"I've fallen in love with you, Derek."

I hear it’s called minimum wage.

Unfortunately, I was so high, I could only reply with a sheepish grin.

Long answer is nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

Well I have nothing to offer, let me try to bring you up, it'll be funnnnnny.

She told me the liquor store is closed on Sundays.

Now I spam it all the time, with little love notes.

Then my father returned from his commute complaining of the same blocked roads I would have faced, and suddenly, my 'sin' became a perfectly plausible detour.

Via dreidelscope.

Where the joy gently grazes beside the frustration,

And every feeling finds its way home.

He yelled "Urine luck!"

​

He tries to deposit a cheque, forgetting to conjugate some of the words on the cheque, and the ATM screen displayed: Declined

All done solely with giraffes.

I think that means she keeps swiping left on me, but I love that.

This morning, I spotted a raccoon digging in my neighbor's trash can. When I yelled to scare it off, it looked up at me and said, " Mind your own damn business."

That's pretty much how I describe my relationship with the food delivery guy.

He cleared his throat as he pulled out a Merriam-Webster dictionary.

God Knows

It's a bigger deal than the first time you marry a cousin!

So congratulations — you’re humanity’s greatest hero, and also… yeah, sorry about the lifelong celibacy thing.

After Dolly Parton's tragic passing in Nashville,the family have announced a balloon release in her memory.Will probably be two large ones.

Basically, do you like your Waters sparkling or still?

Oops, eye did it again!