i will be speaking about SA in this.

i plan to go to therapy soon but i don’t have a clear idea when i will be able to go, so this will have to do for now. recently, my girlfriend told me something abt her last relationship. what she described was definitely SA, but she didn’t seem to realize. she when she told me, i was drunk, and told her bluntly that it was SA. i feel bad abt it now because i should’ve been more strategic and careful abt how i told her. i’m the only person she has ever spoken to abt this and i need advice on how to support her. she also doesn’t have the ability to go to therapy right now. ever since we spoke about it it’s been bothering her badly and i want to help her.

additionally, learning this has been really hard for me too. the thought of someone doing what they did to her makes me sick to my stomach. i’ve been trying not to burst into tears every time i think about it.

I mean this in the overthinking way, i have thoughts of harming myself just to make others feel bad
A trigger so small can cause my mental system straight to suicide or harming myself. I want people to feel bad the way they made me feel bad even if it was minuscule

I have been diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD and depression.
i'm on anti depressants and have been for a couple months now

i just want to know if there's anything i can do to stop these thoughts of if it's something i will have to live with the rest of my life.

I 24f have been battling with anxiety and depression since i was 6, but I got a lot better dealing with it a couple months ago. I think my family is highkey pushing me back towards it, and it is not looking so well. I am not able to find a job due to my nationality in a foreign country (companies do not allow me to work unless i have a permit that costs 2.5k dollars)

I have been taking commissions that pay really badly because I'm a beginner and my family is not accepting it. you can say I am a black sheep of the family because I am not as smart and successful as they are. whenever I make an artwork and show it to my brother, he would never praise it and instead would completely shred me with criticism. I used to get jobs that pay me above average but would fire me on the second month because of my nationality. My mom keeps saying I play games all day and i dont take courses to get better, and my older brother is banning me from the internet after 1:00AM even though I am 24. I just feel like I have a victim mindset, but I really don't want to do anything about it. I just want to do things at my own pace. I don't think my family likes me because at this point I am just an unnecessary fat freeloader that eats all their food.

I'm a high school student (F) and don't have many very close friends, I actually have 2 and I really only tell one of them a lot of my issues. I constantly feel like a burden or like I talk too much and that I should figure things out all on my own. However, I think I may be depressed. I have been self harming for a bit and thoughts of ending things have been more and more frequent. I feel like as much as I can be a burden for others, when it comes to them I think I usually notice when something is wrong and try my best to help. Yet, when it comes to me it feels like I have to beg for help which is hard to do when you're having such strong feelings. Has anyone felt similar things and figured it out on their own or did they turn to the friends they did have? Any advice helps.

TW. Suicide, self harm, ed(?). Like I mentioned in the title, I’ve recently been relapsing with SH and suicidal thoughts. I’ve attempted twice before, but I’m still here. Sometimes I’m happy for it, sometimes I’m not. I don’t want to live, but I’m scared of death. I also can’t see a future for myself even though I talk about it a lot.

It’s been a struggle, I’m getting more and more anxious everyday about the smallest things and I feel like crying every time I open my mouth. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, but I don’t want to tell her anything because I’m scare. I don’t want my mom to know, and I don’t want to go into more intense therapy. The place I’m going to is used to handling sever cases, and they’re thinking of sending me to communal therapy because I don’t seem that unwell. But I lie too much. I don’t tell her important things like how I feel suicidal or feel like I might have some form of ocd, autism, or adhd.

I know I need to stop lying and say that everything’s okay, but it’s already been hard for me to open up during our sessions. (I do my best to seem happy and there, even when I’m zoning out.) I hate how I feel after because I never feel better and it just feels worse. I feel worse and my thoughts keep spiralling after every time I’m there. I hate it. I have a fear of death, but at the same time, it seems so freeing. To the point where I read about near death experiences just to know I’ll be free. They all talk about how peaceful they felt, and that they were happy.

It feels like my life is wasted. And I hate that I don’t trust myself around sharp objects, especially when I’m studying to become a chef. It’s also ironic that I’m going to study nutrition after bc I punish myself by denying myself food all the time. It’s annoying, it’s so so annoying to feel this way. I can’t talk about it with words because I can barely speak. I hate it. I like my therapist as a person, but I’m so scared that I won’t be believed or she’ll be disappointed. I think I feel like this because when I told my mom, she seemed almost disappointed that I’d try to off myself, and then the next day when I made food. She made a joke about how she couldn’t eat this if I was dead. Which hurt, but I didn’t say anything. I love my mom, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to tell anyone anything because it hurts to talk about.

There’s probably more I should mention, but I can’t think of it.. Sorry for the long text and yapping. I couldn’t add more fairs, but support and encouragement would be nice. Please do ignore if there are any spelling mistakes or sentences don’t make sense. It’s pretty late and I’m really tired. I just needed to get this out of my head, even though I know I’ll be spiralling after this post.

Have a nice day, and thank you for reading. I appreciate being seen :) <3

I (14m) feel so happy rn but there's still something lingering idk i don't really feel happy but on the other hand you get what i mean, so I was annoyed since I stubbed my toe so hard my toenail fell off, then I lost my only jacket, and then where it really went down was when I realized how much my mom(with alzheimers) has worsened, she can barely talk and, I was real down, I go to a thing where we learn how to save ppl and I was zoned out the entire time, NONE, of my friends said anything, they looked, they definitely noticed, we come to a halt and an instructor speaks up, the entire group(9th, 10th and 11th grade) was standing there as the instructor explained what we were gonna do, then one of the girls in my class asks "are you okay?" And before I can say "yeah I'm fine" the tears just start flowing, and i couldn't hold it in anymore, then a second girl out of my class joined, we walked away from the group and then I bawl my eyes out into their shoulders while they hug me, we talk about it for a couple minutes, thought i was done, boom, a second wave of tears, and after that we sit down, both of them on either side with me and i keep venting and then yeah, I started feeling better, we do the drills, get split into groups of three, I was still with them, and we did a group search for a injured man, we find him, question him, put him on a thing to hold him and we get him into a car, then we three walk back in the rain, and hug, one of them tells me i can talk to her anytime, the other says that i can also talk to her, hug again and split up, and now I'm here, I really liked it, now I think I'm addicted hugs, I want more, biblical levels of greed frfr, and my tummy feels good weird and now after writing this im happy, this is a bit of a mess of writing but I hope its fine, if its hard to read sorry, thank you for reading this, and I think im catching feelings, I wanna talk more to them because I have so much on my mind but its too late and i dont wanna bother them, and im scared if i start talking too much well....i dont wanna be annoying, when could i talk again without sounding annoying or anything like that?

But I have school tomorrow and I hope i wake up to a couple replies, love yall, goodnight

I'm a trans man, 22, and I'm in the process of getting diagnosed, part of that is to have a meeting where they invole close family that can be there to offer support.
I brought my parents, who I knew were not too bad but as of my understanding not supportive either, mom has been trying a bit and I know/see that

The meeting kida caught me having my guard way too high. They were super chill about it all, they are simply just taking there sweet long time, I came out to them 4 years ago.
During the meeting mom said that I don't usually reach out for things that aren't practical that I need help with. Not in a demanding I need to know how you're doing way though but just noticing it and how my wife is more emotionally open with her
I stated that is was because of a fear of being ignored or pushed away as when I was younger my mom would always say "if you're gonna cry go to your room, I don't wanna see you" or "How do you think you being sad makes me feel?!" and I said those thing to her during the meeting and all I got back was just "I don't remember having ever said anything like that, I don't know where you have gotten that from"
My therapist came in and said that maybe it's because of my autism (that I'm also in the process of getting on paper) there was a miss in what she meant and how I precived it but that that still caused me to hide away with my feelings rather than sharing them, which is probably very true

Now to my question, because it went so well and they are actually accepting and wants to support me the best I can I want to work on lowering my guard because also constantly keeping it up is problematic too for different reasons

Thing is I have always struggeled opening up emotionally to anyone not just my parents even though they caused it. It took me like a year to feel ok sharing some emotional things/struggles with my now wife which I also wanna work more on because that has kinda revered and gotten worse again...
With her also not doing great mentally right now whenever I've shared my emotions I've just gotten shut down as her emotions are more important to talk about or she's trying to compare who has it ""worse"" or she will try to give me logic and solutions when I don't want anything other than someone to just listen
Right now the only thing I can share my emotions with is my journal I've kept for about 5-6 years now

I really want to be able to feel free and okay talking about emotions with those close to me but I feel like whenever I do I just make situations worse and it would have just been better if I had not shared anything at all...

Hey everyone! I’ve been on sertraline for about 27 days now, so technically around 3.8 weeks. I’m taking it mainly for panic disorder, anxiety, derealization, and rumination.

For some background, I’m 22 and I’ve been dealing with panic disorder, anxiety, and derealization for about four years now. Before that, I honestly had no anxiety at all. It started one day after I graduated high school and started attending college full-time while working full-time. I woke up feeling completely off, like nothing was real. I had heart palpitations, was scared to answer the phone, and suddenly felt like I couldn’t function normally at work anymore.

At the time, I was working in a contact center at a school, and the environment was honestly awful. Supervisors were extremely strict, and some of the students calling in were mean or even threatening. It was very stressful and toxic. I stayed with the same company for a few years but moved between different roles.

Over time, I started having more physical symptoms too. I developed a tremor when I try to smile, and I get really anxious before social situations, especially larger groups like my husband’s family. I got married last September and we have a happy marriage, and his family is genuinely kind and safe, but I still get intense anxiety leading up to seeing them. Once I’m actually there, I’m usually okay, but the anticipation can feel overwhelming.

I left that job around three months ago and now work remotely, but I still have to interact with that company sometimes. Even just that can bring back really bad feelings and anxiety. I’ve been in therapy for two years, did EMDR for childhood trauma, and I’m about to start EMDR again because I think I may have work-related trauma that I didn’t realize was affecting me this much.

Overall, sertraline has been pretty awesome compared to when I tried Buspar and paroxetine (horrible: I felt disoriented, depressed, extremely anxious, couldn’t function at all). I’ve actually seen real results with this one, which feels huge after struggling for so long.

By week two, I noticed that my derealization started lifting, and my rumination was not as constant or intense. I didn’t really have physical side effects at first other than increased anxiety during the first week. I still had anxiety around social outings, but I felt noticeably better than before. I also feel like I can romanticize my life and enjoy little things again, which I haven’t been able to do in a long time.

Then last Friday, I was lying down and out of nowhere I got hit with really intense rumination and panic that I couldn’t shake. It eventually got better, but this whole weekend I was ruminating a lot more again. On Sunday, I went out with my husband and sisters and it actually went well. I still had a few small moments where I felt like my mouth could start twitching from anxiety or panic, but I was okay. I also didn’t use propranolol, which is something I usually need sometimes for social situations.

Since Friday, though, I’ve been getting waves of sadness and a little hopelessness. I just want to feel better and finally get out of the anxiety I’ve been living with for the past four years. I’ve also started having pretty bad diarrhea and some nausea, which I didn’t have when I first started sertraline.

Did anyone else experience a random dip like this around weeks 3 to 4, especially after initially feeling improvements? Did the sadness, anxiety spikes, nausea, or diarrhea pass for you? What was life like after you got through this part? Please let me know so I can daydream about better days lol.

Overall, I don’t feel horrible, and I do see improvements, especially with derealization and rumination. It’s mostly that fear of slipping backward that gets to me. Support would be lovely during this time, thank you. :(❤️

I’ve been struggling with depression for years now. I’m freshly out of the military and struggling financially, while everything that can go wrong (and cost me even more money I don’t have) seems to want to go wrong. I’m in trade school to try to eventually get myself out of this hole I’m in, but meanwhile I’m broke and stuck at home, just contemplating how damn lonely and stressed and anxious I feel all the time.

My last relationship was sabotaged by my ex roommate, which is a whole other story (I can add the details if anyone wants to hear that whole ordeal). I know I should take some time to work my life out before worrying about someone else but i went from having a girlfriend and always being around like 2000 other people, to seeing maybe ten people during class for a few hours then going home and being alone for literally all the rest of my time.

I try to block my thoughts with doomscrolling, nicotine, and “self satisfaction” to no avail. I’ll be watching a video or something then just suddenly feel like a massive weight is bearing down on me and I have all these depressing and horrible thoughts. They range from ways I could end myself and like whole scenarios that would play out of if I did it, to thinking horrible things about myself in general.

I have enough mental fortitude and think logically enough to know better than to think that way, and I know I’m not as bad as I think I am, but the fact that I’m fighting my subconscious thoughts like that is just so overwhelming.

Aside from that, I feel exhausted all the time, and when I’m not able to be around other people, I just seem to lose all motivation. I’d go for a walk or something but the area I’m in isn’t exactly known for its public safety, and anything else costs money I don’t have.

I guess I’m just trying to see if anyone else has felt anything similar, and how you pushed through it all.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

Hey guys so my mental health has been going down exponentially and it got so bad today where I almost relapsed so I was wondering if there’s a way I can talk to a therapist or something online anonymously and free? Ik it’s a lot but if there’s anything like that anywhere it would help

I have DPDR from smoking weed and the most disressing symptom i get is this feeling that I am constantly on a boat or I am bobbing around in the water or something like that. Is there any way I can make this go away? Or atleast relieve it somewhat? Please help

TLDR at the bottom, sorry

Hey all,

After missing my place to study Maths at a very prestigious UK university, I have been feeling really disappointed and have lost all my ambition. I think this has also caused my self-confidence & imposter syndrome to come back.

Even preparing my application and preparing for my interviews made me wonder if I was even remotely good enough to apply. You could imagine my surprise at seeing that, out of ~2300 people, I was one of the ~530 to be given a conditional offer. Because of my disadvantaged background, I believed that they gave me that place because they felt bad for me.

Fast forward to May/June, majority of exams do not go well. This exam year series was really difficult, (my friends/people online thought the same, I’m not saying this just because I sat the tests), but I also couldn’t bring myself to sit down and properly study. I felt quite stressed and overwhelmed, making plans and schedules I never stuck to. I also gave up near the end.

It wasn’t much of a surprise to see that I had been rejected. I achieved A\*AA but needed 2A\*A. I know I shouldn’t be sad because I brought this upon myself, but I don’t know how to stop feeling like a failure. I don’t understand why I gave up, or why I didn’t try hard enough when it mattered most.

I also think my ego has been hurt, and although I never boasted about my grades, I feel like I deserved this to happen to me because maybe I have hurt people and it’s just karma getting to me. I don’t like that I wasn’t good enough to do well on those tests. I don’t want to think that my “intelligence” is limited to this level. I don’t want to be limited. I was working at the A* level for that subject for the entire 2 years I was in “college” (school for 16-18 year olds). This school was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I will never get. I will never be 18 again and do my undergrad at this university. I will never learn undergrad maths at the volume and rate students there will. And I will not have the amount of opportunities they will be offered. It’s not that I am jealous of them or hold animosity towards them. I just hate myself for not being good enough to be among them. I feel like a failure and disappointment to my parents and teachers who were so excited for me. Everyone knew about this and I’m super embarrassed and wish I never applied there.

How do I deal with this? I don’t think I will ever reverse the damage this has done to my academic and self confidence. I am reapplying to university and I do not care where I end up anymore.

TLDR: I got an offer from a prestigious university, missed my grade requirements and this has triggered immense stress & self confidence issues I don’t know how to fix.

I'm not even a masturbation or sex addict but rather attention starved? An attention addict ?

I hate it I really do I always feel dirty, before doing it, meanwhile, after, I never even finish cause I hate it it always grosses me out before or I give up

But I want the attention, I want to do it and post it and have people dm me and say they wanna rpe me and make me like it, I know it's fucked up I know I know I KNOW I'm no stranger to sexual assault

My first kiss was at like 12/13 peer pressure that escalated to oral just because I didn't knew how to say no, I agreed to kiss but things started going forward and I fawned/freezed

(I don't rly remember)

Then I didn't even kiss anyone else untill around 18/19 where I got fucked up drunk (as usual, that was my daily drinking era) with a group of classmates and they said "cover your eyes and guess who kissed you" I laughed and said nothin, just kept nervous giggling as they covered my eyes, the "friend" who kissed me then I'm pretty sure had it planned, they always liked me

(Liked me in a fucked up way, manipulative, aggressive sometimes (one time they shoved and pinned me to a wall) said (often) that my sh scars were sexy, drew me crying, and overall had lil things that pushed boundaries like sometimes I would let them doodle on me in class and they would subtly start pulling up my shorts to see scars on my thighs and if I got mad they got offended and I ended up apologizing and so on )

Yet for some reason I sometimes fantasize of actually being assaulted, idk why

Sometimes I just want to feel like I have a reason to be as fucked up as I am, that maybe if I actually get traumatized by something important I would have a valid reason to be so scared and disgusted by sex

Sometimes I want it to happen??? I know I don't ,I know it's not something I actually want but sometimes just start thinking, I think that maybe if I get forced, maybe if someone makes me do it, maybe if someone just rpes me and makes me like it by force I would be fixed, that I just need to have someone fix me, that if I get rped till I orgasm I would start liking it and I would forget Abt everything and just need be shown "see, you liked it, you like it."

Sometimes it's fantasizes that I choose to think even if they are gross, but sometimes the thought just pops in my mind and makes feel awful, the idea makes me distraught to the point of making me so scared of what it means, I've gotten thoughts Abt being rped by family or people around, sometimes just random sexual images of strangers walking near me and I get so disgusted with myself, I don't like it I hate it but if I get thoughts like that I think them over and over sometimes cause I can't get them unstock untill I do something, sometimes to see if I actually like them to ask myself " is this arousing you?? Are you a freak into this??", cause why else would they keep popping up in my mind ? What type of freak am I to think that over and over? So I re think and re think untill I figure out if I thought it cause I'm a sex freak that enjoys it or if it was just like a random thought

I don't like it I don't like masturbating I don't like sex I just need to be wanted and want to want sex, I want to like masturbating the way normal ppl do, I don't want sexual thoughts to distress me, I don't want to be so scared of it

I also fear what it could mean in a romantic relationship I want to be in love and I want to be close with someone, tenderness romance all that, yet I fear I would feel as grossed out as I am with myself after masturbating if I do so and that that in a way makes me so unlovable, what else would I have to offer ?

I hope this doesn't violate any rules.

I recently got something from a friend who gets these prescribed. I originally intended to use them recreationally just for funsies but it made my symptoms so much better. It's not like I experienced a "high" or any euphoric feelings, I just had the feeling that I'm back to my old self, like when I have my rare good days or before it all started. I felt like I was suddenly unburdened from my condition and gained all my mental functions back.

Problem is that it is not a drug that is officially prescribed from my condition. So there is no way that my doctor would give this to me normally. But I also think that it's a whole can of worms that I have to unpack if I were to mention it; because it's undeniably illegal for me to have taken this and also then I would have to talk about recreational drug use (which is really not a problem for me) which I kept from my doctor till now and I really don't want to open that pandora's box since it would just complicate everything.

What should I do? Should I just sit on the information about a medication that would improve my life without having access to them or should I risk everything that comes with mentioning it? I'm really frustrated about this.

I started with drugs at around 16 it wasn’t anything bad only weed but by 17 I tried LSD and after that it’s been never ending stream of drugs every single week… I am now 18 and don’t know what to do.
I feel as if though I’m far gone and there’s nothing in this life for me.
I don’t have any close friends and my bf doesn’t rlly gaf if I’m there or not (or so it feels like). My only friends are the drugs I take, and I know it sounds cringe but drugs are the only things that don’t leave me and help me stay sane/ not end my life.
I used to use a lot of k in order to cope with my emotions of being depressed/ suicidal.
I’ve tried like 9 different drugs and it scares me how I can’t have fun or be at peace sober

What should i do?

I’m 19M. My maternal grandfather passed away on August 23rd, and I’ve been staying at my maternal uncle’s place ever since. I have to stay here until September 3rd for all the funeral rituals and ceremonies.

I’ve been helping out with literally everything: running errands to buy milk, buttermilk, disposable plates and cups, and so on. I’ve even been dealing with personal favors, like taking someone’s phone to get repaired (though spending 300 rupees was apparently "too much" for someone owning iPhone, so I had to come back empty-handed). Every night they organize devotional prayer songs, so I have to set up all the seating arrangements, which is physically exhausting. After the prayers, we serve refreshments—so I also help distribute the food and then collect all the trash and disposable plates afterward. On top of that, I’m constantly serving tea and water all day long.

Instead of treating me like family, they treat me like unpaid hired help. To make matters worse, my own immediate family doesn’t have my back either. My older sister scolds me whenever we head home to sleep for making small mistakes. I’m simply not as experienced with organizing events like this as the older relatives are, but I’m doing the best I can. Nobody acknowledges the effort I’m putting in.

I’m utterly exhausted, physically sore, and emotionally drained. I have a lot more details to vent about, but I doubt anyone would read a longer wall of text.

Am i overreacting? Or what should i do?

I would also like to add that i do it with my cousin and everyone praise him but not me.

I'm 27, male, 6'3", around 241 lbs, although I apparently look slimmer than that. I've never dated, never had a girlfriend, and never even had a high school or college fling. I've never really had that experience of casually getting to know someone romantically, going on dates, or figuring things out with someone my age.

Part of me is terrified that this is a huge red flag and that I'm already too far behind everyone else. I feel like everyone else learned how relationships work years ago and I'm showing up at 27 with absolutely no experience.

I'm also dealing with a bunch of other stuff that has made me feel pretty damn insecure. I'm balding and have been trying everything I can to get my hair back after finishing my master's. I've gotten really attached to gay porn since accidentally stumbling across it in 8th grade. I'm trying to quit, and I've had some slow wins, but I keep looping back into it.

I also have a brother with autism. In my culture, this was something we were basically told to keep quiet about and not tell other people. Growing up, I became very careful about what I said to people because I was afraid of saying the wrong thing or having people judge my family. I still carry that habit with me, especially at work. I'm constantly thinking about what I say, how I say it, and whether people are going to think something is weird or wrong.

My parents are putting pressure on me to find a girl and get married. My cousins ask me what I'm waiting for. My dad tells me I should talk to women at weddings or at the beach, but that feels incredibly weird to me because I don't see other people doing that. Recently he even asked me if I was attracted to women while we were at the beach, and I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to just leave and walk somewhere in Europe and disappear.

The truth is, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I've had crushes on girls before, but that seems to have stopped. I don't really have crushes on guys either. I don't know if I'm attracted to women, men, both, neither, or if I'm just so inexperienced and stressed that I don't know what I feel anymore.

I also worry that I'm ugly, sad, socially awkward, and destined to be alone. I have maybe five close friends. I'm scared to approach women because I'm terrified I'll come across as creepy. At the same time, I don't know how you're supposed to meet someone if you never actually talk to anyone.

There are things I genuinely like about myself and my life, though. I survived my first year teaching history, which I'm actually proud of. I love traveling, learning about history, and learning languages. There's something about seeing history, geography, and languages connect that scratches a very specific itch in my brain.

I also sometimes get extremely frustrated with myself when I bump into things or trip going up stairs. When that happens, I've hit myself in the head with my fist out of frustration. It's not because I'm trying to seriously hurt myself; it's more of an angry/frustrated reaction toward myself. I know it's not healthy, though, and I want to understand why I react that way.

Mostly, I'm just exhausted from feeling like something is wrong with me.

The fact that I wanted to die in that moment at the beach scared me. I don't want to pretend that's normal or ignore it. I don't necessarily want to die — I think I was overwhelmed and wanted to escape everything for a moment. But it scared me that my mind went there.

I don't necessarily need someone to tell me "just be confident" or "go talk to women at the beach." I genuinely want to know:

Is being 27 with absolutely no dating or sexual/romantic relationship experience actually a red flag?

And if it isn't, where does someone like me actually begin?

How do you meet women naturally without feeling like you're bothering or creeping them out? How do you figure out whether you're actually attracted to someone when you've never really had a relationship? Should I work on myself first, or is dating itself part of how I learn?

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have been in a similar place. I don't expect someone to magically fix my life. I just need some idea of what the first few steps should actually look like.

I’m 21, and I feel like my life won’t be something I look back on and feel proud of. I’ve barely done anything it feels like. I realize I’m young and there is so much more for me to do, but almost everyday of my life has just been about surviving and getting to tomorrow.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and bpd a little over a year ago and at first it was relieving. I finally had an answer to my life long question of “why am I like this”, “what’s wrong with me”. For a while now It feels like I’m grieving my future. I am stuck with this brain and body for life. I don’t make long term plans because I have never been in a place mentally where I can do the work that needs to be put in to make it to my end goal. It just feels impossible.

I remember clearly how hard it was for me in elementary school to pay attention long enough to know what I was being taught. Absent is the best way I can put it. I remember feeling ashamed for being alive my whole life. My parents traumatized me in ways that nobody I know can relate to, which is good for them but lonely for me. I found out I have ADHD when I was 14. I skipped pretty much all of high school and somehow managed to graduate after my second year of grade 12, I didn’t go to university after that, I worked as a delivery driver right after high school and I felt like such a loser. Everyone in my grade was moving on and following their dreams. I wanted to be a paramedic, I’ve always been passionate about medicine and helping people. It was my dream and I failed myself. I got a job as a detailer when I was 19 and I’m still doing it, though I’ve been on a mental health leave for over a month.

My current job makes me sick to my stomach when I think about going back. I genuinely feel suicidal when I imagine myself working there any longer. But I feel that same way when I think about getting a new job and falling into a depressive state again, because it’s inevitable. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, I feel really alone with this thought, and I feel like a useless, hopeless, lazy member of this world. I’m not lazy. I want to help people, I want to build a life with the person I love and make them, myself and my family proud. I want to go places and explore the world, I just want a happy life. I believe that as long as you’re 80 and you can look back at your life and know that you lived it with happiness and laughter and creativity, that that will be enough for me. I just can’t see my future going that way.

I don’t want to die, but I want to stop feeling this way. I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling this way because of a chemical cycle in my brain. When I’m in a manic state, yeah I feel great but I know the crash is coming and the hopelessness still persists throughout every episode. I’m on medication and it helps me regulate more, but it’s not enough. I’ve been on a wait list for a mood disorder program so I can get counselling, but the health care system where I live is beyond fucked. I waited for 1.5 years just to hear if I will even be accepted into the program, and then I was told I wouldn’t be able to book my first appointment for another 8 months. God knows how many months away the appointment will be from the date I book it. And while I wait to get this treatment I cannot seek help elsewhere because I will get kicked from the program. I have been begging for help from my general physician, explaining that I feel hopeless and suicidal and there’s nothing more he can do other than write me more time off work. I consider checking myself into the hospital because maybe it will give me a break from all of this, but the only thing keeping me afloat is my partner and my friends. I can’t go without talking to them or seeing them because it’s the only time I can shut my brain off even a little bit. I worry that if I’m in a hospital that things will get much more worse.

My parents don’t understand how my brain works, and I feel so much pressure from them to do better in this life. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not looking for pity, I just want to know I’m not alone with these feelings and that there is hope for people in my position.

I started with drugs at around 16 it wasn’t anything bad only weed but by 17 I tried LSD and after that it’s been never ending stream of drugs every single week… I am now 18 and don’t know what to do.
I feel as if though I’m far gone and there’s nothing in this life for me.
I don’t have any close friends and my bf doesn’t rlly gaf if I’m there or not (or so it feels like). My only friends are the drugs I take, and I know it sounds cringe but drugs are the only things that don’t leave me and help me stay sane/ not end my life.
I used to use a lot of ketamine in order to cope with my emotions of being depressed/ suicidal.
I’ve tried like 9 different drugs and it scares me how I can’t have fun or be at peace sober

I've been having such dark urges and thoughts, I know I wouldn't act on them but I know they also aren't normal in anyway. What used to be sadness for so many years, turned to numbness, then whatever it is I'm in now. Going from absolutely no feeling, staring into thin air for what feels like a few minutes turns out to be a whole hour. Then to, feeling any single emotion at an overwhelming limit.

I find myself forgetting things very easily. Even how things feel, like I can remember something and know "Oh that hurt. But how?" Then trying to recreate whatever/however it was to feel and remember what that pain felt like. Later on I'd forget again and the cycle repeats.

There's so much more going on in my mind. I really want to get help but I can't and I worry if I could actually go that long till I can get professional help. I just don't know what to do right now.

I need to study for my tests but I physically can't because I'm so tired. I hope I die soon and I will definitely kill myself in the next 3 days.

I tried to go for a walk but It feels bigger then that and the feeling won't go away. Sometimes I feel like I'm the problem and I'm just being dramatic I wish I could choose to stop it