Reposting because I was finding the feedback really comforting and helpful. Thank you.

I was supposed to have an appointment with my long-time therapist in early July.

That day she texted to let me know she was running late because she was getting some bloodwork done. She had to "figure out this virus."

Later that week she let me know she had to cancel all appointments for the time being.

This morning I learned she passed away after a brief battle with cancer.

She was basically my closest confidante for 14 years. She helped me rebuild myself. I'm so grateful to her.

I'm not sure how to feel.

Breakfast: tea, apple, popcorn.

BLT pizza with to much mayo but still delish.

I've been married for 8 years, together for 13. I'll start out by saying I know everyone's drives are different. We've never had like crazy amounts of sex and have settled into once maybe twice a week and I was ok with that but would've been happy with more. ive definitely been to the one to be rejected rather then the stereotypical wife rejecting the husband And that honestly ruins my self confidence because it's just so embarrassing. so I stopped initiating because I'm not going to repeatedly do that to myself, and now we do it once or twice a month. I love him so much but I am only 31 and I can't imagine it'll get better as we get older and I'm so sad to think about this being my whole life. I've talked to him about it but nothing really has changed. And it's embarrassing to continuously bring up but also don't want to make it seem like I'm pressure him.

edit: I forget people are grossed out by mayo because I am a gross mayo girly😭😂 is BLT pizza just a Midwest thing lol sorry people lol

Dinner is chicken rice noodles 🍜

So yesterday I was sitting on the beach, watching sunset and hysterically crying over my ex (like REAL UGLY crying). He left me 6 months ago and it still hurts like hell.. Our entire 2-year relationship was so emotionally exhausting and volatile: he had severe commitment issues, was always one foot out of the door, was always choosing everyone else over me, never allowed vulnerability on his side, barely offered any real intimacy and overall just never chose me. And like your typical story goes, I tried everything in my power to make him choose me pick me love me while shrinking myself and betraying myself entirely over and over again. When he left, I was shattered - my entire life was him. All I ever wanted was for him to choose me. And so I'm still grieving a relationship that basically never existed outside of me.

Then, here comes the hero of the story - a guy walks by and asks me if I'm okay. I say 'yes' dismissively and go back to ugly crying but instead of leaving he offered to sit down with me and chat if I'm up for it. I agreed and in the next 40 minutes he showed me more kindness, support and understanding than my ex in the past 2 years. He asked how I ended up here, how I feel, was so attuned to my feelings and emotions and was constantly reassuring me that I'm doing fine considering all I've been through. He was so attuned and aware, asked multiple times if I'd rather be alone or if I prefer him to stay, he was 20 minutes late to a meeting with his friend and yet stayed to make sure I'm alright. Not hitting up on me, not trying to get something out of it, just sat down, listened and held space for me during an emotional moment. At the end of our conversation I felt so seen, so heard, so.. validated. And at the same time I felt sad that for 2 years I allowed someone to absolutely destroy my perception of men, break my trust a million times and make me forget that emotionally mature and available men DO exist, it's just that I allowed someone without those qualities to be in my life for way too long.

Anyways, I asked if he would like to hang out some time and gave him my number, promising that I'm not always a mess or crying when I'm out with people 😅 He took it but honestly I don't think he'll reach out (I bet I looked/sounded proper crazy yesterday) but I'd so looove to meet again - he reminded me that good men are around, as long as I stop settling for less 😭

Okay before I start, I want to preface that I have been severely mentally ill before. I struggle with OCD, depression, anxiety, PTSD, the whole lineup. I know what it's like to struggle. I have been fortunate enough to find a combination of meds and therapy that help me and I consider myself to be "recovered." I still have my bad days, but I'm having more good days than bad lately.

That being said, I find myself becoming less and less empathetic to those around me struggling with mental illness. Not necessarily the emotional side of it, but the actionable side of it.

I keep watching my friend tear herself down, talk shit about herself all the time, constantly implode and sabotage her situations when I *know* she knows better. And then she runs to me for a shoulder to cry on. Everything is always happening *to* her. It's always somebody else's fault and she's always the helpless victim. It's exhausting.

I'm just so tired of watching her refuse treatment, refuse medication, refuse any advice I give her. I'm sick of it. If you don't want to put in the work and get help, you don't deserve to get better. You can't expect somebody else to pull you out of your depression, you *HAVE* to want it and do it yourself.

Sure, get meds and a therapist, that's OKAY!!! Support is wonderful for recovery. It doesn't make you weak or less than. But stop fucking making the same bad choices over and over and over and over again and then making the "surprised Pikachu face" when things go to shit for the 1,000th time.

As someone who put in an immense amount of work to get where I am, it feels like a slap in the face. But maybe I just didn't have it as bad, idk. I'm just tired, boss.

My first week back at college was last week and I can’t help but notice of the 3 classes I’m taking in person 2 of my professors have very complacent stances on ai. My intercultural communications professor straight up said she’s okay with using AI for brainstorming. And one of my art professors said that they used ai to write a story. I feel like I’m losing my mind because in college level arts & humanities classes is the absolute last place you’d hope ai would be encouraged. As an art major this is making me majorly depressed seeing how so much of our world is progressively relying on ai and how it’s being widely used more and more. I’m personally very aware of the environmental impact that it has and other ways AI harms people. It just feels ridiculous seeing even my professors being okay with this. I feel absolutely insane walking around being anti ai while everyone is either pro ai or neutral.

French toast latte and matcha macaron

So a bit of context since I was little my father would come home drunk or not even drunk but something dumb would trigger him and he'd start yelling at me calling me names. My mom would only say once 'calm down stop it' and then leave him yelling at me from the top of his lungs. I moved 3 years ago but we're in the same town.

Well today I went with my parents to get our new IDs. We then went to have a coffee. He ordered a lemonade. Mind you this is one of my favourite spots in town. After he received his lemonade he started yelling that this is no lemonade, only ice. Yelling I'm telling you. The server, a really nice girl, said she will take it back and bring a new one without ice at all if he'd like. Now a normal person would say yes. He just started yelling even louder saying that he'll just take the ice out himself. She said ok you can put in on this tray I'll take it back. Now, besides yelling, he started taking out the ice and THROWING it on the tray. He threw it so hard it then fell to the ground. All while that nice girl was holding the tray and smiling. He kept yelling some more. It felt like a fever dream. My pistachio affogato was sitting untouched while I felt I couldn't take this for more. I took the server by her arm and told her to come with me inside cause I wanted to pay. Once inside I kind of started crying and told her I'm so sorry and that he has mental issues. She was still smiling saying that's fine. I kept apologizing and paid. Then I went back outside and drank my affogato in like 10 seconds although my teeth hurt =)). And then I announced my parents that I'm leaving bc some people are 60 but act like they're 5. As I was leaving I heard him yelling after me asking why the fuck was I leaving, he was made fun of by given only ice and they made a fool of him. I continued crying as I was almost running and could hear him yelling at me lol.

So yeah I think this is the last time I talked to them. He has mental issues and treats people like shit and my mother just accepts this. She thinks she's better cause she doesn't act like it but she's still with him wth. I remember when I was like 12 i asked her in the tram why doesn't she divorce. Like your kid asking you this is a sign you're with a pos man.

Pic is bibimbap from the local Korean restaurant.

And he has no idea. Yet.

Dinner is french bread pizza with extra parmesan on top. It's all I can manage today.

Over the past 10ish years, something changed in him. And not for the better.

I'm tired of everything - feeling let down, getting yelled at for little things, comments, snide remarks, inability to talk about anything without him basically telling me I am wrong about everything and anything. My heart has shut off to him. My brain is in high gear and I know deep in my gut this is the right course.

1. His half-brained "ideas" involving money and not telling me until it's bad and it eventually gets worse. Several times now, the money disappears and he's begging me to fix it. The last time I flat out refused. The money just disappeared again and he's waiting for a "payout" that will never come.
2. He refuses to take care of himself - he's not the healthiest, has neuropathy in his legs, fell so many times I had to call 911 once to get him up off the back stairs. He's cracked his head open, broken ribs, did a number on his back and refuses to admit he has type II diabetes. Plus, I do believe he is drinking again while in his office and he thinks no one can see him do it.
3. Last year he got sick at work and I had to call 911 to get him to the ER. He tried to leave that night - from the resuscitation bay where is O2 was hovering at 83-85% - and I had to sternly tell him to cut the crap and stay put. He was in the hospital for 11 days with sepsis, double pneumonia and a MSSA infection (one step below MRSA) - and then expected me to keep my mouth shut about "his" medical decisions when he refused to go to rehab to regain his strength, like a 1950's housewife. I did shut down for 6 days and every phone call/appointment/medication/health care related decision to this illness went to his phone. Anyone who called me got directed back to him. On the 7th day, he caved and asked me to help him. I didn't just leave him flailing - I made him comfortable, he was fed, cleaned and so forth. I'm not heartless or cruel. I just kept my mouth shut.

There's so much more that I cannot type it all out.

In April of this year, my only uncle passed away. I will receive a life changing inheritance (7+ figures). Probate is ongoing but moving along thanks to my brothers who are the executors. I set up my own savings and checking account so any money from said inheritance will NOT be mixed into our joint accounts and also did my research). I chose to do this because we used my inheritance from my mom to buy the house we live in and the inheritance from his mother paid for 2 years worth of him getting hired and fired in quick succession due to his own incompetence and 1 legal issue he caused by himself. Meanwhile, I worked 2 part time jobs to make ends meet. All while taking care of our two kids.

My notebook I've been writing things in has now become the "D-Day" notebook.

I've already spoken with an attorney, secured a place to live (both kids are over 21 but want to leave as well, so I got a 3 bedroom place for the time being.) Next up will be furniture and incidentals needed to set up house. I want nothing from this house other than my personal belongings (and the kid's personal belongings.) I will give him 1/2 of what I owe on the mortgage/loans because I signed off on those like he did.

I am going to make him an offer he cannot refuse.

I'm so done. I can taste the end is near.

ETA: Thank you all for the validation of being free!!!

To answer some comments"

1. Located in NJ. Inheritance is NOT a marital asset unless you put it in a joint account. I did not so he will never know the amount of money I will inherit. No pre-nup as it was not necessary when we got married. Neither of us are from money.
2. My uncle never married, had no kids, inherited everything from my grandparents and added to it since 2002. He was also very, very fugal from what we have found in his house. Seriously mind boggling to myself and my 2 brothers.
3. I am an extremely organized person. Hence the plan. Seriously I have tabs to keep things in order, I've stapled info to pages, hide it every single day in my lunch bag for work and as I think of things, I write it down.
4. Kids are over the moon.
5. My best friend and I have decided to retire to Cabo. She can work if she wants.

ETA 2: fixed some wording!

ETA 3: My Jersey girls - hell yeah!!!

And seriously everyone, thank you for the support! The plan has been in motion since the start of the year (before I even knew of the inheritance) and it's all coming together right now. Things fell into place this week on a huge scale by securing a place to live.

I have done my research on all of this and have a lawyer, a financial advisor plus the support of my kids and friends near me. I am well aware of what needs to be done on top of everything I have already done to ensure this goes as smoothly as possible for me and the kids.

Eta and edited for more info: so uh, thanks i guess. I truly appreciate those that informed me of united way as i didnt know about that before. I also appreciate those who offered support and other resources. But I think my PPD is getting to me pretty bad with the negative comments especially the ones saying i should have terminated/just put them up for adoption, etc... so im just gonna stop responding in general.

I (25F) had my child recently. Born healthy, pregnancy went really well with minimal complications.

I live in a blue state in the USA with decent benefits regarding pregnancy and post birth coverage. My partner and I finally saved up enough money to be able to afford first, last, and security on a new apartment as out lease ends next month and it is not guaranteed that we will be able to renew our lease. We were finally doing well.

Being in a blue state with those state benefits in mind, I thought things were going to continue to go well after my child was born.

Apparently I was wrong.

I applied for the benefits before I gave birth since I knew the date I was being induced would qualify as my first day away from work and after that it said I was qualified for temporary disability (which my company needs their approval before they will pay me even though i was approved through my job) for about two months and about a month after that for bonding. Mostly because I contributed enough of my paychecks to the state fund over time to be able to use it.

I felt pretty good about the application, I got all the necessary paperwork and got my doctors to fill it out and everything was submitted on time if not early.

A couple weeks ago I called the state to ask why my leave wasn't approved yet and they said it was because it was in review and they needed to finish it. Told me to wait for something in the mail. Okay cool, no payments but we have enough to scrape by for this month as long as we cut down on food spending and use less gas etc. (I was denied wic and snap as I made 50$ too much on one of my paystubs)

A day after that my partners car breaks down with all three of us in it. We try to call AAA but his membership expired. He makes a new membership and we pay the hundred something dollars for it and call to get a tow. The woman on the phone said because we made the account that day, we would still have to pay for a tow in full. So there went 200$ more.

My car currently is not working well but we managed to only go to appointments for our child and make it home safely until his car got repaired.

The shop we brought his car to blessed us and only charged 1500 for the work. At the other shop (a chain) we originally planned to bring it to, it would have been around 5000.

So we slap that on a credit card to make sure we have enough for our next apartment and still have the rest of our emergency fund.

Fast forward to last week. I called the state again to ask why im still not being paid for my leave. My bills haven't stopped. The utility bills came in way more expensive than usual and the saved money is disappearing fast to take care of our child. Formula isnt lasting long, pumping isnt working (my supply went from 4oz every 3 hours to 1 ounce every 6). I also found out today he has a milk allergy so they changed us to a more expensive formula and i can no longer offer breastmilk anyway. Things are piling up.

And the state said it was still in review. A month and a half later it hasn't been touched. So they said a manager would call me back.

10 minutes later I get an email saying I got denied. They said "there is no illness for which benefits can be paid". I was already approved by my job but they could not pay me until the state approved me.

The manager calls me and said to correct some information and submit a new application. I asked how long it would take to review and she said to call back NEXT THURSDAY to see if they even RECEIVED IT because theyre "too busy".

I told her if it doesnt go through I will not have enough for the rent next month and will be homeless if they wont renew my lease.

And she said

"Sorry, that sucks." And hung up.

So after submitting the new application I've called a few times (providing the phone auto hangs up for the first 20 calls i tried and then got put on hold for 4 hours once i actually got through). They said it will take about 6 additional weeks for review.

My partner had applied for leave for one month and due to a "clerical error" was only approved for 10 days.

We're selling everything we can to afford the more expensive formula, finding every coupon we can, getting every free sample can possible. I cancelled appointments for my health so we could avoid the expensive copays, which sucks because i currently have a double ear infection, leg/neck pains and i think BV starting. The postpartum depression is getting worse by the day. My child is losing their pediatrician because they need new insurance from the state since i cannot afford the one we had before anymore. We cant afford childcare because its more than a rent payment every month and somehow i dont qualify for childcare assistance either (???) My credit score is starting to take hits. My 780 score that took years to build is starting to tank.

Everything we have built together is crumbling to the ground and im watching my future slip away.

The hormones are already killing me, im beyond depressed, having a panic attack that feels like its lasted multiple weeks in a row, and physically feeling horrible on top of it.

Im worried the state will take my child away and use state funds to take care of them when at the same time they refused benefits to us and put us in this situation to begin with.

I dont know what to do anymore.

We wont be able to afford everything next month.

Ive been homeless before as a teen and managed to work my way to an apartment with my partner but this is different.

Im scared, sleep deprived, sad... a bit of everything rn. I spent the whole night crying, trying not to wake my partner so he wouldn't be too tired for work today.

Im beyond ashamed to call this country my home.

Girl breakfast: popcorn cause its cheap asf

My younger brother (a freshman in high school) pretty much just ruined his high school life. I don’t know all the details, but I guess he sent someone intimate pics and they spreading it out. there was a message in my extended family group chat about looking out for suspicious messages so I think they’re going as fast as sending it to family members. I am completely at a loss because i’m in college right now 4 hours away and my mom spoke to an officer who said they couldn’t do anything. I did speak to my counselor who told me what to do but this is never going to leave him. I heard about the boy that ended his own life after his intimate pics were spread and now im terrified he might make an attempt. this is so crazy.

here’s my dinner :-) just some ice cream from sam’s club

EDIT: Thank you to everyone who gave me good advice and told me their own similar stories. I did speak to him and told him that I will always support him and I only wrote the title as I was very distressed at the time. I also spoke more to my mother and the situation isn’t as bad as we thought, so luckily everything will be okay.

Featured meal: pork ramen with black garlic

This is for any girl on here wanting hope that great romances are real and they’re worth finding.

Spoiler: I am officially engaged to my DREAM of a man!

In my previous relationship, I was with him for 3 years. And in those 3 years, we lived together, built a life together and on paper everything was great. But our relationship felt like business partners rather than a romantic one. We just worked really well together at doing life. He wasn’t romantic or affectionate and after a while I just genuinely didn’t feel seen or understood for various reasons. Our sex life was also pretty bad. We didn’t align in that department. I’d communicate and basically beg for affection, physical intimacy, and some form of romance but he said “You just want to live in a fantasy world like your books. No guy is like that”. By the 3rd year together and multiple issues piling up, I finally had the courage to walk away from this life we built (which I did love as a whole) and decided that I’d rather be single than feel alone and so unseen in a relationship.

Eventually, I started dating my now fiancé who has been so consistent, so romantic, so affectionate, so loving and most of all, kind. He is beyond intentional and I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Almost daily, I get complimented on how I’m glowing and genuinely it’s because I’m so well loved. Looking back I am SO glad I had the courage to step into the unknown. I had to move, live alone again, restart my life and habits and it was scary at first but everything worked out great. I have wonderful friends and family that helped with my healing. And here I am now with my real life fantasy man building a life together that I’m so excited about 🫶🏻

Dinner: wonton soup

Trigger warnings: death, infertility and pregnancy

I found out this morning. And my husband and I are pretty blasé about it.

I have had the worst year of my life. Between the end of Feb and the end of May, (tw: death and a brief description)my friend, my mom, my uncle and my dog all passed away. Two were sudden, two I watched their rapid decline due to cancer and old age. It just fucking sucked.

My mom left a substantial amount of money for us so I spent a lot of time dreaming about what to do! I started falling in love with the idea of buying a catamaran and sailing around the Bahamas. And after 4 failed fertility treatments, we came to the realization that parenting wasn’t in the cards for us and grieved the loss of that dream, a little early.

The cryogenic freezing was about to expire for our final embryo and after a huge freak out about living under the weight of this embryo, I convinced my husband that we should just do it before the expiry or have it destroyed and move on.

And it was a success! I tested positive today. And we’re both just so “meh” about it?

Part of it is having a long run way: I have a weird sixth sense for pregnancy and have often predicted pregnancy even before the mom has known, and 6 days post transfer I woke up and just knew. We had no expectation of it working at all, since we’ve known nothing but set backs in our fertility journey. Once my period didn’t come on the day it was meant to I knew for certain.

The other part is we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We’re waiting for something horrible to happen.

And lastly I’m sick as hell with a cold. I haven’t slept soundly for a week. I’m exhausted.

I can’t believe it worked. I feel so lucky, and I hope we experience no more tragedy this year. I always wanted two kids but I just feel so lucky with my one and only. 💗

One day it will hit me and I won’t be able to contain myself.

So far my only symptoms are sleeplessness, sleepiness, insatiable hunger and being out of breath walking across the room.

After 9 years together, I had to end my bf 35M and I 33F's relationship.

I didn't want to and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had been basically begging for marriage since year 5. After COVID he went full remote and barely left the computer even when he was off work. He became depressed and sought out to deal with his depression by escaping and travelling to various countries since he could work from anywhere. Every trip he would go on, he'd be gone for a month or more. I would never know when he's coming home, because he was always extending trips. Even when we went vacationing together, I went on a plane home alone.

I pleaded with him that if this is the life he needed, he needed to let me go because we needed different things. He reassured me time and time again we wanted the same things, and would make sure to hang around just long enough to keep me hooked. After a while I started feeling like I was just being baited to wait and hang on for him to finish this new chapter for him. This last fall, I hit a wall and poured my heart out that I needed more consistency and commitment. He said he "wouldn't be a good husband, because I'm travelling all the time". But, he's fine doing it to me as a partner.

We fought about that and landed on domestic partnership. Which wasn't what I wanted, but felt like that was all I was going to get. That was all well and fine, I tried to tell myself, and then we went on a trip to Japan for 4 weeks. When we got back, I asked him if we could celebrate by having a small dinner party with our friends. That's when things got weird: he told me he didn't want to celebrate this, it wasn't marriage, he wasn't my husband, and he didn't really want me to post about it online. Immediately I was filled with shame and sadness. My heart truly broke. I felt like an idiot.

I took a temporary position at work to spend 5/days a week in a hotel for 4 months to clear my head. Halfway through my time there he went on vacation to see a close female friend, when I wrote him a 2 page letter saying how I felt like I had no choice but to amicably separate and reunite in a few months or so to see how we felt, but gave him the option to fight for it. He agreed to the separation. After a slow burn month of May, full of emotional discussion, he moved out most of his things June 1.

And I immediately blossomed. I was relaxed. I made so many new friends. It was like the world opened for me.

And he was so upset I didn't miss him. That I felt better.

He had been begging to visit me for my birthday and I really missed him as a person in my life, and my best friend. Not romantically - but I didn't know if it was possible for him to be a friend for me. I invited him to my birthday festivities but told him I needed to reserve the right to change my mind since it involved company of friends. He said ok. I had this weird feeling that he wasn't ready to be my friend.

On Monday I let him know that I needed to change my mind, and that's when all hell broke loose. He told me he slept with someone new "but she wasn't me, and it made me miss you more" and "I met her and immediately told her about you." I was disgusted and so hurt. I couldn't believe that I thought he was actually going to use the time to process and grow as a person. He told me that he was so hurt that I was insistent that I needed to move on around beginning of August. I still feel sick and it was too soon. I shouldn't have even invited him to the birthday stuff to begin with.

It just feels crazy to me that my body was telling me something was wrong about having him come and giving me the willpower to actually change my mind on Monday.

Even surrounded by many new strong female friends, I miss my best friend so much. Even after I detail how badly I'm hurt, he still messages me things about his favorite show in hopes we can sweep it under the rug and just keep talking.

It hurts so bad but I know I need to meet someone who can show up for me in ways I need. I feel so pathetic and sorry for myself.

dinner is steak, guac, and fries

technically i’ll probably end up having the baby saturday. but my induction is scheduled for friday night. i am so excited and nervous and i have never felt so many emotions at once. i can’t wait to finally meet the baby girl ive been waiting for all year. i can’t wait to not be pregnant anymore! but my life is completely changing which is scary. and, not to mention, i have to go through labor which is making me literally feel nauseous i am terrified. it’s really strange to think about the fact that the baby i’ve been growing, the baby who’s been kicking the crap out of me for months, the baby i’ve been imagining with my partner is going to be in my arms so soon. i can’t wait to be a mom, and a girl mom at that. i can’t wait to speak life into her every day. i can’t wait to show her how loved she is. i can’t wait to see who she will become. i feel like my entire existence was meant for my daughter. i want to give her the entire world and more. just have to get through the horrors of labor and delivery first. wish me luck!

Some veggies from my garden 🪴

I’m a 26 year old woman, and I feel like a shell of a person.

I work a 9 to 5 I can’t stand. My co-workers are all boomers and rude. I’m the only POC and Gen Z. I don’t get paid enough to leave my parents house.

My ex situationship who is also my personal trainer (became this AFTER we stopped messing around…whole other can of worms…) has a girlfriend now and he is happy. This is like my third time being the trial person for someone else to figure out what they want.

My ex best friend got a high paying job, lives in California now in some actor’s guest house, and slowly distanced herself from me until she cut me off.

Im not religious or spiritual, and that puts a distance between me and a lot of the people I speak to. I’m not open with my views, unless asked directly. But I don’t have some higher power or magical energy I can believe in to give me any mental tether to any of the bullshit here.

Still recovering from (a particularly traumatic event I won’t say cause I don’t want to get flagged).

Spend all my free time in the gym, because lifting I the only thing that makes me feel anything, but don’t feel apart of any fitness or gym community.

Anyone else I try to speak to only uses me as a sounding board for their day or problems. I am not allowed to talk about myself, because they get distracted and their eyes glaze over and they don’t care.

I do what is required of me all day, with no energy or will, feeling like a zombie. No real purpose in it. I haven’t felt happiness in years. I don’t feel like a woman or even a human, really.

Just a ghost, smoking my day away cause it’s my only friend.

Pictured: breakfast on the balcony of a recent cruise with wifey

I know this is ridiculously irrational but here goes: I’m in a loving, fulfilling relationship. My wife makes me feel loved and beautiful and sexy and desired. That’s not the problem.

We’re nonmonogamous, which is also not the problem. The issue is I always feel like my wife and our best friend who often is in sexy situations with us get all the attention. Maybe it’s because I’m a top/domme and I’m expected to take the lead. Maybe it’s because I’m fat and they’re not. I know I’m pretty and I know I’m sexy. I’m interesting and smart and kind. I just feel like they usually get aggressively pursued/get people who just go crazy over them and I just….don’t.

I just want to be wildly wanted by someone other than my wife. Sigh.

Dinner is a bbq brisket sandwich and some fries.

I enjoy a lot of pop culture that is, for some reason, still stereotyped as a boy's thing. I of course will eventually make friends that are men, sometimes they go "OMG A LADY WHO KNOWS ANIME THAT ISN'T JUST WHAT I THINK GIRLS WATCH?!" or some variant of. I also get the flavor of guys who pretend they don't care, and some genuinely don't care in the sense they just enjoy talking about the pop culture with someone. That's rare, but it happens. Anyway, I could go on, but here's my most recent problem. The title's kind of misleading, but I only had so much space.

I was talking to a guy in a video call who up until now, seemed to be one of those guys who just wanted to talk pop culture and didn't have some weird hang up about me being a woman. He never outright called me "one of the guys" but that's the only way I could think of describing it with the character limit. You know, we're just two friends talking pop culture. So we were having a discussion about a long lasting fictional character and their history, and the history of characters around them. We get to talking about a story from a while ago, and he makes some claims about the story that just aren't true. So, I just tell him that isn't true and wasn't how it happened. And he pauses, then tries to argue it was, and then I realized.

He hasn't actually read that story. I mean, it's fine, right? Trying to read everything is impossible, you're going to have blind spots. I wasn't rude in my tone, I didn't try to sound like I was pulling an "ACSHUALLY!" or whatever the hell he thought. He then just starts giving me this attitude, and gets even more argumentative. Then he makes a comment about me lying about knowing about the story. Which I ask, what the hell does he mean??? And then he drops the same old song and dance about women only liking pop culture as a lie, they don't actually like it, they like cosplaying and getting male attention, I'm just pretending and had my phone open to a wikipedia page on the story, etc. It was just devolving into idiotic rambling because he was clearly in his feelings that I knew more about a story than he did. But, here's the thing, I didn't have my phone on me at all. My phone was in the other room. I walked to my phone to prove it to him. I just let out a sigh and leave the video call.

A couple hours later he hits me with dms apologizing, saying he had lost control and didn't know what he was thinking or something really fucking stupid, I just kind of glazed it. It's just so tiring. I didn't get interested in these stories to try to appeal to men. Or games, or whatever. I'm just so tired of this, it feels like a cliche from like the 1980s and earlier. He's probably still dming me on the app we were using or whatever, but I really just don't care. I guess it's also relevant but he did try to present himself as a "man who cares about the plight of women" but clearly that was all lip service. Since, you know, the moment he felt truly challenged he just threw a tantrum.

Part of me feels like I should just tell him the problems with that mentality, another part of me tells me to block him. I'm really sorry for my rambling in my first post, I'm in a frustrated mood and just writing feelings as they come.

dinner was made by my best friend who also did my nails: enchiladas de pollo con salsa verde, ensalada al estilo elote, pico de gallo, and pickled onions (all made and pickled by HER!!)

also disclaimer, i live in spain and wedding rings are worn on the right hand not the left but i’m sorry it didn’t make it into the pic 😢

i (30sF from the USA) married my partner (30s, nonbinary, spanish) this past summer (yay!) and we got married at a courthouse and are planning a reception next year here in spain. and we’re not not inviting my parents… but instead, letting them use the excuse of travel being too much to save myself the disappointment of them just straight up saying no (not yay!). i originally wanted to plan something in the US, but it’s obviously not safe for us (though my parents don’t see why), so i’ve simply stopped talking about it and no one’s asked so 🤷🏻‍♀️ destination reception it is (except we both live here permanently now lol). i have other family who have expressed they do want to make the trip, and of course i have my in-laws and found family here, but it sure does leave a complicated hole in one’s heart.

i’ve found that putting literal and emotional distance between me and them has made our relationship easier to bear in some ways and harder in others. not feeling like i’m going literally insane in my own house is a huge plus for me, but i miss having my big crazy family around. i can’t even hop in the car and drive a couple hours to see them bc apparently i had to do it all the fucking way. i don’t regret it for a second and i’ve built a beautiful lil life for myself. but sometimes i wanna cry to my mom! and i can’t! because i don’t trust her to give me the support i need and not judge me! but i can’t just cut her off, because she’s my mom, right??? it feels like loving and hating someone at the same time. she’s not a monster, none of my family is, and i know i haven’t done or said everything right. but with these fundamental differences in world views… ugh.

i didn’t expect everything to get magically easier in my 30s but it feels like it just keeps getting harder. i’m trying to find joy in the day to day and enjoy being a brand new wife. guess i’m just gonna keep figuring it out :’)

For context, I come from a large family (6+ children). My parents got divorced when I was pre-teen age. My father was having an affair with a friend of my mother’s.

This shouldn’t effect me so much, but it’s the fact that I am now in my mid-30s and my father chalks up his shortcomings (not being very present or glossing over his impact on us) to being a stressed young father– as if my mother was not equally stressed.

Case in point, when discussing infidelity (a topic he brought up), my father told me I should not have an opinion because I have never been in love (ouch), however, my father does not ask me about my personal life, and also, that’s just rude af.

We had family photos this weekend, scheduled by my father, and he did not care to take a photo with him and his daughters. However, he asked the photographer for a photo with him and his sons.

It’s honestly just weird shit like that that adds up. I have never felt a priority to this man and I’ve spent many years on sidelines watching him prop up his “new” family.

My sister is trying to plan a 60th birthday for him (this will be an international trip) and when she asked me what dates I preferred, I told her I may not go because I don’t care that much. I think she got offended and I know my stepmom will be offended but I am exhausted by acting like my father and I are close. We are not. He is a nice guy, but he’s never been able to sit with himself to address his effect on me or my siblings and I am tired of showing up to be paid dust. It’s difficult to navigate this because I have so many other siblings and everyone has an opinion.

Posting here instead of a generic AIO or AITA sub bc this one seems a lot kinder and since I genuinely don’t know if I am being a dick, I need that rn lol.

So basically what the title says but let me give you some context. My bf is constantly hacking shit up from his lungs, idk how to describe it but it’s like a loud throat noise followed by him spitting whatever it is on the ground. He also blows shit out of his nose onto the ground. Both of these in public! Like parking lots and shit and it makes me cringe so hard every time I hear him doing it. I end up walking ahead of him because I’m so embarrassed. He also swears really loudly in public constantly, and don’t get me wrong, I also talk like a sailor but I stfu in public.

I cant tell if I’m being dramatic or if this is a legitimate thing to be embarrassed about. If I try to get him to not do it he gets irritated/ annoyed and snaps at me that it’s not a big deal and no one cares. But like, if I saw someone else doing it I’d think it’s gross so I assume other people feel the same way.

Dinner is fish n chips

ETA: okay first of all, thanks for validation. For those asking, yes I’m disgusted by it, public or private. Yes I’m embarrassed. Yes it makes me feel bad about myself. Yes I know no in forcing me to stay in the relationship but he lives with me and we’ve been together for 6 years and are codependent as fuck. No he did not do this when we started dating, this has only started in the last few months. There are A LOT of issues in the relationship and I’m just trying to work through the codependence and build my self esteem back up. It’s my house and i cant leave, so he has to. I am trying i stg but codependence is a bitch