As a male currently going through the marriage process, I would like to point out and rant about how difficult marriage has become for us Muslims, especially for men. The struggles men go through for marriage are devastating. Initially, I thought the problem was just my own, but seeing so many of my friends and people on the internet suffer from the exact same problems—and sometimes even worse—made it obvious that there is a huge systemic crisis surrounding Muslim marriage in the post-industrial world.
The problem does not start the moment you decide to marry. It starts much earlier, when you are effectively banned from mixed-gender environments, prohibited from building intimate connections with women, and expected to stay entirely away from zina. You are not allowed to express or fulfill your sexual desires. Instead, you are directed straight to marriage. First, you have to protect yourself and remain pure during your young adult years while others experience dating, romance, and intimacy. This is a very hard task by itself. We no longer live in a pre-industrial world where you are simply matched with the neighbor’s daughter by your parents when you reach the age of seventeen. You have to wait realistically until your mid-twenties or early thirties to finish your education, build a stable career, work on yourself, and build your finances for years just so you can get married. You are put in a position where you have to fight against your biological urges for well more than a decade. Most Muslim men either start to grow white hair or go bald by the time they are finally "ready" for marriage.
Let's not forget that many people will not even manage to build a career and be financially ready by then. A huge chunk of people in the modern world simply become unemployed, work in low-paying jobs, have to switch careers multiple times, are forced to live paycheck to paycheck, or watch their jobs get replaced by AI. If you are one of those struggling individuals, too bad—you lost. You are just told to fast and hope you will be rewarded in the afterlife.
Now you are approaching thirty. You have done the very difficult task of remaining pure and protecting your dignity throughout your adulthood. You skipped through your most sexually productive years, struggled against your sexual desires, and now you are reaching middle age. You are also one of the lucky few to build a decent career, secure your finances, and save up a certain level of savings—which is simply not possible for millions of people in the modern world today.
And now you are looking for a woman to marry. You do not know how to speak to women properly since you avoided it for your entire life, and you have no prior dating experience. Somehow, you find someone you like and start talking. You take her out to places, pay for dates, and buy an expensive ring, which has somehow become mandatory even among the most pious Muslim women. Many women evaluate the value you give them based on the material preciousness of the ring you bought.
Next, you have to involve your parents and families, and then meet and satisfy the requirements set by the woman’s family. You are expected to own a house, which has become extremely difficult for an average worker today. The days when people could buy homes on a standard salary are long gone. You drain your hard-earned savings and take on loans just to buy a house. And let's not forget the car, which is becoming increasingly out of reach in lower-income countries.
Both families finally agree to the marriage. While some couples marry relatively quickly, for most people it takes around six to twelve months just to get to know each other. Because you are not a non-Muslim who grew up practicing romance and having a circle of female friends, your options are limited. If talks fail, you have to start over and re-roll the entire process with someone else, adding potentially months or years of further waiting.
Fortunately, the courting process progresses and you decide to get engaged. Congratulations! Now you have to complete a bunch of ceremonies, buy a ton of jewelry, and spend the last bit of your savings (if you have any left) on valuable materials they demand. You probably spend months or even years of your income on jewelry that you won't even get to keep in the event of a divorce. Even if the engagement breaks off for reasons that are not your fault or choice, too bad—by law, the woman often gets to keep all the jewelry. Your years of work can vanish overnight for no reason whatsoever.
You have prepared the house, bought a car, set everything up, completed the engagement, and are finally getting ready for the wedding. Now it is time to host a wedding event, which comes with another heavy price tag. It has always been her dream to have a grand wedding because she saw Instagram reels of lavish celebrations, and she feels she deserves the same because she is no less than anyone else. If you push back, you are labeled cheap and selfish. After all, she only marries once, right?
Okay, you complete all the previous steps, burning through your savings, borrowing money, or relying on family help. You organize the wedding without cutting corners. Now you think you are finally good to go, right? Wrong. It is time to pay the mehr, which can be a massive sum depending on the person and culture—as if all the jewelry and financial responsibilities weren't already enough. Most women want this upfront because they want to "safeguard" themselves against future financial ruin (acting as though the man didn't already shoulder the entire financial burden), while ignoring how modern legal systems already heavily favor women and penalize men in a divorce.
You have navigated every hurdle and made countless sacrifices—to the point where your entire life could be ruined overnight if something goes wrong. Are you finally done? No. Because you now have to drop another small fortune on an expensive honeymoon vacation. After all, one of her friends went to a luxury resort in Dubai, and she wants that too, because this happens only once in a lifetime and she deserves nothing less.
Now you are finally married and will live happily ever after... right? Wrong. Nearly half of modern marriages end in divorce, many within the first five years. The statistical likelihood of divorce early on is frighteningly high, and yes, it can happen to you. You can lose all the financial effort you put in, the jewelry you bought, and half of the assets you spent years working for. God forbid you have a child and are forced to pay alimony for the rest of your life (sometimes literally for life, long after the children turn eighteen).
Meanwhile, non-Muslim men participate in intimate relationships with women from a very young age, experiencing everything they want, and building friendships with women over the years. This not only teaches them how to talk to and date women properly, but also allows them to meet many different people, helping them make a much more informed decision about marriage. They don't even "need" marriage to live with someone they love or enjoy companionship; they can choose to marry whenever they want, seamlessly, without having to meet dozens of systemic, exhausting expectations and requirements.
The marriage process for Muslim men has become ruthlessly difficult. Old customs and norms no longer apply in the 21st century, yet we have piled on an array of extra obstacles onto an already broken system. Marriage is a sunnah, and making the process easy is a command of our religion, yet we live in a world where marriage has become financially punishing for Muslims while remaining relatively frictionless for non-Muslims. This harsh reality is visible everywhere.