It's unfortunate that you can't see how good of a person you have you constantly disregard him and don't see that he is struggling you just turn your head. You constantly complain about the things they do instead of just accepting them for who they are. You never really gave him a chance to do themselves because they always had to be what you needed them to be at the time. You use them until he wasn't useful to you anymore and by the end of the day he built up so much hate that he didn't even recognize himself anymore. If only you knew how to love somebody unconditionally and understand that they are more than just your Workhorse keeping your life going while I'm inside he is feeling worthless because he still has nothing even so you promised him so much more I don't give him the time to become better and the person he was when you met him. Maybe one day you'll realize how good you actually had it but unfortunately by the time that happens it'll probably be too late because the smile you put on your in front of him he realizes was just fake because you have no idea how to actually be there for somebody else other than yourself.

Why you have to pick me?? Why me? Im the most sweet, nice, kind person you ever met. With all this lies. Fake promises than you told me
And you said I was being delusional? You know how hard you broke my heart? You know how bad you treat me? What did I do to you to deserve this? You fuckep up my brain, my health. And you didn’t give a shit for what you did. Not taking accountability for your actions, it’s insane. And you was already fucking with all this woman, telling them lies about me. Fucking Narcissistic, you cry telling all this bullshit, that’s what you do with this other woman?? You tell them the same fucking lies you told me?? Oh I can spend hours and hours with you and I can’t feel the time??? You say that to them too? “I love the way you are a hard working woman, you are a good mother”, All this bullshit and then you basically throw me away like if I was a bag of trash.
I’m so frustrated. It’s so painful!!! Motherfucker I want you to pay for what you did to me. All the nights I spend helping you. All the time I wasted giving my time my energy. And you just simple hurt me and laugh about it?? I wish KARMA HURTS YOU. And I want to see that. You are the most horrible human being. You are not a good person you are the worse and you pretend you are a nice person in front of others. When nobody knows the way you treated me!
I will heal from all this pain. I know but now it’s so hard to get over of all of this. I hate you S.B.

Once respect disappears, the rest falls with it. The attraction dies, the affection quietly fades, and you become just another ordinary person in a crowded room.
I can never trust you again—not because I’m consumed by bitterness, but because you demonstrated that your character shifts whenever convenience demands it. I exhausted every ounce of myself handing out second chances, persistently painting your red flags white just to keep you inside the picture. I gave everything to make it work, but you refused to do right by me. You took someone who was entirely all-in, openhearted and loyal, and methodically taught her how to master indifference.
And truthfully, I don’t carry any hate for you. Hate requires passion. Hate is an expensive emotional investment, and my bank is permanently closed. I don't wish you pain, nor do I want to see you fail. I actually hope you win. I hope you finally become the person you spent so much energy pretending to be. You just have to do that work far away from me, on the other side of the peace I rebuilt with my own two hands.
Consider yourself officially evicted from my energy.
I forgive you. Truly. I am crossing out the ledger and canceling the debt, but forgiveness has never meant granting reentry. It simply means I am done showing up to collect on a promise you were never capable of keeping. I can never look at you the same way again. The person I loved doesn't exist anymore; standing in front of me is just a stranger wearing a familiar face.
There is no bad blood here. The bridge doesn't even need to burn—it is simply closed. I have finally learned when to stop walking down paths that lead nowhere.

You don't need to know this, which is why I'm writing it from a completely random profile in a sub I've never once posted in before…

but…

Today is apparently our "Facebook friend anniversary"! Yippee! Okay, you can know that part. It's what that reminded me of that you don't need to…

The last time I ever initiated sex with her was probably not all that long after now, however many years ago. The night of the birthday party. You know, the one where you looked so goddamn pretty with all those little fires glowing?

Yeah. I was already not sleeping that night because of that. But then, somewhere right around 2am…

You tapped the heart button on some weeks old FB post of mine.

And I dunno what it was about just that silly little heart… I mean, my frickin' boss gives me hearts on things FFS, but…

Fuck. It kicked me into overdrive.

For a minute there, I'm not even sure I even cared what I was… you know… doing. I just had to… do… something.

And, so there she was.

So… I woke her up. Did the thing. Aaaaaand…

then spent the rest of the night feeling miserable about it.

Oh, it was so fucked up.

So fucked up.

I felt guilty about "cheating" on you.

I felt guilty that you were where all that energy came from.

omg, I had never…

I was gonna be a "married forever" guy.

I mean, ok, sure… that particular dream already got all nice and crackled when she went and actually fucked some other dude.

But still.

Anyways. Boy howdy.

It's been a road since then.

And you know by now that I'm a horny mofo.

Still, though.

I can't do it. Not anymore. Not with her.

So I haven't initiated. Not since then.

And she has the libido of a soggy cracker someone dropped into the kitchen sink somehow, sooooo…

Yeah. Basically no sex. For, what… seven years now?

Fuck, man.

When you and I both finally slip these fuckin' chains…

(not that you're trying, no, I know, I get it, I understand your history very well, and as much as I would love to see you free, even if not with me… I know it's, like, super extra double complicated for you… just as it is for me, even if our reasons are worlds apart… but, man, what a side-track…)

When we finally get together. When I'm finally allowed to actually touch you…

Holy fuck.

We're going to set the world on fire.

I guarantee it.

Anyhoo.

I see things differently. Always have, even before i knew what this 'lens' was.

I saw something on TV. The world sees a thief, pointing their pitchforks as they yelp under a very mediocre level of influence.

I see someone who perhaps found themselves somewhere foreign, dark—they made a choice, maybe another choice after that one. Their destination, not point A, vastly different and probably closer to G.

Wait til you get your 5th broadcast, where one is then awarded a plastic drink bottle from them. Come see my Tupperware collection one day.

I've been where you are. I have been there many many years. Alone. I found solace only briefly in the demon drink. Was never violent, only sad, depressed. Some saw this as opportunity to take further advantage, identifying the financial incentive (another economical masterpiece of our beloved elected leaders), they made a quick buck here and there, a new TV here, a trip oversedas there... while I lost my soul, destroyed who the remnants of who I was, defied principles.

I had nothing at one point. Started to go back to study. Not sure about it anymore. I think I hate people too much.

I tried doing the unthinkable, 3 times so far. Went to do it for the fourth the other weekend, however Lucifer was not ready for me just yet—fair.

Identity - gone.

Everything I worked for - gone.

I still often wake up morning, bittersweet. The sunrise is nice, yet dang, I survived another night.

I don't know what happened with us. I do want to find out. I thought it was real in parts, those were the times I felt like my old self again, the one I was known for. I'm nothing now. My family don't invite me to things. They're proud of themselves and don't want the association. I never liked them anyway. The other half of the family already left this earth too young unfortunately. In the meantime everyday is treading water. Marking time. Til the final fallout.

You have someone here potentially with unconditional love and support. But you're going to have to show me something. I've been ambushed before by you, dragged back into a world accompanied with habits and traits that defy and broke my spirit once. There are no guarantees with this now, maybe it works, maybe not. I never got closure, and have questions as you may also. I can't be fooled again.

In person... where and when?

Him.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say to you.

Sometimes I’m frustrated with you. Sometimes you frustrate the hell out of me. And I know you probably feel the same way about me. I know you get frustrated with everyone. I think that’s just what happens when you’re human and you’re around people long enough. We disappoint each other. We misunderstand each other. We get on each other’s nerves. Sometimes we don’t know how to be what the other person needs.

But there’s something you don’t know.

Something you probably couldn’t know, because I don’t think I’ve ever really said it.

I’m glad you’re in my life.

I’m glad I’ve had the chance to know you. To watch you. To learn from you, even in ways you probably never intended.

You’ve shown me something about discipline. About consistency. About stability. About just… showing up. There’s something about the way you are that has made me think about those things differently. And I don’t think you realize how much that has affected me.

I’m trying to learn some of that for myself.

I’m trying to become someone who can be steady. Someone who can trust herself. Someone who doesn’t need everything to be perfect or everyone to understand her in order to keep going.

Maybe you have no idea that you’ve helped me with that.

Maybe you never will.

But I want to put it somewhere, even if the only place it ever exists is here, on a piece of paper I eventually burn.

Thank you.

Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for the things you’ve taught me without even realizing you were teaching me. Thank you for being exactly who you are, even when I don’t understand you and even when I’m frustrated with you.

I don’t know what place I’m supposed to have in your life, or what place you’re supposed to have in mine.

I just know that you matter to me.

Probably more than you know.

And I needed to say that somewhere.

The last few months, I’ve tried so hard to be happy to the best of my ability. I struggle on a daily basis to even function. I try to tell you in the most subtle way because I don’t want to admit to you that I’m falling to the deep end again. The feeling never really goes away. You can get better. You can get medicated, but it always comes back. More recently it’s been so hard. How do you explain to the people you love that you can’t even think without hating yourself in some way. I never can explain how it actually feels. How do you explain to someone that you feel like you’re drowning not hopeless and not just sad. I’m at a point that I feel like I’m just sitting underwater and it’s so hard to go up. I get so close to the surface and then I sink. You work so hard to get to a point that you don’t want to hate yourself. You don’t want to think the way you are. It’s hard to explain it to someone who has never experienced it. I would never wish it upon anybody to feel the way that I feel now I just wish my family and everyone understood how I actually feel.

I would call you all family… but these days you’re just my blood. That doesn’t make you family. I watched each one of you, intentionally hurt me.. and the pointed to laugh at me while I sat in agony.

You wanted to take the only thing that mattered to me, my children. And that made you feel superior. Many nights while I slept in my car, wondering why I wasn’t wanted at the family gatherings.. simply because I refused to play the role you all assigned me. It didn’t make sense to me… and now I see.. why you aren’t meant to sit at my future table.

I forgive you all.. but I won’t forget the pain you all caused me when I was at my lowest. Now is when I say goodbye. But not because I hate you, I don’t. I’m just finally choosing myself. I have too much love in my heart to let any of you drain it or my purpose in life. Thanks for the 34 years of memories.. but I’m no longer the woman you remember. And she’s not coming back this time.

u are like some kind of parasite in my head.. idk how to shut u off, i'm not trying to make myself look like a victim of my feelings or anything like that.. it would clearly be easier to justify myself by saying: what can I do? this is stronger than me, and give in to my feelings and my desire because it's much more comfortable... but I'm not that kind of person and that's not what I'm doing.. I've tried (and I'll keep trying) everything to get u out of my system, I don't look u in the eye, I don't talk to u unless it's strictly necessary.. if u say something, I respond, but I don't look at u. I've ignored ur calls and messages (and I'll keep doing so), but this is consuming me.. I don't want to feel this.. and honestly idk what else to do.. and your fuckin' face keeps showing up in my mind.

Whether I'd have been the man beside you, or the drunk getting kicked out for pissing off the geese, or absent entirely.

I always wanted you to know I'd have cheered you, celebrated you, because that's just who I am.

The impression I chose to make in staying in something my heart of hearts told me I needed space from, time to reflect, time to feel adjacent from the brown eyes spikey haired midget I'd come to see felt so much that I could ever put into words.

Hearing emotions and feelings put to words like nothing, when those feelings dodged verbal dictionizing.

I miss you and I have no right, I still check in to see a smile old or new, but I know where I let things rot, and I won't disrespect the kindness and companionship I'd once been given the same way I did what we both called love.

I was such a hypocrite it makes me laugh, because I saw myself as better then thou, pausing and almost recoil from what I'd seen as social or emotional naivety only to that shattering perception and reality split what I'd once have called a good man in twain.

I'm ok, I'm not upset nor bitter, because I had an entire relationship to be that way, now I just mourn, mourn the message never received, the actions I always took tut the words that never followed or propped them up.

And the promises and speeches I made only to fall back into the fog, living to serve, living to please, was no way for two people to live in service to eachother, whether from guilt, love or otherwise, I had no right to take from you when my only boundary, the truth cost you so much pain.

I wasn't controlling at first, but absolute power corrupts absolutely. And I hope for both our sakes nobody ever hands me those reigns as you once did.

Love has many forms but the one I hold for you isn't one that changed even if my words and actions did, that's why I'm a threat and I'm sorry.

I wish I knew how things were from your perspective so I can represent the situation correctly. If you saw a friendship, where I saw a relationship.. could you tell me your perspective? I want to honor you and make sure I’m listening to how you saw it as well. Maybe now is when I ask the question I’ve wondered for an entire year: and if you don’t want to answer me right now that’s okay too. But just know, I’m genuinely curious. I think that would help me better commit to what I think to be true. Either way I’ve found healing, but this is something I think I’ve been afraid to ask so it remains unsent 🙃

To N from J

Like glue, thats how we were. The second we locked eyes we never stopped looking. The second I grabbed your hand you never let go. Your hand in mine, my hand in yours. We held on tight that winter hibernating in my bed. Each depressed but for different reasons neither of us were willing to talk about. How could we? We just met. All we both knew in that moment is that we needed each other.

It’s ironic that the saddest moments I recall become my happiest with you. I felt everything in those moments were genuine. I’ll never forget the way you first looked at me with those big brown eyes. Mesmerizing, bright, and deep down screaming for real connection. You never had to say the words, I just knew because I had always felt the same way.

Over time I got see all the different sides of you. Some I’m still madly in love with. The others? They can’t stand me. They hurt me whenever the opportunity arises. Still I don’t hate those sides of you.

I’m not sure if you put a spell on me because I don’t think I’ll ever be truly upset with you. I can’t even think of the word hate. It’s too string of a word. I cant even think back to that cold winter where we held on as tight as we could. Depressive moments that are now happy thoughts eventually turn back to depression.

I have no choice but to let go. In the near distance is a fork in the road and both options lead to misery. Has anyone ever thought of just turning back? Not in time but turning back so that I can still remember all that has happened. I don’t ever want to forget.

I’m a morning person but with you I’m a night owl. The countless nights of infinite conversation and never ending laughter is my favourite part of us. That part I choose to cherish. Separated from all the bad. I refuse to mix the two!

Some days we would constantly fight but as soon as the sun went down we always said our sorries and got back to basics. The basics are all that ever mattered to either of us anyways. That was us at our core. Two individuals raw, unfiltered, and accepting. Best friends during the night? That’s partly correct. I don’t think the term best friends fully describes our connection during those finite moments. I don’t know if there is a description for us.

Regardless! Through all the hardships I choose to go to sleep or daydream thinking about those nights.

As the cold ground defrosted, tree’s began to blossom. I fear to admit that our relationship didn’t. You never told me those words but just like those eyes of yours I could feel it.

My heart still screams for you in every waking moment. Has never missed a beat. It’s why even tho we don’t talk anymore I know somewhere you’re still listening. I know you will someday read this and know I’m talking about you. Just like those eyes of yours.

Summer’s almost over, it’s time to hibernate again.

This is my final message. Stay warm this winter. ❤️

I’m in some ways forever yours:
J

I am a ghost. I always will be. I fight for everything and everyone just to be forgotten and left behind. The only reason I don’t hang myself in my closet everyday is because I want to make it become rich just to see the faces of everyone who forgot about me before I finally dove head first off a cliff. I don’t care about dying anymore. I stopped caring about living. I’m tired of giving myself to everything and everyone just to be left with nothing. There’s not enough left for me to stand on anymore.
I hate you especially S. More than anything. I helped you through the depression and heartbreak of someone else that you didn’t even tell me the truth about all just to break me and act like I meant nothing. Even now even after I finally left you my love, you still make me feel empty and alone. You made me feel exactly how you did when I first met you and I hate you for it. You took the bits of joy and peace I found for myself after years of clawing my way out of this deep water that’s always flooding me. I hate you. You couldn’t even look me in the eyes tell me to my face you never loved me. You just acted nonchalant like I was just tripping over spilled water. And you are a coward. Even now I care. And I hate that I do. I will all I felt towards you was hatred. I hate that the person I fell in love with isn’t real just a mask you wore. I genuinely hate you and hope I forget about you.
You topped it over the edge for me and I wish I never met you. You’re a piece of s\*\*\* for making me grieve this fake ass relationship we had. Glad you’re finally happy tho. I really am. Leaving you was the only thing I ever did right. I hate my family too. So many of them and I feel so alone. I just wanted someone who cared as much about me as I do them. I will never be so weak again to care. Never again. I’m better off just dead instead of just hating myself everyday but I promised myself I wouldn’t try to commit suicide again.

What's with the Facebook dating? You told me that we were good and that you weren't on any dating sites. Turns out, you lied one more time. How am I supposed to trust you? You're such a fucking liar.

Cowards, the both of us…

Too afraid to stay. Too afraid to leave.
So we lingered in the space between longing and goodbye,
pretending silence hurt less than honesty,
while love slowly became something we mourned instead of lived.

Things were going well. We have been getting along as friends. You said you want to be in your son's life full time, get a job, and get a house with us. Now, you say as soon as your car is running, you're leaving town...so, I guess I don't need to look for a place right now, and can save my money for a bit longer, and stay with my mom.

I keep thinking about you, but in the calmest way. You just pop up in my head as I go about my day. And you give me so many good things to remember; things that I can replay in my head and smile about. One of my favorite moments is when you pop through the double doors, it's like I'm seeing you for the first time all over again; my gaze lingers for a few seconds longer, admiring the beauty of you. I remember the first day I saw you, I was a little star struck, as if my heart recognized you. It's always the first few seconds, like I forgot what you look like and I get to remember it all over again, like I get a nice reminder that you exist.

The moments you've given me to smile about are so simple and I love it. It's when you call me "lady" and make me feel soft. It's when you smile your big charming smile. It's the sound of your laughter. It's the moments when we lock eyes. It's when you imitate me to pick on me. It's the way we banter and horseplay. It's when you stand close to me to show you a video. It's when you grab my wrist to cover it in chicken grease because I teased you about a comment you made. It's the way we keep rolling our inside jokes. It's the way you pick on me to get my attention. It's the way you say my name and let it linger a little longer than most. It's when you send me hearts in your messages and show your softness. It's the way you respect my boundaries, the way you respect my pace. It's the way you're imperfect and not trying to impress me.

You feel real. I like that you feel real.

We're taking it slow and I like every second. This feels grounded and I really appreciate it. Do you know any of this, right now? No.. not fully. You seem to shy away a little when things get a little emotionally heavy; that's okay, I'll hold back until you're ready to get more serious. It's still early and we're having fun with it. Hopefully this can grow into something beautiful. I'm not worried about you, I'm excited about you. ♥︎

I spent so much time trying to understand why a simple, honest conversation felt like pulling teeth, but I see it clearly now: facing what happened forces you to look at who you were when you did it, and you would rather let me carry the wreckage than look at your own hands. I kept coming back because I thought our history meant something.

I believed that every sacrifice, every heavy load carried while holding our life together, and every single thing we built from the ground up had earned us the right to the truth. I thought that when you break something between two people who poured their entire lives into the same foundation, you get down on your knees and help pick up the pieces. Instead, you stood back and made my grief the actual offense. You turned my reaction into the crime.

You picked apart my tone, dissected my timing, and treated my hurt like an inconvenience you shouldn't have to deal with. Standing in front of the person who is supposed to know you best, watching them deliberately choose not to understand just to protect their pride, is a quiet kind of devastation. You made me feel like I was crazy for remembering the truth. You let me sit in the exhausting loneliness of carrying the wound, the history, and the blame for daring to speak.

You called it wanting peace, but it was never peace. It was compliance. You wanted a quiet room bought with my swallowed dignity. As long as I kept showing up, doing the work, and pretending the foundation wasn't cracked, everything was fine. But the second I asked for accountability, I was suddenly the one "disturbing the peace." You were just waiting for me to get tired enough to stop asking you to face yourself. I know what real grace looks like, and I know what it costs.

Grace isn't pretending the fire didn't burn; grace is having the courage to stand in the ashes together so you can rebuild. But you cannot heal what you refuse to acknowledge. Keeping silent doesn't make the hurt disappear—it only demands that I abandon myself to keep you comfortable. And I am finally done disappearing just to keep an illusion alive.

Once respect disappears, the rest falls with it. The attraction dies, the affection quietly fades, and you become just another ordinary person in a crowded room.
I can never trust you again—not because I’m consumed by bitterness, but because you demonstrated that your character shifts whenever convenience demands it. I exhausted every ounce of myself handing out second chances, persistently painting your red flags white just to keep you inside the picture. I gave everything to make it work, but you refused to do right by me. You took someone who was entirely all-in, openhearted and loyal, and methodically taught her how to master indifference.
And truthfully, I don’t carry any hate for you. Hate requires passion. Hate is an expensive emotional investment, and my bank is permanently closed. I don't wish you pain, nor do I want to see you fail. I actually hope you win. I hope you finally become the person you spent so much energy pretending to be. You just have to do that work far away from me, on the other side of the peace I rebuilt with my own two hands.
Consider yourself officially evicted from my energy.
I forgive you. Truly. I am crossing out the ledger and canceling the debt, but forgiveness has never meant granting reentry. It simply means I am done showing up to collect on a promise you were never capable of keeping. I can never look at you the same way again. The person I loved doesn't exist anymore; standing in front of me is just a stranger wearing a familiar face.
There is no bad blood here. The bridge doesn't even need to burn—it is simply closed. I have finally learned when to stop walking down paths that lead nowhere.

We keep saying,
"Look at the lotus."

How beautifully she blooms.
How she rises from the mud
without letting the mud
cover her petals.

We call her beautiful.
We call her strong.
We call her resilient.

We make her a metaphor
for surviving.

"Be like the lotus."

But have you ever asked the lotus
how she feels?

Have you ever wondered
if beneath those beautiful petals,
somewhere beneath the surface,
she is screaming,

"Why am I here?"

"Why is everything around me so dark?"

"Why can't I breathe?"

We stand beside the water
and admire her beauty.

But we never step into the mud.

We never stay there
long enough to understand.

Stay there.

Just stay.

Feel the heaviness
around your roots.

Feel the stagnant water.

Feel the things crawling
beside you.

Feel the darkness.

Feel the suffocation.

Then tell me...

would you still call
the mud beautiful?

Maybe the lotus doesn't want
to be a symbol of resilience
every single day.

Maybe sometimes
she just wants fresh water.

Fresh air.

A little space to breathe.

Maybe she doesn't want
to prove that she can survive.

Maybe she simply
wants to live.

And what about the nights
nobody sees?

When something crawls
too close to her roots.

When worms eat away
at what she has been trying
so desperately to protect.

When the snails emerge
from the darkness.

Do you think she doesn't feel it?

Do you think she doesn't scream?

Her petals may remain beautiful.

But beauty doesn't mean
there was no pain.

And perhaps
that's where we misunderstand
the lotus completely.

Because we only see
the flower.

We never see
what it had to endure
to become the flower
we admire.

And perhaps we do the same with people.

We look at someone who survived something painful and say, "You're so strong." We admire how beautifully they carried themselves through something that could have broken them. We tell them how inspiring their resilience is, how they managed to bloom despite everything that happened to them. And perhaps we mean it with love. Perhaps we genuinely want to remind them of their strength. But sometimes, I wonder if we are so fascinated by someone's ability to survive that we forget to ask whether they ever wanted to survive that way in the first place.

Sometimes people don't want to be admired for how beautifully they are carrying their pain. Sometimes they don't want another person standing outside their mud, pointing at them and saying, "Look how strong you are." Sometimes they are simply screaming, "Can someone please get me out?"

We love the lotus because we stand outside the mud. We love the story because we don't have to live inside the suffering. We see the flower, not the darkness beneath it. We see the bloom, not the roots. We see the beauty, but we don't feel what touches it in the water. We don't know how many times it has been hurt, disturbed, suffocated, or forced to keep growing simply because there was no other choice.

And maybe that's something we should remember when we look at people too.

Not every person who is smiling is comfortable. Not every strong person wants to keep being strong. Not every beautiful thing came from a beautiful place. And not every person who survived wants their suffering turned into an inspirational story.

Sometimes resilience is not the answer.

Sometimes the answer is relief.

Sometimes the strongest person in the room needs someone to sit beside them and say, "You don't have to be strong with me."

Sometimes they don't need advice.

They don't need another reminder of how much they've overcome.

They don't need to hear that everything happens for a reason.

They simply need someone willing to step into the mud with them.

Someone willing to get their hands dirty.

Someone willing to stay.

Someone willing to look beneath the petals and ask the question nobody else thought to ask:

"Are you actually okay here?"

Because perhaps the greatest lesson isn't to become a lotus that can survive any mud.

Perhaps it is to understand that even the lotus deserves clean water.

Even the strongest deserve relief.

Even the resilient deserve rest.

Even the beautiful deserve to breathe.

And sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for someone isn't to tell them how beautifully they are surviving.

It is to reach into the mud, hold their hand, and quietly ask,

"Do you want help getting out?"

I’ve come full circle. Full spiral? I don’t think the last year was totally wasted. I destroyed a bunch of stuff despite my best efforts. That was not the goal, but almost universally the outcome. 

I guess it’s for the best. Can’t tame the beast? Kill or be killed. 

It feels weird to be right back in almost the exact same mindset after wrestling with all of the driving variables for this long. Is it a mark of stupidity that I cannot just take anyone’s word for it, including my own at times? I have to stubbornly experience it all to arrive at the same conclusions. 

I didn’t really have a plan, I just knew I was done with what I was doing. Exhaustion and resentments had built too much and I could tell Vesuvius was going to blow and take out the people of Pompeii with me. 

It seems it was all doomed anyway. Circle of life? I still don’t have a solid plan of what I’m going to do. More of a guide for what I don’t want to be, with a few new chapters and addendums as I round the corner to pass GO again. 

I realize now that what you did wasn't an act of cruelty, rather a final act of love. Though it breaks my heart I realize now your reaching out after so long wasn't because you saw something there. It was because you saw the hurt was still fresh in my heart. I know now our last night together ended in ghosting because I needed a reason to hate you. I needed a reason to move on, and it worked. I am. She's wonderful, and absolutely nothing like you. Thank you for being the lesson I needed, thank you for giving me the strength and courage to move on. I'll always cherish our time, and fondly remember the family we had however briefly. I'm sorry I wasn't better for you at the time.

It's sad on both ends honestly looking back. Even though so much time has passed it still so very disappointing. Then again my pov on the whole scenario has been quite delusional.

What is truly mind blowing and would be cool to know is why all the threats and accusations. I'll never get a straight response and I'm sure of that.

You know I did the best I could. I tried to be the utmost respectable. Yeah I didn't handle things in the end well because it was a hard pill to not just swallow but understand. I'm umm I guess ok now but honestly put yourself in my shoes. Just for a second. It's not a cake walk for sure. Idk anymore honestly. Yeah I let my drinking get the better of me and betrayed you. And that is something I can't fix. I've tortured myself over that continuously. I know it was all real for me and worst part of it all is I felt like I truly just fooled myself thinking you felt the same which I know so.e of it you did.

Honestly it still fucks me up when the air around me becomes still. And for some reason after everything I still admire and say positive thing about the woman I once knew.

Ain't that a bitch. Like I said before straight across the board.

I remember when you said that sometimes an unexpected, unannounced visit could be an acceptable idea. Being spontaneous with you, instead of always needing a formal invitation and a planned gathering. Of course, we were friends then, and I was still comparing myself to one of your guy friends—not in a healthy way, but with jealousy and fear. I wouldn’t dare put myself out there because of the possibility of rejection and the humiliation I’d face, standing outside your front door.

But I did it. After months of no contact, I dropped by your house, ready to surprise you and the little one. Hopeful and optimistic about what might unfold for the three of us that day. I came prepared, with no expectations, just as you always told me to do.

You weren’t there.

I knocked and waited. Rang and waited. Waiting turned into more waiting. I watched kids ride bikes down the street, saw people working on their yards, and noticed that one house where all the car work happened. I saw the next-door neighbors had put their house up for rent. I thought about calling you, but instead, I called an Uber and went to the Cheesecake Factory, where I enjoyed cheesecake alone and then took myself to the movies. I wandered around downtown Fort Worth for a while, soaking in the nightlife and the company of strangers. I didn’t mourn the failed unannounced visit; I didn’t let it ruin my day. I told myself I’d put myself in an uncomfortable position to allow any possible outcome. I didn’t try to call or text you on the way back home. I let thee attempt be enough. I left, not even knowing you’d move out of Texas unannounced as well.

That unannounced visit would my last chance to see you before you both left.

This crosses my mind, and again, it’s just for me to let it out. I don’t expect to find you here on Reddit, just as I don’t expect to find you at what was once home. I just needed to give my unannounced thoughts a place to visit. No expectations, just release.