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u/meetparallelapp 22h ago
Forget the new guy for a second contacting her family after one day of no replies is probably the bigger issue here. Do you think you might be moving way too fast?
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u/Pirolambro 22h ago
Yeah man, in hindsight it is way too quick but I kinda got anxiety and abandonment issues and stuff so I panicked at the first sign of abandonment...
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u/meetparallelapp 22h ago
Yeah that makes a lot more sense. Anxiety can make one unread message feel like the end of the world 😭 Are you gonna give her some space now and see if she reaches out?
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u/Pirolambro 21h ago
Well, I mean I kinda have the past couple days I've drastically decreased the amount of messages I've been sending to try and let her reach out to me a little more but she hasn't been doing so...😔
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u/PUNKF10YD 21h ago
“And I got in contact with a couple family members trying to get to her, they all kinda ignored me, and when she finally replied it was telling me that she was really busy that day and her phone was dead and she had no internet and she was really tired and going to bed.”
This screams to me that she’s scared of you and is using literally any excuse to get you to stop. She listed 3 unrelated excuses in a row. Phone dead, no internet, tired. And her family ignoring you? Good on them. I would too. I don’t think you’re ready for dating. You need to work on yourself more. You clearly have no trust or confidence in yourself or others
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u/Pirolambro 21h ago
Yeah, your kinda right, I need to back down here, I mean, you all have definitely opened my eyes quite a bit, this truth is harsh, but real at least, thank you all...
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u/Amaleine 17h ago
I really think you need to consider if she is going to slowly ghost you. I know you say "in a relationship," but, I think she is second guessing that status.
Anyone that cares about you and is excited to date you, would be finding time to reach out, even if she is with family.
I hope you can see that even if it was exciting, and fun to start, that a relationship needs to meet your needs. Please don't settle for crumbs or let her drag you along just because you really really like her.
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u/metalzforbreakfast 18h ago
kids getting in long distance relationships at 14 lol what the fuck is going on
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u/MountainSecurity9508 23h ago
Haha, account created 31 minutes ago?
What’s this language you are using my dude. Feels like you’ve been gobbling up pick up artist nonsense.
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u/Pirolambro 23h ago
Oh, hey man,.yeah I created this account just so I could ask the masters of reddit because there ain't no way that reddit can't tell me if I'm right or wrong, also thanks for replying so quick.
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u/MountainSecurity9508 23h ago
You are 14.5 in a long distance relationship that you started 8 days ago. She is already ghosting you.
This is not a relationship to be holding onto.
Why are you calling family members dude? Take a step back, if after 8 days someone stops messaging you. Let it go, this is creepy behaviour.
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u/Everyday-Witch 23h ago
It really is creepy behaviour. If someone I was with for such a short amount of time messaged my friends or family, it would be over for me.
OP, you will scare her away if you continue with this behaviour.
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u/Pirolambro 22h ago
Yeah man, in hindsight it is way too quick but I kinda got anxiety and abandonment issues and stuff so I panicked at the first sign of abandonment...
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u/SpookyTriangle 19h ago
You mean you are 14 years old? You shouldn't be wasting your time trying to get in a long distance relationahip.
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u/Pirolambro 19h ago
one question, why? why shouldn't i? what time am i wasting? i spend most of my time on my computer, doing chores, or exercising, what's wrong trying to secure my future and add something to look forward to in life? because my life has truly gotten better ever since we got together, i have been pushing myself to be better, forcing one more rep in my workout. so when you look at it logically, my calender is pretty vast/empty.
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u/Think-Experience6085 19h ago
I think this relationship is too young to say that it’s truly a “relationship”. Especially seeing her reaction to how you dealt with this it seems like it won’t be moving forward in the future and I think that is ok. I think for now it’s important to admit that this won’t continue and move forward especially bc you are still 14.5 and you will continue to meet new people in the future.
Although I am still 20 (F) I would like to give you some advice about the things you discussed on your post and I think it would be really good to take into consideration what you think makes sense. Take time to think about it tho bc it may be quite different from what you think and what you’ve experienced.
1) I think you are quite young to put LDR into consideration. Bc of your age it is extremely likely that you will develop new views in life and meet new people. You will go through many different stages of life before becoming an adult and each stage really changes who you are and your values. With distance in the mix it makes it very hard to continue a relationship unless you have extremelyyyyy good communication. Maintaining a good relationship in person is already quite difficult especially at a younger age. Doing LDR makes the relationship at a max difficulty boss level so I don’t think it would be wise to consider it at this age.
2) I think it is important to really pace yourself in the beginning. A few days of a relationship is still extremely new and if you didn’t have any friendship with them beforehand you won’t know them well enough. I think this is hard to here but please hear me out. I can truly say this from personal experience bc I used to not be able to pace myself. I think you have to be cautious bc sharing too much and feeling too flirtatious in the beginning can cause an illusion that you know them really well and really like them when you still don’t know them deep enough. I like to think about this outside of romance but how long did it take you to truly learn about your best friend? All the way to their dreams and ambitions to their deepest fears and struggles. Even if the relationship does continue it would most likely be less strong compared to when you pace yourself.
3) talking about your emotions is really good but I also want you to be a little careful about the depth of your topic. In this case too it’s easiest to think of in friendships. Me personally I wouldn’t talk about my deepest emotions and experiences to someone I just met. I would get to know them better and learn about who they are now and after getting comfortable I’ll start talking about some more heavier topics. Sharing about yourself and opening up about your emotions is really really important but if the topic is too heavy and presented too quickly it may cause them to get scared.
4) don’t worry about who they follow. It can quickly go from just experiencing your own anxiety to restricting what they do. People are bound to follow other people regardless of gender. It may be scary but that is something that you have to accept. You can never get past that anxiety if you do not accept the fact. With that said I would be weary if the content of what they follow is questionable (ie men following a bunch of girls in bikinis).
5) don’t be worried if you get left on read. It’s bound to happen bc people get busy. It might not be as common at 14.5 years but for me I get busy and sometimes I can’t respond in the moment but I read the text. It’s best to just assume they are busy and hope for the best. And while you are waiting don’t let the overthinking spiral get to you. You should state the facts of your current situation while also remembering that most people don’t start hating the people around them in an instant. Me personally I only leave people on read bc life got busy and I didn’t get the chance to respond but I still love my friends. With that said tho it is good to be wary if they don’t respond after a day or 2 and doesn’t explain why they couldn’t respond.
6) contacting family members this early on is quite the red flag and even more so bc you’re asking them to get through to her. If I was her family member I would be extremely concerned and would not want the girl to be dating that person. It is scary. I want you to think about it on your side. Let’s say that you were really busy that day with your family and you haven’t been able to check your phone. Multiple family members tell you that they got in contact with a mysterious girl who is trying to talk to you bc you won’t respond. You might feel nice but how about this situation. You are spending time with your family and suddenly you get a text from a young guy about your daughter and how he’s trying to get in touch bc she won’t contact him and you hear that other family members are getting contacted too. That’s pretty scary.
Obviously this is only through my own experience and research and there may be things that do not apply. However I do want you to think about what I’ve written and consider if they could help. I really hope this helps and I really hope that you do well in the future.
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u/Pirolambro 17h ago
oh my god, thank you for such thoughtful insight, i knew the reddit gods would answer my prayers, you were just the explanation i was looking for, you broke it down in multiple different reasons, and made it very clean and in detail, you didn't just say "what the hell, why are you doing this?" or get angry/frustrated, you just explained each thing i messed up on, didn't shame me or anything, thank you very much! but i have just one more question, if i could potentially fix this whole fustercluck that i got going on, how could i? because honestly she is a very kind girl and i really do see a future here, and this is the longest and real relationship I've had, I've had a couple in the past that went for like 1 or 2 days, then left me... and i don't wanna screw this one up, because i feel that god answered my prayers at a good time and said "here you go, kid. don't screw it up." so i feel this may be my only opportunity to have a happy future...
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u/annonsballs69 15h ago
19F here, I don’t really think it’s in your hands to fix, if she’s interested then it’ll continue, if not then what can you do. Just keep doing what your doing, being lowkey, and see if she comes back to take the lead, don’t wait too long and don’t get your hopes up too much
I definitely won’t be one to tell you not to date, all my friends were dating at your age and I really wanted to, my first “serious relationship” started just after I turned 15 and we were also long distance. It obviously didn’t workout bc something like that RARELY will, but we are still friends, so it’s not impossible to at least have some kind of relationship with her if you both wanted that
I agree with everyone else, you are young and you will change so much over these next couple of years. 13 vs 15 me were two completely different people, 15 v 17 & 17 v 19 are all completely different people, and I have a feeling 21 year old me will be new person as well
Either way just do what makes you happy but DEFINITELY relax going forward lol, I have some anxiety but one of my issues specifically is getting OVERLY upset about something and reacting without giving myself time to think it through and calm down. It’s fine to feel so intensely sometimes, but don’t react right away, take some time, talk it out with someone, write about it, go on a jog, then come back and approach it responsibly. I believe this could at least help with your major anxiety and anxious attachment style
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u/Pirolambro 14h ago
wow, okay, thank you very much, all this info is so very helpful, i didn't think i would learn so much from one post😭 but should i like, apologize for if i made her scared/uncomfortable? because i feel like i should, because that definitely feels like a responsible thing to do, owning up to something you did wrong is definitely mature.
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u/hibiscus_lilac 7h ago
Your parents desperately need to restrict your Internet access and get you to a therapist
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u/Pirolambro 6h ago
Uhh... No? I'm not being brainwashed or groomed or nothing like that, I'm just asking for relationship advice bro, chill out bro. And if it makes you feel any better, she is fully ignoring me now, only leaving me on read.
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u/Sufficient_Hall_4435 3h ago
You are 14. 14!!!! Why on earth would you consider a LDR? Because you cannot think straight, obviously... You can't provide for yourself. You are not an adult yet. You are not mature. At your age you should focus on other stuff. From what I have read, you have self steam issues, you are anxious and insecure. Honestly I would focus on myself if I were you. You need to find out who you want to be as a person. If you can I strongly suggest therapy. The way you were dealing with that "relationship" was not right. Looks like you didn't have a good reference at home. That means you will hurt yourself and the other person in the future. You should focus in school and self development before you think about getting a girlfriend that lives near your. Getting one that doesn't, it's really NOT an option. It is totaly unrealistic. Also what you are doing is extremely dangerous. But I won't even go through that. Please stop that right now. You can have many friends but you are not ready for a relationship. I hope you understand that we care about you. Nothing else. 🌻
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u/Pirolambro 22h ago
Yeah, I kinda have abandonment issues and anxiety and the last few relationship attempts that I've had they either ghosted me or just told me they didn't like me anymore and this is my first serious relationship.so I got freaked out at the thought of all that BS happing all over again...
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u/PUNKF10YD 21h ago
Hey wow ok. You’re a red flag here and I’ll tell you why. It’s been 10 days. 10. Not even two weeks. That’s not a relationship, that’s not long enough to say “she’s cheating” as nothing has happened, nothing has been started yet. Also and I need everyone in the world to hear me say this:
FOLLOWING PEOPLE ON SOCILA MEDIA ISNT CHEATING AND THE FACT THAT YOU CARE IS WEIRD AND CONTROLLING
Also another huge red flag is that you called her family????? CALM DOWN. RELAX. You need to turn down your speed by multiple factors here.