Problem/Goal: Won’t give too many details just in case, but feel free to ask for clarification in the comments if there’s context you need. Long post ahead.
For context, this was a WLW relationship. We were together for around 7 years total (we broke up and eventually got back together), and we’re both in our mid-20s. We basically grew up together and were each other’s best friends.
The first 2 years, we were pretty public about our relationship. When we got back together, though, we decided to keep it completely between us. We both came from pretty toxic Catholic family backgrounds, and our first relationship was already pretty traumatic, so we felt like it was better to just have our own little world. I actually didn’t mind it and loved that we had that.
Eventually, we had a conversation about our futures and realized we both wanted a future where we could marry a man, have kids, and most importantly, be in a relationship where we didn’t have to hide anymore from our families and friends.
So we mutually agreed on a deadline to end the relationship rather than waiting for a fight or something bad to happen. When the deadline came, we had one last date and ended things pretty peacefully. We were both still really sweet and kind to each other.
We also talked about how we’d eventually find our way back to being friends because, regardless of the relationship, we were genuinely best friends. We talked about dating after the breakup too. At the time, she said she wanted to explore, while I said I’d probably only date if I saw marriage potential.
The tables have completely turned since then. Now I’m actually the one who wants to just explore, be carefree, see what’s out there, and go with the flow because I don’t think I’m ready to commit to anyone yet. She’s the one who’s already at the stage of seriously seeing someone. So nag baliktad pa kami hahaha
Anyway, a week after the breakup, it was her birthday. I relapsed and ended up asking if we could extend the relationship because I was going through a really difficult time (lost a friend & job). She said no. I then told her that I really needed my best friend, and she said she wasn’t ready for that either. I was hurt, but I ultimately respected her decision.
The complicated part is that we’re in multiple overlapping friend groups, so it’s pretty much impossible to completely avoid each other unless one of us stops hanging out with everyone. When we eventually saw each other again, things were civil. She got drunk and I was the one who took care of her.
Afterward, she messaged me to thank me. That conversation is when I found out she was already talking to someone.
Some guys had approached me that night too, so she asked if I would’ve pursued anything. I said no because I was still working on myself and, honestly, out of consideration for her too. I asked her the same question, and she said yes — she was already talking to someone.
This was only around 2 weeks after our breakup. Obviously, that means they’d been talking for some amount of time before that.
That honestly changed things for me. From then on, whenever we had group hangouts, I’d still be civil, but I stopped really acknowledging her or giving her attention. I just didn’t think I could maintain the same kind of relationship with her after finding that out.
Over the next few months, I found out that the guy went from talking to her → courting her → going on dates, buying each other gifts, becoming physical → eventually becoming exclusive. This all happened within roughly 3 months of our breakup.
She’s actually tried to hide it from me, but because we’re in the same friend groups, I inevitably hear about it. Sometimes she’ll even talk about him around our friends while I’m there.
I completely understand that technically, she was single and was free to date whoever she wanted. I don’t think she did anything “wrong” in that sense. But at the same time, the whole thing doesn’t sit right with me on a moral/principle level.
We had been together for 7 years. We had just mutually decided to end things, talked about eventually being friends, and I was still struggling enough afterward that I was asking for my best friend back. Meanwhile, she was already talking to someone and then progressed into something serious with him very quickly.
Maybe she had already emotionally checked out before we officially ended things. Maybe she simply processes breakups differently from me. Maybe this is completely normal and I’m just hurt because I’m looking at it from my own perspective. And it also sucks that I still consider her feelings by not telling anyone about our secret (which makes me feel alone) and she didn’t even try to consider me when jumping into a new relationship. BASICALLY GOT A FREE PASS.
But I think what bothers me most isn’t necessarily that she moved on. It’s the feeling of consideration and respect surrounding it. Given our history, part of me feels like there should have been some consideration for what we had, even if we were technically no longer together.
At the same time, I recognize that I’m also probably viewing everything through the lens of being hurt. So I’m genuinely curious what other people think.
Have you experienced something similar? How did you interpret it? Do you think this is just two people processing a breakup very differently, or is there something reasonable about feeling betrayed/disrespected even when technically no boundaries were crossed?
And with us being in the same friend groups, how do you even navigate that? I want to maintain no contact, out of side out of mind. I just don’t know if I can still see her as someone I want in my life after everything that happened.