r/Names • u/trajikamajika • 13h ago
Tricky Name Question
Not sure if this is the correct sub for this but…
I have a child from a previous relationship (father has passed and was never in the picture) I named him solely by myself and he is 7. His name starts with a W. My fiancé (who is the only dad my son has ever known) and I have been together since my son was 4. We just had a little girl about a year ago and her name starts with a J. We have discussed having another and we happen to like a lot of J names. I guess I’m just wondering if it would be insensitive or exclusionary to name two children with J names while my son from a previous relationship has a different first initial. Him and I share a last name while my daughter and fiancé share a last name. Once we are married he will adopt our son and when that is finalized him and I will change our last name to match his dads and sisters. He is ADHD and has some mild anxiety, he struggles a lot with acceptance and approval. I could be overthinking things, but my biggest fear is him feeling like an outsider in his own family. Just looking for some opinions and insight! Thanks!
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u/MeltedWellie 10h ago
The fact that are asking tells me you know it would be an issue for your son.
There are so many circumstances in life that have a negative impact on your child's life, most of which you have no control over. You have control over this. There is a whole world full of names out there that do not start with J you can pick from.
Could you risk it and hope your son is not affected? Sure, but why would you want to take that risk? OP, I would be doing everything in my power to make sure every member of my family feels included and accepted, this is in your power.
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u/trajikamajika 1h ago
That is a very good point and I suppose what my intuition was already telling me. It’s nice getting external perspective! Thanks for your response!
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u/CraftyFraggle 11h ago
I think I wouldn’t.
It would feel like a reminder that he has a different father and if he struggles with acceptance, I would be super careful not to give him reason to see himself as “other” in any way.
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u/HourTrue9589 13h ago
I think it will be okay, but if you are worried you could ask him if it would bother him. You could also let him choose his siblings middle name. Or give the baby a W middle name to match him!
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u/Illusive_Girl 10h ago
I second this! From what I understand you're not currently pregnant, which means your son will likely be at least eight years old when his next sibling will be born. I'm not extremely familiar with 8-year-olds but I wager at that age he'll be old enough to have that conversation with you.
And having him be involved in the naming process as the baby's older brother might just be the trick to make it feel like he's a part of this. Perhaps, if there's more than one J name you and your fiancé like, he can make a choice which one it'll be?
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u/Prior-Beach-3311 10h ago
You are thinking theoretically as you aren't yet pregnant, which makes me think it is likely to cause issues. However he'll be old enough to speak with about this, ask him how he feels, ask him to be involved with looking for names. When he gets adopted and you change both your names could you think about adding a middle name for him starting with a J?
I have 5 siblings, a few.of us have Irish names but the ones who don't, don't feel left out. A few have some family names included, the ones who don't, don't feel left put although it might be more to do with its not one person who is left out.
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u/trajikamajika 2h ago
Funny enough his middle name does start with a J! I didn’t really think about that tying into things. Thanks for your comment and perspective. I definitely plan on including him in the name process as we did with his little sister and it was a fun bonding experience. Thanks again!
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u/Lazy_Document_7104 8h ago
It would (unintentionally and subconsciously) add to a sense of otherness. I strongly urge you to pick a name that doesn't begin with "J".
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u/jessm307 3h ago
He’s already set up to potentially feel like an outsider, and helping him feel included will need to be a conscious effort. Don’t make it worse by creating a naming scheme he’s not a part of. There are plenty of letters to choose from.
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u/Successful_Citron975 15m ago
I’m pregnant with my third whose circumstances are the same as my second but very different than the oldest. I just asked the oldest how she would feel if I gave #3 a name that starts with the same letter as #2. She didn’t even understand why I’d ask. I asked if she wouldn’t feel left out. She said that would be ridiculous. I tend to agree.
My take is if your oldest feels left out, it’s not going to be because of the letter. And if it really is, he needs better coping mechanisms or he’s going to grow up feeling like every little thing is a personal offense against him.
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u/hardstone302 13h ago
I really don't think the initials are going to matter nearly as much as how included he feels. If anything having a different initial could be a funny little family quirk instead of a sign that he doesn't belong. I'd just make sure he knows that the J name thing isn't some secret sibling club he's not part of.
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u/not-cooler-than-you 13h ago
As long as your and your future hubby's names dont start with j, it'll be fine.
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u/Titariia 11h ago
If you don't make it a problem, it won't be a problem. Don't call them "The J's" or something and don't shove it in his face. Just treat everyone equally
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u/XLazyplantladyx 13h ago
My older half sister’s both have names that start with J and I don’t and it has always made me feel left out and different. I used to ask my mom why she couldn’t have named me Jessica or Jordan. Especially if he struggles with acceptance and approval like I did, I think your intuition is right. I think just pick a name starting with a completely different letter! There are hundreds of beautiful names, but only one him 🩷