FML
AIO for being embarrassed to be seen in public with my bf
Posting here instead of a generic AIO or AITA sub bc this one seems a lot kinder and since I genuinely donāt know if I am being a dick, I need that rn lol.
So basically what the title says but let me give you some context. My bf is constantly hacking shit up from his lungs, idk how to describe it but itās like a loud throat noise followed by him spitting whatever it is on the ground. He also blows shit out of his nose onto the ground. Both of these in public! Like parking lots and shit and it makes me cringe so hard every time I hear him doing it. I end up walking ahead of him because Iām so embarrassed. He also swears really loudly in public constantly, and donāt get me wrong, I also talk like a sailor but I stfu in public.
I cant tell if Iām being dramatic or if this is a legitimate thing to be embarrassed about. If I try to get him to not do it he gets irritated/ annoyed and snaps at me that itās not a big deal and no one cares. But like, if I saw someone else doing it Iād think itās gross so I assume other people feel the same way.
Dinner is fish n chips
ETA: okay first of all, thanks for validation. For those asking, yes Iām disgusted by it, public or private. Yes Iām embarrassed. Yes it makes me feel bad about myself. Yes I know no in forcing me to stay in the relationship but he lives with me and weāve been together for 6 years and are codependent as fuck. No he did not do this when we started dating, this has only started in the last few months. There are A LOT of issues in the relationship and Iām just trying to work through the codependence and build my self esteem back up. Itās my house and i cant leave, so he has to. I am trying i stg but codependence is a bitch
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If you feel like you've been together for too long to end it for such a "small" reason (although I'd say feeling basic respect, not disgust, for your partner would be important in a relationship), look up the "sunk cost fallacy" and remind yourself that, if this goes on, you're going to feel this, and worse, for the rest of your life...
I know all about the sunk cost fallacy. I absolutely think it plays a role. Mostly like, if Iāve stood by him through his worst and he gets better after we break up how is that fair? Rhetorical question and I know itās something I have to work out within myself but yeah
And if it never gets better? If you're staying then he will do what is most comfortable because he has no consequences to keep doing what he's doing. Sounds like you're staying. I suggest giving yourself a time limit.
It very clearly sounds like that is NOT all she needs to do. And she keeps saying that. Codependency is a bitch, because it entangles every aspect of your life. Unwinding that to be able to actually survive on your own can be daunting and scary and fucking HARD. The fact that she said she's not trying to stay in the comment you just replied to goes to show that leaving is just not as easy as "making the decision." Why do you think it takes women in abusive relationships so long or so many tries to leave? Or why the standard advice is to leave when you're safe. That doesn't just mean when he's not home and you can dip unnoticed. It also means that you have somewhere safe to be, and that same shit is true and can make leaving hard even when it's not an abusive relationship.
To wrap this all up, I get that you're trying to be supportive and encouraging, but it is so frustrating to watch someone not going through it say that making a life upending decision is just so easy and the only step that needs to be taken when they are clearly crying out specifically that they feel stuck beyond the fact that they've made the realization this isn't something they want to keep doing.
Ooh ooh! As me about this! I thought this might happen with a disgusting guy I dated. Guess what! He became more disgusting and also added on some new disgusting stuff. Youāre going to dodge a bullet. There is no reward to be reaped in the future. Sorry, OP.
Stop thinking that a man is going to approach a relationship with āfairnessā in mind. They approach it with testing to see how much they can take from you and how little they can give you in return. Accepting this behaviour pushes the bar lower and lower, and next step will be even worse. I bet if you look back heās been lowering expectations and convincing you that youāre overreacting for most of the relationship. He absolutely WILL act better for the next one, because thatās how they get you; theyāre all on their best behaviour until they think youāre too invested to leave.
I know and I agree, I was just trying to explain what my brain tries to tell me. Youāre spot on about him not doing this if he was trying to attract someone else considering he never used to do this shit in front of me.
So what? Maybe he gets better after you break up. Maybe not. But you'll get better after you break up. No more getting disgusted and embarrassed by his behaviour, at least. Some peace and quiet. Doesn't it sound nice. Learn to live and be happy for yourself. Ignore everyone else except when they actually matter to you.
What will get better? You break up with him and he stops being antisocial? He stops engaging in disgusting behavior?
AFTER you leave him?
That wonāt be getting better. It will be confirmation that he was capable of behaving like a decent member of society, and chose not to to do it when you repeatedly asked him.
The problem is that this behavior is both new and distresses you. He has literally changed the shape of your relationship very much for the worse and is daring you to do something about it.
If you love him you should want him to improve whether or not you benefit from it.
In the meantime you donāt need to be dragged down.
We all know slovenly men who are always proudly publicly belching, scratching their crotches and cracks, wafting a halo of body odor and smegma at all times, living in stained holey undershirts and pilled sweatpants, carrying untreated foot fungus and crusty scaly skin, grinning with unflossed teeth, living off ultraprocessed foods, rotting from untreated everything because they wonāt take themselves to the doctor, and still yells and expect you to do all the cleaningā¦ Do you want one of them in your house? For the rest of your life?
When I first met my now husband he threw a piece of gun wrapped on the ground and I made him turn around and pick it up and told him if he ever litters again I can't be with him. It's ok to expect your partner to have a certain level of social grace to walk beside you, and this man has none and I doubt he will change.
Dump him šššš itās not a trivial reason itās totally valid and for future reference you can break up with anyone for literally any reason even if heās the kindest and sweetest man in the world.
Looking at her edits, it seems like op is too attach to let go(6years).
So Iād suggest she start by detaching her self little by little. Eg moving away from him.
And remember, this is him ON HIS GOOD BEHAVIOR. It will only get worse, Queen, the longer yāall date. God forbid if you marry him youāll be cleaning loogies out of the sink and the trash can wondering how you got there while he complains that you wonāt have sex with him anymore.
It feels like way too many women need some big terrible reason to leave relationships. Like No?! You can leave for any reason! No matter how small or petty it seems!
Any reason is a reason to break up if it bothers you. The only codependency you have is emotional, no kids or anything. You can leave, and once you work through your self esteem struggles, find a guy who will respect public spaces, and you!
Yeah someone get that boy to a doctor, stat. And get him some pocket Kleenex or a good old fashioned handkerchief. He might not be able to control his sinuses but he can 100% choose to behave like a civilized adult.
And, Iād be curious if he got into some kind of weird manosphere / masculinity complex stuff - this seems just a stones throw away from thinking it should be okay for guys to pee publicly to mark their territory. Could be totally off base there but I just wonder if he had some kind of bizarre mindset shift.
Tell him itās over and he has to move out. Or marry him and live the rest of your life like this. Imagine walking down the aisle towards him as he stands there coughing and hacking and spitting.
That shudder and involuntary recoil you just did (and I know you did)? Thatās your body telling you enough is enough. Put on your big girl knickers and end it. Get a cat for company, if you feel you canāt live alone.
If he snaps at you when you try to do him a favor to teach him proper mannersā¦imagine how heād act when youāre trying to correct him or advise him on serious matters.
If he canāt be decent enough to not spit phlegm on the ground then heās disgusting imo
sometimes my throat gets phlegm all in it but ive never spit in sidewalks. the straight audacity to do so instead of in a washroom like nobody wants to walk in phlegm covered streets
Thatās what Iām saying! I would have to exit stage left because I get being sick and not having a good immune system, but thatās not your significant other ās problem thatās a you problem that needs to be solved stat!
I want to leave for you. You aren't crazy. It's disgusting and you don't deserve to be treated like that. He's making you feel as low as him because he knows he's disgusting and it'll be very difficult to find someone new.
my answer was gonna depend on whether or not youāve talked to him about it. sooā¦.
leave his ass. bc that is a way worse problem. normal people would feel absolutely mortified if they found out something they did grossed out or embarrassed their loved one. normal, caring people want their loved onesā feelings to be heard and valued.
Is he gaslighting about doing it in the first place?
He might not realize it. In that case, itās really simple. Carry a sharpie in your pocket. Every time he does the thing he says heās not doing, whip out that sharpie and put a little mark on his arm. At the end of the day, draw a box around the marks. The next day, start a new box.
Oh no he just insists no one cares. Idk if thatās gaslighting since itās subjective but he does gaslight me about other things in our relationship so it can sometimes be hard to tell if I have a legitimate concern or not
Girl, no YNTA. That's gross af. I've been with guys who do that and it seems to be a cultural thing. It's pretty normalized in certain areas but if he just started doing it, that's just weird. The gaslighting alone would be enough for me to run. Does he know it embarrasses you? If he doesn't care, that's another point for he's not the one.
It's entirely possible he went into things on his best behavior and didn't do any of that until he felt comfortable enough to do so. Kinda like how i avoided farting around my boyfriend for months, except worse lol
Oh this made me laugh because although my boyfriend and I have been together for a year, only this past week I finally felt comfortable enough to show a reaction to his farts instead of pretending I donāt smell a thing and him gleefully thinking to himself heās gotten away with it LOL.
Since weāre sharingā¦.lol. Iāve been with my husband for 12 years, including 2 colonoscopies (for him). I think Iāve heard him fart maybe twice? Like how?! I fart all the damn time.
My farts never stink but they sound like vine boom sound effect (with reverb). My boyfriend and family joke āoh itās gonna rain, I heard a thunder nearbyā when I fart
The best is when it happens in the shower and the wetness of the cheeks amplifies it. Because apparently I am a child one of my favorite things right now is farting so loudly my kid reacts with horror from the next room over š¤£
Stop it because the other day i let a nasty fart out in the shower and when i got out i ran over to my boyfriend and was like "i let out the biggest fart in the shower. Did you heart it!?" and he sighed the most depressing sigh before saying "yes, babe. I always hear it." š
My boyfriend is like that!!! He could eat his body weight in beans and at most he's letting out a tiny toot. I always tell him "you fart like how princess peach would fart" because his farts are the dantiest little farts i've ever heard in my entire life. They don't even sound like farts!!!
Meanwhile, i even think about beans and i'm about to fart so hard i knock a fence over š All my gas makes up for his lack of, i guess!!! My mom and dad, too. Like, my dad and boyfriend have bonded over the fact that they're both with gassy women. I can't lol
It's lowkey kinda cute but also so silly!!! Even moreso if you're having sex! Thinking back i'm like, i was letting this man put his whole face between my legs but i was too afraid to fart in the same room as him!?!?! š
I've been in your place, my ex would eat with his mouth open even in restaurants, despite years of me asking him not to.
I understand you are codependent, and again you and I are the same in that way. It took me FIFTEEN years to finally leave. And I can tell you that everyday I wish I did it sooner. So many years of my life gone, so much trauma from him. This sounds dramatic but please, I beg, don't be like me. Being a heavily codependent person you will likely only dig yourself into a deeper, more impossible feeling hole if you continue to stay, rather than detaching yourself like you think you may be. Pull the bandaid. It's your home, so it's not like you'll be left homeless. You will never feel ready, so you gotta just do it and ride the waves as they come.
Thank you for kind response. š You are absolutely correct. I am trying and have been looking into resources and possibly attending CODA. And youāre right, I wouldnāt be homeless. But my brain thinks Iāll be responsible if he is.
If he had never met you, how would he have survived? He would have figured something out.
He doesn't even care about YOU enough to stop being repulsive in public. How are YOU responsible for his upkeep, when he can't even be bothered about YOUR feelings & minor requests?
In my experience people that are so irately defiant about common courtesy are selfish and uncaring in most other aspects, too. If he simply didn't know what good manners are, he would be willing to learn and to change.
I would be very apprehensive of being exposed to infectious matter from that TB-ridden ghoul.
If he's so convinced "no one cares" about his disgusting habits, he can go live with THOSE people.
You do NOT owe him your soul and your future. Let him go find his spittle-mates elsewhere.
And honestly, youāve been so traumatized that you take emotional and physical responsibility for another adult, with a fully functional brain, capable of making their own informed decisions, willing to burn yourself to keep him warm. Ā
Literally, you have put yourself in a lose lose situation. Ā Either you let him go and risk him being homeless (again, why are YOU responsible for HIS life choices? Ā Who can you assign the responsibility for yourself then?!? Ā Why should you be responsible for you AND him? Ā Is he a child?!?!?) OR you keep him and lose yourself. Ā Ā
Look, as a fellow codependent Iāve had my share of lose lose situations. Ā Felt like poop on the bottom of a shoe was better than me sometimes. Ā But you know what? Ā I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED the difficult choices years later. Ā In the moment? Ā Yea, cause the guilt is likeā¦ gigantic. Ā But a few years down? Ā I was so goddamn PROUD I did that. Ā Couldnāt believe I, ME, did that. Ā So damn proud.
Itās gonna suck either way. Ā At least choose the one that sucks least long term. Ā
I'm recovering from an 8.5 year long relationship with a gross ass man who did this and so much worse. I always felt so guilty being icked out because I know he has some GI issues, but this comment section is honestly making me feel so validated that I don't have to settle for crumbs.
And btw I bet you got worse service in public for all his gross habits lol. I know I definitely did, but instead I thought everyone else was being too judgemental.
?? Have you talked to him about it? I'm always disgusted when people spit on the ground, ilke geez carry a pack of tissues with you, it can't be that hard. Tell him to stop these behaviors, and if they don't listen, yikes, manners are the bare minimum
Yeah, I have bronchiectasis (so I sometimes cough stuff up), but I carry tissues, take meds for it, and am very discrete. (I usually go into another room or private area if I'm gonna, like, really be coughing. I've gotten good at doing very small coughs and sneezes, into a tissue, and that's that.)
I do breathing exercises and am about to start on a new med. He should probably see a doctor, but also, yeah, that's a lot.
But it also says a lot about OP. There's too many questions, least of which is why they're staying with him if they can't stand to be in public with him.
If he's that wonderful, yet can't be spoken to about the behavior without aggression, why are they even staying? Love can cause us to overlook things we wouldn't, but he doesn't seem that charming if a conversation cannot be had.
But also OP seems to also have a dilemma in being one way in private and another in public. I'm not judging but they would seemingly benefit from figuring that part out as well.
So I added some context to the post. I never once said heās wonderful. Iām embarrassed and grossed out by this behavior in public OR private but didnāt really think how I feel about something he does in private was necessary to add.
How do you feel about this when he does it in private?
Honestly my dad is like this. Fucking gross. I HATED having to go out in public with him. Constantly spitting and doing snot rockets š¤®š¤®š¤® thank goodness that selfish POS didn't like me either and I rarely had to go anywhere with him. Honestly my blood is boiling right now that my mom had the audacity to reproduce with that guy and I had to live with him .
Let me tell you another thing about my dad, the disrespect for other people that it takes for you to put your hand up to your nose and shoot boogers out of your face in public ABSOLUTELY shows up many many many other areas of your behavior. This isn't growing up feral and not knowing better this is blatant disrespect for society. It's willful. And it will definitely turn in your direction one day.
That's... incredibly gross. Like, utterly vile. You have every reason to be put off by his behaviour.
The swearing thing, eh, but just coughing, spitting and sneezing straight onto the ground?? Break up with him before one of the many janitors who've planned hits on him take him out, that way you can probably avoid some heartbreak and being questioned by the cops. (/s in case it wasn't blindingly obvious)
This sounds disgusting and I donāt think I personally could handle it, but Iād probably press for a doctorās visit before breaking up. Iād have an open conversation about how this behaviour is affecting me. If he refuses to go to the doctor then you need to decide whether you can live with this forever.
Sounds like he does need to go to the doctor but I just have to say Iām so sick of men not taking care of themselves/getting medical care unless their female partner pushes them to
I totally get that. That kind of behavior is gross and would give me the ick. You could potentially gently bring up the behavior he can control and let him know it bothers you. However be aware that boogie boy might not react well. But if heās a good and mature guy heāll listen. Maybe heās just not even aware?
Does he smoke? Because this excess of lung mucus could be a medical problem like, COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). It doesn't absolve him of guilt for being gross af, but maybe it's a sign of some health problem because you said it started a few months ago.
You are not overreacting. There's no excuse for doing that in public and it makes me feel queasy just reading about it, never mind seeing it!Ā
The swearing would probably just elicit an eye-roll sort of reaction from me (depending on the environment) but the bodily fluid ejection is thoroughly grim. And really unhygienic.Ā
It happens because its tolerated and wholly unchecked. Its not your job to train him but you should absolutely tell him that his hygiene habits (because thats what those are) are bad. Tell him you deserve more, you cant continue like that, and its not cute. At that big age, its not cute. The swearing is something alot of people get in the habit, but also out of the habit, if doing. Tell him, check him. Let him know you're going to leave specifically because of those reasons.
Lastly, It's worth asking yourself if this is the kind of guy that you want to be with long-term. Why isnt this gross to him? What if you did it? Does he want future kids to be around that behavior? Also, like..is his family like that? Because if so, he won't ever fully change he'll do it temporarily to pacify you.
This isnt poor home training. If this man grew up in any version of a society he's absolutely been reprimanded more than once by unrelated adults. Spraying bodily fluids everywhere is universally unacceptable because it's unhygienic and spreads disease. Even without the science our instincts tell us this. This is willful anti-social behavior on his part. I'm not gonna pull out the overused therapy talk but this isn't a surface level issue about manners, this is a deep seeded emotional and personality problem.
Public disregard for common etiquette can be a subtle demonstration of social power, where an individual feels entitled to prioritize their comfort over public comfort. Or over yours.
Is it a lack of awareness? For some, a lack of social awareness or differing standards of personal hygiene drives the behavior, independent of any systemic intent. If you talked about it with them, then it might be closer to intentional disrespect. Are they weaponizing gross or aggressive public behaviors to intentionally make others uncomfortable, mock social norms, or assert hostility?
Maybe he should see a doctor or something?? Cause itās weird that he just started doing this a couple of months ago! But also girlā¦.hes doing too much and you donāt need that embarrassment around you
Assuming all these arenāt brand new behaviors, why have you stayed with him? Because I for one could not deal with any of that, if someone I was out with did that Iād just walk away and leave.
First time I heard that -hacking and spitting- was called āa Louisiana tissueā it gave me pause, but it was clarified by the commenter that is called that to let the hacker/spitter know that a tissue and a trash can is more appropriate in publicly used spaces.
Since then I cannot unhear it. When I see a man spitting snot and boogers and his saliva onto the public sidewalk where other people walk, it pisses me off.
Do that shit on property you paid for.
Do that shit somewhere you wonāt make other people sick, do that shit less fucking disrespectfully to the others around you.
Spitting like that is a filthy, germ spreading habit that is rude and pointedly disrespectful when itās meant AT you. (He looks at you, spits while holding eye contact, or he spits then looks back at you, in defiance of your dislike for the habit.)
This is a deal breaker for me.
Use tissues and wash your damn hands or fuck all the way off with that gagging, throat clearing, hacking and spitting.
Gross
Uhm what the actual fuck. I honestly shuttered reading this. No one is forcing you to stay with this weirdo. Get your dignity back and leave his nasty self.
https://giphy.com/gifs/fQJSYE2Qy6OtXfwEuf
Iām embarrassed for you š
You can leave him though, you know that right? If youāve tried talking to him about it, and he doesnāt care to change his behavior, you should leave him. This is a fundamental difference that I wouldnāt be able to get past and it sounds like you canāt either. Plus, once someone disgusts you like that itās nearly impossible to come back from.
Is he trying to get you to dump him? This is the kind of gross, disrespectful, out of pocket shit men do when they don't want you anymore but they want you to initiate the breakup
I understand how you are feeling regarding codependency. That was why I stayed in my marriage for probably a good 15 years too long.
In the end I still wasnāt able to make the decision to save myself from the misery that was my life. They did it for me by cheating and I feel so stupid that I didnāt leave years ago when I should have. You already have 6 years invested in something that doesnāt make you happyā¦ it doesnāt get any easier at 7+
I wish you so much happiness in your future once youāre able to finally detangle yourself. I finally feel free šļø
Seeing a man spit on the ground is the most foul thing to me. I wouldnāt be able to be with someone like that. So disrespect, trashy, no manners. Big no from me
If youāre embarrassed to be seen with him, how would this work? He stays at home when you want to do fun things and then you hang out at home when youāre done? Doesnāt sound like much of a relationship
but why does he have to do that all the time? is he a smoker/vaper? does he inhale toxins in the work place? are his allergies bad?
always being congested with excess mucus is not normal. yes he has no manners but he shouldnāt have to blow snot rockets and loogies all day, every day.
edit: OP added more info - itās a recent development. Has he been to the doctor? Did he start snorting drugs? Like something is up with his health.
??? so why are you with him? if youāre uncomfortable being out in public with him how long do you think this relationship can really last? how is he around your friends and family? and from his perspective, being with someone who is embarrassed by you sucks too. i think this behavior is pretty gross, not defending it, but just saying, if youāre embarrassed by him i donāt see how this relationship benefits either of you. of course he might be different in private with just you, but you just canāt hermit away inside with him forever. thatās not healthy or realistic for a relationship. you should be with someone that youāre ok doing things outside with, seriously
You're not overreacting at all. Two days ago I was walking the dog with my partner. As we were passing someone walking the other way, dude hacks up this nasty loogie and let it hang down to the ground. I threw up on sight and I'm gagging now describing it.
Spitting in public is a health hazard on multiple fronts
Re: your edit- I also managed to get out of a six year old co dependent relationship. It's not easy, and almost two years from breaking up, I still struggle with de centering him and his influence from my life. But trust me when I say: leaving will never be as hard as that feeling you get in the middle of the night, wondering if this is the life you're gonna live for the rest of your life. I cried myself to sleep so much at the end of those six years, wondering how to make things better for "us". With help, time, and a lot of support from my friends, I realized I could only make things better for _myself_, and that meant breaking up that relationship.
Don't settle. Life gets better when you start choosing yourself in moments like these š«
Hey girl, I totally get how you feel, but (and please tell me if Iām wrong/making assumptions) I kind of get the vibe that youāre looking for a reason to break up with him that you feel other people will find āacceptable.ā His sniffling and coughing could be due to health issues or something else, but if youāre not attracted to him in general, thereās no shame in being honest with yourself about that. Itās totally okay to break up with someone or find them unattractive even if your reasons donāt feel āacceptableā to other people. If youāre unhappy, staying in the relationship will only make both of you more miserable in the long run.
Again, Iām sorry if Iām misreading your post or making assumptionsš Hope everything works out for you
Staying with someone you are embarrassed of does kind of make you an asshole. Its gross what he is doing but you chose him. If you think he is gross, instead of just wanting to hide him away maybe rethink the relationship.
Time to get rid of him. Girl! Donāt put up with this grossness. If he was willing to correct this behavior it would be different but if he gets defensive then put him in the trash. https://giphy.com/gifs/QVP7DawXZitKYg3AX5
Yeah. This is pretty gross. No overreaction at all. I think itās not a good sign that he doesnāt have social awareness to other people around him. Couple into it that you canāt even bring it to his attention without him getting pissy? Not a good combination. How will or does he handle other issues you try to bring up?
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