26M. I feel like a hiking subreddit will possibly make less fun of me. I was born in Seattle, my dad's a third generation American and my mom immigrated from Southeast Asia. I've loved the outdoors and nature ever since I was a little kid, and initially went to school for ecology to study native plants. I work/ed really hard to overcome physical disability to hike, and I even got into backpacking once I had my strategies. Outdoorsmanship gave me a reprieve from my medical issues, homophobia, racism, and social pressure. When I was in college, I started to learn a lot more about history of native people, the impact of colonization on the environment, and how even well-intentioned environmental stewardship wasn't informed by native peoples and still perpetuated cultural (and even at times ecological) harm.
This... this might have fucking destroyed me. Hiking was the only thing that made me feel like myself. It's been 5 years since I graduated and I haven't been able to go on more than one hike a year just due to extreme guilt. I feel like there is no way I can exist that doesn't do harm to the natural spaces I love so much - even my steps or my breath. I don't belong here, my existence is the product of generations of extreme violence, but there's nowhere else for me to really go. I can only leave the house for work or class (I'm back in school for another career since I can't get myself to work in environmental studies).
Literally the only solution I have been able to think of this whole time is to just kill myself. That thought eats at me every second that I'm not distracted. I love the Sound, the Peninsula, the Cascades, the prairies, the Enchantments, the rivers and wetlands, and I love it all so much that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prevent the harm I could do to it. Whenever I go even to a city park, my whole body aches, and even thinking about it makes me nauseous. I feel like I'm a disease to the thing I love most. I don't know what to do. My therapist says I do belong and that I should try doing it anyways, but I just can't get myself to do it. I feel broken and unworthy of being outside.
edit: You're all really nice (and honest) people. Replying is a lot for me but I read everything.