r/Molested • u/SimilarDeer666 • 7d ago
Has anyone else experienced something like this? I feel oddly guilty.
Hi all, so this is a bit of a strange post I'll admit. So I was molested (big suprise) as a kid for a very long time and avoided sexual relations most of my life. Recently in the past year or so that ive been with my boyfriend ive grown comfortable and even felt ready to engage in sexual acts. However, I've noticed that whenever its late and my boyfriend and I are cuddling and it starts leading wherever, I "catch myself" kind of in a haze and "playing" some strange game in my head involing where to touch/when to touch and following all these rules that don't exist. I didn't realize at first, but i get in such a weird state and i notice it and it's hard for me to stay in the moment. I want to be intimate and enjoy things and its not like this makes the experience negative. I dont remember a lot of details about what happened to me and i wonder if this comes from that when i was a kid. I'm working on reminding myself to be present in these moments and not fall into this weird haze but the whole thing still makes me feel odd. I guess im just wondering if im alone in this or if its common? I dont know it just make feel gross even though i know that feeling is illogical. Anything helps. Thanks reddit.
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u/National_Season9568 7d ago edited 7d ago
I think this is more common than we see posted about, I have the same issue. Discussing it with my therapist was a good start, but in my case it was relating it to my abuse that helped me identify and prevent it from happening so often.
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u/No-Refrigerator1478 5d ago
You are definitely not alone in this. My childhood abuse turned me hyper sexual in a way but also hyper aware of sexual encounters. During both relationships I’ve been in where we’ve had sex I’d catch myself In an almost trance like state during the act. I wasn’t nervous to be In that position necessarily but I didn’t want to disappoint them the same way I did my abuser.
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u/SimilarDeer666 4d ago
thank you! This sounds a lot like what i've experienced and i appriciate you sharing.
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u/No-Refrigerator1478 4d ago
Ofcourse, it’s always super helpful to know you’re not alone so thank you for sharing your experience as well.
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u/Ok-Outside-889 5d ago
I think what you’re doing actually sounds healthy. Instead of a trauma response you’re trying to be present stay mindful of what you’re ok with and be intimate in a way that makes you feel safe
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u/ThrowRAIcy-Roof2491 3d ago
It really doesn’t sound like that to me..
She’s written down it’s hard for her to dtay in the moment because of this. It sounds like dissociation to me.
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