r/IncelExit • u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 • 1d ago

Asking for help/advice I Need Help - Decentering

I thought I was improving but over the last few days I have backslid into some of my old ways of thinking. When looking at some chats from the previous year I recognized a lot of people responding to the same questions I’ve been asking for help with for years now.

After a breakup 8 years ago I decided to stop dating to fix myself. I used to get infatuated with whomever I was dating way to quickly and when the relationship inevitably ended I was not kind to say the least. Bless those women who had to deal with my dumbass, they deserved way better from me. In the time I was taking a break I was hoping to work on myself so that I could get back into dating without having it dominate my life but I’ve hit a setback.

I need help decentering women and sex. Most days those two things are all I think about and I am really struggling to find ways to decenter women so i can live a fulfilling life. On top of that I struggle to maintain a clean living space, I feel like I’m buried under books, movies, comics, records. And I struggle with porn, I’m hesitant to use the word addicted although it’s probably closer to the truth than I care to admit to myself.

This is probably the most honest I’ve ever been on one of these posts. But seeing comments and chats from years ago where I realize I have been like a hamster on a wheel hurt. How do I decenter women so I can live my life for me?

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u/Suspicious_Glove7365 1d ago

It sounds like you have a few projects that you could do that would take up a lot of your brain space and time! Decluttering your space is a really great way to improve so many things that you seem to be struggling with. If you have time to think about women all day, then it makes sense that the thing to do is to fill your time with other things!

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

I just struggle to keep focused on tasks like that. When I get stressed I fall back to either the relationship subreddits or porn. I don’t know how to keep the blinders up and the foot on the gas because the moment I get stressed out I just completely fall apart

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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 1d ago

You don’t have to do it for 8 hours straight.

Do something like set a timer, or put on a show you e seen before or music, just for background noise. And for that period of time, have one task, like “I will go through my books for the 30 minutes of this show and make a pile to keep and and a pile to sell at the used bookstore or donate. Then tomorrow I will go out and sell/donate those books.”

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

What do you do if you have trouble sticking to plans though? I can plan things like that all the time but the minute I get frustrated I just give up or get distracted?

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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 1d ago

That’s why I say set a timer or just do it for the length of a show. You can do just about anything for 25 minutes, especially if you know that’s all the time you’re doing it for and it’s one discreet task.

But that’s me, and I don’t have problems with planning and not really with frustration tolerance. But if you do, I’m sure therapy or even free resources could provide tips.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

I can plan, I’m really good at making plans. I just can’t follow through when it comes to my personal life.

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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 1d ago

And like I said, that’s why sticking to short, practical, singular, achievable plans is the way to go.

And also like I said, I don’t really have a problem with frustration tolerance. But I’m sure there are professional or even free resources to help.

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u/watsonyrmind 1d ago

I mean he is basically describing an extremely common symptom of ADHD, has seemingly been diagnosed with ADHD in the past, but wants to know how to overcome the ADHD without treating the ADHD. There's only so much anyone or anything can do at that point, but I must say, it sure is a common problem people come here with: how can I overcome my mental illness/complications from neurodivergence that doesn't involved, you know, actually addressing it with professional, peer reviewed methods of care.

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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 1d ago

That’s my impression too. And as control-freak planner (😉) without ADHD, all I can offer is a recommendation for professional help and general planning ideas.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

It’s not that I don’t want to treat my ADHD, if that even is what I have. I just don’t want to go back on the meds for it.

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u/watsonyrmind 1d ago

I'll call bullshit on that my dude cause I said "treatment" and even after when you assumed treatment meant solely meds I clarified that it's not only meds. You are clearly not interested in engaging with treatment for your issues. And that's fine, you are the only one affected here, but it's difficult to expect anything to change if you are unwilling to actually focus on the causes of the issues. These sorts of things can be severely debiliating, which for you it sounds like it is. In that case, it's not something you just snap out of or will yourself to overcome. There's no advice online that will magically solve it, and there's a reason why, as you noted, 4 years later, you are still searching for answers to the same problems. It requires targeted, consistent, and prolonged effort.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

Thanks I’ll have to see if I can find some resources to help with the frustration and stress.

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u/Suspicious_Glove7365 1d ago

Sounds to me like you should also take care of your mental health then. do you feel like your inability to stay focused is absolutely out of your control? Like, is this beyond just some habits you have to break, and more in the territory of “I should seek a professional opinion”?

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

It’s not absolutely out of my control. Some days are better than others though. Another user already convinced me to at least reach out to someone regarding possible ADHD counseling or therapy.

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u/Suspicious_Glove7365 1d ago

I think that’s a good first step. You may be surprised what helps. This stuff is on a spectrum. Just because some days are better than others doesn’t mean getting help isn’t the right way to go.

Meanwhile, you can develop methods to manage your stress—both to help prevent you from getting stressed and to help you manage it when you feel it. We all feel stress at some point. But how we handle it is really what matters most.

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u/watsonyrmind 1d ago

Are you dianogsed ADHD or anything like that? Are you currently being treated for any mental health issues?

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

Not being treated for anything no. Supposedly I have been told I have ADHD but I don’t know if that is true. I tried various meds for it and they didn’t help, only made the porn use worse.

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u/watsonyrmind 1d ago

Cause you are basically just describing a bunch of symptoms of neurodivergence and/or mental illness. Your best bet would obviously be to treat those symptoms and in fact I'm not sure what else you could do. 

If you are reticent to seek actual treatment you could look into free resources like audiobooks or podcasts that will be able to contextualize for you. I think if you were to do that it would be more obvious to you how these issues need to be addressed first and foremost and how they are common issues tied to these diagnoses.

ETA: also extremely common to try many different meds and doses to find the right treatment. I am on my 3rd different med, 5th different dose. My partner a few more than that and it still remains to be seen if these are what will work for us long term.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

Thanks for the advice. Based on my past experiences I’m going to forego any formal treatment. Because based on past results the treatments only made my life worse. I’ll look into podcasts or books I they will be more helpful than the drugs

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u/watsonyrmind 1d ago

Well there's not only drugs there is also therapy but yeah, to each their own, I guess. Just because you never found a med or dose that worked doesn't mean it doesn't exist. 

My partner was experiencing severe insomnia for several months from one of the meds and I had to really talk him into switching because they really helped otherwise. The ones since then haven't been nearly as helpful so I think the next step will be to go back to the one that was helping but add something on to counteract the insomnia. All that to say it's not been an easy road but he needs to meds to function well at work so he'll keep trying. It is what it is, better to be working towards a better quality of life than not, and it's not like he can just decide to not have ADHD anymore.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

I’m sorry your partner is going through that. I understand their struggle all too well. I hope they’re able to find something to help them with their ADHD.

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u/watsonyrmind 1d ago

I mean he's doing pretty well generally so no need to feel sorry for him. It's just one of the challenges in his life, we all have them. It's how you handle them that makes the difference.

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u/Instigated- 1d ago

Getting therapy might help.

As stress seems to be a trigger for the habits you want to break (porn, relationship subs), focus on stress reduction techniques.

Breathwork (eg on YouTube Breath with Sandy), meditation, listening to music, going for a walk, etc can help reduce stress.

Also look up how to do a “psychological sigh” it is a breathing technique that only takes a minute yet can relax your nervous system very effectively.

Pick an alternative action you can take so if you get the urge for porn or relation subs you instead do a sudoku or breathwork (or something). Switch from one habit you don’t want to one you do.

As far as the clutter goes, can you put up some shelves and stack the items on the shelves so they are not in the way? Or buy some storage boxes and put this stuff in them? Or give away some of them you don’t need anymore? What is one thing you can do as a starting point to make it just a little bit nicer? Take it one step at a time.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

I can work on getting some more shelves. It sucks because I love my stuff but I find it so suffocating, every time I see my shelves I feel like someone is standing on my chest.

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u/watsonyrmind 1d ago

I already engaged with you in a comment thread but I just wanted to add a standalone comment to say that your efforts to be more honest are admirable. It's never easy to open up about difficult stuff like that and making a conscious effort to be more open (which you started in your last post) is a great effort. I'm sorry that you are struggling and I hope that you are able to find at least some things that can help (even though I standby a need for more intensive intervention).

Since I suggested trying podcasts/audiobooks, I'll try to think of some to start with although I recommend searching for your specific issues to get more targeted advice. For example, just the other day I googled (copied directly from my search history): "looking for a book or podcast about adhd to help me work" and checked out some recommendations and started 1. If you have or get a library card, there is an app for your phone that allows you to borrow and listen to audiobooks for free.

Some recommendations:

How To Keep House While Drowning - KC Davis Feeling Good - David D. Burns Atomic Habits - James Clear Taking Charge of Adult ADHD - Russell A. Barkley

I also ask ChatGPT for tips on issues pretty frequently and get some decent feedback sometimes.

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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago

When's the last time you asked a girl out?

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

September of 2018

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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago

That explains all of your struggles.

Sorry but you can't turn off your desires for a human connection. You also can't expect to get that while doing nothing.

I understand you want to decenter, but what you're doing is leaving the space entirely. It's not going to work. It's unsustainable. To answer your question: you have to go out and meet women again and keep it as part of your life. You can't turn it off while you go "improve yourself".

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

Respectfully, I don’t think that me getting back out there right now is the best thing for me. That’s specifically why I am asking for help with decentering women from my life. They can be on the periphery but they’ve taken up to much of my attention up to now and I don’t want to continue to waste time.

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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago

Nobody said they have to be the center. They can be in the periphery but not completely absent from your life.

I'll answer you again: no, it's not possible to remove them completely from your life. Not asking anyone out for 8 years is the reason you're suffering. It's unsustainable.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

Trust me that’s not the reason I’m suffering. I’m suffering because I’m a self-centered man who hates himself so deeply that he cannot get his life together.

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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago

How does this have anything to do with keeping women on the periphery?

I don't care about how you feel about yourself. You are clearly upset over your porn addiction and general loneliness. I'm only here to answer your question and I have already.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

You assumed I was suffering because I hadn’t asked anyone out in 8 years. I disagreed saying it is because I find myself to be a bit too narcissistic and self hating. That’s how it is relevant

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

What can women possibly bring to my life that would solve my problems?

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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago

I don't know, you tell me. You're the one who's addicted to porn and feeling lonely, right?

I'm just telling you that you can't remove your desires from your body. It's simply not possible.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

Okay but I don’t want to look for a partner, girlfriend or FWB right now. I just want advice to help get my life together so that I can get over the victim mentality my brain has settled into.

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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 1d ago

Again, I have answered you many times.

You can't remove your desires. They are part of you. So this whole thing you're saying, that you want to go on a self improvement journey while pretending you can avoid your desires, is silly. I keep saying it's unsustainable and you're not listening.

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u/WhiskeyHotdog_2 1d ago

Okay so it’s unsustainable to completely avoid women for the time being. So what I just date casually in the meantime? Just make friends with more women? I just don’t t understand exactly how it’s supposed to help me

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