I’ve been in vetmed for over 10 years. I worked as an unlicensed tech and then through the OTJ pathway obtained certification. I couldn’t afford college when I was younger. I now work at a university, in a very specialized department that’s high pressure/high stakes, don’t want to share too many details. But I know many people who have spoken about wanting this specific position. For some people in my department it’s their dream job.
But I cry every morning before going in. I have nightmares about looking down and seeing a patient grey and dead, or a big dog falling off a table, my boyfriend even says I wake up in the middle of the night screaming. I’m “on” all day at work and I can’t turn my brain off because I still feel like I have to be on high alert, waiting for something to go wrong. I’m overweight, depressed, have no energy or time to do anything else during my day… I get home and just lie down and can’t even make dinner (fat because I stress eat via ordering dominos at 1am because I can’t fall asleep again after a nightmare. I stress eat because i am a former substance abuser and it’s either food or pills or self injury, so I pick the lesser of the evils.) I call off frequently due to panic attacks and anxiety.
Meanwhile, my coworkers seem like they’re thriving. Of course, I can’t read someone’s mind, and I don’t know someone’s life outside of work. But everyone seems like they love this job, they want to advance their career in it, they go home and take care of their kids and do activities with their husbands, etc. and I’m struggling. I don’t have a life because I’m tired, depressed, and anxious. Oh yeah, and I live paycheck to paycheck, and if anything happened to my own pet I could not afford the care provided at my workplace. Also the insurance I get from my workplace doesn’t cover enough for therapy/psych/meds, because I’ve looked into it. (I’m also recovering from BPD and PTSD, I’ve had a few other psych labels over the years but anytime I talk to a therapist I get referred out because “they can’t treat personality disorders” even if I don’t mention it they figure it out pretty quickly lol.)
But nothing bad is happening to me at work. I get praised a lot, I generally like my coworkers. I like the job itself. It’s just destroying me. I wake up crying/having panic attack. I go to work and my nervous system is fried. My brain has to be “on” and I cannot miss a single detail. I stress about every interaction I have with my coworkers. I go home and can’t take care of myself and have no life and no money. This can’t be it. I want to be happy. But I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I’m struggling this much.
I want to quit, and my boyfriend would support me, but I have no other education or job training, so I feel trapped in this field since I don’t want to just live off of someone else’s support. And honestly? Again, the shame and embarrassment are a big factor. It’s easy to tell someone they should prioritize their mental health, but I do feel like it’s something wrong with me, since everyone else can deal with it so easily.
I don’t know how to end this post. Wrote on notes app on my phone so idk what the formatting is gonna be like.