This is such a dumb rant but I have to vent it and I love him to death so I refuse to complain to people who know him.

I have some sensory processing issues, they’re not a secret. He literally just bought me a shirt that says something about it but he doesn’t actually get it.

I’m going to be completely fair, we are opposites. I get overwhelmed and need space, he gets overwhelmed and needs affection. I’m an insomniac and he needs to go to bed early. I am the one who neglects his needs more. He is loving and kind and I don’t appreciate it enough.

Unfortunately for us while I understand what he needs from me, he doesn’t actually understand that all I need from him is to sometimes be left tf alone. After the kids go to bed at night, sometimes I really just need a damn minute to breathe, bring my heart rate down, relax. I need to be alone, not kid free, ALONE. He will stay up hours later than he wants to because he doesn’t like going to bed by himself. If I go take a shower, he’ll just unlock the door and come in to chat. This is not just unhelpful, it makes me stress so much more because I know I won’t ever be able to get a damn minute to myself. If I go to bed at the same time as him he will stay awake longer trying to cuddle and shit while I need absolute stillness around me while being able to adjust my own body for hours because I suck at sleeping.

I’m an overwhelmed, overstimulated, shitty wife. That’s all, judge me, idc. I’m just so exhausted and internally freaking tf out.

I'm a sahm who's never been given a single sick day, day of rest, extra support or help around the house when I've been down and out. It's always business as usual the kids still need to eat, the house still needs cleaned, they need attention & direction it doesn't stop just because I'm out of commission.

I ordered pizza on my way home from a D&E and coordinated with our sitter the day after finding out our baby was stillborn at 23 weeks and then proceeded to take care of our toddler and clean up the house when we got home.

After our last was born complicated c section I was back in the kitchen 3 days later cooking, washing dishes, answering emails, tackling big kid stuff at school barely able to stand up, in a diaper, I couldn't even get off the toilet it was so difficult.

I have had poor mental health days where I absolutely cannot deal and yet I somehow rise to the occasion

My husband gets a hemorrhoid on his ass and he can't parent for an entire weekend. Laid up on the couch, in the bed , can't walk, can't move, he needs to rest.

He doesn't even ask me if I'm okay with carrying his half of the load all weekend. Doing all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, bedtimes, while he lays on the couch because his ass hurts. It just happened - it automatically became my responsibility because I'm a woman - I'm the mother. I've parented our kids under worse . Why are you so freaking weak and why does your weakness have to become my problem ??? I've never been allowed to be weak or soft or tap out and you do it so freely.

Jesus Christ men are actually pathetic sometimes

i went NC with JUSTNOMIL a little over a year ago after an incident that was hurtful, and she has denied. this week, i learned a little more from DH as to why MIL has not reached out to me to address the incident, and given his handling of the situation by pressuring me to drop my boundaries, i instinctively thought DARVO and enmeshment. am i overreacting?

these were the incidents:  

1) MIL pushed me into a wall when she was very drunk. i mentioned this to DH, and it took 1 year for him to address it with MIL where she quickly called me and apologized. i learned 2 years later (this week) that she feels like i embarrassed and shamed her, which i'm struggling to understand because i have spoken to no one except DH about this.

2) last year, while leaving a lovely family event after hugs with everyone were exchanged, i heard MIL ask about other relatives who didn't make it to the party. there was a pause, then she said "wait, [me] is still here" in front of adult and teenage family members. i shared this with DH and insisted that he address this with MIL without delay. he did, and what followed was MIL denied the comments (FIL confirmed she did in fact make the comments), attacked my character a few days later, and 1 year later has not reached out to me to address this incident because she feels i embarrassed and shamed her for having to apologize for her prior mistake. i went NC after this incident, and because MIL won't reach out to me, DH has repeatedly asked me if i would have coffee with her to discuss this issue. DH is struggling with my being NC with his FOO, which could lead to us divorcing.

I’ve been married for three years. Initially, things were good. He was loving and kind. But with time, our relationship has deteriorated significantly. I don’t know if this was always part of who he was or if his parents’ influence became stronger over time.

The biggest issue is that my husband seems to believe that our relationship depends on me having a good relationship with his parents. He seems unable to separate his role as a son from his role as a husband.

I don’t expect him to choose me over his parents or disrespect them. I expect us to have an independent marriage where we are equal partners.

Whenever there is an issue involving his parents, he tends to automatically trust their perspective, justify their behavior, and rarely seems interested in understanding why I am uncomfortable with them. He considers their involvement in our marriage and opinions about our personal decisions normal, expects me to accommodate their traditions and expectations despite never agreeing to a traditional daughter inlaw role, and struggles to set boundaries even when their involvement affects our marriage.

What I find particularly confusing is that this expectation seems to apply primarily to me, rather than to him. He doesn’t necessarily avoid doing things that might upset his parents when it comes to his own choices. But when it comes to my choices, he is very concerned about his parents being unhappy and expects me to take their feelings into consideration. It feels like I have a responsibility to keep his parents happy that he doesn’t necessarily impose on himself.

I’ve tried explaining that I can’t be expected to have a close relationship with his parents when I don’t feel supported by him, especially when I feel they’ve contributed to our problems. But he sees my relationship with them as non-negotiable.

Over time, I became emotionally exhausted from trying to communicate my unhappiness and eventually stopped expressing myself because I felt he wasn’t genuinely interested in understanding my perspective.

I don’t feel emotionally safe with him or that I can rely on him for support during difficult situations. It often feels like keeping his parents happy takes priority over our marriage.

We were initially thinking of trying marriage counseling, but I’m struggling to understand how it would work if his fundamental expectation is that I need to change my relationship with his parents, rather than him establishing boundaries and building an independent marriage.

For those who have dealt with something similar, how did you handle it? What helped, and what ultimately didn’t? Did counseling make a difference?

I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who have been through something similar and can share what they wish they had known earlier.

ETA: thank you for the validation. for the first 13 years of our relationship, i often times acquiesced to DH and his family so re-gaining clarity from the comments shared is helping me to stay firm with the boundaries that i've asked DH to support.

i started posting in JUSTNOMIL 3 years ago, and after 2 incidents involving MIL as the aggressor and having to fight for support from DH, i'm seeing that he is the JUSTNO. we started looking for marriage counselors over 1 year ago, and have struggled to find someone who has training in the gottman method, is in-network with our insurance, has availability for new patients, and has enough life experience to help us through our issues.

we've been trying to "work it out" for 3 years and the last year has been especially hard where DH started cursing AT me. the last incident with MIL was 1 year ago, and that is when i went NC. our last fight leading to talks of separating was 2.5 months ago, and DH asked to try 1 last time. we had another argument 1 week ago, and after a few days apart for an unrelated reason, i came home tonight realizing that DH had backtracked on the compromise we reached 2.5 months ago. he said he would take a more active role in finding a marriage counselor, and i responded that if things are still the same by the end of the year, we should separate. i also added that we should not pretend to celebrate our upcoming wedding anniversary and the holidays, and to feel free to spend the holidays with our own sides of the family. a part of me feels like an a-hole, but this is where i'm at after 3 years of dealing with DARVO, enmeshment, DH's mid-life crisis on top of other sacrifices i've made to support him after we got married.

TL;DR: what does "working it out" really look like? can it include concurrently working towards a successful outcome in marriage counseling, AND preparing to separate if in another 4 months we either still can't find a marriage counselor (and we're still at an impasse with our issues) or we failed to compromise even after marriage counseling?

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for almost 2. I gave birth to our first baby together last year February and I feel like I have been a married single mom ever since. He treated me horribly in the hospital, refused to help when I was struggling to soothe our newborn and really soured the experience of my very first birth/baby. We quickly found that baby boy was colicky and overall a difficult little guy. My husband was always in a terrible mood even though I did all the night wake ups. He often criticized me for turning to new parent forums for advice on issues we were facing or even credible medical/pediatric information sources. The first 7 or so months were like this. We were always bickering until things finally got better and I started to feel settled in my role as a new/first time mom. Fast forward to today, and I still do everything. I take care of all meals/feeding, I watch him all day while working (we have literally the same WFM job), I do 80% of diaper changes, I do every bath time, and every nap/bedtime routine. Every single day. I get 1 hour to myself on Saturday and Sunday to go to the gym. After work when we are hanging out in the living room together, he spends most of the time looking at his phone instead of interacting with our son at all.
This is not my husband's first baby but the dude just can't get it together. Earlier today he tried to put thick sweatpants on our baby so I could take him out on a walk. It's 80 degrees out, I told him that was not appropriate for the weather and to please grab shorts and he got all huffy about it. He criticizes me for little dumb things ALL the time and I get so sick of hearing "why'd you do this?" Or "why didn't you do that?'. Today he got after me for leaving some wipes I used to clean the highchair with on the counter (I rush to feed/clean because my employer tracks AFK time) but its perfectly acceptable for him to leave empty cereal bags/chip bags on the counter... Tonight as I was getting the baby ready for bed he calls to me from our bedroom yelling, "Am I cleaning up this mess?" in an annoyed tone. The baby had gotten 2 shoes and an empty duffle bag out of the closet while I was getting dressed earlier and rushing to get him out the door for a walk on my lunch break, so had forgotten to put them back. I said, "oh yeah, baby got those out and I forgot", and he repeated even more annoyed, "yeah, so I'm picking this up then?". YEAH DUDE, I'm getting the baby ready for bed. What do you want me to do? Stop what I'm doing to put those 3 things away when you are standing there doing nothing??? Like, what the fuck, man. He can be so frustrating and sometimes I look forward to the times when he is out of the house. I only have expectations for myself and don't have to face additional stress/disappointment. Would love it if he just stopped being a selfish ass sometimes.

G

I love you enough to let you go and you know I will. We've done this before. I guess we're going to do it again. I don't know what happened I just wanted you to be honest with me. That was literally all I wanted. I could have handled almost anything else. And I mean maybe my initial reaction wouldn't have been great but anything as long as it was the truth. Anything but lies and it also anything other than you being yourself. If you can't be yourself then I I don't want to hold you. That's a cage. I don't want to be a cage. I don't want to be a cage for myself, much less anybody else why didn't this get so bad? Why? Why did I've lost everything unless everything and then I'm going to lose you to when I chose you over everything and everybody else. This is cruelty absolute cruelty. The only reason I did what I did is because you had lied before and I just wanted to know you weren't lying again. I wanted to know your heart. Was it somebody else's before I brought you completely back in? And I knew with you having such trouble letting her go that I needed to worry and you know what. If you want her then go get her. Don't let me tell you up but you could help me get back on my feet because I wouldn't be in this situation if you had just been honest or slowed down or something else other than lie to me. I'm over here fighting and swinging and defending. You've turned me into a meat shield. I'm a literal neat shown for you and you're the you're the expert at fighting I literally help people live for my living. I wanted to give a swings. I wanted to fly off into the sunset. All that stuff all that stuff because I know what comes at the end of these lives that we have. I know what comes at the end. I don't want to be in a bed. Rotting however, I also don't want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who feels like they can't even be themselves. I never wanted that for you or me. The that idea is gross as far as I'm concerned after finding this and reading all this because Reddit was the one thing I didn't I didn't look at and now I say it's all played out here and I feel I still feel so stupid. I feel so stupid and I just of all the people why would you lie to me like literally at my work people crap their pants in front of me like I'm a nurse. I see people at their freaking worst. I could have taken anything except the lies and I don't understand why you think I'm approved or uptight or anything like that. I just I have standards a certain way things are supposed to be that doesn't make me approved and and sure maybe I'll be upset for a second. Maybe it's longer than a second, but I'm not upset forever and I never have been at you. I mean did you talk to r at all? I mean he's mad because I won't do anything with him as like what in the world. Yet again I picked you over everybody, everybody and everything over my family over my job over over. Literally everything and you know and I would have already had another job but having be pending assault charge keeps me from getting a job and I don't know why'd you grab the sharp end what what in the world my life is destroyed and if you want to go be elsewhere or whatever I just asked to be put back on my feet. That's it and you can go do whatever. I still love you. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure it out cuz I always do.

Love Always

E

He chose his mom/family over me. I feel awful, and I feel like he’s going to move on and find a woman who values family and I’m gonna feel like crap because he made me feel like not being accommodating to his family structure was a character flaw.

So, I broke up with my partner of two years due to his family, mainly his mother. His mother is a 49 year-old woman, and he is 29. She is a widow of four years (husband was 30+ years older), and she also lost her mother four years ago as well. I tried to be accommodating in the beginning, understanding that he is her only son/child and essentially all that she has left in the household. She’d have panic attacks often. She has a bunch of family, but she really clings onto her son. I moved in with them at the beginning of our relationship because my job was closer to their house. But after a while, I got tired because it just felt like we were kids under her rules. She constantly had family coming in and out staying for extended periods of time and I felt like we had no privacy. It felt like there was always somebody coming around, someone to always hang out with. I wanted to build on our relationship between each other, but there was always somebody tugging at him. So, I urged him and we got a place of ourselves together after almost a year of being together.

I thought this was going to be the change that we needed, but it didn’t even feel like we had our own place, being that he would still have to constantly go back to her house multiple times a week to help her with the household things as well as to console her because she felt alone and that he just abandoned her. She called 3 to 4 times every single day. This led to a lot of arguments, because I felt like he would prioritize his family (extended family, cousins, aunts/uncles, mothers friends) constantly over us, and it felt like I was just dating him and his family. He was tasked of helping take care of his family, being that his stepdad used to take care of his mom‘s family before he passed. I started to lose attraction to him, and our sex life dwindled. And he complained about that. His family would often comment on how quiet I am, but I just didn’t feel comfortable, and I got tired of spending every holiday and almost every function with them. His mom’s friends would make little comment sometimes, throwing shade and it just gave that they didn’t really like me that much.

I know I was not a perfect girlfriend, and I have flaws that I need to work on, but I really tried because I cared about him. I did violate his privacy one time by going through his phone, which I know was absolutely wrong. I hadn’t gone through his phone, the entire relationship, but this one day I just had annoying feelinh, and I asked God to show me a sign that I needed to leave. I had gone through his phone, and I saw a text exchange between him and his mother, where she was actively trying to set him up with her friend who is in her 40s and has a kid. Her friend, I have seen her before, and she is an attractive woman. He basically joined in and laughed and said OK. I flipped out and threw the phone at him. Which again, I know was wrong. He told me that it was a joke, and I don’t understand the cultural difference. I also saw times where his mom would catch attitude and tell him to go away when he would reach out to her and had been at our apartment for an extended period of time. After I saw how his mom truly felt, I vowed to never go around her again. And that was the beginning of the end. He felt like despite everything that I’ve experienced with him and his family, I should’ve still attempted to come around and be close to his family.

However, in our last arguments, he said that his family will always be a priority, they were a priority before me and they’ll be a priority after me. He also doubled down and said I don’t know anything about having a family. I have an estranged family, my mom passed away, and I was raised by my grandparents. I never had extended family or just family constantly around. I grew up alone pretty much. For him to hit that low broke me. He gets mad and he says some really hateful things. I’ve just had enough. But, I can’t help but think about how he’s going around probably slandering my name and how he dragged this on knowing that I was not the person for him. Because I wasn’t extremely close to his family, we couldn’t work out. I feel awful.

Our lease is ending in a couple weeks, and he essentially moved back home like three months ago, periodically stopping by. He stopped helping me with the rent, so I’ve been having to pay for months rent these past two months by myself. I just feel abandoned. It feels like in his head, he’s justifying his behavior because I don’t get along with his family and that’s like a huge character flaw to him almost as if, I don’t value family. Even in my last relationship, I got along with my ex’s family well. So, me not being family oriented, isn’t the case, it’s just his family and his mom are just so overbearing. I just can’t take it. It’s like they have no ambition or drive to do anything else except lean on their family for everything. He says that he’s gonna pay me back, but every time I ask, it’s always he has to get money out of another account. I’m turning 28 years old and I feel like I have to start over. Choosing myself is not easy, it’s very hard. He’s going back to a support system, a community of full of people that care about him. So he’s gonna be OK. He’s gonna go off and he’s gonna go find somebody else who adores his family dynamic and they will ride off into the sunset together. I don’t have a support system, I don’t really have community. And that’s something that I want so badly in this lifetime. It just feels lonely. But I felt like I had to go, cause I do hope to be married one day and I don’t want to be tied to a person who wouldn’t ever prioritize me. It’s been two years and no talks or actions towards getting more serious/marriage. How do I get over this feeling of just feeling like shit, and that I was at fault here and this is somehow a reflection of my character?

The title is accurate and yet I also know in the end that it’s my fault for sticking it out over six years with him despite everything him and his mother have put me through.

His mother has always hated me. From the moment I met her, she’d call me fat, ugly, poor, tell me that my husband would leave me because I wasn’t doing enough. For years my husband told me to just suck it up because his mom was just like that. Eventually he finally told her to back off or his relationship with her would end. Then she got caught gossiping about me to his military peers and I went no contact with her.

The treatment over the years from her was terrible but the treatment from him wasn’t too much better. He’d only treat me nicely and act excited to see me if it was regarding sex. For many years while we were dating, he’d make me pay for his gas to come see me because he couldn’t be bothered to do it himself and if I didn’t pay for it, he wouldn’t come.

He’d refuse to take me on dates, at all (I never wanted anything expensive, just wanted to feel like he was thinking of us). He would also pester me about how I wasn’t going anywhere with my life but the moment I finally had enough money to go back to school and pursue my career—he got mad at me for putting so much of my focus into studying.

The way he talks to me is usually short, uninterested and very monotoned, unless he wants sex, then he actually sounds like he wants to be around me. And god forbid I ever come to him about something I have a problem with (usually his mother doing something ) he shuts down and gets defensive.

There’s so much more about this, especially regarding the way he’s treated me while I was pregnant and postpartum but I’m so exhausted.

At a point in my life where I'm wondering what I'm doing... For a few years now I've been seeing my SO and I feel I'm in a rut because in the beginning, everything was great from the sex to the things we would do together. Now it's very rare if we do anything and I do mean anything and it's physically draining so at this point I'm finding myself being signed up for everything that's going on with them from overspending and leaving me to afford everything and I can't even remember the last time I bought anything for myself... I also can't forget the pure laziness and having to do everything they say because they don't feel like it or they don't feel so good i.e. if they were heading to bed, they would tell me to grab everything but if I didn't want to or forgot then that one minor mishap turns into an argument that you can't win because they have all the answers or they'll make it out like I'm stupid or backtrack on something they said because they're proving the exact point I'm making.

There's a lot more to it if interested in hearing it but I just wanna make sure that I'm not as crazy as I think I am or even a little bit of reassurance to calm my nerves and send my thoughts elsewhere...

I'm crying over this because I'm so frustrated. It's stupid, I know, but let me explain anyway.

I (24f) and my SO(34M) got into the dumbest argument, and I realized a pattern. We had been talking about countries we'd like to visit in Asia. I said Ireland and backtracked because my brain worked faster than my mouth and meant to change to European countries. This is where the fight began.

I explained my brain mix up, and he stopped me and very seriously said, "Ireland isn't a part of Europe." Then I was like, "What? No, it is." I started laughing because I thought he was joking. He wasn't joking and then doubled down. Even saying other people would think im stupid for saying that. I just need someone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Unfortunately, I think my fiance has become a total loser, and I’m struggling to accept that this is the person I’m raising a child with.
I haven’t been working since having our baby because the plan was always for me to stay home for the first year and take care of our baby while he worked and provided for us. Before the baby was born, he promised me that he would step up, work hard, and make sure we were financially secure. I trusted him because I genuinely believed he was hardworking and understood what being a father would require.
But after our baby was born, everything changed.
He misses work frequently, goes to work extremely late, and is constantly coming up with excuses not to work. He also trades, but honestly, at this point, I call it gambling he loses every penny and doesn’t save for nothing for baby . He doesn’t save emergency money, we’re constantly behind on bills, and there always seems to be some financial crisis.
Meanwhile, I’m the one who is sleep deprived, breastfeeding, and taking care of our baby full time while he sleeps for 8 hours every night . I understand that men can experience postpartum depression and that becoming a parent can be overwhelming, but I’m struggling to understand why he seems completely unwilling to step up when I’m already doing so much every single day.
He has also developed what feels like an addiction to porn since the baby was born, and he seems to have less and less motivation to work or contribute to our family.
I don’t feel like he enjoys being a father because as a father I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do better for your child. Set good examples. He hasn’t helped teach our baby new skills, practice milestones, or actively participate in his development. I feel like I’m doing everything while he watches from the sidelines. When I speak up about it he complains that I’m stressing him out, the reason for everything he does like watching porn daily instead of working etc is because I’m stressing him out. The reason he’s behind on bills is cause I’m stressing him out. His mom says she doesn’t want her son to stress and takes care of him like a baby, so maybe he’s used to that I’m not sure.
I never expected him to be perfect. I expected him to step up. I expected him to understand that once you have a child, you have responsibilities that don’t disappear just because you don’t feel like working that day.
I’m starting to feel like I’m raising two children instead of one, and I’m devastated because this isn’t the future I thought I was building with him.
Am I being too harsh, or is it reasonable to expect more from a partner and father?

I’m posting because I could genuinely use some advice and support right now rather than judgment.

I know I’ve posted/commented in the past that, at least for the foreseeable future, I wasn’t planning on having any more children because of everything that has happened involving my MIL/in-laws and the enmeshment issues my husband still has with his family, despite being very low contact with them now.

Well… life had other plans. I’m now several weeks into a very unexpected surprise pregnancy.

It is what it is at this point and I’m just going through the motions and trying to process everything, especially because I found out I was pregnant right in the middle of making some pretty major life changes and getting to the point of setting some serious ultimatums within my marriage. Obviously this pregnancy has complicated a LOT of that.

Anyway, my MIL is currently in her second major mental health crisis within the last 30 days. She is back in the hospital after apparently not eating for over a week and getting into a very concerning mental state again.

Yesterday my husband casually mentioned that he had been wanting to tell his parents that I’m pregnant soon, but that he obviously wasn’t going to do it now because his mom is back in the hospital and he didn’t think it was an appropriate time.

I kind of bit my tongue in the moment, other than basically saying that I don’t want them, and have never wanted them, to know at all.

The problem is that this should NOT be new information to him.

When I was postpartum with our first child, and multiple times since then BEFORE I ever became pregnant again, I specifically told my husband that if we ever had another baby, I genuinely didn’t know if I would ever feel comfortable with his parents even knowing that I was pregnant.

I have said this numerous times.

So today I brought it up again and told him that when he said he “wanted to tell them soon, just not right now because his mom is in the hospital,” it made it sound like he had already decided they were going to be told and the only question was when.

He told me that he wouldn’t tell them without discussing it with me first. I don’t know if I fully trust that.

When it comes to his parents versus me, historically I feel like my feelings end up on the back burner because so much energy goes into worrying about their feelings, their reactions, their mental health, etc.

And even during this conversation, he told me that he would rather his parents hear directly from him that I’m pregnant than have them eventually hear it from somebody else because I start showing and someone physically sees that I’m pregnant.

And I basically told him: I genuinely do not care if that is how they find out.

I’m not saying that because I want to punish them or intentionally hurt them. I just don’t understand why protecting their feelings about how they find out should take priority over the fact that I’m not comfortable personally sharing my pregnancy with them at all.

They are not involved with our first child right now, and as things currently stand, I do not foresee them being involved with this baby either. So I genuinely don’t understand why we need to make some personal pregnancy announcement to them just so they don’t get their feelings hurt if they eventually hear it through somebody else.

I also told my husband that even IF I eventually change my mind and become comfortable with them knowing that I’m pregnant, I absolutely do not want them knowing my due date.

They can know that I’m due next year. That’s it.

I don’t want them knowing the month, approximate due date, how far along I am, appointments, pregnancy updates, or anything else that would allow them to piece together when I’m due. I do not want a repeat of what happened surrounding my labor and postpartum experience with our first baby.

And I want to acknowledge something because I know this argument could come up: I understand that this is OUR baby. He is this baby’s father and this affects his life too.

But I am also the person who is pregnant. This is happening to my body, and details about my pregnancy, due date and medical information are also information about me. I don’t feel like I should have to sacrifice my privacy and comfort so that people I currently have no relationship with don’t feel hurt about how they found out.

I’m going to talk about all of this with my therapist at my next appointment because I know there are much bigger issues underneath this. But right now I’m just frustrated and honestly stressed.

This pregnancy was completely unexpected and happened while I was already in the middle of trying to make some major changes in my life and marriage. Now on top of processing an unexpected pregnancy, I feel like I have to worry about whether my husband is eventually going to go behind my back and tell his parents because he feels guilty about them finding out from somebody else.

I guess what I need advice on is: How do you navigate something like this when your spouse sees it as sharing news about “our baby,” but you see it as sharing very personal information about your pregnancy with people you specifically do not feel safe or comfortable sharing it with?

And for anyone who has dealt with an enmeshed spouse/in-laws, how do you get your spouse to understand that preventing his parents from having hurt feelings cannot continually come at the expense of his wife’s boundaries?

I (32F) very recently got fired after finishing my maternity leave. It was a job in a very toxic environment, that I wanted to leave anyway eventually so I took it as a “kick in the butt” to go find something that will finally feel fulfilling to me.

And I found exactly what I was looking for, only a few weeks later. It’s a job that is not directly in my field of studies - but very close to it. The only catch is, I have to go back to school for it (alongside work) to get the proper education level and credentials. The extra studies will take about two years to finish.

My husband (36M) knew about it. I never hid or lied or omitted the fact, that I will have to go back to school for a while. We had a long discussion about whether I should accept this opportunity or not and he pushed me to take it. He knew how much I wanted this job. He seemed and said he was very happy for me, to finally have a job that can become my career - not just something to make ends meet. I told him that he & our kids grandma’s will have to step up for the first two years - until I finish my studies. He agreed and said we’ll make it work.

I start in two weeks and I brought up the subject to him today, so we could start figuring out the arrangements about childcare and what not.

I told him my mom (who is still working full time, mind you) offered to take our eldest to daycare & asked him to ask his mom (his mom is a lot to deal with, but she’s retired so she’s the only one who can actually jump in when we need her) to take our youngest as they will have to go to different daycares. He got frustrated by this offer, saying how he doesn’t trust any of them to hold up their end of the bargain. Which is valid, they both have been known to have their moments where they back out of an agreement in the last minute. But at the same time, I am going back to work and school full time, and he also works full time. We can’t really afford a nanny and they’re both enrolled in daycare anyway.

Anyway it spiralled from there from 0-100. Considering how it turned out I am kind of glad I didn’t bring up the issue of daycare illnesses up along the other arrangements. It ended up turning into a screaming match about how “Two years is too long” and how I better make sure I get accepted for studies into a school that offers online courses as if I have a final say in the matter. My GPA from uni was good, but if there is to many people who apply, the online school will take the people with highest score first - and I don’t know what kind of scores other applicants have.

The fight ended up with him saying how I should’ve made this move before we had kids. He was the one who pushed to have kids as soon as possible. I was fine with waiting a bit longer, but he thought his biological clock was ticking or some shit. I was essentially a SAHM mom from 2024 to now (high risk pregnancy that pit me on bedrest + mat leave), so maybe a part of that plays into this whole thing?

Am I overreacting? Am I the JustNoSO here?

My 2.5y/o was at her dad's house for a long weekend with him before he and I both go back to work (we each work in schools). I was facetiming with her one morning and saw she had a new stuffed animal. I asked her/him about it and he said that while they were grocery shopping at Walmart and older woman was following them around the store. She approached him after a while with something under her shawl and asked him if he could give this gift to our daughter. After this she ran off and he said he didn't get her name or anything, but gave the toy to our daughter.

I was furious, that's such a creepy story and absolutely unsafe behavior from an adult. I've been introducing our daughter to the idea of safe and unsafe adults and adult behaviors, and this just trampled all over that. I sent him a text saying as much after we hung up. He said he didn't mean for the story to be upsetting, and it wasn't as creepy as it sounded, but he agreed no more gifts from strangers.

I have her back now, and i'm still caught up on it. I want to ask him to tear it open to make sure there's no airtags, listening devices, or other trackers in there. If so he needs to call the police. If not, then I want the toy gone anyway so ripping it up doesn't matter.

I'm just so concerned he doesn't think this is a big deal?! I didn't think I'd have to tell a grown man who has gone through student safety and abuse training what unsafe adult behavior is.

I don't really know whether I want advice or just need to get this off my chest.

Lately, I feel like I'm carrying most of the emotional weight in my relationship. I’m the one who tries to communicate when something is wrong, makes an effort to spend time together, and thinks about how my actions affect my SO. Meanwhile, when I bring up something that bothers me, it often feels like I'm asking for too much.

The frustrating part is that there isn't one huge incident I can point to. It's all the little things that keep piling up. Promises that don't turn into actions, conversations that go nowhere, and feeling like my concerns only matter when I'm already at my breaking point.

I love this person, which honestly makes it harder. If I didn't care, I could just walk away and be done with it.

I don't expect a perfect relationship. I just want to feel like we're both actually trying.

Has anyone else been through a period where you realized the relationship felt completely one-sided? How did you figure out whether it was something that could be worked through or a sign that it was time to leave?

Husband of 9 years. 4 kids under 10 years old together - two of them are almost two year old twins) I have been a SAHM since 2017 (during which time I have gotten a masters degree and worked one year as a substitute teacher) - used to work as a critical care nurse.

Discussing financial stuff with SO…I have been asking for access to the primary checking account - where his check is deposited to - our money. I get a run around every time. Asked him if when he was growing up his dad held control of the finances….he said his mom and dad both had access to the account because…

They…both. Worked.

So….is being a SAHM not work worthy of having access to the family finances?

ETA: I manage all of the kids stuff - school, clothes, activities…etc. I just want access to the account just so I can be aware of our finances instead of him randomly telling me stuff…he said…”you just want to know…just to know.

Yes exactly - that’s what responsible adults do - they are aware of their finances.

Had to post because I’m literally just at a loss…

I’m a 40-year-old guy working in corporate compliance, originally from Rajasthan. Life is generally very stable. My fiancée (from Solan, Himachal) and I met through a matrimonial app. In April, I traveled to Solan to meet her, we started dating, and we are scheduled to get married on November 21, 2026. I’ve already finalized the wedding venue (a premium resort) and absorbed the financial liabilities.

Our families have been involved (she’s Thakur, I’m Brahmin). I’ve spent time with her father—a Pahadi farmer fighting a stressful legal battle over illegally occupied family land—and she speaks to my parents on the phone. When I proposed, we went together to Tanishq to pick out the ring, and she was genuinely very happy.

The External Stress: My fiancée works as an accountant for a failing print business. For the last two years, her boss has been severely exploiting her, paying her only 25% of her salary, and currently owes her about ₹2.5 Lakhs in arrears. She is non-confrontational and just works harder, hoping he’ll do the right thing. I’ve tried to support her emotionally, sent gifts to lift her spirits, and offered corporate strategies to freeze her extra tasks and demand her money, but she feels completely powerless to stand up to him.

The Sudden Meltdown: For the last few days, she’s been acting cold and distant. Today, I called her to check in, assuming she was just overwhelmed by the unpaid salary situation. Instead, she abruptly called off the wedding and hit me with the following:

• The Astrologer: She claimed she showed my Kundali to two different astrologers who told her that if we get married, we will constantly fight and have major issues with childbirth. (Note: My own family astrologer cleared our charts with no such issues). When I asked for the astrologers' names so I could speak with them, she refused and said it "isn't important."
• The Ring: In a very cold, practical tone, she told me to come to Solan, take my ring back, and collect all the gifts I’ve ever given her.
• Intimacy Claims: To justify breaking up, she brought up an isolated incident from early in our relationship where I had an issue keeping an erection. She then claimed that during the 10 to 12 times we were intimate, she completely faked her pleasure, felt nothing, and was just making sounds to make me feel good. I felt our connection was very genuine, so hearing her say this to rewrite our history was devastating.

My Perspective & Dilemma: I stayed calm on the phone. I didn’t yell, defend myself, or beg, but privately, I am completely stunned. Given the immense financial and family stress she is under, I strongly suspect this sudden withdrawal has less to do with astrology or our intimacy, and more to do with her feeling overwhelmed by life. It feels like she is pushing me away intentionally because the reality of the wedding is setting in and she feels out of control.

I love her and want to spend my life with her, but I feel completely helpless right now.

My Question: How do I handle a situation where a partner suddenly pushes away like this under extreme external stress? Should I respect her words at face value, drive to Solan to collect the ring, and walk away? Or should I give her space to let the stress settle before trying to communicate again? How do I best navigate this sudden breakup attempt?

TL;DR: My fiancée is under severe financial stress from an exploitative job. Today, she suddenly called off our upcoming wedding, blamed an anonymous astrologer, and made hurtful claims about our past intimacy. Looking for advice on how to handle this sudden withdrawal and whether to walk away or give her space.

I'm trying to cut him some slack because it's only been a week, but I'm already losing my mind. We just moved back in together after being apart for 3 years due to finances. I thought the mess he had at his parent's place was just due to not wanting to go upstairs to clean the dishes/take out the garbage. NOPE. Dude has the worst excuse of ADD/ADHD that I've ever seen. He refuses treatment, won't take any meds, and will not learn management skills. He's 30.

We have a small fruit fly problem due to being near the woods and I have been trying like hell to quell it. Instead of helping he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, stuff out on the counters, dishes and garbage in every shared space of our apartment. We've already discussed it several times that we need to keep this place picked up for the most part. For the last 3 days, I wake up to crap everywhere. I was told before we moved in that this wasn't going to happen. So I have started treating him like his mom did, because it's the only way things get done. Passive aggressive notes, collecting all the crap he leaves everywhere into a grocery bag and leaving it by his bed. I'm not dealing with it. He is a grown adult and is acting like he is a freshman in college.

I have a friend coming into town next week and he almost stained our brand new futon that they will be sleeping on, left crumbs all over it, and just overall not taking proper care of an item someone will literally be sleeping on a week from now.

I've been trying to rein my own emotions in because I've been overwhelmed with the move, work, and I'm also in pain from screwing up my back during said move. He knows this. We've talked about this. Yet he's like an orange cat without the shared brain cell and I can't do the thinking for the both of us.

Other than this, he's been a huge help with the move. But the mess is really starting to get to me.

My wife and I have recently reached a point where we can barely spend an hour together without arguing. Small disagreements quickly turn into a long list of older grievances and broader claims that I do not value her or care enough about her needs.

She says she has accumulated resentment because she has spent years adapting to my preferences and feels I do not do the same for her. I accept that I have made mistakes and may sometimes become defensive or focus too much on facts instead of acknowledging her feelings. I genuinely want to understand what I am doing wrong and change it.

However, I increasingly feel that nothing I do is enough. When I offer help, I am told I should have noticed sooner. When I ask her to communicate what she needs, I am told I should already know. Even when we discuss an issue and reach an agreement, it often returns later as evidence that I have failed her. I feel as though I am constantly paying off an emotional debt that only continues to grow.

I am now completely deflated and exhausted. I have lost the desire to initiate plans, spend time together, or keep defending myself against the same accusations. Part of me wants us to separate our daily responsibilities and each take care of ourselves, simply so there is less opportunity for disappointment and resentment. But I worry that this would only create more distance between us.

I know this is only my side, and I am not looking to be told that my wife is entirely wrong. I want to understand whether I am missing something important and whether this dynamic can realistically be repaired.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you break the cycle? Did couples counselling help? At what point does emotional exhaustion mean the relationship itself is no longer sustainable?

Edit: We have already tried couples therapy at my initiative, but I have found it daunting and not particularly productive. Sometimes we reach a useful agreement, but often I feel the therapist gives more weight to my wife’s perspective because she expresses her distress more visibly (usually by crying or raising her voice) while I tend to remain composed. This leaves me feeling as though my exhaustion and hurt are less credible because I express them differently. At times I find myself bitterly wishing I could cry or shout too, simply so that my feelings would receive the same empathy. I know that is not a healthy way to approach therapy, but it captures how unseen I currently feel.

Edit 2 — since people asked about our division of responsibilities:**

I handle:

- Laundry and ironing
- Most cleaning: floors, vacuuming, kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom
- Dishes and dishwasher
- Household supplies
- Bills and joint savings
- Most home maintenance and improvements

My wife handles:

- Grocery orders
- Weekly meal prep (usually one cooking session)
- Reheating breakfast in the morning
- More of the paperwork and administrative planning

We usually split travel planning and other larger administrative tasks roughly 50/50—for example, one handles visas or flights while the other handles accommodation and logistics.

I am not claiming the split is perfectly equal, but she is not managing the entire household while I simply wait to be told what to do.

Update: so in-laws have left for their new place. However, as much as they're no longer at my place. MIL still text about my well being at home. I'm still not free from her infantalization. It's like almost every week she'll text, I'm tired because I have to react/response to every of her text. Otherwise I'm getting scolded by husband. To add on, we'll visit them every week.

I can't wait for my in-laws to leave my place till their new home is ready.

Here's context my post.

She's soooo 'worried' or obsessed,she would ask how I'll reach home safely if my husband is not fetching me from work. I'm a fucking adult, I'll just fucking book Uber home. I'll handle it just fine.

I feel we're too enmeshed with the in-laws and it's been like this from the start of our marriage. Both husband and MIL need to stop with the infantalization. Stop it!!!!

And what's worse, I feel even when they've moved out, she'll still text and worry if I'm alone etc. I need like long periods of no contact with her.

My resentment is at high that I fucking hate the sound of the notification chat whenever she texts. I feel like punching both my SO and MIL.

I'm already in therapy, yet my problem won't be resolved because I can't have a sit down with my SO who has never understood me.

I am going to start by saying this is going to be a ramble because not only am I on mobile but I am using speech to text.

I got away from my ex seven years ago this month. And after the loss of the only man I've ever been able to consider a father in June, I am having to move out of state. In order to do that, I have to ask my ex permission to move my child out of state, so it's not considered kidnapping. All because being on welfare means that even though I did not put his name on the birth certificate, the state of California did when they opened a child support case, so that welfare could get the money. I didn't know that they were going to do this. If I had, I would never have gone on welfare. I sent an email to him asking for permission, but I knew it was to a burner email that he created since he only harassed me, and he never replied; so that's good.

But now I'm having to go to court, and I'm moving in less than a month because if I don't, I'll be homeless. I'm not only doing that, but I am:

1. Filing criminal charges in two states and with the FBI against him

2. Submitting all of the paperwork to get an emergency restraining order

3. Requesting emergency permission from a judge to move my child out of state to our new home because if I do not, again, we will have nowhere to live.

I have been working on this for six weeks now. I am having to relive every horrible thing he has done to me. And I'm having to do it all while taking care of my child, packing up the house that I've lived in for seven years, and mourning the loss of my dad. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, and they have been helping me. But there's only so much that can be helped, and right now I feel like I'm breaking.

Half the time, I feel so strong and competent because I'm getting it done, and because I finally have the proof and the strength I need to file the paperwork I should have filed when my son was a baby. At least now I have more evidence because he's been stalking and harassing me for the last seven years. But when I actually sit down to do the paperwork, and not just gather the evidence, but to fill everything out and to highlight everything, and I have to reread everything he's written, and I have to remember everything I've gone through, and I have to make a statement of all of the abuse. It hurts so much. And I feel so stupid for letting him hurt me again. Cause he's not even here. He's half a country away. I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's just the last time I came on here. You guys opened my eyes to everything wrong with him. And now I don't really know where else to turn because I don't have anybody in my life I can lean on.

I’m an immigrant wife living in Texas, and I’m posting here because I feel completely isolated, exhausted, and broken. I honestly just need a reality check and an outside perspective from this community because I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Since marrying my husband, I’ve experienced constant passive-aggressive comments, microaggressions, and outright disrespect from my MIL. Whenever I try to bring it up, it gets brushed off as "just her joke" or "a cultural difference."

Here are just a few examples of what I’ve been dealing with:

- When she saw Korean written on my personal belongings, she mocked my native language by saying, "If you write that in English, it might be easier to understand."

- When I was drinking matcha, she looked at it with a disgusted face and sneered, "Is it good? Not like how it looks."

- For Mother's Day, my husband prepared nothing. I bought the card and gave him cash to sign it, yet MIL made a point to thank ONLY my husband at dinner.

- Just TWO DAYS after our Korean wedding, knowing full well that I have a severe dog allergy which makes staying the night at her house impossible, she turned to my husband right in front of me and said, "Is it too late to get a new wife?" (Even though she knows that I have a severe dog allergy, she adopted another dog, and sometimes she even fosters dogs at her house. Since she got more dogs, even if I take multiple allergy pills, my throat swells up and my eyes get swollen within four hours.)

- She also drops comments like, "He’s mine. You might think he’s yours, but he’s mine."

- When we first told her about our Korean wedding, her immediate response was, "In the US, the bride’s family pays for everything. How are you guys going to handle it?" So my family paid for the ENTIRE Korean wedding. Beforehand, she nosily pried into exact details about how much money my parents were giving us as a wedding gift. She then gave us an amount that was barely 1/20th of what my parents gave, yet acted so immensely proud of herself. But when I mentioned traditional Korean wedding gift customs from the MIL, she went completely silent.

- For our small US wedding in her backyard, she offered to cover the costs. Since brides in Korea typically rent their dresses, I needed a dress specifically for the US wedding. When I asked if she could buy my dress, she sneered, "It depends on how much it costs," and sent me links to $100–$200 cheap dresses. To make matters worse, during our American reception while I was seated at the Mr. and Mrs. table, she looked me dead in the eye and deliberately repeated a specific behavior that I had explicitly told her beforehand was humiliating in my culture.

- At our Korean wedding, she constantly invaded my privacy. She demanded to change her clothes inside my private bridal suite—even though a clean, spacious single-use restroom was right outside—and kept knocking while I was actively changing. When I briefly left the suite, she snuck inside, climbed onto my bridal platform, and took photos of herself posing on it. When I politely told her later that this made me uncomfortable, she just gave a casual "Oh!" and moved on without a care

- Right after our American wedding, during a dinner with both families, my MIL boasted about how she was going to "teach my family about American culture"—despite my brother and SIL living in the US for over 20 years, myself for 6, and my mom visiting a dozen times. At that same meal, she asked if anyone wanted to try a dish. When I asked for a bit, my MIL looked right at me in front of everyone and deadpanned, "If you act right." Who says that to an adult daughter-in-law in front of her entire family?

- When she flew to Korea to attend our Korean wedding, despite having a Korean daughter-in-law and being hosted by my family, she actually referred to the body of water there as the "Sea of Japan." Calling the East Sea by that name while standing in Korea isn't just an innocent mistake—it’s insulting and felt so intentional.

- What makes it even worse is my husband’s response. He has ADHD, which means processing information takes him longer, but it has turned into a nightmare. Every single time his mother makes these out-of-line comments, my husband literally freezes. Later on, he completely "forgets" the conclusions and boundaries we fought over for days, acting like he’s hearing them for the very first time. I end up having the exact same exhausting fight over 7 times, while he acts oblivious every single time.

Now, instead of actually validating my feelings and processing the trauma with me, my husband just tries to sweep everything under the rug with shallow distractions—offering to buy me food, give me massages, or asking "What do you want to do together?" But superficial favors won't fix this. When I want us to have space from his mother for the sake of our marriage, his response was, "But my mom is almost 70."

Meanwhile, my MIL keeps sending self-centered, guilt-tripping texts like: "I love you. I miss you. I wish I understood how this silence is helpful." When my husband visited her alone, she was asking, "Is this meant to punish me? Because if so, it’s working," proving she STILL views our boundaries entirely as a personal attack against her rather than respecting our need for space.

When I finally spoke up for the first time about how much pain she was causing me, her response was to play the victim. She claimed she was "hurt" because I wasn't "participating" with her. She then tried to brush all her bad behavior under the rug by saying, "But the food on our last trip was so good! The weather was so nice! Let's just be thankful for the good things." When I told her that ignoring real problems like this is classic Toxic Positivity, she sent us a massive text essay looking up definitions of "Toxic Positivity," bragging about her spiritual disciplines, her daily prayers, her "Responsibility" personality trait, and weaponizing her relationship with her sister to guilt-trip us into staying connected. She claims she wants a healthy relationship, yet shifts all the focus to how she is suffering. She asked my husband later if he actually agreed with her long, self-serving essay, he admitted that he DID agree with her.

Yesterday, I texted my husband, "I think I’m scared about talking about the MIL situation because I think I will be crying again." He replied, "Keep your chin up. You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay." When I told him, "I feel like everybody will be ok but me," he just completely stopped responding. When I followed up hours later asking why he went silent, his response was cold and technical: "I already said my opinion that you’ll be okay. You didn’t ask a question."

I’ve been away from home for a full week now just to breathe, and I'm honestly terrified every time he texts me. Every text from him feels scary because he completely avoids talking about what happened, refuses to address the issue, and just wants to brush it all under the rug with superficial gestures. We are scheduled to talk on the phone tomorrow, but just the thought of going back home makes me start crying and feel sick to my stomach. Home is supposed to be a safe place, but I feel so unprotected and scared to go back.

Am I crazy? Is passive-aggressive disrespect, condescension toward immigrants, and microaggressions considered a normal "joke" or "culture" here in Texas? How do you handle a spouse who completely freezes, uses ADHD to forget boundaries, enables his mother's self-centered guilt trips, and treats your emotional distress like a technicality?

TW: mental health, mention of suicide

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and was very happy during most of that time.

Recently we started having some issues, I’m going through a difficult time period and am really stressed so I’m not really as interested in sex right now and last night we had an argument about it where he was rude because he felt insecure and like I wasn’t into him anymore because of that, even when I clearly said that’s not the reason

He also has mental health issues and basically depends on just me to get all his happiness which is EXHAUSTING. Like only spending time with me, getting extremely upset when we can’t see each other, he even said he would’ve ended his life if it weren’t for me which makes me feel horrible

When we have arguments, he can’t make himself feel better on his own. When it happens, I just want to go be alone and get some space, but he can’t do that. He wants to stay up until like 2 am (usually arguments happen at night) until everything is resolved and if I leave he just won’t feel better but I will

I’m not sure about this relationship anymore, but I’m scared. I will feel like it’s my fault if anything happens and I feel kinda trapped and have no idea what to do :( I don’t know if I wanna end it, I would like to work on it first and see, but I don’t have much hope that it will last anymore and I’m so scared of leaving, but this feels more like a chore than anything else at this point

Also, I feel really bad about this, but I’ve been wondering what it would be like to be with a girl one day which started after these issues, he’s my first relationship and we are 20, so I haven’t really had any time to explore and jumped into this at 15, but I also love him and I don’t know. I’m really confused. If I got out, I don’t think I would date for a long time

Am I a bad person or would I be for potentially ending it?

Also edit: I should say that I feel kind of obligated to stay. He bought me a promise ring a few months ago, my parents like him, his parents like me, everyone in my family knows about him, we have shared friends and plans for the future and I’m scared of disappointing all those people

so after my last post a couple days later we got back together. honestly i dont even know why. i dumped him about a week ago now because i finally realized what he was doing to me. he let his friends shit talk me and disrespect me, told me to my face he would look at other women, and was literally texting other women when we were together. yet i stayed. i regret it i do but after so much crying i cant cry over him anymore. i let him live with me i paid to fix his car i did so much for nothing in return. but at this point i see this as a learning opportunity. it showed me how much i can love and care for somebody and showed me how i want a partner to be in the future. so much happened in our relationship that im just not gonna talk about because im already over it. im only 18 and have so much ahead of me i want to see other men and see women too. i want to explore and make friends and not worry about an insecure man at my house. i still have some of the pictures and the coke bottle from vegas with our names on it because im not ready to let that go yet but im finishing getting the rest of his stuff out of my house right now. i know it might be dumb to not let some things go but i wasnt ready to leave him until it was just too much for me. i genuinely believe overtime ill be able to just throw those things away but having them is comforting in a way. i dont want him to have it i want to have it because of the memories. not the bad memories but the good memories that can help me understand and progress in life as a better person