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Stan hit the ground hard enough to knock the breath out of him, which was impressive considering breathing had become optional sometime around his death.
For a moment he didn't move. He lay facedown in soft, warm dirt with his arms sprawled beside him, waiting for whatever had just happened to finish happening. Nothing did. Instead, birds sang somewhere overhead, something small buzzed past his ear, and a warm breeze carried the smell of flowers and freshly turned soil across his face. After three days dominated by mildew, alleyways, blood, and one particularly dead vampire, Stan decided he was willing to consider the change an improvement.
He pushed himself onto his hands and knees and immediately forgot about the dirt.
Green stretched in every direction. Not ordinary green, either. This was insane green, the kind Stan had previously assumed only existed after somebody fucked with the saturation slider. Grass thick enough to sleep on covered a clearing surrounded by trees so enormous that several of their trunks looked wider than houses. Flowers the size of dinner plates swayed between them, their petals painted in colors Stan couldn't remember ever seeing in nature, while tiny creatures with far too many wings drifted lazily from blossom to blossom.
Stan climbed slowly to his feet and turned in a circle. A few seconds ago he'd been sitting against a cracked wall beside the remains of the vampire who had murdered him. Now there wasn't a house in sight. There wasn't a road, a power line, a building, or anything else that suggested civilization existed anywhere nearby. More importantly, he had absolutely no memory of traveling between the two places.
"What the fuck?"
He looked up, hoping for some clue as to where he'd ended up, and finally noticed the sunlight.
It covered everything.
Warm golden light poured through the canopy, spilling across the grass, the flowers, and Stan himself. His brain took perhaps half a second to recognize what that meant before three days of newly acquired survival instinct took over completely.
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck—
Stan threw both arms over his face and hurled himself backward, tripped over his own feet, and landed hard on his ass. He curled forward with his hands protecting his head and waited for the burning to start.
It didn't.
Stan remained exactly where he was. He knew what sunlight felt like now. He'd learned that particular lesson beneath an overpass, and there had been very little ambiguity involved. Sunlight burned. It burned immediately, and then apparently kept burning until either he got out of it or there was significantly less Stanley Hitchenson available to burn.
Yet several seconds had passed, and the only thing currently hurting was his ass.
Slowly, Stan lowered one arm.
Sunlight rested across the back of his hand.
He watched it suspiciously, waiting for smoke to curl from his skin. When that didn't happen, he turned his hand over and spread his fingers, letting the light fall across his palm. Still nothing. No smoke. No fire. None of the immediate sensation that every nerve in his body had been dipped in gasoline.
Stan looked from his hand to the brilliant sky overhead and then back again. Whatever the hell had happened to him, apparently the normal rules had not made the trip.
A smile crept across his face before he could stop it.
"Holy shit."
For the first time since he'd woken naked on a morgue table, something impossible had happened to Stan that wasn't immediately terrible.
Then a translucent golden rectangle appeared six inches from his face.
Stan screamed and threw himself backward.
By the time his brain caught up with his body, he'd put several feet between himself and what appeared to be a glowing window floating peacefully in the air. Stan stared at it from the grass, feeling considerably less brave now that he'd realized his terrifying new attacker was a rectangle.
"Okay."
The rectangle didn't respond.
Stan got cautiously to his feet and took a step backward. The window followed him, maintaining exactly the same distance from his face. He stopped and it stopped with him. When he shifted a few feet to the left, it drifted left as though attached to him by an invisible arm.
That was concerning.
Stan tried right. The window followed. He leaned sideways. So did the window.
Stan straightened and looked around the clearing. The enormous trees offered no commentary. The strange little winged creatures continued drifting between flowers. Nothing he could see suggested another human being was anywhere nearby.
Good.
He turned back toward the floating window and recovered what remained of his dignity.
"Nobody saw that."
Letters formed across the golden surface.
WELCOME, TRAVELER.
Stan waited for more, but apparently that was the entire greeting. He glanced around the clearing again, half expecting whoever had written it to emerge from behind one of the enormous trees. Nothing did. The dinner-plate flowers continued swaying in the breeze, tiny winged things fluttered through shafts of sunlight, and, most importantly, nothing appeared to be charging toward him with teeth, claws, or another tire iron. Considering the events of the last three days, a polite floating hallucination barely made his top ten concerns.
"Hi," Stan said.
The window offered no response, leaving him standing there feeling like an idiot for greeting a rectangle. "Do I... welcome you back, or—"
New letters appeared before he could finish.
YOU HAVE ENTERED THE GARDEN OF LIFE.
Stan read the message and looked again at the aggressively beautiful landscape surrounding him. The name certainly fit. Everything here seemed offensively alive. The grass was greener than grass had any business being, flowers crowded around every tree, birds sang somewhere overhead, and even the air smelled healthy.
That last observation became considerably less comforting when Stan remembered that he was, technically speaking, the exact opposite.
He looked down at himself, then back at the Garden. "Okay. Garden of Life. That's probably fine."
The golden window flickered.
ASSESSING NEW ARRIVAL...
Stan's tentative smile faded. There was something considerably less welcoming about assessing new arrival than welcome, traveler. He'd spent enough time around government paperwork to know that nothing good ever happened once somebody stopped greeting you and started assessing you.
"All right. Just so we're clear, I didn't come here on purpose."
The System ignored him.
RACE: HUMAN
"Oh, thank God." Stan hadn't realized how badly he needed one normal answer until he saw it. Human. Great. Perfect. Technically questionable at the moment, perhaps, but spiritually and historically accurate. He could work with human.
The words immediately disappeared.
CORRECTION.
"Oh, fuck you."
The new classification appeared before Stan could object.
RACE: UNKNOWN
"Unknown?" He stared at the word for several seconds, waiting for another correction that didn't come. "No, you had it. Go back."
The System remained stubbornly unchanged.
"I'm human." Stan pointed at himself as though visual evidence might help. "Look at me. Two arms, two legs, mostly all the original parts. Human."
Apparently the System remained unconvinced, because UNKNOWN stayed exactly where it was.
"Rude."
More information began filling the window.
LIFE STATE: DECEASED
BODY STATE: ACTIVE
SOUL STATE: PRESENT
LIFE AFFINITY: 0
Stan read the list twice before deciding there was no sensible place to begin. The soul part was encouraging. He hadn't devoted much thought to the metaphysical consequences of dying before this week, but if there was a box somewhere that needed to be checked beside SOUL PRESENT, he was glad his had apparently made the trip. The deceased part felt unnecessarily repetitive, while Body State: Active seemed like an extraordinarily clinical way of describing the fact that he was standing there arguing with a floating rectangle.
Then there was LIFE AFFINITY: 0.
"What the fuck does that mean? Is zero bad?"
The System offered no explanation, forcing Stan to rely on his own experience. There weren't many situations in which getting a zero had been followed by congratulations, so he was leaning toward bad.
Before he could ask another question, the entire window turned blood red.
"Oh, come on."
ERROR.
Stan grimaced. "Yep. There it is."
The explanation appeared beneath it.
UNDEAD LIFE IS NOT PERMITTED WITHIN THE GARDEN.
Stan read the message once, then again, just to make sure he hadn't misunderstood the wording. "Well, that's kind of a fucked-up way to welcome somebody."
Something moved beneath his boots.
He looked down and watched a thin ridge travel through the soil beside his foot. For an instant Stan assumed it was some kind of animal burrowing beneath the ground, right up until several more ridges appeared and began converging on the exact spot where he was standing.
Stan took one cautious step backward.
One of the ridges changed direction and followed him.
"Oh."
A root broke through the surface.
"Oh, fuck."
The reaction spread through the clearing almost immediately. Flowers nearest Stan folded their petals and physically turned away from him. The tiny winged creatures vanished into the trees, while the birds overhead fell silent so abruptly that the absence of their singing seemed louder than the singing itself had been. Branches creaked high above him as enormous trees shifted despite the gentle breeze, and Stan slowly turned in place as the beautiful Garden he'd arrived in less than five minutes ago became beautiful and extremely fucking pissed.
More roots pushed through the soil around his boots. One of them curled back on itself in a manner uncomfortably reminiscent of a snake preparing to strike.
Stan raised both hands. "Okay, everybody just calm the fuck down."
He paused after saying it and looked around. There was, as far as he could tell, nobody actually there to calm down. Still, the trees were moving, the flowers apparently hated him, and the ground seemed to be organizing some kind of coordinated response to his existence, so addressing the room felt reasonable.
"I was invited," he added.
The roots continued moving.
Stan frowned. "Actually, I don't know that. I might've been kidnapped. Does that help?"
It did not.
Another root slid across the dirt toward his boot, and Stan moved his foot before it reached him. "Also, I didn't choose to be undead, for the record. There was a whole thing. Guy bit me. Very nonconsensual."
The root followed his foot.
"Personal space."
The red window flickered.
CLASSIFICATION FAILURE.
Stan's attention snapped back to it. "What do you mean, classification failure? I'm standing right fucking here. Classify faster."
Several more roots surfaced in response, which he suspected was unrelated but still felt threatening enough that he pointed at the window.
"Preferably before whatever your landscaping department is doing gets ambitious."
The message changed.
PLEASE WAIT.
Stan stared at it, then looked down at the roots surrounding his boots. "Please wait?"
Another root emerged.
"You're trying to fucking compost me."
PLEASE WAIT.
"You don't get to say please wait while the forest is trying to murder me. That's not customer service."
The System remained unmoved by his complaint, and the Garden continued holding itself at the edge of violence. Stan could almost feel the place waiting for a decision, as though the System needed to determine whether he was a guest or something that required immediate removal with extreme botanical prejudice.
He eyed the nearest root and sighed. "You know, surprisingly, waiting to find out whether I'm dead has actually been the theme of my week."
The window flickered once, then again, and disappeared. At exactly the same moment every root surrounding Stan stopped moving.
Stan didn't.
He remained perfectly still with his hands raised, watching the nearest root for any indication that the Garden had reached a final decision. Several seconds passed without botanical murder, followed by several more, until Stan cautiously lowered his hands.
Nothing attacked him.
The flowers remained pointed away, which felt unnecessarily judgmental, but after nearly losing an argument with the local vegetation Stan wasn't inclined to push his luck.
"Fucking racist flowers."
A blossom beside him folded itself completely shut.
Stan stared at it. "Yeah, fuck you too."
A new golden window appeared directly in front of his face, and Stan jerked backward with one arm already coming up before he remembered that punching floating rectangles had not yet been established as useful. He recovered quickly—or at least quickly enough that he could pretend the movement had been intentional.
"Didn't scream that time."
The System apparently wasn't impressed.
IDENTITY VERIFICATION IN PROGRESS.
Stan relaxed slightly. Identity verification sounded safer. Names were good. Names were normal. More importantly, he actually had one, and there was absolutely no ambiguity whatsoever regarding what it was.
STANLEY HITCHENSON.
"Yes. Thank you." Relief washed through him with an intensity that was probably unreasonable for seeing his own name correctly spelled. "See? We found something we're both good at."
The window flickered.
Stan's smile disappeared.
ADDITIONAL DESIGNATION DETECTED.
A feeling of dread settled into his stomach.
There was absolutely no logical reason he should have known what was coming. The System hadn't said nickname. It hadn't mentioned the precinct, Sergeant Miller, Morrison, Reynolds, or any of the other assholes responsible for the worst linguistic crime of Stan's brief professional career.
Still, some deep and ancient part of Stanley Hitchenson's soul recognized impending bullshit when it saw it.
"No."
SEARCHING ASSOCIATED DESIGNATIONS...
"No, no, no. We don't need associated designations." Stan stepped closer to the window as if proximity might improve his negotiating position. "Stanley Hitchenson is perfect. That's the whole thing. First name, last name. We're done."
The System continued searching.
Fragments of text flashed across the golden surface too quickly for Stan to follow. Names appeared and vanished. Half-formed words blurred together with images or memories he couldn't quite identify, and the speed increased despite Stan repeatedly telling the thing to stop.
Then one phrase remained visible long enough for him to read it.
PUBLIC WORKS
Stan went completely still.
For a fraction of a second, the Garden disappeared.
He remembered rain hammering against his uniform. A pothole full of dirty water. Reynolds sitting comfortably inside a heated patrol car while Stan stood outside getting soaked, followed by the bastard lifting his phone to take a picture.
Then the message Reynolds had sent around the precinct.
THE THIN BLUE LINE.
The memory struck so unexpectedly that Stan forgot about the System entirely. Reynolds had been alive then. Laughing. Giving him shit. Less than two days later Stan had watched him die on the floor of an abandoned house.
Then PUBLIC WORKS vanished.
Stan stared at the empty space where it had been, grief giving way almost immediately to suspicion.
"You motherfucker."
The golden window shimmered.
"No." Stan pointed at it. "Whatever you're about to do, don't."
Letters began forming anyway.
"Don't you fucking dare."
WELCOME TO THE GARDEN,
STANLEY BITCHENSTIN.
Stan stared at the message.
For several seconds his mind simply refused to participate. Somewhere around Bitchenstin, every functioning thought appeared to have packed its belongings and quietly left the premises.
Finally he found one.
"No."
The message remained.
Stan stepped closer, as though perhaps the spelling would improve with proximity. It didn't.
"No. My name is Hitchenson."
The response was immediate.
DESIGNATION CONFIRMED.
"No, it fucking isn't."
DESIGNATION CONFIRMED.
"Stop confirming it!"
The golden letters shimmered but otherwise remained exactly the same, which somehow made Stan angrier than if the thing had argued back.
"I want to be extremely fucking clear about this. Bitchenstin is not my name. It has never been my name. Nobody has ever legally named a human being Bitchenstin. It is a stupid fucking nickname invented by assholes because I made one comment about wanting a cool nickname."
The window shimmered again.
Stan narrowed his eyes. "Don't."
DESIGNATION CONFIRMED.
Stan's mouth fell open. For a moment he could only stare at the System in genuine disbelief before looking around the Garden as though there might be someone else available to resolve the problem.
"Who do I talk to about this? Is there an appeal? A form? A supervisor? Human resources?"
The Garden offered nothing. Even the flowers remained pointed away from him.
"Of course there's no fucking human resources," Stan muttered. "Apparently I'm not even human."
He turned back toward the window, where the offending designation remained prominently displayed.
STANLEY BITCHENSTIN.
Stan rubbed both hands over his face. He had been murdered, awakened in a morgue, discovered he was a vampire, spent three days fighting the urge to eat people, burned himself in sunlight, investigated his own homicide, beaten his murderer to death with a tire iron, been abducted by an unknown cosmic entity, dropped into another world, and nearly murdered by hostile landscaping.
Somehow, this was the first thing that felt genuinely unacceptable.
He lowered his hands and glared at the golden letters.
"No. No, absolutely fucking not."
Somewhere beyond the Garden, something ancient laughed.
Stan heard it. At least, he thought he heard it. The sound was so distant and enormous that it might have been thunder, except the sky remained perfectly blue and the laughter seemed to come from everywhere at once. It rolled through the clearing for perhaps half a second before fading into the trees.
Stan slowly looked upward. "Was that you?"
The Garden did not answer. He looked back at the golden window, which still displayed STANLEY BITCHENSTIN with all the confidence of a government agency that had misspelled his name and would now require six forms and a court order to fix it.
"I fucking hate all of you."
The window vanished.
Stan blinked. "Oh. Okay. Good."
Another appeared almost immediately.
"Goddammit."
BEGINNING CLASS ASSIGNMENT.
Stan stared at the words. Class assignment. That was new, although everything about the last ten minutes had been new. He'd been dragged through whatever existed between realities, dropped into a magical forest that apparently considered him an invasive species, interrogated by a floating rectangle, and officially registered under a nickname he'd spent four days unsuccessfully trying to kill. At this point, class assignment barely registered as strange.
More importantly, it sounded suspiciously familiar. Stan had played video games. Not obsessively. He'd never spent twelve consecutive hours raiding anything, and he'd never owned a chair that cost more than his television, but he'd played enough to understand what class meant when it appeared in a glowing window floating in front of his face.
He leaned closer. "Okay. This I understand."
The System began working.
ANALYZING SOUL...
ANALYZING BODY...
ANALYZING PRIOR EXPERIENCE...
ANALYZING AFFINITIES...
"You know, I've already had a pretty invasive medical examination this week, so if we could keep the soul probing above the waist, I'd appreciate it."
The messages kept cycling.
And cycling.
Stan shifted his weight, increasingly impatient, bored, and thoroughly confused about how his week had somehow led to standing in a magical forest waiting for a floating rectangle to finish analyzing his soul. He glanced at the motionless roots surrounding his boots, then at the flowers that were still pointedly refusing to face him.
"Anytime now," he muttered.
The System continued analyzing.
Stan sighed. "Police officer. That's what I was. Or my class. Occupation. Whatever you're looking for." He pointed at himself. "I already did the training and everything."
Technically.
The cycling stopped. Apparently that had gotten its attention.
PRIOR OCCUPATION DETECTED: POLICE OFFICER.
Stan brightened. "There you go."
A second line appeared.
EXPERIENCE: 4 DAYS.
His expression fell. "Four and a half."
INSUFFICIENT.
"Fuck you, I graduated."
The System ignored the objection.
EVALUATING STANDARD CLASSES...
Stan folded his arms. "Fine. Whatever. What've you got?"
The first option appeared.
FIGHTER
"Okay. Fighter. Sure." It wasn't glamorous, but it made sense. He had fought someone. Granted, that someone had murdered him first, and Stan's eventual victory had relied heavily upon surprise, desperation, and a piece of automotive equipment, but nobody needed to know the details.
Unfortunately, the System apparently knew the details.
COMPATIBILITY REVIEW...
REJECTED.
Stan frowned. "Why?"
CANDIDATE IS DEAD.
He waited for the rest of the explanation, but apparently that was all he was getting. Stan looked down at himself and then back at the message. "Dead people can't fight? Because I feel like I have some extremely recent evidence to the contrary."
The System moved on without acknowledging the objection.
PALADIN
That caught his interest. "Oh, shit. Really?"
Armor. Sword. Holy powers. Stan wasn't entirely sure what the job description involved beyond hitting evil things while glowing, but after the week he'd had, he was willing to hear the pitch.
COMPATIBILITY REVIEW...
REJECTED.
DIVINE SPONSORSHIP NOT FOUND.
Stan looked up at the cloudless sky. He considered arguing, but after dying, becoming a vampire, and being abducted by something that definitely wasn't standard meteorology, his relationship with the divine was currently complicated enough.
"That's fair."
RANGER
Stan shrugged. "I can work with ranger."
REJECTED.
LOCAL WILDLIFE IDENTIFIES CANDIDATE AS INVASIVE SPECIES.
Stan stared at the explanation before very slowly turning toward the nearest flower. The flower turned away from him.
"You motherfuckers are voting?"
The flower folded two petals inward.
"Fine. Ranger sucks anyway."
The next option appeared.
DRUID
REJECTED.
REASON: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Stan actually recoiled. "Okay, that one felt personal."
A nearby branch creaked, and Stan pointed at it. "Stay out of this."
VAMPIRE
That stopped him. Of all the possibilities, this one seemed difficult to argue with. "Huh. Yeah. I mean, apparently."
For the first time since the process began, he found himself genuinely curious. He still didn't know what being a vampire actually meant beyond the obvious parts: strength, healing, fangs, blood, and sunlight normally trying to kill him. There could be more. There almost certainly was more.
REJECTED.
VAMPIRE IS A SPECIES CONDITION, NOT A CLASS.
Stan considered that for a moment before nodding. "Actually, yeah. That makes sense."
At least one department around here had coherent filing standards.
The System worked through several more possibilities in rapid succession.
NECROMANCER
REJECTED: NO NECROMANTIC ABILITY DETECTED.
"Yep."
BLOOD MAGE
REJECTED: NO MAGICAL ABILITY DETECTED.
"That sounds unnecessarily judgmental."
Then:
ASSASSIN
REJECTED.
ONLY CONFIRMED KILL WAS PERFORMED WITH A TIRE IRON.
Stan stared at the message, deeply offended by what he perceived as an unnecessary editorial comment. "It worked."
The System paused.
NOTED.
Stan squinted at it. "Was that sarcasm?"
No response.
"Can you be sarcastic?"
The System moved on, which somehow made the question more concerning.
The next message took longer to appear.
STANDARD CLASS SEARCH FAILED.
Stan's confidence slipped. "Failed?"
EXPANDING SEARCH PARAMETERS.
"Okay..."
The System began listing what it intended to search.
INCLUDING OBSOLETE CLASSES.
INCLUDING RESTRICTED CLASSES.
INCLUDING DEPRECATED CLASSES.
INCLUDING INCOMPLETE CLASSES.
INCLUDING THEORETICAL CLASSES.
INCLUDING ADMINISTRATIVE EXCEPTIONS.
Stan's concern increased with every line. "How obsolete? Why are they restricted? Deprecated doesn't sound good." He stepped closer when incomplete appeared. "Wait, incomplete?" Then came theoretical, followed by administrative exceptions, and whatever brief excitement he'd felt at understanding the concept of classes evaporated completely.
"Okay, no. Stop. I don't want an administrative exception. Go back to Fighter." The System continued searching. "Paladin. I'll find a god. There has to be one around here somewhere. An ethically sourced god. Whatever the requirements are."
Nothing happened.
Stan rubbed a hand across his face. He'd assumed this would work like a game: pick something cool, receive abilities, figure out how to use them without accidentally setting himself on fire. Instead, he appeared to be watching reality search the junk drawer.
Finally, the window chimed.
POTENTIAL CLASS IDENTIFIED.
Stan lowered his hand. "Okay."
GARDEN VARMINT
COMPATIBILITY: 81%
He stared at the title.
"No."
The System apparently interpreted his objection as a request for additional information.
CLASS DESCRIPTION:
An invasive organism displaying unusual resistance to removal. Garden Varmints specialize in survival, consumption, rapid escape, and continued existence despite environmental opposition.
Stan read the description with mounting disbelief. "You made me a fucking raccoon."
The System waited.
"I'm not a fucking raccoon."
REJECT CLASS?
"Yes."
GARDEN VARMINT REJECTED BY CANDIDATE.
"Jesus Christ."
Stan paced several steps away before remembering the roots and immediately pacing back. "Can we establish some standards here? Something with dignity. Fighter. Knight. Cop. Vampire cop. I don't know. Just not something people try to get out of their attic."
Another chime interrupted him.
POTENTIAL CLASS IDENTIFIED.
Stan braced himself.
ETHICAL VAMPIRE
COMPATIBILITY: 86%
"That's a class?" His skepticism weakened despite himself. "Okay. What's it do?"
CLASS DESCRIPTION:
A predatory undead specialization centered upon restraint, consensual feeding, protection of living populations, and being extremely annoying to other vampires.
Stan read the description twice.
"Huh."
That was actually pretty accurate. Uncomfortably accurate. The predatory part bothered him, but everything after it sounded considerably better. Restraint. Protection. Not eating people who didn't want to be eaten. Being extremely annoying to other vampires.
He'd already beaten one to death with a tire iron, so apparently he had natural talent for the last one.
"Honestly, put a pin in that one."
CLASS CANNOT BE PINNED.
Stan closed his eyes. "Metaphorically."
There was a pause.
METAPHORICAL PIN APPLIED.
Stan opened his eyes and stared at the message. "You're fucking with me."
The System continued searching.
"You are. You absolutely are."
Then another option appeared.
DEPUTY OF THE NATURAL ORDER
COMPATIBILITY: 92%
Stan stopped complaining.
"Deputy?"
That was the highest compatibility yet, and more importantly, Deputy of the Natural Order sounded considerably better than Garden Varmint. He stepped closer to the window. "Description."
CLASS DESCRIPTION:
An appointed agent charged with identifying, pursuing, and correcting violations of the natural order.
Something inside Stan clicked.
"That's basically a cop."
CORRECT.
Stan brightened. "And I'm already dead."
CORRECT.
"So I've personally experienced a violation of the natural order."
CORRECT.
"Which gives me relevant field experience."
DEBATABLE.
Stan ignored that. "And I killed the guy responsible."
CORRECT.
"So I'm qualified."
INCORRECT.
His momentum hit a wall.
"What?"
APPOINTMENT REQUIRED.
Stan frowned. "By who?"
THE NATURAL ORDER.
He glanced around the clearing. "Okay. Where is he?"
No response.
"She? It?"
THE NATURAL ORDER IS NOT A PERSON.
"Great. Can I apply?"
NO.
Stan stared at the window. "Can I get appointed?"
UNKNOWN.
"Can you appoint me?"
NO.
"Then why the fuck did you show it to me?"
COMPATIBILITY IS NOT ELIGIBILITY.
Stan's mouth opened, closed, then opened again. "That's the stupidest fucking thing you've said so far, and you tried to make me a raccoon."
The System did not defend itself. Instead, the class disappeared.
"Wait, don't—"
Too late.
Stan stared at the empty space where DEPUTY OF THE NATURAL ORDER had been. "I liked that one."
The System chimed.
CANDIDATE DOES NOT SATISFY MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS FOR ANY CURRENTLY RECOGNIZED CLASS.
CANDIDATE POSSESSES MULTIPLE CONTRADICTORY STATES.
Stan's frustration finally overtook his curiosity. "Okay, whose fault is that?"
The answer came in the form of a list.
DEAD.
ACTIVE.
SOUL PRESENT.
UNDEAD.
MORAL COHERENCE: ACCEPTABLE.
VIOLENT CAPABILITY: LOW.
MAGICAL CAPABILITY: NONE.
AUTHORITY: NONE.
Stan read downward, becoming progressively more offended.
"Acceptable?" Somehow that bothered him first. "What does acceptable mean? I'm a good person. I haven't eaten anybody, and I could have. Multiple times."
The System did not revise its assessment.
Stan pointed at MORAL COHERENCE: ACCEPTABLE. "That should at least be good."
No change.
"Asshole."
His attention moved lower.
VIOLENT CAPABILITY: LOW.
"Oh, fuck off. I killed a vampire."
WITH A TIRE IRON.
"It still counts!"
The System remained silent, so Stan moved reluctantly to the next insult.
MAGICAL CAPABILITY: NONE.
"Yet."
UNFOUNDED OPTIMISM DETECTED.
Stan stared at the words. "Seriously?"
Then his eyes reached the final line.
AUTHORITY: NONE.
"I was a cop."
FOR FOUR DAYS.
"Four and a half!"
The window flickered and then stopped.
Stan waited for the next insult, but nothing appeared. Several seconds passed before he waved a hand through the golden light. His fingers passed through without resistance.
"Hello? Did I break you?"
No response.
His irritation began giving way to concern. "Are you broken?"
NO.
"Because this feels like you're broken."
SYSTEM IS FUNCTIONING WITHIN ACCEPTABLE PARAMETERS.
Stan looked pointedly at the word acceptable. "Apparently we have very different definitions of that word."
Then the golden light drained from the window.
Stan stepped back.
For the first time, the interface turned gray. Not red like an error and not gold like everything else. Just dull, bureaucratic gray, which somehow felt considerably more ominous.
"Oh, what the fuck does gray mean?"
ADMINISTRATIVE CLASSIFICATION REQUIRED.
Stan hesitated. "That sounds promising."
IT IS NOT.
"You know, you could've just let me have that for a second."
More text appeared.
CREATING TEMPORARY CLASSIFICATION FROM AVAILABLE COMPATIBILITY DATA.
Stan stared at the word creating. "Creating?"
YES.
"You can just make classes?"
UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES.
He looked around at the hostile Garden, then down at himself, then back at the gray window. "What circumstances?"
THIS ONE.
"That's not an answer."
The window began flickering rapidly. Symbols Stan didn't recognize streamed across its surface, and for the first time the System seemed less like a menu and more like something actively working, trying to assemble pieces that weren't supposed to fit together. Gold bled through the gray, disappeared, then returned, and for a moment Stan thought he saw ERROR flash behind everything else.
Then the window chimed.
UNIQUE CLASS CREATED.
Stan's irritation vanished. "Unique?"
That sounded better. Actually, that sounded fucking awesome.
He straightened. "Okay. See? Now we're getting somewhere."
The gray faded back into gold.
A title appeared.
[DEADBEAT]
COMPATIBILITY: 98%
Stan's excitement died.
"No."
He stepped closer as though another angle might reveal that he'd misread it.
"Absolutely not. Go back to Ethical Vampire."
UNAVAILABLE.
"What happened to the metaphorical pin?"
METAPHORICAL PINS HAVE NO SYSTEM FUNCTION.
Stan stood there in stunned silence for a moment. "You lying piece of shit."
The class expanded.
[DEADBEAT]
Classification: Unique / Evolving
Known Members: 1
Instructor: None
System Support: Limited
Expected Survival: Statistically Negligible
Stan's eyes traveled down the list, each line somehow making the previous one worse. "Statistically negligible?"
YES.
"How negligible?"
VERY.
Stan nodded slowly. "Great. Fantastic. Love the transparency."
He read the title again. Deadbeat. It wasn't even clever. He was dead, apparently he was difficult to classify, and somehow the universe had arrived at the same insult a disappointed father might use when discussing his unemployed son.
"What does it actually do?"
The System produced a description.
CLASS DESCRIPTION:
You died.
You got back up.
You have subsequently refused to behave appropriately for either condition.
Stan started to object to the second line—technically somebody else had been responsible for the getting-back-up part—but the final sentence stopped him.
For once, he didn't have an immediate response.
He read the description again. You died. You got back up. You refused to behave appropriately for either condition.
The irritation remained, mostly because Deadbeat was still a bullshit name, but something shifted underneath it. He thought about the morgue. The hunger. The man beneath the overpass. The woman walking alone at night. The blood in the refrigerator. Reynolds lying dead in that house. His maker telling him what he was supposed to become.
Predator.
Monster.
Vampire.
His own body had spent three days telling him what he was supposed to do, and Stan had spent three days refusing.
He looked back at the description. "Okay," he admitted reluctantly. "That's... annoyingly accurate."
The System expanded again.
PRIMARY ATTRIBUTES:
Vitality
Will
Hunger
Stan's gaze lingered on the last one. "Hunger isn't an attribute."
The System disagreed by doing absolutely nothing.
"Of course it fucking is."
Another section appeared.
DORMANT AFFINITIES DETECTED:
Death
Stan nodded. "Obviously."
A second word began forming beneath it.
Life
The System froze.
Stan frowned as the word disappeared, then reappeared.
Life
It vanished again.
The golden window flashed red.
ERROR.
ERROR.
ERROR.
The flowers around Stan trembled and roots shifted beneath the soil. He immediately raised his hands. "I didn't do anything."
UNDEAD CREATURES CANNOT POSSESS LIFE AFFINITY.
Stan looked at the message, then at himself, then around at the Garden. "I didn't give it to me."
CORRECT.
"Then we're good?"
NO.
Stan sighed. "Of course not."
The red faded slowly back to gold, although the word Life did not return. Stan noticed that. He also noticed that the System hadn't replaced it with anything else.
Whatever had happened, it had seen something it didn't like.
For the first time since the class assignment began, curiosity outweighed annoyance. "What was that? Why did it say Life? Do I have it?"
The System remained silent.
Stan leaned toward the window. "Can dead people have Life affinity?"
NO.
He waited. "Do I?"
The window flickered.
No answer came.
Stan narrowed his eyes. "That's interesting."
The System immediately changed subjects.
CLASS PROGRESSION:
Stan almost laughed. "Oh, we're just moving on? Cool. Not suspicious at all."
[DEADBEAT] HAS NO ESTABLISHED PROGRESSION PATH.
CLASS DEVELOPMENT WILL BE DETERMINED BY CANDIDATE BEHAVIOR, ACQUIRED AFFINITIES, ENVIRONMENTAL INTERACTION, AND SURVIVAL.
Stan read the explanation slowly. "So you don't know what this class does."
CORRECT.
"You don't know what abilities I'll get."
CORRECT.
"You don't know what happens when I level."
CORRECT.
Stan stared at the window. "You don't actually know if it works."
There was a slightly longer pause.
CORRECT.
"And according to you, my expected survival is statistically negligible."
CORRECT.
"You think I'm probably going to die."
YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD.
Stan pointed at the window. "Don't get cute."
The System chimed.
CLASS SELECTION REQUIRED.
Two options appeared.
ACCEPT [DEADBEAT]
DECLINE [DEADBEAT]
Stan stared at them. "What's behind decline?"
CLASS ASSIGNMENT WILL TERMINATE.
YOU WILL REMAIN UNCLASSED.
"Can I get a class later?"
UNKNOWN.
Stan rubbed his jaw. "Does having a class make the Garden less likely to kill me?"
The System paused.
POSSIBLY.
Stan looked around at the flowers that still hated him, the suspicious trees, and the unknown quantity of roots beneath his boots that had already demonstrated both mobility and hostility.
"That's a strong argument."
He turned his attention back to the choices.
Ethical Vampire had sounded reasonable. Deputy of the Natural Order had sounded better. That one had actually felt right, at least until the Natural Order refused to accept applications.
Deadbeat sounded like something Sergeant Miller would put on a cake.
Less than a week ago Stan's biggest professional problem had been trying to convince a police precinct that Stan the Man was a perfectly respectable nickname. Since then he'd died twice if he counted the technicalities correctly, become a vampire, killed another vampire, been abducted across dimensions, been rejected by local plant life, and discovered that reality itself apparently operated according to a class system that considered him an administrative problem.
Now it wanted him to choose between being nothing and becoming the first-ever member of a class nobody understood.
Stan stared at [DEADBEAT]. The name was terrible. The survival rate was worse. There was no instructor, no established progression path, barely any System support, and one of his affinities had apparently caused the laws of the universe to suffer some kind of bureaucratic seizure.
On the other hand, the description had been right about one thing.
He'd died. He'd gotten back up.
And so far, refusing to behave the way everyone expected was about the only thing he'd been consistently good at.
Stan sighed. "Fuck it."
He touched ACCEPT.
The clearing went silent.
Not quiet. Silent.
The breeze stopped and the leaves froze. Every insect, bird, and tiny winged creature seemed to disappear from the world at once, and Stan felt something settle over him—not weight exactly, but recognition. For one strange moment he had the sensation that the Garden itself was looking directly at him.
Then the System chimed.
UNIQUE CLASS ACCEPTED.
The next lines appeared with considerably more ceremony than Stan felt the situation deserved.
STANLEY BITCHENSTIN
LEVEL 1 [DEADBEAT]
Stan closed his eyes. "Hitchenson."
DESIGNATION ALREADY CONFIRMED.
"I hate this place."
Something moved beneath his feet.
Stan opened his eyes as every root in the clearing shifted at once.
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
The Garden came alive around him. Roots rolled beneath the grass in every direction, branches bent overhead, and flowers snapped open as though responding to some invisible command. Stan turned slowly, searching for somewhere safe to stand, and discovered that the answer appeared to be nowhere.
A final golden notification materialized in front of him.
CLASS TUTORIAL AVAILABLE.
Stan looked from the message to the forest waking up around him. For once, he didn't need clarification.
"Yes."
BEGIN TUTORIAL?
A root thicker than his leg punched through the ground twenty feet away.
"YES."
The System chimed pleasantly as roots erupted throughout the clearing.
TUTORIAL OBJECTIVE:
SURVIVE.