Wasn't her.

Dissociaton is the main reason it took me so long to figure out that I am trans and is still my main opp. Without im not dysphoric, I feel better but I starting thinking im not a "real" trans guy for suffering 24/7 from it which makes me dissociate, and if I am dysphoric then I feel like a fraud for it not making me feel "bad enough" therefor im not a "real" trans guy which also makes me dissociate... god I hate this

Tagged gender identity/dysphoria just since I'm a trans guy and other trans men transmascs might get dysphoric over the subject

Anyways I made a post previously about how I might've done a stupid and gotten myself pregnant by an impulsive self destructive decision to hookup with someone unprotected. The chances were really low but not zero so I was really scared and anxious.

Well

WOOOHOOOO IM NOT!!!! I definitely want to have a kid of my own and be a seahorse dad someday but right now is just not the time so I'm so happy I don't have to make any big and really difficult decisions anytime soon

I don't know why I keep trying to talk to my dad

My dad has been emotionally abusive and neglectful my entire life. Its been long well known that he is not someone I can count on for emotional support or understanding.

well, 3 months ago I decided i wanted to change my name. he used my preferred name at first, but I guess he eventually decided it was annoying and inconvenient, because he stopped.

he's now instant that it's just a nickname and he doesn't have to call me anything other than my legal name. last time I was over at his house he called me my legal name and my stepmom corrected him which triggered him to go on a rant about how my generation is always changing our names and he's sick of it. oh, and he also decided it's not actually disrespectful to only call me my legal name despite me asking IDK how many times for him to use my preferred name.

After that last interaction, I decided I wanted to have an actual conversation about this with him. Yesterday I spent my entire therapy session working on a DEARMAN script I can use to have that conversation. I thought it was really well put together.

I was SO anxious about it, but I ended up calling him and asked if he had a minute to talk. he said yes, so I started reciting my script. I got halfway through (like 3 sentences in) when he interrupted me, asked me if that was all I wanted to talk about, and hung up on me when I said yes.

I then texted him my script, because I wanted him to know what I had to say regardless of if it was on the phone or not. and his only response was to never text him anything like that again.

I spent the following couple hours crying on and off. I don't know what I expected, really.

Just wanted to vent and get this off my chest.

I don't want someone to give me their whole heart, I don't even want sex. I just want to remember what human warmth feels like.

Can't even talk about this shit because at best people think it's a "first world problem" and at worst they put words in your mouth and act like you're being entitled to peoples affections, or that you deserve, or that you brought it on yourself

oh to be a trans man, or to at least take testosterone. ive really considered it, like for real. either God hates women, or evolution does, because i have never liked being me

edit: typo. kill me lol

Repost because reddit hates trans people /s

People sometimes tell me that I should stop expecting the absolute worst from people, but every time I ask for anything, or when they tell me they're going to do something, it's never actually the truth. I know how fucking easy i have it, so i don't ever bring this up with the people who do this, they all have way too much to deal with for their top priority to be my completely irrelevant bullshit but still. I hate being told "oh yeah, we'll do that this weekend" or "I'll pick up your meds tomorrow" you never fucking will, and if i ever complain about it i get guilt tripped, so i have to pretend like i expect people to follow through on what they tell me, despite knowing that realistically, they never will. Fuck i'm sorry, I'm just fucked up today

Im not special; we’re all going through our own shit. I just need to get it off my chest but I also don’t want to talk about it so I will say these cavemen words:

Mother s-traffic
Brother r-word
Family no help , father enable
Other brother abusive recently and make me feel unsafe and confused ; we used to be best friends - I miss him - I miss a lot of people

have to stay as normal as possible as many days as possible
Trauma leaking thru my memory banks
I go from euphoric to deadpan out of nowhere

Who am I, where am I, when am I

Accessability Transcription:

Sad hulk realizes nothing is wrong with his brain. And it's literally just capitalism that is making him sad.

I always need something to keep my brain satisfied, so video games that get new content every month keep me happy and motivated. Other games become boring more frequently for me, which sucks... but it also makes me feel very overwhelmed quite easily (especially when there are big updates and the game throws way too many events and things at you). Also, if you play multiple gacha games, it can really become addictive. I know I had to stop playing some of those games because it was becoming like a chore, and the constant struggle gave me daily headaches and felt way worse than before. Right now, I only play 1-2 gachas and it feels much better but before, it was becoming way too addictive. I started looking into it, and there seem to be a lot of people with ADHD who play gacha games maybe due to the way it is designed.

what if instead of being the physically inferior sex who gets their rights taken away globally and is harmed for their gender and is never deemed atttactive enough because of horrific beauty standards and is dominated under major religions and is not taken seriously for not having kids and a victim of patriarchy in all of its forms, i just die?

Okay so vent time. Ive realized a lot about myself these past few days because ive fucked over my sleep schedule and stay up during the self reflection time of doom and despair (2-4 am) and ive realized that my mom might be some flavor of narcisist (maybe? Sorry if its bad to say that but idk what to call it :c). Shes always been a kind of helicopter mom that is very weird. She doesnt really let me have control over my own body [e.g. im only allowed to buy clothes she approoves of which look like baby clothes half the time, cant say "bad words" like "hate" or "ugly" yes im being serious i cant even say "hate" out loud bc she acts like i just said the nword, and most concerning of all she does not let me go outside] to be more clear on that last part, i am technically allowed in the backyard (not the front yard tho) but it dlesnt really have anything to do, since the swingset broke and the only other thing there is the washer and dryer. But besides that im not allowed to be outside the house at all. We live in a really safe street, i have a ton of stuff near the house (like 4 malls, a starbucks, fast food, all sorts of stuff) and i have a phone that i carry basically everywhere and would explode if i didnt have it. Yet she STILL insists im too little (literally omw to turning 16 🫩) to ever leave the house by myself. This wouldnt even be that much of a problem, that is if there was ANYONE i could have as a chaperone. But n0oºo°oOo°o⁰o she doesnt trust anybody to go with me. We live with my grandparents, but grandad works from 5 to 9 and grandma hasnt been able to walk properly in like 10 years, let alone drive me anywhere. We have a nanny (yes, my grown ass appearantly needs a nanny even tho ive been basically raising myself since i was 4) but she cant drive either and mom doesnt "trust" her enough. Im basically not allowed to leave the house until 7 or 8 pm when she gets home, and by then everything is closed. I know i probably sound like a spoiled lil brat (i am lowkey) but i dont know what else to think. Im not very good at explaining things, so ig i sound a bit annoying. I hate that im not allowed to be my own person. I think what happened is that she (mom) doesnt really.... get huzz 😭. Shes lowkey insufferable to be around, and i can tell even the few friends she has cant stand her anymore. Shes never dated after my dad and her split up (16 fucking years ago omg) and never had any kids after me. Also, my extended family is somehow worse, so she did pull herself together and cut them off. So the literal only things she has is my grandparents, her sister, and me. I think once she got pregnant with me, she realized that i wouldnt be like... a baby, for very long, and when i was born she tried everything to mold me into her like minion or sm? But the apple sometimes does fall far FAR from the tree, and i grew up to be pretty much the opposite from her (we have one 1 thing in common and that is that we love the enviornment). She didnt really know what to do after i stopped being a baby, so she just threw an ipad at me and hoped i didnt die, which suprise suprise has given me all sorts of problems!!! Idk if i could even explain all of them but ill start. Ive had problems involving my sexuality because im not allowed to express even the slightest of interest in anyone or anything, so to cope ive become an imaginary persona thats definitely too sexual for my age and have had since i was about 5 to 6 years old. Secondly, ive had a lot of violent thoughts because of not being allowed to express any negative emotions plus not being allowed outside tends to drive you mad (yeahhhh mom its not like isolation is considered a form of inhumane torture in most prisons or anything) oh and also being raised on jeff the killer fanfics isnt the best plan to not raise a violent person. Third, not my mental health, but my physical health too. I started boredom eating when i was about 4 and ive been trying to reverse the damage it has done to me ever since, but since im not allowed to go outside, i cant lose weight by excersising. A ton of other stuff too but thats the main stuff. I dont really blame her. I think she might be a narcisit but she just doesnt understand it yet. It really isnt her fault that she did this to me, but it still hurts that shes stolen not my childhood, but my teen years, which is something i really cant get back no matter how much i try. Its easy enough to heal your inner child, go to the playgroud, watch cartoons, eat candy, all kinds of stuff. But teenagehood is such a specific and time sensitive age that is so much harder to heal the neglect its been given. Idk anymore chat, any like advice or sm? :p

Everyday I feel like it’s pointless to have goals because of the current state of the environment I really try not to give into doomerism because that’s really unhealthy but I really do feel pessimistic about all of this. Seeing the hottest day of the year every day.. places with endless drought causing water insecurity, the idea that crops will fail one day… with having ocd I’m almost constantly going over the worse case scenarios. I think I have pretty simple dreams but they feel so far away in this timeline .. I really wanna be a mom one day but I feel so afraid to have that dream because if this is the set of circumstances I have rn I’m scared to give a baby what is left of the world (think I just wanna adopt maybe but it’s still so fucking scary). I also just wanna own a house which also feels really hard to achieve for different reasons I just want the simple things whats so difficult about all the things that used to be so easy I feel like I’m losing my mind.