Well I don't want to dwell on this situation I'm currently dealing with too much as it's really bringing me down emotionally and I'm also very disappointed and upset with myself for being the main cause of this situation I'm in. And before I get into it, I just want to say in advance that I appreciate any and all advice I receive and also I want to say thank you for taking the time to read this too. I have ADHD and can easily create novels when I'm explaining situations that I get into so please forgive me for making sure I don't leave any minor detail out, which makes for some long posts at times from myself.

Anyways, to set the scene so to speak and to give you some understanding and back story before getting into things. I am 31 years old and been an opioid addict since the age of 16, started off by smoking perc 30s for only about a year and a half, and then the government cracked down on how doctors basically gave scripts of them out like candy, which in turn made the street price almost double in the small town I lived in, which was In the north western corner of Vermont near the Canadian border. And from that point on, my plug I went through just switched up and had herrron/Fenty which is the road I obviously turned too and haven't been able to get off ever since.

Fast forward about 16 years roughly, to today, and I've never been closer to being clean and sober and not using than I am today.

BUT; Here comes the predicament that I'm currently dealing with and also the reason for this post. Almost 4 years ago now, I met my partner and we've been great ever since. Although, today I feel like I am worthless and fucked up both of our lives although my partner tells me otherwise. I say this because we are both doing the best in terms of being sober than we've ever have like I have already mentioned. But I had a craving today and I ended up getting some Fenty as my partner was visiting me for the day as he is in a 90 day sober living program. And I'm sure you can guess what happened/where I'm going with this and about to say next; my partner ended up caving too and used with me before he went back to the sober house for the night where he will be UA-ed when he gets back. He may get lucky as one of our very good friends is there with him and is sober so he said that he would have some clean pee ready for my partner's return tonight..

I guess what advice that I'm asking for mainly, is this; I know that were both adults and it was his decision/choice to use not mine nor did I force him to do anything , but since I had sorta put him into this situation as we don't see each other much lately as he lives an hour away from me currently at this sober house, and knowing what consequences he could face if he gets caught, I am having a hard time processing all of this and can't help but feel beyond guilty and also terrible that I was there during/watching his relapse and didn't stop him from doing it. I did try to talk him out of it before hand a bit, but also wasn't trying to start an argument or anything.. anyone have any tips to avoid having this situation arise again possibly..?

Again, I apologize for the novel; but also thank you kindly for the people who read it all. And also, I very much appreciate any advice you might have/could give me that pertains to anything that is relevant to what I'm currently going through, dealing with.

Addiction is a bitch, and life can be hard. Not everyone is perfect so please try to keep any advice that isnt helpful or is obvious and not nice to yourself. Aka I know being addict isn't like when someone gets cancer but unless you know what someone has been through in life, keep your judgey comments yourself. You truly never know what the person that you see standing outside on the corner, day in and day out, rain or shine, has dealt with and gone through that's brought him or her to that point in their life.

It doesn't cost ANYTHING in life to be courteous, kind, caring, and loving. But when someone gets judged or put down, it can cause irreversible mental damage sometimes and can lead to things much much worse at times.

Sorry for my rant, looking forward to reading what some people have to say and hopefully can help me navigate through this tough time I'm dealing with currently inside my head. 🫤😕😞

Looking for recommendations for my close friend (F, 28) who is in NYC but willing to relocate for a good rehab program. She’s struggling with alcoholism, anxiety, depression, and sometimes suicidal thoughts.
I’m currently the only person helping her through recovery and honestly don’t know much about rehab or where to start. She hasn’t been consistent with AA and doesn’t currently have a therapist. I just want to get her somewhere safe where she can get the help and support she needs.
If anyone has recommendations for reputable rehab/treatment programs, especially ones that address both addiction and mental health, I’d really appreciate it. TYIA

sober now but i miss waking up to the free breakfast and the valium and going to get snacks whenever i want them. not sure what to do at this point

I’m not really feeling sick but time is passing so slow and my mind keeps racing back to the thought of picking up.

My husband was sneaking around doing meth, even though we did dabble in other drugs like crack and other substances, but that was the one that I always was so against I did not want him to do it and he continued to, but he thought I didn’t know anyways the reason I didn’t like it was because it would make my body feel really weak, I couldn’t stop being drenched in sweat and felt like I was dying, but now time is gone on and I’ve realized that I hate crack. It makes me paranoid. It makes me a weirdo and so somehow I got into doing meth here and there but like the last few weeks or so it felt like it all the time and I don’t really know how to feel happy and have any motivation to do anything. I’ve been doing drugs since I was 16 hard driven since I was 20 and 30 years old now and I just look at my face even from this short little times fan I’d say a month or two of the math just I knew it would take over on me. He can handle it better for some reason, but I can’t and I love it and I love it too much and I hate that I love it because that was I was worried it was gonna happen. I told him that when it’s gone tonight or smashing bubbler and staying clean because if not, he’s gonna lose me not by choice but I was heavily addicted from age 23-30 on crack and I that fucked my life horrendously and and I’ve said it from the start to him that if I am to get addicted to this is not gonna go well because I know the kind of difference it is I’ve seen other friends go through this. I’ve from the other side as a crackhead smoker, but I just know I have powerful and draining of life. This is it’s just different. I can tell I’m already feeling not great when I don’t have it and just back to myself when I do and like I said, this is maybe a few times a week thing but for a few months and I’m feeling Ike my body is addicted well my brain atleast it’s changed my course of mind already. Advice please and any tips to help me get us off it. He doesn’t think he has a problem because he has ADHD and it does hit me differently than it does him but he lied to me many times before when he said he stopped and I just don’t trust that he won’t so we’re supposed to be smashing the pipe tonight together and I’m wondering if you’re just gonna continue to do it cause I’m ready to stop and I’m not that deep and I know how bad it’s gonna get. I was cracked for many years not dipping my toes any further

Hi, I've been 5 yrs sober now and I;ve just been dealing with a lot mentally recently. I don't want to tell anyone about this, so I'm turning to online. What do I do? I'm trying to do all healthy thigns like excersing, mediating, eating clean but the craving just keeps building. I'm contemplating taking up smoking again because its better than pills.I don't know what to do. I'm so lost, I feel like this loop will never end.

I am losing my identity over my use.. The more I use the worse I feel. At this point I don't even know why? At first it was an escape & to numb the pain. But now idk. Do I have to hit rock bottom or is there a way to pull myself back from the abyss?

My husband and I are both meth addicts, going on 3 years sober. I used for two and half years before this and he used for 7 years. He got out of prison and did great for the first time in his life for almost a year. We've built so much and have done so great. For the past 3 or 4 weeks he's been using on and off again. We all know there's no stopping now and I told him he needs help like treatment or at least start with counseling, because he's never done either of those before. He is pushing away and the meth too obviously is making him a completely different person, more angry, disappearing and just not thinking or acting clearly. I am 7 months pregnant, and we have 3 other children, we are 29 years old. I know he just has been gone and disappearing because he knows that if I am around meth there is a high chance I will use too. But still this is ruining our family and he's now denied getting help. What do I do. I was to be there for my partner and stick through this for better or worse. But at this point if I just sit there and say I'm here for you then I feel like I am enabling the behavior. Do I just distance and wait for him to lose everything slowly and get locked up again. Please could I get some suggestions from all outlooks on anything else I can do at this point. Is it just supposed to happen this way? Him keep going and watch him lose his family? This is so hard because I know what it's like to be a addict and I wouldn't want anyone to give up on me, but again, I also don't want to be an enabler and I've made it clear I am not gonna do that. I just need some advice.

So, based on some conversations I've had with other addicts I don't think I'm unique here, but I think it's kinda rare. I'm nearly 6 months clean from my DOC and 102 days clean from everything. I get these full on flashbacks to using. It's always from good times but ones that were really messed up in retrospect. They lead to cravings and wanting to give up on my program (I'm in NA and attend meetings every day and am working the steps hard). Has anyone had any experience with this? Any tips or tricks to either lessen them or to deal with them? When it happens it's like I'm right back there and it's really hard to deal with.

Hi everyone, just need to get this out because I can’t tell anybody.

I almost hit 5 months but relapsed last night. Drugs were primarily my issue and I’m in outpatient so I do weekly drug tests as well as 2x a day breathalyzer tests. Last night after my nightly BA, I drank a fuck ton and went on a long ass walk by the river, drunk off my ass. I don’t remember much of it.

I pretended to lose my breathalyzer so I wouldn’t have to blow this morning. By the time I picked up another one tonight, I was back to 0. Nobody suspects anything.

Now I’m just left with thinking about how easy it was to get away with it and how I want to do it again. It fucking sucks. Why can’t I just have a normal relationship with this shit.

Anyways that’s all.

been sober for a while now and need to find a way to feel like im not dead or just exicisting

It's after midnight where I live, which means I officially have 14 years clean from gambling.

Blows my mind, because I remember exactly what the week before I got help looked like (house in foreclosure, maxed out credit cards, 3 payday loans, 3 401k loans, hated myself, couldn't sleep, couldn't think about anything much beyond how to afford my next bet, etc etc.)

I wanted to post this so anyone struggling knows it's possible to get better. I'm scared for the youth of today with the increase in online betting options, but I also know no one could have stopped me from doing what I wanted when I was younger.

I'm incredibly grateful for 12 step meetings, therapy, my amazing sibling who's always got my back, and a wonderful group of recovery and normie friends. I've built a life I never imaged 14 years ago, and while I no longer struggle with a constant urge to gamble, I keep working hard to make sure it never sounds like a good idea again.

....Thanks for listening, I'll be back.

That's it thats the post

I cant do this anymore

Not even the staying sober or the not staying sober

My time is over

I had been using on and off for like nights out and raves and stuff here and there. Went though a rough break up and it turned into every weekend. Every weekend turned into a couple times a week. Eventually it snow balled to where we are now.

In the last two months I have consumed about 3-4 ounces of cocaine by myself. I do anywhere from 2gs to 5gs a day. Some days I don’t use it I want to eat or catch up on sleep. But for the last three months it’s been that much at least 5 times a week.

At first I didn’t think it was an issue, it was my “hobby”. I was never late to work, always a top performer, was attending all my college courses and was getting A’s, was running and going to the gym, making time for my family and friends always, never went broke because of it, am actually in the best financial spot right now I’ve ever been in.

I’m SO productive when I’m skiing. I clean everything spotless, I get my homework done on time and go the extra mile (I’ve always hated school and without it I honestly don’t even log into class), I run all the errands I had been putting off, I will make budgets and savings plans, and a lot of the time I just sit in one place and just keep googling different things and learn so much about literally anything.

So it didn’t feel like it was ruining my life or it was a problem. I just never let myself think about the health aspect of it and told myself I’d worry about it when I cross that bridge.

Well, I’ve crossed that bridge. This isn’t just another perforated septum. I have destroyed the muscular flap that separates/seals my nasal passages from my throat. If I blow my nose while I’m eating, food can and has come out of my nose. When I breathe, I feel the air hit right in the back of my throat. It was starting to blow out chunks of I don’t even know what, tissue? What would you call that? Whatever it is, I’ve blown some crazy huge things out of my nose. And that didn’t stop me. I’d just switch nostrils.

The other morning I woke up and I blew out the biggest chunk yet and I knew something was different this time.

I felt a gaping hole in the back of my nostril. It didn’t connect to the other side, but rather when up and then back.

I’ve since made an appointment with an ENT, it’s for Tuesday at 7:45 am. That was the soonest one could see me.

I’ve reached out to my therapist’s office twice now trying to book a session.

I don’t want to stop, isn’t that sad? I literally have to. I have been aware of this for a while, and somehow knew I wasn’t going to stop until something physically happened to me.

Well, here we go. It happened.

My nose is constantly bleeding and it’s getting hard to hide. I don’t know how anyone believes I’ve just had “allergies” this whole time and hasn’t asked me any questions or had suspicions.

I use first thing in the morning, when I get to work, almost every hour I go to the bathroom and do a couple bumps, usually finish 2gs by the time I clock out. Then when I get home between 2-4 more gs.

At least once a week I will go two days without sleeping. I try not to do that too much, though.

Even when mentally don’t feel like doing it, physically my body still craves it. I can get past those cravings when my mind and body aren’t agreeing, it’s just the strangest thing.

Even with all of this being said, I don’t plan to fully stop until Friday. I have cut down my use significantly since discovering the hole, but I am an addict and have still been using.

I am actually using as I write this. I will probably do one more smaller line and then eat and try to go to bed.

And that’s another crazy thing, it’s gotten to the point where I can eat off the slopes.

Anyways, if anyone read this, thank you.

I just had to let it out somewhere.

I don’t need any lectures or a hard time or any comments of disappointment or opinions on what I should be doing instead or how I should stop use immediately.

I am aware of the consequences of my actions, and honestly, I just don’t care it seems.

I will be 3/4 days sober by the time I see the ENT. I have read that they usually require at least 10 days of documented sobriety (sometimes more) before being willing to perform any repair/procedure.

I can stop, I prove it to myself the days I take breaks to eat full meals or catch up on sleep.

I just don’t want to.

Honestly, reading this back to myself… I think I will make this next line my last. This is the first time I’ve said or wrote this out loud or in the open and, yeah… I need to change immediately.

Welp.

I have two ounces left of gear, I am contacting one of my old dealers now to see if they want to buy it off of me. And if they don’t, then honestly I might just gift it to them.

This is the real life of an addict.

I’ll update this post after my ENT consult. Mostly just to document my journey, I’m not sure if anyone cares.

Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far.

I’ll do better.

——————UPDATE 8/24————-

So my plan to start telling my people about this after my consult with the ENT fell through. I told oneee of my friends everything and they for some reason didn’t want me to wait that long so told everyone else herself without letting me know. I mean everything happens for a reason so I’m not mad about it, just like of :/ that I couldn’t have that moment for myself I was excited to come to them I never wanted it to get to a point where anyone came to meeee.

My friends had a whole intervention for me yesterday, all of them gathered up in the living room when I got home. It honestly felt unreal. It went well though I think. They were expecting me to be defensive, but like I already had decided this for myself before anyone knew so like idk why they didn’t take that into consideration. But yeah everyone’s happy I guess. I mean I’m not happy about my nose, but I’m happy I don’t have to hide this any longer and I can feel better about asking for support when I need it.

But ENT is still Tuesday (tomorrow) I’ll update what the verdict is on my nose. I’m hoping she’s not too far gone.

Before anyone jumps on how bad person i am please understand i know my shortcomings and I’m not proud of them, i am also bipolar and is only recently aware of that and working with myself.

I know my relationships in the past has been very toxic so thats why I’m seeking advice.
In the past I have only dated married men or unavailable destructive men. But the men have always been very obsessive with me and treated me like they owned me and were very possessive and jealous.

I have also never really been in a real relationship so i don’t have any experience.
But i have met a guy that i liked very much, and after talking for a few days we hooked up. After we had sex my feelings for him changed. The sex was good although it was my first time being with someone when i was sober. In the past i had always been using some drug and alcohol.

Now everyday he text me and says nice things and compliments me. Asking about my day and cares about my well being.

My genuine question is if this is normal and i should be happy to have found someone that cares for me. Or if I should be worried he is being too intense and obsessive.

Every time he tells me he miss me or compliments me i loose attraction. I don’t know why? It feels sometimes that something is wrong with me that i cant recognize a healthy relationship and good person being kind to me, or if its actually too much.

Hello everyone,

Has anyone had similar experiences after prolonged or heavy MDMA/cocaine use and can perhaps share whether the symptoms improved over time? I'm slowly losing hope that things will get better, but I would really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar and perhaps recovered after months or even years.

I used MDMA and cocaine for several years. Since my last heavy use in February, I've had severe cognitive and speech problems that, unfortunately, haven't changed. I've already seen a neurologist and a psychiatrist. My MRI was normal, although I'm aware that potential functional consequences of drug use don't necessarily show up on a standard MRI.

My biggest problems are:

* I hear spoken words, but my brain doesn't seem to process the content properly.

* I can barely follow conversations because entire sentences or connections sometimes don't register at all.

* When reading, I can understand individual words, but I often can't grasp the meaning of entire sentences or paragraphs. I therefore have to read texts several times.

* I can barely follow films and series because I have difficulty processing spoken language and the context.

* Formulating my own sentences and expressing myself verbally is also significantly more difficult than before.

I constantly wonder whether I've permanently damaged my brain or whether such symptoms can still improve significantly even after a long time.

I'm now aware that long-term and intensive MDMA use, in particular, can pose health risks to the brain. Unfortunately, I didn't think about this enough back then.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How long did your symptoms last, and did you notice any improvements after a longer period of abstinence?

I would be truly grateful for your experiences – especially from people who eventually felt significantly better.

I wanted to share my journey over the past year. It was harsh, but it is honest. I am sharing this so you know – even if you feel like you are at the very bottom right now, there is a way out.

To give you some background: I was only 16 years old when I started actively abusing alcohol. Sometimes, when the hangover was unbearable, I even drank eau de cologne (cosmetic alcohol) and even tried lighter fluid. Most of my friends back then were just drinking buddies. Today, they no longer talk to me because I am no longer on their level.

First, I admitted that I needed help. Second, I went to look for it. These lines describe my path:

BACK FROM THE BOTTOM

1. I am an addict and an alcoholic Life feels good when I can use Everything is going downhill anyway I try with all my might to get the substance.
2. I have lost everything I have given up on everything My only thought is to leave this world But maybe, somewhere, there is still help to offer.
3. Finally, I have hit rock bottom I have seen all kinds of life But then, I want to go to the place Where an addict usually does not dare to go.
4. Finally, a light glimmers in the distance for me Maybe this is the beginning of my sober life I no longer want to exist in a drunken present My desire is to live in a sober future.
5. Finally, the day arrived Where I see new hope in my soul. Then I get on the train, I am functional and aware, more or less.
6. When I finally arrive there, a conversation awaits about what weighs on my soul. Written on the paper is "OH, WHAT HORROR": My hands are shaking, and my strength is fading.
7. I am completely broken And I feel an awful shame A "big brother" (mentor) is assigned to me, Who supports me completely.
8. Then, time has moved on I have walked this path sober I write my letter of gratitude and forgiveness It is never too late to thank and apologize.
9. The paths here have been walked before, Ahead of me wait the "WORK HOUSES" To lay everything honestly on the board And hand it over to God in prayer.
10. Now time has come so far That I am making a plan for a new life. Finally, the day arrives When I see my graduation certificate.
11. I no longer want to drift in the fog, But guide my own destiny. The vision is to keep moving forward, I do not want my old life back.
12. But I will always remember One very good place They didn't talk empty words there, That place gave me back my hope.

Coming to a recovery center is not wasted time, it is won time. It is a place where you can deal with your real problem and find out WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

I saw with my own eyes that change is possible. DO NOT THINK YOU ARE WEAK WHEN YOU ASK FOR HELP. THE STRONG ARE THE ONES WHO SEEK HELP AND ADMIT THE SEVERE PROBLEM CALLED "ADDICTION", no matter what substance it comes from. THE HARDEST PART IS ADMITTING THE PROBLEM.

Do not listen to the opinions of others, act for yourself, and you will see the results you get... I got mine, and you can get yours too. I am here for you if you want to talk."

Thinking back to those first two months, I remember a specific Sunday morning at the recovery center. Before the church service, I sat down and wrote those first seven verses. It gave me so much strength just to put my pain down on paper, even if it was just for myself at the time. There was also a critical moment when the pressure got too high and I wanted to pack my bags and run away. A staff member there, who I had known since childhood as my brother’s good friend, stopped me. He looked at me and asked just two questions:

"WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM, and WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Answer these, and then we’ll see what you do." I sat there, drank my coffee, and really thought about it. I realized that going back meant returning to the dark, to the bottles, and to the person I used to be. So I chose to stay and go back to hard physical work. That work and that place taught me three heavy lessons that completely rebuilt me from the inside out:

1. PATIENCE – I had to learn that recovery does not happen overnight. I had to learn to take life just one single day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and not rush the healing process.
2. HUMILITY – I had to drop my pride and admit that I couldn't fix my life on my own. I had to learn to accept help from others, listen to guidance, and admit my mistakes without making excuses.
3. DISCIPLINE – I had to learn to do what was right, even when I didn't feel like it. It meant waking up, doing hard work, keeping my routine, and controlling my thoughts even when the old cravings tried to scream in my head.

This is real life, written by an addict myself. And I will be an addict for the rest of my life. You can live a good, clean life with it, but you must never lose your guard. As an addict who is now 5 years sober, I am always on guard. Every single day. I stay alert so I never have to walk that brutal path again, and so I never have to try and climb up from an even deeper bottom. But to everyone else out there: it doesn’t matter how long you have been sober—whether it’s 1, 2, 3 days, a week, or a month—know this: just one single sip, one single shot, and that spark in your brain turns back into a roaring fire. Everything you have built and achieved will be lost, and you will drop even deeper into the dark. Ask yourself: is one single beer, one glass of wine, or one shot of vodka really worth losing everything and having to walk this brutal path all over again

Hi all, just curious what made you decide to quit/get help. My partner is in active addiction and I feel like I've tried everything to help him but he still self-sabotages, isolates, and refuses to take any accountability. I've had to take a step back from him for a while because I can't continue watching him do this to himself. Of course, everyone is different but I am interested in hearing other people's experiences.

Hey reddit,

This is my first post here. I'm 53 days in recovery now from substances. I'm struggling with feeling lonely and empty inside. I have a deep rooted need for being around people and being loved by people. I change myself to be accepted by others, to not feel the feeling of rejection. I sometimes don't even know who I really am anymore. The last couple of days I've been trying to be my authentic self again. But I just don't know who that is, I constantly feel fear that people don't like me and because of that I'll end up alone. I have a couple of friends and when I'm with them I don't feel lonely. But when they are away and I'm alone again the emptyness fills me up again. My self-esteem and self-love is almost non existing because of my core belief that I'm not allowed to be myself else people with hate me and because of that I'm alone and lonely again.

Sorry for my bad wording but it's a big struggle for me.

So I need some advice from people in recovery who did feel the same as I do most of the time. I want to know how I can grow in my self-esteem and self-love.

been in treatment about three weeks and now its time to look for a sober living and im worried that i will fuck it up again or that i will not be able to find a job to pay

dont know if it is even worth the going to but id be homeless if not

I find myself at the lowest dose of buprenorphine I have ever managed to get to, after 6 years of being on methadone and then over to subutex and feel generally good; however, I am very aware that my receptors are now open to other opiates. Recently I could not collect for two days and ended up using over the counter opiates. Previously, these would have done nothing, but this time I felt them.

I have slowly removed all the meds I was using to keep anxiety at bay: pregabalin, zopiclone and latterly Phenergan. I recognise that I am used to getting home from a difficult day and taking something to relax. I have started to notice I am drinking daily - not a lot, but daily. Last week I was removed from one antidepressant and then put on another. I was fine for a week, but now have not been able to sleep for 3 days and feel like I am going nuts. Very weirdly, the switch has caused my buprenorphine dose to do absolutely nothing; before this, I always felt it - now I feel nothing at all. This sudden loss of a crutch has made me extremely nervous about relapse on something that is not availible over the counter. I am not getting withdrawal, but the mild high is not there anymore.

I have a GP appointment later. Hopefully I get some clonidine and I have asked not to be prescribed anything habit forming.

I really need to talk to others that understand - my only friend is my wife and she has never so much as broken a speed limit. I am very reluctant to go to NA after a horrible experience with one group and then finding myself being offered drugs at another. I have never used H and I really want it to stay that way, especially with the amount of nitazienes about and the loss of two close friends to OD after relapse. I feel like as soon as I have access to them, I will be beyond redemption - this is also the reason why I have never delved into internet procurement, despite being capable of finding my way there.

Any advice is welcome. Anyone that has been there, I would love to hear from you. I am in the UK.

It’s not like I want to be like this. I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be normal. I don’t want to be a slave. But I’ve been to rehab 10+ times and overdosed more times than that. I just can’t stop. There’s nothing my family has been able to do for me that’s helped. Nothing I’ve been able to do on my own. I’m 32 and I’ve been using since I was 12. Every time I got to rehab I tell myself “this is it. I’m done, I’m not going back. I’m not that person anymore.” And then I go 7 months and I’m back burning bridges and shooting dope. My sister died from this shit, and I’m just like her. I just wish I could stop. I wish I could be normal and happy. I want this to be over so bad.

I just relapsed & I am feeling like crap! Anyone have any experience dealing with the white devil?