already went through this. I had the traumatic and rushed hysterectomy. I did inpatient afterward because the hormonal disturbances made me want to neck it. I cannot go through this again. I’m not doing this AGAIN.

Dinner is sweet cottage cheese “almond croissant” air fryer toast and organic peaches featuring the disembodied arm of my soon-to-be-disappointed husband when I tell him in the morning of my revelation.

TLDR: priced out of having a baby but the worst part is the drugs that would absolutely likely trigger a mental health episode in me, so I give up.

vagitarian vegetable soup with miso

my longtime friend and i have known each other since middle school. i tend to hermit in phases and so haven’t been out or in touch with him for a while. we recently reconnected again. everything is fine, and then today, this text appeared

i’m starting to have romantic feelings for you

i read the words on my screen and just felt distress. why does this happen so often. it’s honestly part of the reason i went hermit mode for so long. it’s even worse when it’s someone you’ve known a long time, just, have they been waiting for a chance this whole time?

anyway it made me feel some kinda way and i took a test for aromantic spectrum and got aroflux. 

(um and it’s not so much sadgirldinner as it is “🫤” but i wanted a flair for no boys allowed, thanks. and not really needing advice just venting but if anyone wants to share their frustrations or something that made them smile today—feel free 💕✨)

I hate AI. And what I hate most about it is that it has become the absolute laziest and most predictable way for online discourse to devolve into arguments about authenticity instead of… debating the actual merits of the argument. If there’s even a whiff of an em dash or negative parallelism in your writing, case closed: you’re a robot, not a person who has spent literal decades honing your craft.

Professional writers are now faced with an impossible choice: either continue to use all the rhetorical flourishes they were taught constitute good writing (including ye mighty em dash, à la my fav girl poet, Emily Dickinson), or abandon all markers of literacy and idk, write like a Tumblr girl who wrote cringe fanfic about Pete Wentz back in 2007.

Because I’m fucking contrarian by nature, my move is always to double down. I lean harder into colons, triads, Oxford commas. It helps that I have CVS levels of receipts, pre-AI: I wrote a 250-page dissertation in 2011, I’m a published author, and I used negative parallelism in my writing before 2022 (and before the DiGiornio marketing team ever told us, It’s not delivery. It’s DiGiornio).

The reality is that you can’t be 100% certain someone used AI. Mad Men wrapped in 2015, and so much of the dialogue sounds like it was written by AI because LLMs are fed marketing language, dissertations, and published novels. The Miller Light pitch in Season 7 would now be mistaken for ChatGPT, if it hadn’t been written in 2015:

I'm going to describe a man to you of very specific qualities. He lives in Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio. Some call it the Heartland. Some call it the Beer Belt. He has some college. Makes a good living, but it doesn’t feel like it because he works long hours. He has a lawnmower. Wants a hammock. Bunch of power tools in the garage that he never uses. He loves sports because he used to play them. And he loves dogs because they don’t talk. We all know this man. Because there are millions of him. And he drinks beer. Not just any beer. It has to be his brand. And what is his brand?

But Matthew Weiner & his writers’ room never relied on AI. And neither have I, despite near-constant accusations on Reddit. When I published my writing prior to 2022, no one would accuse me of using AI. They would simply say: that was beautiful. Or: I disagree, and here’s why. We can’t even get to that level of reader response anymore because everyone is too busy being the AI police.

As a writer, I’m not afraid AI will replace me. I’m afraid that people will stop listening to what I have to say because they assume I outsourced 38 years of reading, writing, and critical thinking to a clanker.

And now my daughter is growing up in a world where the genie is never going back into the bottle. I work in tech, and I know how the sausage is made. I know the coordinated push for AI adoption at work & in school is by design — and it’s designed to undermine credibility, sow distrust, and propagate division and endless arguments, all while our tech overlords rake in even more cash and destroy our planet.

When I decided to become a parent, I was never afraid that climate change would kill my daughter’s chances of having a good shot at life. World wars, global depressions, global pandemics… humanity has weathered a lot in the last few centuries and managed to stay alive.

But this world? One where she’ll feel tempted to outsource her ideas, her words, the precious things that make her human to a chatbot feeding her data to Palantir? One where it’ll be easier for her to never fully develop her critical thinking and writing skills because Claude will do it for her, but not nearly as well? One where she won’t even have any evidence that she’s always written with em dashes because she grew up in a post-AI world?

Fucking tragic.

Food pictured: salmon hand roll and tuna belly hand roll

So about a month back, I posted how I was planning to go on a date with a guy who happened to be the grandson of a regular that comes into my job. The date itself was fine, he was a gentleman to me by opening the door and pulling out a chair which I do like and notice. He also paid for the meal to which was nice but I also didn’t mind paying for my meal at the time because I’m a server and I know how it is waiting on a table that’s obviously on their first date.

The stuff I found about him was honestly disappointing. So when we walked into the restaurant, we greeted each other and while we were waiting for our table, he told me his age and he was four years younger than me. A four year age gap isn’t that bad in my opinion but I kind of was already on the fence with dating someone younger than me. Keep in mind I’m twenty four and he turned 20 in the beginning of the year. I don’t mind if the guy or girl is younger than me by a couple of years but I didn’t really find myself looking past it during the date. Honestly, while we were talking throughout the date, the fact that he was twenty was already haunting me.

But to get straight into the details, there was reasons why I had to tell him quick after the date that we wouldn’t work out. I told him the sugar coated reasons why but I’ll just tell the truth here. To be honest, him being around my height kind of made me less interested in him. I’m roughly 5’3 and he was probably the same height with his cap on. Second, i had to do some snooping on his social media account and I found out he follows people that I don’t agree with morally and politically wise. I’m not sure if I could state my beliefs here but I’m a bisexual Asian woman whose family immigrated here in the 1980s, I feel like you could tell where I lean politically wise.
I know for some people don’t mind if their significant others have different political beliefs but I wouldn’t be exactly comfortable dating a person if they didn’t want me or my community to exist in the world 🥴

So yeah, finding out where he stood politically was a let down. But I feel like there was things he said that foreshadow that we weren’t going to work out.
I mentioned in my previous post he’s in the military, that itself was something I was iffy about when dating someone because I heard horror stories of people being cheated on and their s/o having another family in the different country. Truthfully, I prefer being near my significant other especially if it’s in the early phase of us dating. Also, it felt like he kind of picked me as someone to date so his grandparents would get off his back about settling down, he’s TWENTY YEARS OLD BTW. He has plenty of time to find someone in the future.

Overall, it was a nice experience of meeting and talking to him. He was a nice guy but I also kind of felt that there was no chemistry between us. I don’t harbor any resentment towards him because when I told him that it wasn’t going to work out between us, he was nice about it and wish me luck on my career path.

Anyways, I think im fated to be hot and single in my twenties. I know I said I wanted to try dating again but I’m used to my presence alone that I don’t want my peace to be disrupted.

Edit 1: I know he cant control his height btw. Also, I mentioned a lot of details but I also left out a lot of details. I can’t help but yap on a subreddit that allows yapping.

Edit 2: an incel found this post and called me “beyond weird” 😢😢😢 jk idgaf about what a negative karma farmer says lol

Edit 3: probably my last edit for this post but if y’all are gonna rag on me for that fact I mentioned his height and age then oof 🥴 I’m allowed to find myself attracted to a guy who’s close to my ideal type btw and I like to ramble about the small details before leading up to the big ones. But also, I never told him his age and height was the reason why I couldn’t see us explore this connection more, it was the fact that I don’t do long distance relationships and there was difference in lifestyles. I didn’t mention the political differences in the reason to him mainly because I was fearing for my safety because this guy told me he likes to pew pew for fun 🫪

Cinnamon rolls to drown my sorrows.

My whole world came crashing down last night. I’m just starting university, and quite young. I spoke to my mom and my girls about this, but I do need some input please.

My BF decided to end things out of the blue, based off religious differences (He’s and atheist and I’m a religious ). I’ve accepted him fully as an atheist and I’ve never asked him to conform or to partake in any religious activities with me. I have reassured him multiple times that I do not care about our differences and that I only want him and a future with him.

He was okay with the religious differences for a long time, but something flipped in him last night.

My (now ex) Bf has a very close relationship with his mom, and she absolutely dislikes me and has sabotaged and mingled in our relationship previously, and I have a feeling she might’ve contributed.

He spoke to his mom ( she dislikes me for “taking her son away”) and he came to the conclusion to end things with me out of the blue. He told me that he doesn’t see a future with a religious girl. I tried fighting for us and our future, but he seemed set on his decision. I was hurt, but respected his decision. He is a very logical thinker, and I’m more an artsy free spirit, so he just told me he couldn’t see a future with me and that our religious differences would always be the Achilles heel of the relationship. I kept on reassuring him that I just wanted him but he kept on saying he isn’t the man for me.

For some context, we are long distance for now, but closing the distance again in Feb 2027. He went on to state that he isn’t happy in a long distance relationship and that the distance will make him resent me. He continued and he doesn’t feel like he truly knows me, because we’re talking through a screen, which hurt a lot. I put a lot of effort in to make the distance feel a bit better, plan spontaneously date nights, flights, holidays, mail him items etc. I tried to be positive and told him that my brother and his now wife were long distance, but he snapped back saying “we aren’t them”.

That was all last night. He told me he’d mail all my things back, and that he doesn’t see a future with me. So I assumed we were broken up. I cried while eating a box of cinnamon rolls rewatching Rick and Morty.

But then shit got weird.

He texted me this morning again, and apologised for what he said last night? Like a half hearted apology could make everything better? He proceeded to gaslight me into thinking we never broke up??? Since he never “directly” stated it, but he told me he’s mailing my stuff back and that he left me?? Now he wants to continue dating.

I’m so hurt and I honestly don’t think I’d ever forgive him for the things he said. How he wanted to throw everything away out of the blue, I don’t know what to do??

Again I’m a freshman in university so don’t flame me too hard for being foolish and begging him to stay last night.

Edit :

Thank you for everyone sharing their advice and stories.

Some added context based off a few questions:

He was always extremely respectful of my religion, and Thursday evening, before everything blew up on Friday, he offered to go to church with me, and after making sure he wasn’t doing it just to appease me, I agreed. That’s why Fridays reaction was so strange.

A few people thought that he might’ve met someone else, and although that could be a possibility, I highly doubt it. We share and a friend group and met via mutual friends. The time line also doesn’t add up, how can a dude blow things up Friday at 10pm, then Saturday 7am want me back and have time to text another girl? Idk man. I think he just regretted his decision.

Furthermore, his mother dislikes me a lot, and I have no doubt she might’ve caused this blow up. A few months ago I told him I’d love to have a couple photoshoot, and that my photographer friend offered to do it for free. He was initially super excited and very enthusiastic. When I brought it up again to start planning, he shot my idea down immediately. Turns out he spoke to his mom about it, and she didn’t approve the idea, so he didn’t approve the idea. I spoke to him about not letting his mother meddle, but to no avail. His mom also urged me to change my dreams of becoming a doctor because my hands are “too small” to do anything meaningful, and robots will replace me so I’m wasting my time.

But all is good. I’m not taking him back, I have too much self respect for that, and I’m studying to become a doctor, which is awesome.

Much love to all my older sisters in this community, I read every comment and appreciate all of your personal anecdotes.

TL;DR: Freshman in uni, BF broke up with me suddenly over religious differences + long distance stress, likely influenced by his mom (who openly dislikes me and meddles). He told me he was mailing my stuff back and didn’t see a future, then the next morning tried to gaslight me into thinking we never broke up.

I hate that I'm so scared of unknown dogs and I hate how the dogs humans act once they realize I'm scared.

I've been scared of dogs since I was a teenager and was attacked by a dog. It was scary and I still have a scar. I was starting to be less scared but then last year I got chased by a loose dog in the park when I was jogging so now I'm very scared of dogs I don't know again.

When I noticed there was a dog in the grocery store I tried really hard to just go down different aisles to avoid it. I ended up losing track and I looked up and the dog was right next to me, close enough he could have bitten me. I jumped back and stood flat against the freezer and the employee asked if I was ok. I said "yes I'm just very scared of dogs, so I need some space and but I also need veggie burgers so this i need to wait over here"

After that it seemed like the guy with the dog was following me. Everywhere I went he was there giving me dirty looks. I ended up running away (which I know is one of the worst this has to do. The lady in the park claimed her dog wouldn't have chased me if I wasn't running) and waiting in the back til I saw him leave and then checking out and then crying in my car. Now I'm at home and I'm just so bummed out. I don't know what to do when this happens and I'm an adult so I feel really bad acting like this over something that happened so many years ago.

Clearance cheesecake I found while hiding from dog

Getting divorced from my husband after less than a year of marriage.

We should have never gotten married in the first place, I can admit. We’ve been together almost 10 years. I’m an alcoholic and he is addicted to weed. Over the last year I have been to rehab twice but he has made no moves to get better and legitimately thinks he does nothing wrong. Anytime I have drank, he breaks my shit. Vinyls worth $500+, my phone multiple times, my computer… and it’s all perfectly reasonably because “I told you to stop drinking.” Well tonight was it. I drank, he left the house, and I smashed his Xbox and ran water over it. I know this is all horribly toxic, but I’m done. I’m done pretending I’m the only one with a problem and I just deserve to be belittled and have my stuff broken because of my disease. Fuck him, fuck his stuff, and fuck this whole cycle. I’m going to sober living and going to get my life together. I don’t care what he does anymore. I’m out.

Food is mini corn dogs and mustard with sweet tea not pictured.

Trigger Warning - termination

I had a traumatic termination due to a severe congenital issue. Unplanned. The aftermath was devastating; we had just broken up, it was during Covid, and he left me alone that day because he "couldn't handle it." I cried on the bathroom floor for hours in pain. I was my own nurse.

Years later…Now we're back together. He desperately wants kids. Was sad on Father's Day, had to leave the house to be alone with it. Really wants to be a father.

I don't.

I don't want to bring a child into this world who looks like me, under a president like mine. I don't want to bring a girl into the world who has to work twice as hard because her skin color is not the right one. I don't want another brown or Black boy shot in the streets or swallowed by the prison system.

Don’t get my wrong, I am pro-choice all the way. But physically and emotionally, I don’t want to go through that again. Me and my IUD are besties. I don’t want to feel like I can’t depend on someone if there was another complication or problem. He’s changed and matured a lot, but it’s not a theory I’m willing to test.

And he doesn't seem to grasp the actual weight of this. We'll figure it out, he says. Daycare alone where I live is $4K a month HICOL. I own the home we live in. He splits the mortgage with me, but this is mine. We're both in graduate school. He just bought a brand new expensive truck. I'm still driving my 12-year-old hooptie and I'm perfectly happy with it. I have traveled more in the past 8 years than I ever have.

There's never a perfect time to have kids. But some times are clearly worse than others. we'll figure it out isn't a plan. I’ve told him multiple times that maybe he should find someone else to build a family with.

I don’t want to have a child I end up resenting.

Pictures: Lamb Samosas.

About 1.5 years ago I left a long relationship where I was almost about to get married, was vulnerable and got attached to a male friend who rejected me because he was moving.

The pain of being alone again, and then getting rejected was SO bad that I impulsively turned to masturbation. Not because I was aroused or excited. Everything just hurt so bad I couldn’t figure out a way to soothe myself apart from immediate orgasm relief. Most of the time I wasn’t even wet. I just used my body as a tool to make myself feel better.

I recently dated another man and he was porn-addicted. His obsession with women online hurt so bad, and the breakup was rough.

I’m now in pain again, and I touch myself and imagine the specific women that he liked watching. I imagine him being attracted to them and wanting them and not me. It’s fucked up but I guess my brain is just like “oh, these are the women that are so superior to you, he chose them and not you” and then my nervous system needs immediate relief from these horrible thoughts and the fastest way I know how is to give myself an orgasm.

I know I’m just re-traumatizing myself.

My therapist is aware of a lot of things (I have CPTSD and generalized anxiety) but this is one of those things I just don’t feel ready to talk about. It’s fucking awful. It’s embarrassing. It’s sad as FUCK.

It usually happens when I’m not busy. When I am alone in my house, when my phone is quiet and my friends are busy, when I don’t have much work to do or errands have been done. When the house is eerily quiet. My brain will start thinking of the pain again and bam.

I am a busy person. I have a full time job, a side gig, and a hobby that consumes a lot of my life. I live alone and am independent. I have friends that really care about me.

I’m just scared that the only way I can stop this is to make myself so busy I don’t have time to be sad.

(And before anybody asks: yeah my therapist and I made some ground rules, I cannot be dating again for at least 3 months minimum because I’m not very secure in myself. But it’ll probably be longer).

Walked out of a convo today (in front of 2 other men) after a guy started making comments about how women should dress and how their husband should have the final say in that. I just said ‘I’m not comfortable with this whatsoever and I’m leaving’ and did, heard him say ‘maybe a bit sensitive?’ too lmao like he wasn’t just getting his panties in the twister over what random women do with their bodies.

Then they keep complaining that women don’t give them a chance anymore, marriage rates are down, divorce rates are up, the birth rate is in the absolute gutter, lol get used to it.

Salmon, sweet potato, and tomatoes with oil, vinegar, and feta.

I've been married five years this month. Together for six. The first years were life goals kind of marriage. We had our bumps, but we always worked through things and it was okay.

Last year my husband had cancer. Did surgery and chemo, but came through with much worse mental health issues. I tried to make it work, but he has intermittent explosive disorder and PTSD and ADHD. I realized that we were going into abuse territory with his rage and the ADHD was making it impossible to keep our 3 year old safe.

I asked him to move out and work on his mental and physical health. Not separate, just live apart to give him a child free semester to heal.

Things haven't improved. Marriage counseling homework has been ignored. He blew up this week and gave me the silent treatment then whiplash back to his usual self after a few hours.

I was done that night. I made plans to divorce. But, I decided to create a 24 month separation agreement with concrete goals and deadlines. In my state, it is legally binding, it gives us a date for a financial split. It gives him actionable items to work on. We edited it together and he was going to print it so we could sign it - printer doesn't work with my computer.

He forgot. That just feels like a death knell. One more thing procrastinated on and not taken care of.

I love this man. I like him. He's funny and kind and sweet and generous. He has issues post chemo that I have to protect myself and my child from, but this is so much harder than my first separation and divorce. He's a fundamentally good man that has PTSD from combat and a lifetime of struggles with mental health. I feel horrible in many ways but I also feel very proud of myself as a mom that I'm doing something so hard and painful to protect my child.

I have therapy in a few hours. I'll be okay. But I'm still sad.

EDIT: to the lovely people talking about in sickness and in health. I've stood by this man through cancer, chemo, diabetes. I've advocate. I've tried everything I know to do.

But when you start having blackout rages, calling our child names, and breaking things - that's a safety issue for the child. My responsibility as a mom comes first there.

I'm giving him two years to work through stuff. This is after six months of him living apart and having zero parental responsibilities. I've tried.

I'm graduating with honors I don't need him anyways. Right?

So I went clothes shopping this morning. My friend and I went to a few cute places both new and thrift. I have not clothe shopped for a while because it’s never been a good experience and today was just another repeat. I’m a 34 waist by 30 length. My shirt size is 16 I’ve been medically transitioning for 4 years. No hips to speak of but the kind of tits that make coworkers ask if they are real cause they are 38c . I’m not the smallest girl. But those measurements limited me to essentially 9 pants and 4 shirts out of about 300. I felt fat in that nothing was fitting and dysphoric in that my shoulders stretched all the shirts.

I am totally looking for advice here from cis and trans girls on how to not making every time clothes shopping feel like a self destructive futile effort.

Pictured is home made spicy tuna onigiri pan fried that honestly I’ve been really good at recently, super cheap to make for lunches too.

Thank you ladies in advance.

EDIT

[Entire post redacted]

I’m not going to delete this post so I can go back and read the comments. Thank you all so much to those of you who said kind words.

It’s still really hard for me emotionally to line up with the logic because of the bpd but I hope I can get there. If anyone has any tips on how to not feel like relationships are life or death that would be helpful.

I feel like logically I know what needs to be done but truly my bpd is something else. Iykyk 🥲

I’m also getting some death threats in my DMs as much as I’d love to let more perspectives roll in. I’m having such a hard time right now and all I can do is pray that I can build income outside of what I’ve done. I know I am smart, capable, and talented. I can do UGC, sell my art, work on the app my partner and I are working on together.

Obviously none of this while ever scale to how much I made on OF and I feel sad I couldn’t at least pay off debt before I let the shame and regret he brought into my life consume me.

The whole waking up nauseous with dread every morning does suck a teeny bit.

Btw here is the pasta recipe. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTSe5yuw6/

Sitting on the floor eating after last nights sex sesh where nothing happened. We’ve been together for three years and get along well, never had fights, always have healthy conflict, laugh all the time. I find him very handsome and other people do too, not like that matters but I would say he’s the one guy that I’ve had the most issues with other girls wanting him 😅

The two ways I get there are from head or a vibrator. It does take me awhile, maybe like 15-20 min. I have been able to finish with past partners. Well in this relationship I have primarily been using my vibrator because I’ve only ever came 3 times from head the entire time we’ve been together. Which I’ll give him some credit because for awhile I was on antidepressants, but it’s been over a year since I’ve stopped taking them.

I’ve tried to be more open about how I like it and I gave him the she comes first book which he read and took notes on. I can tell he genuinely wants me to get there. The problem is that he’s too gentle and falls out of rhythm constantly. Which is crazy because I have the world’s most sensitive girl and I’m usually telling men to not be so hard. Anyways, aside from directly telling him, I’ll even grab his head and push it a little so he catches my drift or hold his head in place. It doesn’t matter.

This thing has become a giant issue because now when he’s down there he gets anxious and so do I. everything he does feels great; but it feels like I get edged into oblivion and it’s so frustrating feeling.

It feels so unfair that he can just do what he needs to do to get there and he always does while with me it’s a roll of the dice. I am stumped on what else I can do other than me verbally saying what I need from him and being non verbal with my body language— because I’ve already done those things!!!

My friends all talk about how their bfs are munches and it makes me so jealous. I just feel like our sex life is still in the beginning stages and it’s been three fucking years. It makes me not want to have sex. I NEED HELP.

EDIT: this is how sex usually goes for us:
He goes down
It feels amazing , sometimes even seconds in!!
I get really close I just need that final push
He loses rhythm or gets softer
It revs back up again
I get close again
Same thing happens
I grab his head and push him down or hold him in place
He doesn’t pick up on my cues - even tho I’ve told him when I’m grabbing here it means this when I’m pushing tbere it means that etc etc
Now atp I’m just annoyed and frustrated and I don’t want to continue because it’ll have been 20 minutes and I feel exhausted trying to get there
I use my vibrator while he fucks me
The end

Posted to [r/GirlDinner](r/GirlDinner) too , I know

We had a loving and really happy relationship. Live together peacefully for 3 years. Some hitches, but I thought we were on the same page working through it. Guess not. 6 1/2 years…. It doesn’t feel real. Feels like one of those bad dreams where your lovely boyfriend who would never do that is completely unlike himself for some reason. Except I can’t wake up from this. So. Yeah :/

ETA: it’s my birthday on Saturday

Pictured: Handful of goldfish, some Oreos.. I ate the 3-4 rice cakes that were there

Unpictured: the copious amounts of weed. I’m doing what I can

Idk how to put this properly because, in the grand scheme of things, maybe this is all nothing...

My boss hired a man after my workplace had been an all-women team for years. At the time, I really thought it would be a good thing to have a different perspective, but I really don't like being around this man.

He tries to be helpful, but he over-explains things and acts like he's teaching me things I already know. He's always lingering in my office, and I really don't like that. I've just been dealing with it because it doesn't seem like a huge problem, and maybe it's all in my head.

Until today.

Our workplace is super small, and my other coworker called in sick, so I was alone with him. He came in late, and honestly, I was really hoping he wouldn't show up at all. I was on a call when he walked into my office and just stood there staring and hovering over me so he could ask me to open a door he doesn't have access to yet. It was so he could retrieve something non-urgent. We have Teams, and the office is tiny, so idk why he couldn't wait or send me a message. All I had to do was press a button to open the door, it wasn't like I had to physically go do it. I opened the door and finished my call.
He came back into my office while I was wrapping up. I noticed he had a bottle in his hand and was taking out what I assume were vitamin pills. He offered me one by asking if I wanted "something to make me smart." I said no, and when he asked why, I said I wasn't going to take strange pills from someone I just met. (Probably unprofessional, but it was my gut reaction.) He got kind of defensive and said I was a weirdo for taking it the wrong way and that they were just vitamins. I brushed it off as me maybe being unprofessional.

Then he asked about our missing coworker, and I said, "Yeah, she's sick." He replied, "Oh, so it's just you and me..."
Later, he asked me to go see Toy Story with him, and... no. I playfully, but probably bitchily, said that I don't like Disney. He dropped it after that, but there were a bunch of other little things throughout the day that I didn't like. These are just the ones that really made me feel sick to my stomach.

I used to feel so free and comfortable here and I’m just sad about where things are going.

Grocery store sushi tonight

I wonder if this misery is just normal adulthood. I also wonder if all people absolutely hate their job. I asked family and friends and most of them don’t hate their job at all which honestly surprised me. Turns out I’m not just a normal adult, but I’m an exceptionally miserable and a stupid one.

I get paid so little that all these tears aren’t even rewarded with money. So why am I even doing this. I wake up, I cry, I go to work, come back home, cry again, go to sleep, and repeat that everyday. But also I can’t quit because i think being unemployed is even worse. I’m stuck. I feel so exhausted that I cant have a life after work to cheer myself up a little. I cant do any hobbies or go out because Im really tired. Any remaining energy is spent on showering, eating, cleaning. Then I just sleep. I don’t know, I’m just thinking, what is really the point of my life if I’m so unhappy and unfulfilled.

I work hard 12 hours a day 6 days a week and I can’t even buy things for myself, i have never traveled and will never be able to afford it even if i start working 20 hours everyday. I wish I was as smart as others to be able to do jobs that won’t make me cry every single day. At this point I don’t even mind the crying and suffering, I would handle it if I had a good salary. I don’t I’m just lost and tired. Sorry for the silly rant.

Food: vegetarian sushi! White rice with carrots, capers, cream cheese, avocado, and peas!!

long story short: talking to the a guy I thought was cool, told him I was neurodivergent (ADHD/awaiting autism screening diagnosis) and he said:

“awh! you’re so cute and weird! you kind of act like a golden retriever!”

and I paused, looked at this text and went “what?”

now I’m usually very happy go lucky, and kind, and passive (healing from being a people pleaser!!) I went through a lot of bullying/ostracization as a kid.. I try to be the mature person and not react, not let words get to me. But that was straight up dehumanizing — to be compared to a dog..? I mean I mightve mixed up his comment.. like “ohh black cat gf! golden retriever bf!!” but like— he sent it in a voice note- and his tone was very.. leaning on something bad. Like it was condescending. I picked up on it..

I am— deeply hurt. Because I’ve spent years trying to fit in, and embrace my neurodivergence. But there are many times where I still feel left out/not human.

I blocked him.. and got rid of him.
but his comment still lingers.

Whole wheat bread, lettuce, quesillo, chile serrano, cherry tomatoes, avocado and salsa macha. Cheap Argentinian wine.

Sorry in advance for the long post.

We  (43f/41m) met in a dating app 5 years ago, got married 10 months later. Noticed some red flags, but ignored them.

Anyway, we’ve had our ups and downs, mostly related to finances (he’s always kinda been against splitting the bills equally, extremely stingy sometimes, or saving money behind my back for himself while I’m struggling with my kids, work, house, school, you get the picture). He does contribute more now, but it’s always been an issue.  Arguments like “They're YOUR kids” have been brought up a few times, especially when he runs out of arguments. I’ve never, not once, asked him to pay for the kid’s school, clothing, or anything like that, nor have I ever asked him to be a father figure for them.

I’m more of a stay and work at home person, I don’t need constant social stimuli, and he’s more outgoing and likes socializing etc., also he travels for work regularly, maybe 8-10 times per year.

Sexually we get along GREAT.

Two months ago, everything was shit and we needed some time away, so he went to stay with his family for 3 weeks. During that time, we both thought about what could work out and the non-negotiables or things we could consider in the relationship. We talked after he came back, and I still felt strange, asking myself if I actually still love him. I absolutely love being alone with my kids, or by myself. I go to bed earlier, am less tired and more peaceful when he’s away. The house is more tidy and clean.

He did start to take care of stuff around the house, taking the car to the mechanic, etc. I was still noticing things I didn’t like at all, but tried to be gentle on this, gain clarity and avoid conflicts, observing myself and our relationship to see how it worked out. He's asked if everything was alright, because I haven’t been very touchy or sweet lately. He’s also complained about me being distant or not telling him that I love him. I’m not rude, but I’ve been needing time with myself.

Now to the shitshow. We both cook and sell food. I own a small home bakery, which will be redesigned in a couple of months. I still don’t really have one place where I can lock my baking stuff in.

We share cooking utensils, but I’ve asked him many times to please not use my baking pots or bowls, or specific spatulas, plates, cutting boards or knives. The thing is, I can’t allow my bread to taste like some of the strong stuff he makes (Indian or Thai food, fish, garlic, onion, etc.), so I thought it’s a reasonable request, as I bake mostly sweet or neutral bread. He’s also broken some of my things, left them crusty or oily. The things he uses are normally sticky and get useless pretty quickly.

It’s been an issue, as he kept using my stuff . Over the years I’ve asked him to be considerate, and even thought to myself that maybe I was the one being petty. Two days ago, he grabbed my apron, took out everything I had in its pockets, and put it into another apron, so he could use mine. I told him where his one was and asked nicely to please not take my stuff out of any pocket.  

He makes music for a living, and has his own studio in the backyard, where he keeps all of his instruments and devices. I’ve tried asking him how he’d feel if I just walked into the studio taking his stuff to use it randomly. Instead of listening or empathizing with my point, he’s always gotten defensive, shifting guilt and using arguments based on whatever thing I did years ago (that we had actually discussed and cleared when it happened).

Yesterday I walked into the kitchen to prepare the dog’s food and he asked me why I hated it when he cooks. I hadn’t told him anything, nor had I glanced at all the mess he was doing. I just told him it was frustrating to see how messy he was and that’s why I’d rather be in my outside kitchen while he cooked (he does clean afterwards, though it took him years to learn that he had to clean after himself). This made him sad and he told me so. I didn’t know how to respond to that because I literally just went into the kitchen to get the dog’s food, so.

Yeah, today. I’m in my outside kitchen making some nice tomato sauce and was looking for the pot I use for that. He was making garlicky-spicy naan, using my pot. When I noticed, I said, ”Oh, you’re using that pot. Okay.”

He told me he could wash it and give it to me, but I told him not to worry, I’d use another one. Which I did. I’d been on the edge for days, but I was talking calmly and thought well, I won’t make this a big deal BECAUSE I DON’T WANNA FIGHT. So, I grabbed another pan and started making the sauce and he kept telling me he’d wash mine and give it to me, I told him no problem. Literally had the sauce inside the pan and he kept insisting on washing mine and so on. I only told him "no thanks, it’s no problem, I think it’s better for me to keep my stuff separately." He stormed off.

Came back and slammed my clean pot on the table, going HERE’S YOUR POT. I said ok, thank you.

He said: “see how everything is always my fault?”

I told him calmly that I’ve asked him so many times to please respect my stuff, and he dismissed it completely, started guilt-shifting and doing the same thing he always does. He holds on to one single idea and starts dissociating, not listening, interrupting me and DEFENDING that ONE idea, even is it's somwthing I never said or did.

I literally couldn’t finish a single sentence without him interrupting me. He repeated the same fucking arguments like:

“That one time I let you use my speaker and YOU LEFT IT OUTSIDE the whole afternoon”

“You also use my new IKEA knives” (I rarely do)

“It doesn’t matter *what* I use the utensils for; you use mine, too.”

“Who RUINED my pan?!” (which weeks ago he wanted to throw away because, as he said, it was old, crusty and ugly. I’d used it to roast tomatoes).

Told him it’s a matter of respecting my work. I’m trying to start a little café and bread bar, and he just doesn’t take it seriously. Every time I told him “Please respect my work” he just looked away or interrupted me. Mind you, his number 1 priority *is* actually his work. It’s okay! Why can't he understand it the other way round?

Asked him if he would like it if I grabbed his work stuff to play around, or taking his microphones to go and sing karaoke? Asked him “would you still think it doesn’t matter what I use it for?”

He dismissed it completely saying “It’s different”.

I was pretty frustrated. Not yelling, but my breathing accelerated, my voice was breaking and I raised it a bit. He calmly stated “You’re getting too upset. Don’t raise your voice”.

And kept on looking for arguments to justify what he was doing and why I was in the wrong. I don’t get how he can’t just say ok, I’ll respect your stuff, instead of looking for reasons to keep doing it, even though he knows I don’t like it.

And ffs I couldn’t get him to stop interrupting me or clinging to old arguments, talking about whatever he could remember of me doing at any point of the relationship, and using that to attack me. I remembered posts I had read here, about men who just say you’re crazy when they run out of arguments, after they’re the ones who are actively trying to gaslight you.

And I though shit, it’s really happening. Now I see it.

So at the end he said “We can’t even talk anymore. Let’s get divorced” and went into the house.

So yeah. I think I feel relieved, but worried also. I don’t think I’m gonna fight for this anymore.

BUT

Did I overreact? Should I share everything with him? Am I seeing things, maybe I’ve been rude by distancing myself from him the last few days? I think I did it because I couldn’t allow myself to get emotions in the way of trying to fix this relationship. And the fact that we get along so well sexually and really are attracted to each other makes this so fucking hard.

Why? Do other men do this, too? Why can’t he just take accountability or respect my limits? Why stepping so low? Am I over reacting? He’s “a good man” if you know what I mean. A decent human being, and I’m scared, too, that I’ll regret this. Help me get through.

Holy shit, I don’t even know where to go from now.