A user wrote to us:

“I (17-year-old trans bi dude) have a straight cis friend, who comes across as very off-putting when it comes to queer issues. He’s said that he’s turned a lesbian ‘straight,’ though she never disclosed her identity to him. He’s directly flirted with me (even though he’s made it clear he is not interested in me, when I’ve brought it up, so it’s very confusing), making innuendos often at my expense, which I expressed my discomfort over (and still has not really stopped). He’s said that most of his friends are queer or women, but I’m starting to think he is mistreating me and them…”

It can already be difficult existing in the world as a queer person. Finding people who make you feel understood, respected, and safe can often feel like a challenge. So when someone you consider a friend repeatedly crosses your boundaries and makes uncomfortable comments about your identity, it can be difficult to know what to do.

And it gets so much more complicated when that person points to their LGBTQ+ friends as "proof" that they can't possibly be queerphobic.

Let's get one thing straight (pun not intended), having queer friends does NOT automatically make someone supportive of queer people. Just because an individual has found a few queer people who they can be friendly with does not mean they've done the work unpacking their own queerphobia.

If you say, “That makes me uncomfortable,” a friend doesn't have to perfectly understand your perspective immediately. But they should care that you're uncomfortable. They should be willing to listen, take you seriously, and make a genuine effort to change their behavior.

And if they don't? You're allowed to reconsider that friendship.

That was an important part of Sassafras Patterdale’s advice to our user. Sassafras, who is nonbinary and genderqueer themselves, responded:

“While your main question is about how to invest in the friendship, I also want to offer the perspective that now or in the future, if the investment doesn’t feel worth it, it’s ok to end friendships. Not all friendships are destined to last forever. Sometimes people grow and change, and the friendships we have with them no longer feel healthy or supportive… If you don’t feel safe or valued in a friendship, I don’t think it’s much of a friendship, and I don’t think it’s worth putting more emotional energy into. Sometimes, regardless of your age, it can feel easier to have a bad or mediocre friend than to have no friend, but you don’t need friends who make you feel bad about yourself or uncomfortable.”

Of course, ending a friendship is easier said than done. Friendships make up a huge part of our everyday lives, especially when we're young. And losing one can mean feeling lonely. And we're often left wondering when or if we'll ever connect with someone again.

But being alone for a while isn't the same thing as being unworthy of friendship. In fact, there's a good chance that moving away from an unhealthy friendship could give space for a truly supportive, respectful, and affirming friendship to grow!

So, what do you think? Are friendships meant to last forever? Is it okay to end a friendship when it no longer feels supportive or healthy? And how can we tell the difference between a friend who simply makes mistakes and a friendship that has become harmful to us?

Let us know what you think!

And if you'd like to read Sassafras' full response, click this link here!

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I’m a trans guy.

I figured out it actually hurts a lot to actually touch my clit so I NAVER go beyond the hood. Another thing I found out was that when I’m actually starting to get turned on and muscle spasming it hurts to touch myself at all. And my body starts rejecting it like my body subconsciously flinches from my hand like a gag reflex.

I thought it was bc my pelvic floor was too tense but I make sure to not make that happen. Why is this happening?

Ahoy! How are your relationships feeling lately? Comfortable and communicative? Or strained and difficult?

We know that creating healthy relationships can be a lot harder than it seems. Something that is definitely missing from school-based sex ed (besides a lot of other stuff…) is what healthy relationships actually look like and how to build them for yourself. And on top of that we often get really confusing and mixed messages about what relationships (both platonic and romantic) should look like from social media, movies, and TV shows.

So to help you navigate these choppy waters, we created a guide all about building and navigating actually healthy relationships! You'll learn all about communication, boundaries, and trust as well as how to handle expectations and how to maintain your individuality.

Learn more about building and navigating healthy relationships in Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

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Visitors asking for help from the real humans who answer advice questions at Scarleteen often ask questions like “I have fantasies about things I shouldn’t be thinking,” “I am worried that my fantasies mean there is something ‘wrong’ with me, and my friends have told me that I need to find ways to stop having them,” or “I’m worried that if I mention liking these things to anyone…they’ll see me as a horrible monster for wanting to do these things.”

It's important to know that fantasy isn't reality, fantasy can play a healthy role in our sex lives, and often, shame about fantasies is about social pressure, not a reflection on you. Consider who benefits when we’re taught to feel afraid of our own minds: It's not you or your relationships! "Fantasies are not a reflection of anyone’s moral character. People who claim they are often do so because they want you to feel sexual shame, guilt, or remorse. Fantasies give us room to play, explore, and consider, inside a very safe container: Our own minds. They are an important and active part of our overall sexual and reproductive health119). They are also extremely common."

If you've been having fantasies that might be distressing or upsetting to you; you're worried something might be wrong because you're having a particular fantasy; or you're just curious to learn more about what it means to have a fantasy that's at odds with your understanding of self, this article is for you.

Our direct services are also always here if you're struggling with finding or receiving inclusive, empathetic, and informed support from people with extensive experience and education about human sexuality, gender, and so much more. Read s.e.'s piece here: Your Sexual Fantasies Reflect the Diversity of Human Sexuality, Not a Moral Failing

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I can’t seem to be able to focus on myself while having sex: i fixate on how the partner is feeling about what I’m doing, so much I can count the times i actually enjoyed it as in “I like this feeling in my body” rather than “I like that they like it”. And so I don’t feel like I’m there with them.

I’ve had two partners, first one used me and it took me years to realise how f’d up that was; second partner is way more conscious and wants me to enjoy it- but I can’t tell them what I like, cause I don’t understand how to do that-

How do you know what you like?

My fiancé and I are a queer interracial couple in our 30s. As amazing and lovely as it is to see/spend time with younger queers, we’re feeling really isolated from queers in our *own* age group and older to hang out with. Can anyone share any meetup places, bars, centers— etc, that older LGBTQ+ frequent within the Tri-state?

We need community, please and thank you. ❤️✨

Scarleteen has long been the one of the only sex education sites and organizations that offers FREE direct support services, provided and moderated by real people, not bots. We can offer help if you can't find what you need in our static content, if you need help better understanding something you've read here or heard elsewhere, if you need or want personalized information, or when you just want to talk one-on-one with someone qualified to help you with anything related to sex and sexuality, relationships, identities or bodies.

Scarleteen’s services are diverse, inclusive spaces, and we are and have always been deeply and actively committed to the safety and security of everyone who uses them. In our current political climate, we recognize the increased need for inclusive and emotionally safe spaces for all, especially young people who are actively seeking community with and care from others who respect their experiences and their agency.

Which direct services should you choose? Learn more about each of them below!

• Message boards (requires registration, you can register here: Boards registration): A moderated space to get support from staff, volunteers, and peers. The boards are open 24/7 most days of the year. 

Best for: Almost anything, be it simple questions or in-depth, involved discussions over time. This service is also best for when you want both staff and volunteer engagement AND discussion with peers, or primarily peer-to-peer discussion.

• Live chat: Private one-on-one support for users who may need more privacy, can’t access our other services, or may need longer interactions than we can offer via our text service. Chat is open during chat times listed on the site.

Best for: One-on-one conversations with our trained staff. This service requires your immediate and full attention, so if you want to be able to come and go throughout a conversation, especially with lapses of several minutes, hours or days, or want to multitask, the boards or SMS service will be better options for you.

• SMS (Text) line: You can text us at (206) 866-2279 for quick questions and answers. The service is free, but message and data rates apply and it’s only available for users in the United States. Our text line is open 24/7 most days of the year so you can expect a quick reply from us for your short, quick questions! 

Best for: Help finding content on the site to answer your questions, referrals for in-person local services like sexual or mental healthcare, or a referral to our message boards or live chat when you can't figure out which service is best for you. The SMS service is not intended for answers that can be found in our site content, or can be answered or discussed on the boards or via the live chat service.

• Advice column queue: For tough questions that require longer responses. We read every submission, though only some will become replies or published columns, so for immediate and guaranteed answers, you can submit your question to our other services, too.

Best for: More involved, complex situations where you want a longer, in-depth answer, but are NOT time-sensitive. Questions and answers you are comfortable having published widely for all to see (even though they should not ever contain any identifying information where anyone reading could know it was you asking).

TL;DR: Basically, if you’ve got questions about your body, relationships, identity, or sex, Scarleteen is here to help you find answers that are accurate, inclusive, and actually useful.

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(18+F) so I've only had 2 real sexual experiences in my life, once 4 years ago and once 2 years ago. I do not masturbate-or at least I haven't but maybe a few times in the span of 2 years. I recently wanted to feel more comfortable in my body, and try out masturbation. I bought my first dildo, but everything was just painful. I had lube and I also tried anal as well. I opened myself up before I tried that way with it though, of course. I just felt extremely tight both ways, and doing vaginal feels not only painful but also just straight up uncomfortable- it feels like I'm hitting a wall. There is no wall when you do anal though, so if I go any farther than what's already mildly uncomfortable it feels unbearable. I only get aroused so often, actually only whenever I wake up spontaneously and feel that way from build-up. Even then I only do clitoral stimulation. I don't think about masturbation often, and watching things does not do anything but make me uncomfortable. What can I do? Everyone talks about it like it's this amazing thing and I want to be able to experience that. Is there something wrong with me?

Yes, I had to make a burner account to ask this question.

You've probably heard about pumps before—most likely "penis pumps." There's many a joke in various movies about someone trying to increase their penis size and inevitably getting stuck inside the device.

(Quick note: pumps cannot change the size of your genitalia!)

These jokes might be entertaining to some extent but they have also led to pumps being a more misunderstood sex toy. Their function often gets obscured when in actuality they are designed just like every other sex toy: for pleasure, exploration, and increased sensation.

And on that note, pumps aren't just for penises! They can be used on lots of different erogenous zones including nipples, breasts, and vulvas. They work by creating gentle suction that brings blood flow to the area it is applied to. This can increase sensitivity but also causes a sensation that many people find pleasurable. They can be used alone or with a partner/partners.

If you've ever been curious about pumps (or if you're just learning about them now) you might have some questions before you want to try one. Questions like: How do you use one? How do they feel? Are they safe? Are there different kinds? How do you know which one to buy?

That's exactly why queer sex educator and journalist Gabrielle Kassel put together [_How to Play With Toys: Pumps Edition_](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sexuality/how-play-toys-pumps). Gabrielle's guide explains pumps in a clear and inclusive way and covers everything from how pumps work to safety tips and realistic expectations.

And good news! If you are curious about other types of toys Gabrielle has you covered there too! This article is part of an ongoing series written by Gabrielle all about how to use different sex toys.

If you're curious about pumps or any sex toy, Gabrielle's series is a great place to start. Learning how to use toys safely and understand what kind of sensations to expect can make exploring sexual pleasure feel a lot more approachable.

Check out Gabrielle's article on pumps here! And for the rest of the series on sex toys, head here!

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"There is no one way everyone — of any given kind of embodiment, sexual orientation or with partners of any given gender or embodiment — experiences sexual pleasure or orgasm. There’s not any one body part or way of engaging a given body part that equals pleasure or orgasm for everyone, or even for the same person every day. Not only can we never say 'everybody likes [whatever]' or 'everyone gets off on [whatever]' we also can’t say 'women like [this thing],' 'men don’t like [that thing],' 'gay people do [this other thing],' or 'straight people do [that one].'

Well, we could say those things — many people do all the freaking time — they just will never be factual things to say, and will tend to limit how people frame, explore and experience sexuality."

We're bringing back one of our greatest hits from Heather Corinna today! With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body is one many of you know and love. It's one of those pieces our users have come back to time after time over the years.

It is our go-to guide on sexual anatomy and one of our most popular pieces because it includes information on more than just body parts. In fact, this piece is a dive into pleasure and the understanding that sexual pleasure is never about just one part of the body in isolation. The beauty of this piece lies in the driving home of the message that no two bodies are ever built the same and thus pleasure looks different for every body!

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"When I started taking testosterone⁠, I had a clear idea of what would happen to my mind and my body. All the sources I found gave me a similar timeline. In the first month, I would have oily skin, more acne, more body hair, and an increased libido⁠. Three months in, I was hoping my body fat would start redistributing, I would gain more muscle, and my voice would drop.
I expected my body to roughly follow that schedule. Even though I was on a low dose at first, I assumed everything would happen fast.
A year and three months later, I realize that’s not the case."

Cay reflects on their experience taking T, the frustration and tender reality of slow changes, and the conflicting, messy feelings that come with a body not shifting on the timeline they were told to expect. They write about learning to witness and honor the things that are easy to miss when you’re consumed by the idea of "progress" and looking for tangible proof of change.

"In retrospect, I don’t think I gave my body enough credit. I often dismissed subtle changes. Now, I try to acknowledge those tiny victories more often. I know my own body pretty well, so, if something seems different, I try my best to validate what I’m feeling. Of course, when you’re looking in the mirror every day, subtle differences can be tricky to pinpoint."

Cay writes about relating to their body with more curiosity and care in a piece that may resonate for some who are frustrated with their own timelines…or help those considering T who want to know more about what to expect. Changes from T Took Longer Than I Expected: Here's How I Handled It

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"We should just be friends."

If you're someone who dates (or someone who wants to date) there's a very good chance that you'll hear that phrase at least once in your life.

Sometimes, even when you really, really like someone, your dynamic just isn't right for a romantic relationship. And that's totally okay. Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and not every breakup has to end with resentment. Sometimes, two people simply realize they're better suited as friends than as partners. Other times, they still care deeply about each other but recognize that romance isn't working.

But we get it: Going from liking someone romantically to liking them just as a friend can be rocky.

If you're wondering whether you can actually be friends with someone you've dated, there are lots of things to consider and a lot of important communication to have. Lisa Laman says: "Make your own intent and hopes for the relationship known. Make sure you’re both on solid ground with where you want your interactions to go from here. Both of you deserve and need to be on the same page. This way, you’ll know if 'we should just be friends' is an indication of genuine yearning for friendship or just letting you down easy.

If you both want to create a friendship, lay out all your cards in this conversation, and be openly vulnerable when your friend-to-be shares similarly… Anything that’s making y’all uncomfortable or uncertain about the future, just get it all out there."

Friendship after dating can come with some real challenges. But at the same time, staying friends can also have genuine benefits! And there is no universal "right" outcome. The best choice is going to be the one that respects everyone's emotional well-being, needs, and boundaries.

If you'd like to read more of Lisa's advice on how to navigate transitioning from dating to friendship, click this link here. Whether you're considering staying friends with an ex or simply wondering if it's possible, her article can help you think through what will be the best decision for everyone involved.

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heyo,

im a trans man who has been looking for straps that don't look like a penis. for me, the visual of it and the comparison tk myself isn't it

functionally, i really like the idea of banana prosthetics, but I'd like something that doesn't look realistic.

their pleasure attatchments seem great, if I could use them on any strap, i wouldn't need recs

even if you don't know products, if theres other subreddits that would be a good place to ask, lmk

If you're feeling uneasy about the roles of porn and/or sex in your life, you might have found online advice quick to label you with “sex addiction” or “porn addiction.” These are not real medical diagnoses, as Dr. Amy Marsh explains in this piece breaking down the realities of actual addiction and the ways these labels are harmful.

"There’s a big difference between seeing something on social media that sounds like you, taking an internet quiz and then accepting a fake pathology like sex or porn addiction, or instead getting a bona fide diagnosis (or not) of whatever it is that’s troubling you," says Amy, who notes that this "addiction" mislabeling can be a distraction from underlying issues like anxiety, depression, or compulsive behavior that people need real help with.

Plus, "sexual behaviors that are widespread and not at all unusual are called wrong and unacceptable by people who clearly don’t have much information—let alone training—about human sexual behavior. Such people often have a very narrow idea about sexual activities they consider acceptable or 'normal.' So, there’s a very good chance that what you think may be compulsive, out of control, or addictive about your own behavior, actually may not be any of those things."

If you're concerned about your relationship to sex, porn, or both and want to talk to someone, "Seek out counseling or therapy if you need support, but make sure you check the qualifications of anyone you approach for assistance. If someone wants to shame you for your sexual desires or behaviors, look for the nearest exit or turn off the feed. You deserve to work with someone who won’t judge you, who understands both human sexuality and some of the challenges of your stage of life, who will support you, and work with you as long—or as little—as you need to get to the root of things."

Read the full article by Dr. Amy Marsh here: The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction" (If you need advice, support, or a reality check, you can head to Scarleteen's direct services)

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I'm pretty young but still interested in femdom. I only know it from the internet and have no experience in it besides that. So I asked myself if I should just drop it, because since I'm young I can't engage properly in desires like that, but I still really want to try something of that nature. Due to that, I also ask myself how I could even make something like that possible ? Could anyone give me advice on how to handle my situation ?

It is extremely common for survivors of sexual assault and abuse to feel disconnected from their bodies—especially during sexual or physically intimate moments.

A user wrote to us for advice for this very reason. He found himself frequently becoming activated with or around sex, even though he loves his partner and wants to be intimate with her.

He wrote, "I experienced a variety of sexual and physical abuse from early childhood into my teenage years. I have a strong association and bad reaction with sex. My body shakes, I feel sick, I get flashbacks, I cry, I dissociate: the list goes on. I feel like I’m not in control of my body. I guess I’m just trying to understand how to feel more in control of my body, and my sex life."

Wanting to reclaim a sense of control over your body and mind is something many survivors can relate to. It can be extremely frustrating and discouraging to feel like you can't do the things you want to or feel the way you want to feel because of the effects of the abuse you experienced.

But bodies aren't always so easy to "control" for anyone. As our founder, Heather, also a survivor, writes: "Ultimately, none of us are ever in full control of our bodies, and how people feel about that varies a whole lot. So much of what our bodies do, including a lot of our sexual response, is involuntary, and that can certainly be some of why sex⁠ can be extra challenging for sexual and physical abuse⁠ survivors. We’ve already struggled to feel real agency, autonomy⁠ and control when it comes to our bodies because of the experience and impacts of abuse, and now here go our bodies doing things without our permission or direction, or not doing things when we want them to."

But there's hope! In their column, Heather offers advice on how to feel safer in your own body, rediscover your sexual self, be kinder to yourself during recovery, how to recognize the things we do have control over, and how to find liberation in letting go of the things we can't.

Read Heather's full advice column here: Recovery and Sexuality after Rape

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If you’re an unhoused young person, especially if your experience has included running away, you may be carrying a very real fear: what happens if police or another authorities pick you up and sends you back home where it's unsafe?

The fear of getting picked up by the authorities is real and legitimate. And you deserve information that helps you protect yourself.

Sassafras Patterdale shares practical tips for staying as safe as possible if you’re picked up and may be sent somewhere you don’t want to go. They cover speaking up where others can hear you, understanding your rights, and finding support through and with your community. They also share this reminder for those who may be reading this and experiencing it first-hand:

"While being forced to return to a home that doesn’t feel like home might feel scary or overwhelming, try to remember that it’s not permanent. 

When you are legally an adult you won’t be able to be forced back to live with these people. Even if legal systems have failed you, and may be threatening to return you to a home that doesn’t feel safe, try to continue to reach out for support. Explain to supportive adults why you are not safe. In the United States and many other countries, most teachers, counselors, and youth workers are mandated reporters. If something happens that makes you feel unsafe where you are living, they must report what has happened and, hopefully, will be able to help you get the support necessary to get to a safer and more supportive living situation, which might include living with a supportive relative, a youth shelter, or a transitional living program."

Read more by Sassafras here: Sent Back Home: What to Do If You’re Picked Up by the Police and Brought Back Home, Especially If Your Home Isn’t Safe

(This piece is part of the Kicked Out Series. A series by former kicked-out kid, excellent human, and writer Sassafras Patterdale for unhoused and transient youth.)

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