Is there something I can do to support my partner? I’m planning on leaving him tho. I just have to support him so he won’t gamble out children’s money. You see he’s cheated on me multiple times too so I’m not really leaving him bec of gambling.

Hi everyone.

On July 9, I found out my husband has had a gambling addiction for the last 3 years. TLDR: 8 years I found out he had a spending addiction and was in CC debt. Starting 3 years ago he began elaborately lying to me about CCs I was seeing in his credit report and I stupidly believed him (or chose to believe him, idk). On July 9, I found out about the lies and he admitted he had gone from a spending addiction to a gambling addiction. He was $39,000 in debt.

He’s been doing all the right things-therapy, GA meetings, deleted apps, whatever. He’s working with Achieve to negotiate with the CC and loan companies to hopefully bring down the amount owed. But in the meantime he’s not making the monthly payments while Achieve negotiates.

I just checked his credit report again and it says his total debt is now $74,413. I can’t see card activity to see if it’s from more $ going on the cards or if the missed payments is racking up interest so high that his debt nearly doubled in 6 weeks. I can see that there are no new accounts. The highest amounts of debt are from loans so maybe it’s the interest in those? Idk…I’m sick right now

What do I do??

Edit: I had miscalculated his total debt back in July. Somehow didn’t add in the loans he took out.

After my husband told me several days ago about the gambling (he was cornered and had no choice but to tell me), I told him I have requirements of him if he wants me to stay. He agreed, cried, apologised, shared all his banking info with me, and I thought we were good. Well, good is a little strong, but we were working together.

The requirements:

1. I control all finances, including his pay, and I will give him gift cards/ fuel money for necessities only.

2. He shares all bills/ invoices/ debts with me.

3. He regularly attends meetings for gamblers; I don't care which.

4. He gets a sponsor or someone to talk to that isn't me. I cannot comfort him.

5. He sees a counselor or therapist 1:1 to explore and resolve the underlying cause.

6. He tells his family and closest friends (especially those he borrowed from), and tells them they are never too give him money again without talking to me. I don't need to be there when he tells them, but I will talk to them after to make sure.

7. Enroll in gambling blocking programs.

8. Give me a list of every single person he borrowed from and how much.

9. Include me in all finance discussions (even with his ex) and decisions.

10. Add me to his current/ checking account, so it's a joint account.

11. He never hides something important from me again.

12. He never gambles again.

It's a lot, but if I'm digging us out of this hole, I expect him to bear responsibility.

He has done #7 and started #10 (I have his passwords.) and that's it. Well, he reached out to a counselor service, but he's waiting on a reply.

I have been trying to keep a positive demeanor around him because I want to make our marriage work. But he has faced exactly 0 consequences of his actions, and I'm left scrambling.

The last two days, I've been borrowing and begging from everyone I know to make sure we can eat and have a home until next payday (4 weeks!!!). He took out a pay day loan and sold his phone (using an old one now) and gave me most of the money, aside from him paying the phone/ internet bill, paying his sister back, and money for groceries.

What is bothering me is that he decided unilaterally to take out the loan and sell his phone. He didn't ask or clear it with me before. He hasn't attended a meeting. He pushed back when I asked if he told anyone yet. (He's afraid of disappointing them.).

So I'm carrying this alone. I told him today that he needs to get on this stuff because it's not fair to me that I'm working on it and he's just... fine. I want this to work, but if he's not willing to do his part and accept the consequences, then I will leave. I told him this and he looked upset so I FELT BADLY.

Wtf?!

Well, if I want to start a support group, it's only fair if I share first.

First, I hate gambling, always have. My parents buy lottery tickets and used to go to the casino somewhat regularly. They also played those bar gambling machines. It was never truly detrimental, but we didn't have money to lose, so I found it dumb.

In my early 20s, I went to a casino with my then boyfriend. He had about $150 that he wanted to play blackjack with, so I put my extra cash ($17) into a nickel machine and got a free soda. Ten minutes later, my boyfriend was out of cash and was ready to go, so I bet all and hit a jackpot of $16.80. He lost all of his spending money and I came up even. I should have just played the change machine. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Fast forward nearly 20 years and I met my beautiful husband. We fell in love and quickly got married. He's smart, funny, kind, handsome, and means everything to me.

I don't remember if he told me before or after we got married, but it was definitely after I had fallen in love.

Gambling had ended his previous marriage. He had started when the pressure to provide became too much (he was the only breadwinner and they were on baby 3). He had gotten them both so far in debt that his ex kicked him out and he filed bankruptcy. He swore never to gamble again. This is when he met me.

He is awful with money, so I pay most of the bills anyway and have been angling to take over all of them and financial responsibility. Over the last year or so, he's been frequently borrowing money from me, even when I was between jobs and we had impending expenses that his salary wouldn't cover.

It finally broke this week when I needed to pay a bill of several thousand and not doing so would mean I would have to leave my family. I had told him last week that I was 500 short and I needed him to pay me back that much of what he owes me.

He had been paid two days before I went to pay the bill, so I told him I needed the money right then.

He didn't have it. He didn't have any money at all. He had borrowed money from me, his family, friends, and lost it all in online gambling.

He gambled our future away. Had been lying to me for almost a year since he fell off the wagon. Took every penny I had.

And I never saw it.

I love him, but I'm broken.

I'm DT and it's nice to have somewhere to vent. ❤️

I am getting notifications, so if anyone wants to chat, just post!