Guys, I really need your help. I would like to know if any of you experience symptoms in the way I am about to describe them. I have already seen several doctors and psychologists, and I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADHD, autism combined with Peter Pan syndrome, major depressive disorder, and, most recently, schizophrenia. I have taken several different medications, including antipsychotics, lithium, ADHD medication, antidepressants, and anxiolytics. So far, I have not been able to completely control the psychotic symptoms.
My problems started in 2014, when my parents separated. I had always been a very lonely person, and things got worse because I decided to live with my father. However, I used to have much more contact with my mother's side of the family, and after the separation, I stopped visiting them. On top of that, I never really had friends because people considered me annoying.
At first, I didn't notice anything unusual, but I gradually became more stressed. As usual, I tried in every possible way to fit in with the popular kids in my class, but they ended up isolating me. Even so, that year I managed to make a few good friends, including the girl who would become my first serious girlfriend.
The following year, the more popular students isolated me even more, so I became stressed and changed schools. At that school, I had many friends, knew almost everyone, and stopped studying, spending most of my time just messing around with everyone. However, when my father saw my grades—which had always been good—he decided to transfer me back to my old school.
It's also worth mentioning that I had changed schools at one point because I had a serious argument with my father and went to live with my mother. When I returned to my old school, the atmosphere was much better, and the rest of that year was very good.
The following year, when I was in ninth grade, things got drastically worse. I ended up dating a girl—not seriously—but she cheated on me after only one week of dating. At the same time, I ended up getting into arguments with everyone in my class over stupid things. This time, all the students in my class isolated me, and I was forced to change classes again, this time at the school's administration's request because my behavior had become terrible.
During my first year of high school, I didn't know anyone in my new class except my best friend, whom I convinced to move to the same class as me. Even so, I ended up arguing with the entire class again and, once again, became isolated.
But this time was different. I had another, much more serious argument with my father. The next day, I went to school and suddenly realized that nobody liked me. Even my best friend had started doing other activities and no longer included me.
From that day on, I changed completely. I couldn't even speak in public anymore. I couldn't talk to anyone I didn't already know, and I felt extremely anxious in public places. I was 15 years old.
The following year, I had an argument with my older brother and ended up physically hurting him. This traumatized me quite badly. From that point on, I couldn't even defend myself when I experienced verbal—and sometimes even physical—aggression.
Even so, I continued with my life and eventually started dating again and had a reasonably active social life.
I started experiencing psychotic symptoms in 2023, when I was 21 years old. At the time, I had just ended a four-year relationship, had returned to studying engineering, was in my fourth semester, and had just gotten my first internship.
At the time, I was taking around nine courses at university, but I had enrolled in twelve and eventually dropped three. I was also doing my internship during the gaps between my classes because, in my country, engineering programs are full-time. This meant that on some days I would wake up at 4 a.m. to get to work early and wouldn't go to sleep until 11 p.m.
I experienced a lot of psychological abuse during that internship. As a result, I became increasingly anxious. I remember coming home from work feeling physical pain throughout my body because of the stress, and on my days off, I could barely get out of bed because of how exhausted I was.
My first strange memory happened at my father's birthday party. I had been drinking heavily and eventually blacked out. While I was unconscious, I somehow developed a memory that I had taken off my clothes and kissed my cousin's wife.
It's important to mention that, at the time, I was already taking a mild antidepressant to try to deal with the problems I had been experiencing.
After that, the first psychotic symptoms I experienced involved THINKING I was hearing other people's voices. They always came in the form of an old memory of a conversation I had had with that person. The person wasn't actually speaking inside my head in the present; rather, I would have a memory of that person saying that something was going to happen in the future.
One very important detail is that these memories talked about me in a derogatory way, but they ALWAYS prohibited suicide. They would say that I would go to hell if I killed myself and that I had to suffer here on Earth as a consequence of my sins.
These memories also told me that I was supposed to become rich, but because I had committed the sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, that would never happen. They also said that because of this, I would become a failure, a bad father, and a bad husband—which I believe are two of my biggest dreams in life.
For a long time, I also believed that I had masturbated in one of my university classrooms and that, because of this, the girls at university were planning to report me, set me up, and do other things to me.
Today, I know that this memory isn't real.
What I find strange is that I remember trying to force myself to acquire this memory because I was feeling very depressed and wanted a reason to feel like I didn't belong in society. However, even that memory isn't very reliable, because in the memory I was in my bedroom, and the location of objects in the room was wrong. For example, my bed was positioned horizontally rather than vertically, as it normally is.
I don't physically hear voices coming out of nowhere. However, when I can't hear someone perfectly, my brain interprets what they are saying as if they were saying negative things about me.
On the other hand, if someone is speaking directly to me, loudly and clearly, I have no problem understanding what they are actually saying.
Generally, I don't see things that don't exist. Instead, my brain creates memories of things that never happened and interprets them as if they were real memories.
If I think about these memories too much, I start feeling as though I am being persecuted because of the things I supposedly did in those "memories." And the more I think about them, the more my brain seems to improve them, add details to them, or create new and even worse memories.
Recently, my brain has started creating these memories in real time and replacing what I am actually seeing and doing.
For example, I was talking to my father about a job opportunity. Suddenly, I stopped talking for a few seconds—probably around three seconds—and, in my mind, I looked behind me and saw my younger siblings insulting me for approximately 30 seconds.
The thing is, I never actually looked behind me. I simply imagined the entire thing.
Another very important detail is that when I have memories like these, such as memories of my siblings insulting me, I cannot even move inside the memory and I can rarely say anything.
Even when I try very hard, they feel like episodes of sleep paralysis, except that I am awake.
I also cannot sleep like I used to before the psychosis began. Even while taking medication, I can only get one full night's sleep every three or four days, when I am completely exhausted.
What I have been trying to do is record things, and this usually makes the effects of these memories disappear when I compare the memories with the recordings.
Additionally, my father installed cameras inside the house, which has allowed me to better understand what happens to my body while my mind is hallucinating.
This is what allowed me to realize that there seems to be some kind of distortion of time.
From my perspective, several seconds or even minutes may have passed, but in reality, almost no time has passed at all.
One more thing that may be worth mentioning is that, since I was a child, I have always been someone who daydreams a lot and imagines scenarios or impossible things, usually just for fun.
At the moment, I am taking a fairly strong antidepressant, and this has been the best period I've had in the past three years. The voice has practically disappeared (it happened twice in the last two weeks), and I no longer feel like I am being persecuted. The memories are still happening, but they have become less frequent.
I would like to point out that antipsychotics didn't really work properly for me because they didn't take away the feeling that these memories were real. Quetiapine in particular made me extremely tired, to the point where I could barely get out of bed.
I've also been doing a lot of research into genetic testing to find out whether I carry any of the genes associated with schizophrenia. However, it seems that these tests are still somewhat experimental and that health people can have such genes too. Has anyone here ever had one of these tests done? To be honest i am kinda desperate with the diagnostic of schizophrenia I would do anything to get better and prove it's just a depression.