I’m in my mid-20s and started a new job about 2 months ago. I only have to be in the office 3 days a week, but lately the social part of work has been making me extremely anxious and honestly really sad.
My actual work team is based in another country, so I don’t have my own team physically with me. Most people in my part of the office are men, while in the other part there’s an already established group of women who are around 10+ years older than me and work together. I’ve asked two of them separately to go on a break before, but both couldn’t.
I do have one female coworker I became really close with, and we normally spend our breaks together. The problem is that lately she has been choosing different office days from me. She knows I always come Monday–Wednesday, but she has mostly been coming later in the week instead. I don’t know her actual reason, but because I’ve put a lot of effort into our friendship, it makes me feel rejected and I keep wondering if she’s intentionally avoiding being there with me.
When she isn’t there, I’m usually alone during my 1-hour break. What makes me most anxious isn’t even being alone — it’s being seen alone. I keep worrying that my coworkers will notice that nobody invites me for coffee and think I’m unlikeable, lonely or that I have no friends.
We also recently got a new female coworker who sits near the other women, and now I’m already anxious that they’ll all become close with her while I’m still on the outside. I know I can’t control who becomes friends with whom, but emotionally it’s making me really sad.
I live very close to work, so I’m thinking of just going back to my apartment during my three weekly 1-hour breaks. That way I’m not sitting around hoping someone invites me somewhere. But I also worry that I’m avoiding the problem.
The anxiety has gotten to the point where I’m thinking about future jobs too and worrying that I’ll always struggle socially at work. I know I’m probably making this much bigger in my head, but knowing that doesn’t make the anxiety disappear.
Has anyone with social anxiety experienced something similar? How did you stop caring so much about being seen alone or feeling like everyone else had their group except you?

I'm a 24 year old dude. My teenage years were spent on the internet as much as the next guy, which included drooling over porn, hentai, cosplay models, etc...

Fast forwards to now, I'm in a relationship but I still can't leave that life behind. I deleted my Insta but I still google my favorite cosplayers and e-girls to see how they are doing and to bask in their beauty. At this point is a compulsive behaviour that I do when I crave that sweet dopamine. Even when I have stuff to do I find myself procastinating with this.

When I'm with my gf once again (we each work during the day and see eachother at night), the realization dawns on me and I feel so guilty, like I just cheated on her. Sometimes I masturbate to this content, which makes matters worse. I know that these girls are models, use lots of makeup and filters, etc. But I just can't stop comparing my gf beauty to theirs, which makes me feel like shit.

Of course my partner doesn't know anything about this. She would get jealous and probably quite disgusted. I don't know how to control this thoughts and behaviour.

Pls help :(

Edit: I'm currently going to therapy. 3 or so weeks. I'm not sure how to bring this up to my therapist without sounding like a pervert.

Hello guys 33 year old male here,who was a heavy porn user/ addict from his mid teens so thats around 15 years of pornography, i thought i will be a porn addict forever and die l a porn addict but somehow ive been porn free for almost a year and a half now, i wish it was easy it is really hard and painful i cry every time when i remember the shameful awful dark videos and fantasies the shame kills me, i even let a femboy stick his penis in my mouth because i thought it will feel as good as the porn videos i watch, then i was like wtf is this it feels wrong and not arousing like porn then i pushed him away idk when will the tears or grief stop, idk if my wife who i have been faithful to would still love me if she knew what my life looked like before becoming the father of her children,idk if one day i will look at myself as a man with honor instead of an ex porn addict with an infinite amount of shame, i know the man i am today is a lot better but still the past hurts so much,guys please don’t let porn ruin ur life someday u will wake up with a lot of pain,shame and regret, the earlier u quit the better ur life will be.

I'm currently in web development making much less after a layoff about a year ago. My current job has me stressed about acute workload, bad people, long term success, and mission (we bow to advertisers and "content", including local tragedies). Leadership is hypocritical and catty at best, narcissistic and malicious at worst. I've lost both my faith and interest in the field as a whole, even before my layoff. I constantly think about how I can leave without damaging my finances and career, though this has become extremely ruminative and stressful, being the first and last things I think about every day.

Lately, I've fixated on civil engineering as a career option. It uses some of my skills, the work is meaningful, there is currently more job security, and it aligns with things I've come to learn about myself (I enjoy teaching, helping others, solving meaningful problems, and mastery of a craft/skill). That said, sacrificing decent income and benefits to earn a difficult bachelor's has me very nervous. I fear failure and uncertainty, especially as I was never great at math. After my layoff, I also fear job stability, and I worry that my chief motivation is addressing that fear versus following my strengths/priorities.

I feel justified in my fears here but the constant stress and rumination are nearly debilitating. I'm not sure if this is a clear sign to change paths or if I'm just really afraid of uncertainty now that I'm nearing the edge.

How the hell do I manage this mentally?

Thanks for reading!

Iam not very good at English so I would appreciate if u guys took that into account while reading this

So a year ago I had a very bad break up and after that idk what it is I am struggling to go about my life it's not that I haven't moved on from her it's that we broke up during my supplymentary exams i had 25 backlogs but I cleared 15 on the second last sem and 5 on the last sem while getting good sgpa on the last 2 sems. so the breakup happened right after our uni ended so regular exams was over but I had 5 more supplymentary exams to go but I couldnt focus or sit and study I used to be able to focus for atleast sometimes but I just couldn't i didn't know for what I was doing this but my parents and friends helped me get through moving on from her but after that I just couldn't concentrate to study I had 2 extra chances after failing but I would listen to yt videos open a pdf to study but my mind wouldn't be able to study but I managed to pass 2 i still have 3 left . During the supplementary time I decided to join a course for my field thinking I don know what I like but I might like it if I study the course for sometime but turns out I don like it and I don know what I like or what I want to do all i do is overthink soo many scenarios in mind to the point I couldn't sleep then I went to the dr and found out my d3 was low and took medication and I felt better for sometime then things went back to normal . I have 2 projects to finish on my course but I can't sit and do it I feel like iam just a burden to my parents they don't care me failing but still ik they want me to do better but I just can't concentrate or do anything I feel like a failure if u guys know what I should do pls let me know . Also I went to a therapist after my breakup but it wasn't that deep cuz I had gastric issues and he told me it might be because of all the things that happened during my clg that's about it should I seek professional help or am I just lazy.

Ty for reading this

Just some random thoughts, one broken person can damage the other person in a relationship or it can be opposite one may heal the broken person. But i think that's the difficult part.

And what if two broken souls comes together in a relationship, what do you guys think how it will be like. will it get worse or better.?? Also I believe "Hurt people" hurt people.

I think if two broke people came together there will be very less expectations and less drama as compared to so called healthy relationships because they have been through a lot and nothing can harm them with the same intensity again.

I would appreciate your thoughts/opinions/ or maybe experiences in this. You can DM if you want.

(24M feel like broke, idk i shouldmention this or not but i did)

Hi everyone,

I’m writing this because I feel like the black pill mindset has taken hold of me, and I honestly think it’s slowly ruining my life.

It’s draining my energy, my motivation, and my ability to enjoy everyday life.
It’s been almost a year since I started believing that, because of my appearance, personality, and other traits, I’ll never be able to have a relationship or be truly happy.

I’ve spent countless hours consuming black pill content, and over time I started believing that everything is predetermined and that there’s no point in trying. (Like my life has a connection with black pill from my pov)

Even though I’m currently on summer break and got excellent grades this year, school was also the place where I was constantly mocked for my appearance. I even changed schools, hoping things would be different, but they weren’t. (Did not make a single friend)

Now it’s September (school almost starting), and I just saw everyone my age going out, making memories, and enjoying their youth, while I spend most of my time alone in my room playing video games and wondering why I don’t have any close friends. It feels like I’m wasting what are supposed to be some of the best years of my life.

I try to focus on the things I enjoy, but the loneliness always comes back. I’ve even had thoughts about ending my life. I’m currently taking antidepressants, but I still feel like people eventually drift away from me or simply don’t want anything to do with me.

One of the things I struggle with the most is my appearance. I’m very insecure about my recessed chin and jaw, and about being 5’3”. I know these thoughts aren’t helping me, but they feel impossible to escape.

I’m not here to argue or convince anyone that the black pill is right. Quite the opposite—I want to get out of this mindset. I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar and found a way forward. What helped you? How did you start changing the way you saw yourself and your future?

Please be respectful. I’d really appreciate any advice or perspective, btw sorry for my English it’s not my native.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and reply.

EDIT: didn’t say but recently i just figured out that I won’t be able to grow more because my growth plates have closed… I was sad about it

Humans evolved as pack animals. Our ability to hold larger social groups is theorized to be one of the main reasons we out-competed the neanderthals, despite them being stringer and smarter than us.

(Most) Humans crave belonging and find fulfillment in connection to each other. Working towards a shared goal together. Support when you need it. Somebody to give support to when they need it Something to give your life meaning. In the wild, a lone human is a dead human. We feel safer in groups. (Again, generally.) And deep connections are part of our hierarchy of needs.

And yet, outside of the nuclear family, this is borderline impossible to cultivate in the modern day. And even beyond that, socially discouraged.

The mantra of "nobody owes you anything" and "learn to be happy alone and be your own audience, support and best friend". When that isn't something most of our ancestors ever had to do. And sounds insane in reference to any other social animal. It's considered animal abuse to keep a guinea pig alone in a cage. Why are humans expected to be alone?

How little we value platonic bonds. How difficult it is to even make time for anything outside of yourself and maybe your family because of our work culture.

How much interdependence is discouraged, how much regular social behavior is accused of being co-dependent. How every man needs to be their own island.

If you're not hyper-independent, you're weak. You need to grow up. Adult life is lonely, get used to it.

But ***why*** is it that way?

​

I (m21) have chosen to remain single forever. I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone. The problem is I don't have a template for lifelong singlehood. For most of my life most of my plans and visualizations of them (that i am now getting rid off) revolved around being a man who could eventually have and sustain his own family. Now that I have done away with those I realize that the templates I had for my future are ill fitting for this new life I've chosen. So i recalibrated.

After recalibrating, all I have is, get a high income, save and invest, be generous, be industrious, be respectful and kind, have a good reputation, develop hobbies now only for the sole purpose of alleviating boredom, ensure hobbies are challenging to slow cognitive decline without being unnecessarily time consuming, travel, get a dog or two. That's it. Feels like it's missing something or a few more things but I don't know what. Could be doing fun stuff with friends but I don't have high expectations there so I conveniently left it out. I'm not sure what else I'm missing or if my list is just fine because society hardly presents a reliable script for people who live their lives unpartnered.

For those of you who also do not wish to be in relationships and are thriving, what are some tips and pointers? I'm open to advice from others who are partnered as well. Thank you.

Hi there,

Maybe it’s because I’ve been away from gaming for a long time, or because I’ve never really used games while going through something emotionally intense, but I’m genuinely trying to understand what’s happening here.

(Actually, I always tried to stay away from gaming so I could make things happen in real life — besides maybe a few hours a year, so, very little, and I will keep it that way. Small fun rush.)

A little while ago, I had to make a pretty serious career decision. It involved a complete career change, lower income, and quite a bit of risk, so I spent MONTHS going back and forth and overthinking everything.

Then I played Stardust Valley for a few days. It was a gift, I didn’t know the game.

And somehow, I was done. My brain became ridiculously clear when I had to go back and face real life. I knew exactly what I wanted, made the decision, and I’m now incredibly happy with it.

There’s genuinely no going back. Something that had felt complicated for months suddenly became crystal clear.

Then yesterday, I went through a breakup after a very intense year. It ended with love and care, but obviously my heart was still all over the place.

So I thought, fuck it. I’ll play for a few hours. This game seems fun right? And it felt liberating last time, right?

In that moment, my brain: I don’t feel like being social right now. And I don’t want to be depressed in my bed. I usually would sulk a few days and be alone to find my peace and then be active again. Which honestly is very painful but in that moment, I simply feel extremely sad and I don’t want to do much, just digest the whole situation and move on asap. Actually going out and drinking or just going out and “do things” feels like avoiding the “feelings” and once alone, all comes back. It’s cliché, but yes, only time does it.

BUTTTTTTTTTT!!!

I woke up this morning feeling… amazing. What’s going on?

Not because I suddenly don’t care. I do. It’s sad, and I know it’s the end of something important. But my brain isn’t desperately trying to turn a painful but logical decision into a catastrophe.

I even sent him a calm message clarifying a few things and saying I’d be happy to hear occasionally that he’s doing okay.

And that was it.

Nothing in my life has ever reset my brain this dramatically. Not in a way that makes me avoid reality, but almost the opposite: it somehow strips away all the rumination and leaves the actual situation underneath.

And I don’t even find the game particularly “cosy.” There’s constantly something to do, something to organise, something to remember.

My theory is that maybe it overloads the part of my brain that normally ruminates. There’s simply no bandwidth left for endless emotional loops. Then when I stop playing, the noise is gone and the real decision is still sitting there, perfectly intact.

I’m honestly blown away. 🤯

I’m not really a gamer and probably never will be. I play occasionally.

But twice now, during two completely different major life situations, it has helped me process things faster, make very lucid decisions for myself, and move forward without feeling like I was suppressing anything.

Neither time have I regretted the decision afterwards or had some horrible emotional rebound.

So I wanted to thank this community, and the founder who made the game.

Who knew you could apparently fix a career crisis and a breakup with a farm?

I’m still not counting on it to fix everything in my life when I need it but DAMN. Feels like a life cheat sheet.

PS: My career change is into horticulture, which makes the whole thing even more ridiculous. 👩🏻‍🌾❤️

This isn't a new phenomenon that I'm noticing. Whenever I talk with people and hear them to explain the emotions that they are feeling/felt during particular events, it's not that I can't logically understand what they are talking about but I can't fathom ever acting in that way. I see people lashing out in anger or "acting crazy in love" and I simply don't understand what intensity of emotions would ever lead someone to act that way.
Now this isn't so say that I don't feel anything at all. But if I were to explain it in terms of baseline and bandwith: it's like my emotional baseline is always naturally in a very neutral state. I thought this is we the normal way to be but the more I listen to others the more I feel like it's not the same for everyone? And whenever there are "spikes" in my emotions, it feels way lesser than others. Like yes I feel happy, excited, sad, etc. at times but those spikes aren't really that intense or even last long. (I also noticed that the other emotion that I feel a bit more besides neutral-ness is irration.)
Personally I have no problem being this way but when I hear people talk about their emotions I can't help but feel like maybe something in me is muted. I think I can never experiencr love the way other people talk about falling in love because I simply can't imagine myself feeling such intense emotions.
Sidenote: I don't think I was always this way. During my teenage years till I was around 20, I used to feel emotions extremely intensely. Things used to affect me a lot. But that has changed. I think the reason I can cognitively understand people when they talk about their emotions is because I was like that once. But now I've truly forgotten what it feels like to feel so intensely. Also no, I don't think I'm depressed currently or anything. It's really chill. But yeah, just something that I wanted to get off my mind.

Any input/insight would be appreciated!!

What do you do when you feel like there is nothing to look forward to?

Hi, I'm 27M, Spanish-born and from a middle-class background. I went to university and eventually got what is objectively a good job. I earn more than around 70% of workers in Spain.

Despite this, I increasingly feel hopeless about my future.

I've struggled with social anxiety, feeling undatable because of my appearance, porn and videogame addiction, etc. I've actually made some progress with these things over the last few years. But I'm starting to feel that even if I fix my personal problems, there are structural problems I simply can't overcome.

Housing is the biggest one. Despite my salary, I spend around a third of my income renting a room in an old shared apartment. Both rent and house purchase prices have been increasing every year by more than my annual salary increase. It feels like I'm running a race where the finish line moves further away every year.

I've spent a lot of time reading reputable sources about housing, wages, demographics, inequality, productivity, etc. The more I investigate, the more I come to the conclusion that I may be permanently economically insecure, regardless of how hard I work. I could do everything "right" and still never afford the kind of life I expected.

This is changing me psychologically. A huge part of my thoughts now revolves around money, housing and poverty. I'm becoming much more bitter and resentful. Sometimes I even catch myself blaming older generations, immigrants, or the democratic system itself. I don't like this. My younger self wasn't like this, and I'm scared of becoming a person I don't recognize.

At my lowest points I sometimes think about using drugs or retreating into my addictions just to make the next decades bearable. I don't necessarily want to die; I just struggle to see what I'm supposed to look forward to.

I also have a very cynical thought about mental health: sometimes it feels like the industry is mostly teaching people to cope with increasingly bad circumstances rather than changing those circumstances. At my most cynical, I even wonder whether part of its social function is to keep unhappy people functional and resigned rather than angry enough to rebel.

Lately I've been losing sleep over all of this. I keep thinking that things are going to shit regardless of how hard I try, and that no amount of self-improvement or hard work will be enough to overcome forces that are much bigger than me.

How do you cope with that feeling? How do you keep going when you genuinely believe that things may continue getting worse no matter what you do?

Hi! I am a physics student.

Despite having had the most chaotic three last academic years, I somehow managed to get accepted into one of my country's (France) best universities.

My issue is that even though this was my dream place to study and I showed my motivation in the interview, my application could have been a little bit boosted by the fact that I am registered as a woman in the system (basically, when two students' dossiers are equivalent, they say they favour women in order to compensate for possible discriminations and having more of them in STEM; it makes a difference since in my field there were 7 places for the whole country).

What causes the impostor syndrome is that I am a closeted trans man (closeted due to my family, clearly not my choice). So obviously, even though I am perceived as a woman, I don't feel like one, and thus, I feel extremely bad about having been accepted in this uni, because I don't know if my results would have been enough if I had been a cis man (not to mention the gender dysphoria on top if it all, and the fact that my year has been, as I said, chaotic, so I don't feel like I deserved it in the first place). It also does not help that I am autistic and therefore quite nervous when it comes to reaching out to my future professors about that like I was advised to.

This led me to spend the whole summer holidays trying to study and forgetting to really relax. I remember that last time I got into this "impostor syndrome mindset" in my studies (for another reason) this led me to become workaholic for about 9 months and then burn out and start procrastinating on everything (by daydreaming or gaming but not in a very pleasurable way). This is part of why last years have been "chaotic" (first year was the workaholic one with good results, then there was the burnout one with 'meh, not that horrible' results, and last year was half burning out, half recovering and having good grades again).

Thus, I am not really looking forward to this happening again. Is there a way to break this cycle? Currently I feel super motivated to study and have good sleep + energy, but I also had that before the "burnout period", so this does not indicate much.

The past week was bad, I had an appointment with the psychiatrist that left me concerned about my mental health and all. I need to go back to studying, but I don't want to, all I want is to go home and play games instead. What can I do to study despite my low mood? Before that appointment I was studying at least 4x/week.

Hey r/Healthygamergg ,

I have a habit of sending texts, emails, etc to people and I am horribly afraid/avoidant of looking at their reply. Oftentimes they haven't even replied yet when I begrudgingly check it so it feels like I just tortured myself for no reason. When they do reply, it's never as bad as I thought it would be.

To be specific I get an anxious, aching feeling of anticipation in my chest. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes pre-type a message and schedule it to be sent later just so I don't even have to press the send button. Recently, I reached out to an old friend that I fell out of contact with. I scheduled my message to be sent this morning and I am so avoidant that I dread checking their possible response.

It's strange to me because I clearly have an intention to communicate with this person (sending the message is nowhere near as bad as waiting for a response) but for some reason I actively avoid their response. It feels like I'm sending out a ping but then cloaking myself on the radar when it's time for them to ping back.

Anyone else struggle with this? Looking for some advice; should I just grit my teeth and check my inbox in these scenarios?

I work in a pretty traditional office setting, with what seems to be a fairly relaxed attendance policy. I'm lucky to get a fair amount of PTO and have called out sick about once a month for the entirety of the time I've been here (about a year and a half at this point). A handful of my other coworkers do the same, especially when things are slow.

I have one coworker, however, who makes me anxious. It brings up a lot of bad feelings from a previous job. It was a toxic work culture, and I don’t notice my bosses at my current job engaging in the same behavior. For example, I don't think they would ever call me after hours to yell at me. I'm on good terms with my boss and direct supervisor.

Any time I take time off, this one coworker makes a comment ("oh you decided to show up today!"). He talks about how rich I must be to afford not working OT on Saturdays. I've tried to respond by brushing off his comments with a joke or a smile. At one point another one of my coworkers stepped in and politely told him to shut up ("I think he's saying he has a life outside of work" was her exact comment).

We also get a few weeks of OT every quarter. Typically, we get about 15 extra hours of OT a week and I'll work about 9 of them. I don't do OT on Saturdays, because I've noticed I feel awful when I do that. I have done this for the entirety of the time that I've been here - my bosses haven't ever made a comment. I've gotten good reviews and have been told I work hard. I also don't get comments like this from other coworkers.

He also does other things - for example, not saying good morning when I say good morning (when he clearly doesn't have headphones in). Some of the culture is people joking with one another (ribbing each other or whatever), so I've tried to chalk it up to that. I try to ignore him and keep interactions brief, but he sits right across from me and it makes me anxious.

Overall I'm just trying to tune him out... but it's hard when he sits right across from me. He's also kind of gross - he hawks loogies into his trash can and belches. Overall I just think he's kind of miserable - the little bit I've gleaned from his personal life sounds like he's unhappy.

I know it's irrational, but it makes me stressed out. I've started thinking about it outside of work and it makes me dread coming back into work. We basically sit next to each other, but because it's a small team asking to change seats feels a little socially aggressive and might open me up to more engagement from him. How do I get better at ignoring people like this?